Can abusive husband change ?

[MammytoT]

Hi
My husband can be really kind and caring and I know he loves the kids and me dearly. He has been physically abusive towards me a handful of times and to my eldest child 3 times. Things like grabbing and pushing my son and me, throwing things at me , pinning me down etc. He was also emotionally abusive for a really long time and back in 2014 I left him for a week but he sucked me back in. He was brilliant for about 3 years then. Anyway I used to keep saying "next time you lay a finger on us I am leaving" and I just never do. March 2017 was the last time he was violent until Sunday night. It was the night before we were going on holiday and my son had asked for a drink. I fetched him one but slipped up the stairs and it went up the wall. I said "oh god im so sorry ive spilt juice up the wall" My husband completely lost it because he had spent the summer painting the walls. He came charging downstairs grabbed my arms and pulled me into the kitchen whilst I was screaming. He was freaking out like "don't just stand there get some wipes!" Grabbed some wipes and threw them at my stomach then charged back up to bed. I put the kids to bed and when I went into our room he was fast asleep. I woke him after an hour thinking he would apologise but he just blamed me . Said i make him this way, me and the kids dont have the respect required to live in HIS house etc. The next day he continued to blame me but just as we were about to leave for holiday he said "come here" and looked as though he would apologise. I said it's too late and he replied " if that's your attitude I'm not taking you then" (on holiday he meant) . I made it clear when we were on holiday that I was leaving him and he just changed completely and started crying . I said please don't ruin the kids holiday we can talk about this when we get back. We are at Center Parcs and he went into the jewellery store and bought me a £2500 necklace which he told me about and I made him return it. He just started worrying me because it's quite erratic. Anyway he has told me he has definitely changed and won't do it again, he swears on the kids lives etc. He has agreed to therapy but is worried about losing his job if they find out ?
2 questions

1. Do you think he can change ? He has been so good for so long it's come from nowhere all of a sudden.
2. If I leave him or if he seeks therapy, will he lose his job and therefore impact any maintenance payments/our income if we stay together. The kids are so accustomed to a certain way of life and my son would be so upset if his dad were to leave. He works in a role that requires CRB checks etc.

I've been with him since we were at school, and got pregnant at 19 so felt obligated to stay. It's been 12 years now and I can't live like this. But he seems genuinely sorry and keeps getting emotional . Do I believe him or would I be an absolute push over? I need help as I can't tell anyone I know in real life. I don't work as both kids have additional needs so I have multiple appointments throughout the week. I also don't drive because I have epilepsy and haven't got meds under control yet so can't learn. Financially and logistically I don't think I can leave, and he does seem sorry.

He won't change. You know he won't. He might rein himself in for a while, but the threat, the fear, will always be there. You can't go on living with that.

Nothing will show on a CRB check.unless you report him to the police for assault. I understand why you would be reluctant to do that, but you don't need to report him, to leave him. Relationships break up every day, no-one gets sacked for it.

As for therapy, that's up to him. Do not even consider couples counselling, it's not suitable where one party is abusive. And do not let his promises of getting therapy stop you leaving. Even if he actually starts therapy, you still need to leave.

You'll go when you're ready. Are you ready now?

Y

Sorry. You should look at this.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

I’m sorry but he won’t change; the crying and promises that it won’t happen again are just ways to manipulate you into staying.
By leaving him that will not effect his job at all; if you call the police it might but then that is what he deserves.
Based on his behaviour I’d get your ducks in a row/plan it all out before you tell him. It won’t be safe to remain living with him once he knows you’re serious about leaving.

You also need to think really carefully about the effect on your children of seeing all this; how damaging it is and whether that’s what you want them to grow up thinking is normal

No he won't change and he is not sorry either. The nice/nasty cycle such men show is a continuous one and now he is back in the nice cycle with you. It will not last and he will revert to type. Such men are adept in telling their target, in this case you, what they so badly want to hear. They will say anything so as not to lose power and control over their victims.

You cannot stay with such a man simply because you met him when you were at school and got pregnant by him when you were 19 so feel obligated. Think on this some more. What sort of a relationship example are you showing your children here; what do you get out of this now?. Something is keeping you within this and your reasons for staying are no reasons at all, it suggests that you are with him mainly out of fear; both of him and the unknown if you were to leave.

My advice - put a plan in place asap and leave as safely and quickly as possible. Womens Aid are well worth contacting and they can help you.

Therapy is confidential. He won't lose his job because of that.

He's hit you too many times. I don't think I'd feel safe after his latest attack.

You need to leave him.

He has been physically abusive towards me a handful of times and to my eldest child 3 times
You need to leave

For the sake of your children and yourself he needs to leave.
This is not normal behaviour and he will not change unless he wants to wants to (getting help etc). He needs to figure that out himself as you can not change him.
You also don't want your children growing up thinking that is how normal relationships work.

I'm so sorry for what you have all been going through and I hope things change for the better for you.

Thanks all for replying so quickly, surprised to have so many replies. It's more than an obligation. It's feeling like my kids need to have a 2 parent family and financial stability. He has been a million times better than he used to be for the past 3 years and hasn't been emotionally abusive at all really. It did come out of nowhere when I thought we were past all that. He was so cocky all that night though and I even recorded our conversations so if he tried to draw me back in I could listen to how he responded. The next morning he was still saying it was my fault etc. As soon as I was telling him we were over and I meant it it was like a switch flipped. He does seem genuinely distraught and keeps taking himself off to cry so the kids don't see etc. I don't know how I feel to be honest. One minute I want to kick him out as soon as we get home but he's been under a lot of stress at work and has a lot of work to do at the weekend. Then the next minute I see him with the kids and I think I want to give it another go . I don't know where he would go even and if he refuses to leave where will me and the kids go ? I can't tell family incase they report it and he does lose his job. I feel as though I could leave him but I don't know if that's right for us. A compromise I had was for us to seperate until he had done counselling/anger management but we can't afford for him to live elsewhere during this. Our Parents are about 40 miles away so he would have a big commute into work if he lived there , also he would have to tell them what has been happening and I sort of want to protect everyone from that. I keep questioning myself like "is he really that bad?" "Is he really like the people you read about?" And I don't know how we would cope without his money or car to be honest. I can't even learn to drive quilt plotting my escape because the neurologist won't let me !

Whilst not quilt * lol

My ex husband was ''sorry'' the first time he hit me. And the second and third.
The last time,I ended up with a black eye (again) and cracked ribs.

If he'd ever laid a finger on my son,I'd have left that day. No ifs or buts.

Your children need you in one piece. They need to be safe,as do you.
Leave.

Your stress is palpable, op, you're so desperate for this man not to be
the aggressive man he shows you he is it's like you're his attorney.
What he's done is so very wrong, you know that anyway but what about you, op?

Your suffering is going on inside you every moment you spend with him - how many more years for you and the DC stressing on when the other shoe will drop?

You can't ask this much of yourself - it will break you in the end and you
can't take that risk - not for you and not for your DC.

I would say they very rarely change unless they actively recognise their failings themselves and want to change. If they are committed to attending counselling along with anger management sessions, it is a possibility. If they don't want to commit and continue to blame you, then no...they won't change. I'd be making plans to end the relationship and leave for the sake of yourself and the children.

Grumpy I'm so sorry you went through that. I think I'm making excuses because he hasn't done things like that to me iyswim. He has been violent but has never punched me in the face or kicked me. Something about this time feels different and I believe he wants to change, but I don't believe he can without help. He has asked if he can go to therapy and live at home but I can't give him an answer to that. I am just so torn in my head.
After the event he was like "other men would have smacked you one" as though I should be grateful he only dragged me into the kitchen and threw a pack of wipes at me. When I bring that up now he looks visibly distressed and starts getting upset.

ALL your words are those of an abused woman. He could quite easily injure any one of you to put any of you in the hospital.

Your children do not warrant a violent parent in their lives. They see and hear far more than you care to realise. Abuse like you describe as well thrives on secrecy; there are no medals handed out here for keeping his abuses of you all quiet. Start opening up to trusted people in your life like your GP and talk to Womens Aid also about your situation.

It is not down to you to work out where he is going to live; that is not your problem. Where are the consequences for his actions here?. I would take it as a given as well he will refuse to leave but he is not above the law here. He does not feel any shame or remorse for what he has done here; all this from you is totally misplaced. It also makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships when you were growing up.

Your main focus should be on you and in turn your children and keeping them safe. The three of you living with him is not an option for you or they going forward. Such men as well DO NOT respond at all well to counselling and or anger management. He can do his job without resorting to violence so he does not have an anger problem. His problem is with you and his children who he has also been violent towards. Anger management as well is NO answer to domestic violence which is what you describe here. His tears are also designed to manipulate you and throw you off guard; its one of their many many tactics designed to maintain power and control.

He is a good actor your H. He is not remorseful but a nasty bully who is frightened that you are finally going to give him what he deserves i.e. a divorce.

No to therapy (it will not work) and no to him living at home with you either if he actually bothers to see out any therapy sessions. It is not something you should be any part of.

He's a nasty bully and regardless of whether or not he actually hits you or drags you around, the fact that your first instinct when you slip and fall on the stairs, spilling a drink, is to apologise to him speaks volumes. He's really done a number on you

While a two parent family may seem like the ideal, your DCs need to be protected from this, they cannot be around someone who has so little respect for their mum or for them. He has told you that he lumps you all in together as people who don't respect HIS house. If he hasn't already, he will be turning his anger and aggression on to them unless you make him leave.

If he's serious about sorting himself out he can only do that when he has lost the comfort and security of your relationship. While he feels that you tolerate his behaviour he has no incentive to change.

Financially and logistically it may seem impossible but thousands of women can attest to the fact that it isn't impossible. They've done it and built new lives for themselves under really tricky circumstances.

You deserve better and so do your DCs. Please send a strong clear message to your H that you will not accept him as he is. Empty promises that he's changed mean nothing.

Until he starts to see you as a human worthy of love and respect he will continue to belittle and intimidate you. Generally with men like this, the pushes and shoves become harder and the things thrown become bigger and before you know it you're having to lie to medical professionals about you got your injuries. DV escalates so even if you don't think its bad enough to leave NOW, it will be.

He needs to find ways to deal with his anger and he needs some therapy to help him to empathise and have respect for people other than himself.

Avoiding therapy because he doesn't want anyone to know is cowardly and pointless. They'll all know when the police car/ambulance/hearse is sitting outside your house.

After the event he was like "other men would have smacked you one" as though I should be grateful he only dragged me into the kitchen and threw a pack of wipes at me. When I bring that up now he looks visibly distressed and starts getting upset. ...because when he hears those words spoken back to him he realises just what an animal he is.

Other men would not have smacked you one, they would have asked if you'd hurt yourself and helped you clear up, then taken a fresh drink up to their DS.

No.

No.

Never.

No.

I wrote your post about 4 years ago. I promise. He knows what he's doing. It is on purpose. The man you dream he is does not exist. He will not ever change.

He is minimising his abuse. Yelling at you, dragging you around and throwing things at you IS abuse.

"other men would have smacked you one"

He is only saying that to make you relieved and grateful that he didn't hit you. He is trying to make you believe that you deserved the treatment he dealt out, and that it was only his restraint that prevented him from really thumping you.

The present was to try to buy your silence. He will not change.