Mum not treating GC fairly

[GetOrfMyBin]

Hopefully this won’t be long but I’m a bit baffled about this situation with my DM and I don’t really know what to do.

Last year my DF took his own life. DM found him and it would have been a very fucking awful experience. Both parents very early 50’s at the time. DM took a long time off work (understandable) but is now back at work. DM/DF used to have 2 of my DC for weekends sometimes, not all the time but they tried for monthly if they could. I also have a DC3 who has only ever slept over twice when a baby but who is now 5. Before DF died he mentioned about them having all 3 DC but this didn’t happen before he died. They also have two other GC, younger than my DC and they used to have they eldest every now and again too.

After he died DM didn’t want any of the GC staying over - completely understandable. Then she had my DC1 about 6 months after for a weekend as that’s what she wanted to do. Earlier this year she asked to have my DC 1 and 2 and had my eldest DN as well. This has happened a couple of times since, with no mention of having my DC3. The past 2 or 3 times DC3 has asked me why they can’t stay over and I’ve never really had an answer, as I didn’t really know.

So fast forward to this week and she’s asked to have my DC 1&2 along and asked DB whether she can have his DC1 as well. I agreed but then asked about the possibility of thinking about having DC3 over the next time as well. DM replied not at the minute, as DC3 didn’t have membership to the gym they go to (DM pays for DC1 and 2 and DN to have memberships) and that obviously she also has DN as well. I replied asking if it would help if I paid for him to have membership and she said that she could book DC3 in for the Sunday morning, so effectively still not sleeping over but going the gym.

I replied saying to her it wasn’t really about the gym but spending time with her and if mentioned the gym to solve one of the ‘barriers’ to DC 3 staying. I said I wasn’t expecting her to have 4 DC, but did DN always have to go when DC1 and 2 did. The response I got was that yes she did have to as she doesn’t have two weekends a month free, so she wouldn’t have DN stay otherwise. She went on to say that she goes out all the time and does things to keep herself busy because otherwise it’s just a lonely existence. She said I needed to tell DC3 they’ve not done anything wrong but this is how she is now. I’ve not replied.

I will say that it’s clear she’s not having a good time. I understand this. I don’t ask her to really have my DC, even before DF died, I’ve always been asked to have them stay over. We actually now live closer so really none of the DC need to stay over but that’s what she wants so fine. However, I’m now faced with some issues. To me her last message read as she’s just not going to have DC3 over to stay full stop and that she’s prioritising having DN stay over DC3. My DH has suggested that I message back to suggest swapping one of our other DC for DC3 but 1) I feel the answer would be the same and 2) I don’t want DC3 staying over if they’re not wanted. Moving forward I don’t really feel that this is fair and part of me wants to say if DC3 is going to be left out then I don’t want DC1 and 2 staying over any more - is this too harsh?

I’m really sad, as DC3 hasn’t done anything wrong - at 5 years old how am I meant to explain something that I don’t understand myself? I’m very aware that DM is not coping very well and don’t want to really push it, as I feel it will cause an argument but I can’t really stand by and just let DC3 be left out.

Any advice would be appreciated. Thank you.

Dear DM,
DC1 and DC2 have loved spending time with you, but now DC3 is older he is wondering why he can't join in and I don't want him feeling left out. Instead of a sleepover, I'm happy to bring all 3 DC to you for an afternoon/morning/day so they can all enjoy time with you. Just let me know when works for you.

?
That way she has an alternative so you're not stopping her seeing the older DCs.

I am so sorry for the loss of your father op and for your mother's dear husband. To lose your life's partner that way is extremely traumatising and a year is not very long to get over the grief and shock. I also think that she may feel that she is already being fair by having 2 of your children and one of your siblings.

Of course this doesn't help you resolve the issue and ensure that your youngest child feels as valued as the rest.

If she likes to get our with the children I can see how 4 at once is a big ask and one alone can also be quite difficult to keep entertained. I would be suggesting that she has 2 at a time. The two eldest then the two youngest. That way she takes 2 out at a time and they all have someone to play with. I can see where you are coming from with concerns for your youngest but I also think your mum's needs at this time are important. Lots of grannies would find 4 at once difficult to deal with even without your mother's tragic circumstances. 2 then 2 definitely more manageable.

It's a tricky situation. Will your older children be upset if you stop the sleepovers? What reason will you give them? Will they resent their younger brother for being the cause?

I'm speaking here as someone who was also widowed in unpleasant circumstances. Just because you are devastated and in pain, does not mean you can act so unpleasantly, and it seems to me spiteful in a way. To leave one child out. And say like it or lump it. Well you need to lump it, because her grief does not trump your childs pain at being left out. She's told you that's it and that's the way it is. It's your choice wether to accept it or not. I suggest not, because how long will this have to go on before your son is damaged emotionally by being left out.

How close to 6 is DC3? Could you use that as the cut off, no DCs are having sleepovers as it’s unfair to leave one out. Not sure how you say that to be less inflammatory as if you’re forcing her to have all 3. Maybe something like the effect on DC3 is noticeable and we can no longer cope with the questions anymore.

She won’t split them in to 2/2. She wants to continue having the three of them, as demonstrated when she confirmed DN always has to come with DC1 & 2. Which says to me that for whatever reason she’s not willing to put DS or his feelings on the same level as the others. She also has another younger GS (DN brother) and I’m not sure if she’s going to be like this with him also.

I don’t think the other DC will resent DS, as DC2 has already asked me why DS doesn’t go as well once before. I think they both get it isn’t fair.

I will be telling her no more sleepovers due to this. However I am in that shite situation of knowing that even if she did relent and agree to have DS that she didn’t really want to, which would make me not want him to go anyway. Still feeling incredibly sad at this all.

I feel for you, it's not an easy place to be in but I think you are making the best decision

I think it's time you took control of the welfare of your Children OP and stop letting your Mother dictate everything... stand your ground.. these are you children...

good luck

It's ok to be sad but you definitely need to take control.

I would label it as favouritism rather than being sleep overs or she may escalate the whole thing again by taking the older ones out for the day and still exclude DS.

"Why not?"
"I think you know why Mum, I won't allow favouritism. Call you Monday."

So no sleepovers then.

I can see why you'd worry about your mum's reaction, but put bluntly, your child's mental health is more important than your mum's. There is no reason for dc3 to be left out, other than he's the only boy.

The older ones don't even need to know. Invite your mum over regularly so they all see her.

Good luck OP

My nan was like this.

My sister and I were from my mum’s first marriage. My nan looked after us while my mum worked and we were very close.

My mum remarried and had my brother, and my nan was just never interested in him. We moved hours away when he was a baby so she didn’t spend much time with him, and she always favoured my sister and I. It wasn’t on at all and my brother found it very upsetting.

My twins only have one grandparent - my MIL and she’s only seen them four times in two years. She’s much closer to my niece but they lived close by when she was small.

Did you say No to your Mum OP

You'll just have to talk to her so that she doesn't get get the wrong end of the stick. But at the same time you'll have to be firm. Obviously 4gc is too much for one GM to cope with. (Did you say she's in her 50's?) But if she won't have them in 2's either, what suggestions has she got for making sure dc3 isn't left out all the time? Will she not alternate your 3? Otherwise yes, you'll have to stop the sleepovers altogether. Your girls are old enough to understand.

Obviously your Mother (and you) have been through a terrible experience with your Dad's death - that goes without saying, and she is grieving, I have every sympathy with her having had such a dreadful experience.

But - that sort of has to be separated out, because it is children who are involved - and children don;t understand, so you have to somehow keep going and sort of 'fake it til you make' so you don't hurt children's feelings. It isn;t acceptable to exclude your youngest child - it is completely unfair and 'that's how nanna is now' doesn;t cut it with a five year odl, he will see his siblings and his cousingg oing and think he has done something wrong or that Nanna doesn;t like him, whatever she may say.

I think you have to say that you understand things are obviously hard for you, but you can;r have your little one excluded, it is cruel and unfair. So give her various options and say as tactfully as possible that it is one of those options or the kids aren;t sleeping over.
So - she could have all four children
She could have your older two one week and the younger two (DN and your littlest) the other week - and do younger child activities with them.
She can have all of yours one weekend and DN on her own the other weekend.

Or maybe she could have one child on a rota - so she sees each of them every four weeks.
Or she takes all the kids out for an afternoon/day and they sleep at home (or splits them into alternate groups and cuts out sleepovers)

There are lots of alternatives, you just need to say 'sorry DM, I can't have DC3 hurt and upset, you need to rethink the situation'
If this carries on, it will affect his relationship with her for years to come.

My DF died fairly recently and I’m in a similar position with my DM. She always asks to have older DD but never wants younger DD overnight. She also often just wants DD1 to visit. I’ve said to her that if she has one she has both but I’ve definitely upset her and now I’m stuck in the middle. No real advice but sympathy for your situation and for the loss of your DF.

Depends how old the DC are, crumble. My two are 5 and 2. The 5 year old chats, plays Lego, plays with his toys (with attention and involvement from us) sleeps like a log, and I love having him. Dc2 just goes round like a whirlwind, chucking boxes of toys on the floor, chasing the dog and cats, throwing food around and she doesn't sleep! So I've said she can stay when she's a bit older, a bit less exhausting, and when she's sleeping through the night.

How did you get on OP? Did you manage to come to a compromise with your DM?

Hi OP!

I realise that I may but a bit late to the discussion. I’m new to the site and am just a casual scroller, but I felt an urge to just throw in my 2 pence worth with your particular dilemma, as it struck a slight nerve..

I just wanted to say that DM is, unfortunately, creating divisions that aren’t easily forgotten. The only thing I can relate it to is having had a similar experience growing up. Just to give the story, but an aunt of mine took my brother away on holiday for a week with her own children, but without me. Not the most traumatic thing ever, sure she had valid reasons. But, I never ever forgot it, and just always assumed that she hated me. Even now I think she did (has sadly since passed away)

So my point is, it’s up to you to put a stop to it, for the sake of DC3. And as it turns out, with regards any future relationship DM may have with DC3, you might be doing her a favour.

All the best!