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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Mum not treating GC fairly

95 replies

GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 18:53

Hopefully this won’t be long but I’m a bit baffled about this situation with my DM and I don’t really know what to do.

Last year my DF took his own life. DM found him and it would have been a very fucking awful experience. Both parents very early 50’s at the time. DM took a long time off work (understandable) but is now back at work. DM/DF used to have 2 of my DC for weekends sometimes, not all the time but they tried for monthly if they could. I also have a DC3 who has only ever slept over twice when a baby but who is now 5. Before DF died he mentioned about them having all 3 DC but this didn’t happen before he died. They also have two other GC, younger than my DC and they used to have they eldest every now and again too.

After he died DM didn’t want any of the GC staying over - completely understandable. Then she had my DC1 about 6 months after for a weekend as that’s what she wanted to do. Earlier this year she asked to have my DC 1 and 2 and had my eldest DN as well. This has happened a couple of times since, with no mention of having my DC3. The past 2 or 3 times DC3 has asked me why they can’t stay over and I’ve never really had an answer, as I didn’t really know.

So fast forward to this week and she’s asked to have my DC 1&2 along and asked DB whether she can have his DC1 as well. I agreed but then asked about the possibility of thinking about having DC3 over the next time as well. DM replied not at the minute, as DC3 didn’t have membership to the gym they go to (DM pays for DC1 and 2 and DN to have memberships) and that obviously she also has DN as well. I replied asking if it would help if I paid for him to have membership and she said that she could book DC3 in for the Sunday morning, so effectively still not sleeping over but going the gym.

I replied saying to her it wasn’t really about the gym but spending time with her and if mentioned the gym to solve one of the ‘barriers’ to DC 3 staying. I said I wasn’t expecting her to have 4 DC, but did DN always have to go when DC1 and 2 did. The response I got was that yes she did have to as she doesn’t have two weekends a month free, so she wouldn’t have DN stay otherwise. She went on to say that she goes out all the time and does things to keep herself busy because otherwise it’s just a lonely existence. She said I needed to tell DC3 they’ve not done anything wrong but this is how she is now. I’ve not replied.

I will say that it’s clear she’s not having a good time. I understand this. I don’t ask her to really have my DC, even before DF died, I’ve always been asked to have them stay over. We actually now live closer so really none of the DC need to stay over but that’s what she wants so fine. However, I’m now faced with some issues. To me her last message read as she’s just not going to have DC3 over to stay full stop and that she’s prioritising having DN stay over DC3. My DH has suggested that I message back to suggest swapping one of our other DC for DC3 but 1) I feel the answer would be the same and 2) I don’t want DC3 staying over if they’re not wanted. Moving forward I don’t really feel that this is fair and part of me wants to say if DC3 is going to be left out then I don’t want DC1 and 2 staying over any more - is this too harsh?

I’m really sad, as DC3 hasn’t done anything wrong - at 5 years old how am I meant to explain something that I don’t understand myself? I’m very aware that DM is not coping very well and don’t want to really push it, as I feel it will cause an argument but I can’t really stand by and just let DC3 be left out.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 19:50

I think you should just accept that it is what it is, as a family you have been through one of the worst experiences possible but just let your mum do what she feels she wants to do with her grandchildren

you should ABSOLUTELY NOT do this Hmm

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 19:58

But Rag, if I did that how long do I let it go on? DC3’s relationship would pretty much be non-existent with my DM, which could lead to resentment from DC3 towards his siblings. I’ve given leeway previously because of the whole thing, but it doesn’t matter whether we make a big fuss of DC3, he still notices he’s not allowed to go. It does make him sad and I try my hardest to distract him from that. The loss of my DF has been awful..a nightmare..but I couldn’t just indefinitely let something like that slide surely?

There’s no real reason being given and DM has said DN always has to go round because otherwise she wouldn’t be staying over that month, implying she wants the three of them to stay every month.

OP posts:
Cawfee · 02/11/2018 20:03

Hang on a minute. I’m a bit confused. When you 1st posted, I assumed that your DN was older so it was obvious a “not coping” with a 5 year old thing. But your DN is 3?!? I’m a bit shocked by that. If that’s correct then it’s not ok for your DC3 to be left out. I’d get it if the youngest she’s having is 7. Easy, no nappies, no tantrums, easy peasy but it’s not if she’s got a 3 year old. I really don’t understand why she’s doing this. I get she’s grieving but your responsibility is towards your kids and this has gone on long enough now. She’s being weird. She’s being unfair and it has to stop. She can’t just have her own way if your poor, innocent DC3 is being upset. No no no.

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:04

Sorry pressed send too soon. She doesn’t seem to be willing to not have DC1/DC2/DN, but that means to me that she is ok with leaving DC3 out. I don’t know what will happen when DNphew is older either..whether he’ll not get to stay.

Generally she’s always been good with the DC, didn’t see loads of them all the time as we lived further away, but she saw more to DC1/2 due to them staying over. I don’t know why they never had DC3 to really stay before, I’ve never really pushed it but like I said DF had mentioned before he died about them having all of my 3 DC which didn’t get to happen. Thinking back on it I think he suggested it to DM but she’d said no (I’m not sure why) and he’d said but we will start having the three of them next time.

OP posts:
HannahnotAgnes · 02/11/2018 20:07

Id stop the arrangement now that DC3 is noticing - how horrible for him to think he's done something wrong.

I'm sorry for your mums loss (& your loss - it's terrible for you all) but it's absolutely not acceptable for a 5 yr old to be made to feel this way & it's your job to protect him.

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:08

That’s kind of the thing Cawfee, DC3 is almost 6 and has been out of nappies for a long time. Yes DC2 and 3 can play up when together sometimes, but nothing worse that what DC2 and DN may do.

All the DC that stay over are girls and DC3 isn’t. That shouldn’t make any type of difference, never seems to have been a problem, but maybe it does. I don’t know.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 20:11

I'm sorry for your mums loss (& your loss - it's terrible for you all) but it's absolutely not acceptable for a 5 yr old to be made to feel this way & it's your job to protect him

this is bang on correct...

someone needs to stand up for your darling baby boy now.... Flowers

Gonzoo · 02/11/2018 20:12

Crikey the poor woman isn't coping and for whatever reason she feels she can cope with the 3 but not 4 kids. Maybe she finds DC3 hard work? Who knows. But just leave it and use the time to do something special with DC3. Your poor mum.

ohfourfoxache · 02/11/2018 20:13

I think for dc3’s sake you need to stop the sleep overs. It will start to affect him negatively soon if it hasn’t already (I’ve been there)

1busybee · 02/11/2018 20:15

It’s a tricky one. Could it be that he s a boy and the others are girls? Could you ask her outright if she finds it difficult with ds being a boy. Obviously not ideal but might explain her thinking a bit. Maybe she is concerned about having to help him go to the toilet or something.

Chamomileteaplease · 02/11/2018 20:15

A couple of things - firstly is this in character for your mum to be a bit horrible? Did she behave in not very nice ways sometimes when you were growing up?

Also, could you not have a sit down discussion with her rather than texting? Surely it's too important for a text?

I think it is sad to keep the older two home but I agree you may have too because I can imagine the sadness your DC3 feels - breaks my heart just reading about it!

whatbeshrekking · 02/11/2018 20:16

@Gonzoo Nobody's insisting she takes 4 kids. OP has offered to swap the kids that go. It's that the grandma doesn't want a particular child, for no known reason. Even if she has a reason, it's still not fair on the wee one who knows he's being excluded but doesn't know why. (Not that he should know why, at 5).

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:16

Gonzoo, I’m not asking her to have 4 kids I’m just asking if DC3 can come over instead of DN. I’ve hardly ever asked her to have mine sleep, she’s always asked me. I’m not saying I disagree with you but she’s never really had him stay to think he’s ‘bit of a handful’. If anything DN is more of a handful than him and I’m not just saying that because he’s my DC. It’s upsetting to have him left out.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 20:17

Crikey the poor woman isn't coping

so your answer to this is to isolate a 5 year old from his siblings .. where he feels punished and missing out ? Hmm

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:18

Not even instead of DN..I could swap the others too but the answer will be the same.

OP posts:
Redglitter · 02/11/2018 20:18

Crikey the poor woman isn't coping and for whatever reason she feels she can cope with the 3 but not 4 kids

In that case the sensible thing would be to take the 3 siblings and the other child another time

LL83 · 02/11/2018 20:22

Being girls is clearly the reason.

Fine if she wants/imagines the girly sleepovers but she has to find something to do with your ds too.

Mousey765 · 02/11/2018 20:23

Have you asked if it's because DC3 is a boy? Is DM remotely old fashioned and thinking it's "girl time" sort of thing?

I think just stopping sleep overs may cause a problem but I don't think having a serious conversation and saying you don't want DC3 missing out as it's starting to upset him is reasonable. Just so she understands why the others aren't staying.

It's a bit unfair to ask for her to have DC3 instead of DN, I think. Makes more sense to swap out DC1 or DC2 (they could take it in turns to have a night in with you once per month). Has she written that idea off too?

FleurDeLips · 02/11/2018 20:24

She’s not taking the boys. Which suggests she doesn’t really warm to the boys some how, for some reason. If both the small left out ones are boys DC3 and your DB’ss baby then this seems illogically but logically why

Does she get on with your DB?
The only thing I can think is that boys can be seen as boisterous - perhaps she just feels more comfortable having only girls and doing girls things.

I would probably stop all DC from sleeping over and maybe offer to meet up with her?

Do the older girls help with the smallest girl?

Original poster
GetOrfMyBin · 02/11/2018 20:26

I don’t think it should be because he’s a boy really. I have a DB so she’s dealt with a boy growing up. DC3 is completely fine going the toilet at home alone and she’d only need to take him into the loo if they were out, which she does with the others anyway.

She was fine growing up mainly. She could be strict and she’s very much a get up and do person. I’ve never had a very close relationship with her - we’ve never been ones to do mum daughter things. I don’t want it to be like that for my DC. I have always felt I can’t really say no to her in the past, because my reasoning has never been understandable. So I’ve tried to keep the peace. The only time I’ve really felt something has been fully off is once when I was a teenager. Her mum died when I was younger, before DB was born, and she wasn’t old when she died. I was complaining about something (I didn’t do that a lot!) and she turned round and said to me ‘well you got to spend time with your nan and DB didn’t’. This kind of threw me because it wasn’t my fault she died and I didn’t remember a lot of her.

It just feels that DC3 missed out seeing my dad and doesn’t have the memories my other DC have. I don’t want him to not have a good relationship with my mum.

OP posts:
bringbackthestripes · 02/11/2018 20:26

Heart breaking for DC 3 esp as DN is younger.
I think in this situation I would be saying all DC or no DC can stay, it does seem very unfair.

Ragwort · 02/11/2018 20:27

Have you actually spent some time alone with your mum, doing something nice with her (coffee or lunch out?) without the children being around and tried to have a gentle chat with her so that she might open up as to why she can’t take your DS? I totally agree with a PP that this sort of issue shouldn’t be discussed via text.

HollowTalk · 02/11/2018 20:30

Why doesn't she have two of the children one time and then the other two the next?

Is she anti-boys? Did she have a boy herself? Was she happier when you had a girl than when you had a boy?

Pessismistic · 02/11/2018 20:31

I think you should just tell her straight dc feels left out he’s older now and notices more and you can say he misses dc1&dc2 when they leave just suggest she has your 3 1 month and Dn the following month tell her your not expecting her to have them every month or if no sleepover take all 3 out in one go to cinema or somewhere my Gm did it to me and it hurts and my ml is doing it to my dc it’s not nice and as the adult it’s upto to stop the favouritism your dc3 will always feel loved less by his nan please don’t let this carry on it can effect his confidence and self esteem long term sorry for your loss.

Mishappening · 02/11/2018 20:34

I think you need to say to her that it feels very unfair to DC3 to always be the one left out and that you think it would be a good idea if the others did not stay over at the moment as it is upsetting to him.

I appreciate that she has had a very difficult time, as indeed have you - I am sorry for the loss of your Dad under such sad circumstances. But if this situation continues unchallenged this poor little lad is going to feel very rejected.

Since they live so near, maybe it could be just visits during the day for a while for any of the children.