Can abusive husband change ?

[MammytoT]

Hi
My husband can be really kind and caring and I know he loves the kids and me dearly. He has been physically abusive towards me a handful of times and to my eldest child 3 times. Things like grabbing and pushing my son and me, throwing things at me , pinning me down etc. He was also emotionally abusive for a really long time and back in 2014 I left him for a week but he sucked me back in. He was brilliant for about 3 years then. Anyway I used to keep saying "next time you lay a finger on us I am leaving" and I just never do. March 2017 was the last time he was violent until Sunday night. It was the night before we were going on holiday and my son had asked for a drink. I fetched him one but slipped up the stairs and it went up the wall. I said "oh god im so sorry ive spilt juice up the wall" My husband completely lost it because he had spent the summer painting the walls. He came charging downstairs grabbed my arms and pulled me into the kitchen whilst I was screaming. He was freaking out like "don't just stand there get some wipes!" Grabbed some wipes and threw them at my stomach then charged back up to bed. I put the kids to bed and when I went into our room he was fast asleep. I woke him after an hour thinking he would apologise but he just blamed me . Said i make him this way, me and the kids dont have the respect required to live in HIS house etc. The next day he continued to blame me but just as we were about to leave for holiday he said "come here" and looked as though he would apologise. I said it's too late and he replied " if that's your attitude I'm not taking you then" (on holiday he meant) . I made it clear when we were on holiday that I was leaving him and he just changed completely and started crying . I said please don't ruin the kids holiday we can talk about this when we get back. We are at Center Parcs and he went into the jewellery store and bought me a £2500 necklace which he told me about and I made him return it. He just started worrying me because it's quite erratic. Anyway he has told me he has definitely changed and won't do it again, he swears on the kids lives etc. He has agreed to therapy but is worried about losing his job if they find out ?
2 questions

1. Do you think he can change ? He has been so good for so long it's come from nowhere all of a sudden.
2. If I leave him or if he seeks therapy, will he lose his job and therefore impact any maintenance payments/our income if we stay together. The kids are so accustomed to a certain way of life and my son would be so upset if his dad were to leave. He works in a role that requires CRB checks etc.

I've been with him since we were at school, and got pregnant at 19 so felt obligated to stay. It's been 12 years now and I can't live like this. But he seems genuinely sorry and keeps getting emotional . Do I believe him or would I be an absolute push over? I need help as I can't tell anyone I know in real life. I don't work as both kids have additional needs so I have multiple appointments throughout the week. I also don't drive because I have epilepsy and haven't got meds under control yet so can't learn. Financially and logistically I don't think I can leave, and he does seem sorry.

Sorry as I was replying I got a few more replies , very grateful for everyone's input. Re our childhood, my mum was abusive , I don't know about DH upbringing but they seem perfect. When I became pregnant they were quite negative and blamed me , said we couldn't go back in the house if we didn't have an abortion etc which seemed out of character. They regret it now and are great with the kids.

I would not tell his mother about her son as she won't likely believe you and could well side with him due to her own loyalty. Its her son after all. You need better and stronger advocates for your own self and this is where the likes of Womens Aid and the Rights of Women come in.

Counselling for your own self and alone is a must do going forward. The Freedom Programme by Womens Aid is one such programme I would recommend you enrol yourself onto as well.

Who do you talk to outside the home?. Who do you see socially, do you have any sort of life outside the home that is for you so not involving your children?.

He just wants you around to facilitate his life and image to the outside world whilst you are doing all the donkey work related to the house and the children.

Never forget that an ultimatum can only be issued once (they lose all their power otherwise) and you also have to be fully prepared to follow it through. If you cannot do that then do not issue it.

I thought there was abuse in your own childhood and made allusions to your childhood not being a picnic. That is a subject that you are also going to have to address as well in the long term. I am so sad and sorry that no-one ever seemingly bothered to protect you from your mother and as a result amongst other factors you became far more vulnerable to the approaches from your now husband. After life at home, any attention and affection was seized upon.

I would also think your H's upbringing was not ideal either to say the very least and what they said about your pregnancy was a huge red flag here. I would not want them around your children either.

Thanks for the reply. I have one real life friend I met through DS school and she takes him to school for me since my youngest started school, I couldn't do without her. However her and her husband are friends of both of us so I don't really want to tell her. My youngest is in a special school and gets taxi transport there so I no longer have a school run at all (logistically I couldn't get my son to school and wait for the taxi which is why my friend offered). I also have a WhatsApp group with friends in that I met on a forum so we don't all live near each other at all but I told them last night and so far they've been very supportive and we are trying to work out a plan going forward . I almost told my sister the night it happened but chickened out at the last minute. My siblings all think he is amazing and if he were ever to come back it would be so strained with extended family and the kids would notice it.
This weekend my husband has A LOT of work to do so I don't want to stress him out with talking about separation incase it triggers anything. My plan is to wait until midweek next week when I have spoken to relate and CAB and have a plan of how I can manage financially.

Don’t forget to get bank details, look at mortgage, bills etc and make sure you have copies of all the paperwork so you have something for a solicitor should you go ahead with a split.
Counseling for you is also a must, as well as the children. They need to know that it is not normal to be pushed and yelled at for minor infractions.

As with lots of other posters motherof2smallboys gave great advice.

I have worked with children who have lived (no, tried to survive) in such settings and they suffer. They are constantly on high alert, as are you, waiting for the next incident. They may not tell you this as they will be confused in their loyalties and not want to bring you any more hurt. They will internalise it. It will appear in the end through their anxiety actions such as self-harming or psychotic behaviour.

No matter how many 'good holidays' you take them on they will not have down time because the adults are in control of what's going to happen.

Please take the advice and support from here. Get back up and get out!