Can abusive husband change ?

[MammytoT]

Hi
My husband can be really kind and caring and I know he loves the kids and me dearly. He has been physically abusive towards me a handful of times and to my eldest child 3 times. Things like grabbing and pushing my son and me, throwing things at me , pinning me down etc. He was also emotionally abusive for a really long time and back in 2014 I left him for a week but he sucked me back in. He was brilliant for about 3 years then. Anyway I used to keep saying "next time you lay a finger on us I am leaving" and I just never do. March 2017 was the last time he was violent until Sunday night. It was the night before we were going on holiday and my son had asked for a drink. I fetched him one but slipped up the stairs and it went up the wall. I said "oh god im so sorry ive spilt juice up the wall" My husband completely lost it because he had spent the summer painting the walls. He came charging downstairs grabbed my arms and pulled me into the kitchen whilst I was screaming. He was freaking out like "don't just stand there get some wipes!" Grabbed some wipes and threw them at my stomach then charged back up to bed. I put the kids to bed and when I went into our room he was fast asleep. I woke him after an hour thinking he would apologise but he just blamed me . Said i make him this way, me and the kids dont have the respect required to live in HIS house etc. The next day he continued to blame me but just as we were about to leave for holiday he said "come here" and looked as though he would apologise. I said it's too late and he replied " if that's your attitude I'm not taking you then" (on holiday he meant) . I made it clear when we were on holiday that I was leaving him and he just changed completely and started crying . I said please don't ruin the kids holiday we can talk about this when we get back. We are at Center Parcs and he went into the jewellery store and bought me a £2500 necklace which he told me about and I made him return it. He just started worrying me because it's quite erratic. Anyway he has told me he has definitely changed and won't do it again, he swears on the kids lives etc. He has agreed to therapy but is worried about losing his job if they find out ?
2 questions

1. Do you think he can change ? He has been so good for so long it's come from nowhere all of a sudden.
2. If I leave him or if he seeks therapy, will he lose his job and therefore impact any maintenance payments/our income if we stay together. The kids are so accustomed to a certain way of life and my son would be so upset if his dad were to leave. He works in a role that requires CRB checks etc.

I've been with him since we were at school, and got pregnant at 19 so felt obligated to stay. It's been 12 years now and I can't live like this. But he seems genuinely sorry and keeps getting emotional . Do I believe him or would I be an absolute push over? I need help as I can't tell anyone I know in real life. I don't work as both kids have additional needs so I have multiple appointments throughout the week. I also don't drive because I have epilepsy and haven't got meds under control yet so can't learn. Financially and logistically I don't think I can leave, and he does seem sorry.

Obviously for the same reason as everyone else is saying you should definitely get out of this abusive relationship but the one thing that struck me about your first post was the fact that you have epilepsy (which I have had most of my life). Not sure what causes your seizures but with me stress was definitely a big factor and if this is not stressful what is. Look after yourself OP.

The kids are so accustomed to a certain way of life

Your children live with trauma, violence and worry; end the cycle, he won't, he will never change; show him you are not a pushover anymore or a verbal or physical punch bag for him to abuse as and when he sees fit; protect yourself, one day he will probably hospitalise you or worse your innocent children who don't understand what is going on but to them it's become their normal; do you want to spend your later years feeling guilt for not doing anything; just because he is an abuser you don't have to be complicit in what he does; show them you are better than him, he's a very sad weak man that gets off on being powerful over weaker humans, ie, you and the kids; how fucken sad is that.

You should call womans aid and ask to remain anon. They will explain the options about leaving or not and how to keep safe.

I used to get bought amazing presents after my ex husband hit me and he was always the nice him again after it

but I was constantly walking on eggshells and afraid to speak back to him about anything

Either way is really hard, as it's a major life change getting divorced and even harder if you still have feelings for your husband

I don't think he will change and yeah he knows what he is doing.

Does he ever hit anyone at work when, like all of us he must experience stress there at times, no because he can control it!

If he really, really wanted to change, he would have been taking steps to do it before you said you were leaving. He would be going to therapy anyway because he would think the risk of hurting you or the children again was worse than the risk of losing his job. He would understand why you would feel safer if you and the children left and he would not be trying to stop you.

He doesn’t really want to change. He doesn’t really think it’s all that bad.

He wants you to not leave and so he will say whatever words and (grudgingly) jump through whatever hoops he needs to make sure you stay. But once he’s content you’re not going anywhere, then he’ll just do this again. And again. And again.

Thanks all. I'm definitely an intelligent woman and I know it's wrong, he is willing to do therapy and stay at home . When it was mentioned he can keep it under control at work it has struck a chord with me cos that's true , why didn't I think that! It's been 12 years and never progressed to more than push and shove grab, shaken me , throwing things at me etc so I'm not sure it would progress to a weapon or a kick/punch etc. Even so I know none of that is acceptable. Also it's only occasional so I don't know if that is any better ? And I don't feel like I'm walking on egg shells all the time like I used to. He does seem sorry but I remember telling myself a few years ago "next time he touches me or DS I am leaving" so I almost feel that I have to follow through, regardless of if he means it this time or not.
Silly superficial things are that we have a holiday booked for August that I can't get a refund on . Also if he were to rent elsewhere we would have less money to pay off the holiday , it's a pretty big one that the kids have been excited for forever. I feel like I should tell his mum so she can put him up . But I daren't tell anyone ! I'm just making excuses all the time and I know it. I need to give my head a wobble.

And will you say the next time, the next time ? At some point you have to draw a line in the sand. The children are living in an abusive relationship. If this was your daughter, sister what would you advise ?

I've just never seen him so genuinely sorry and willing to try and change. I'm still on holiday at the moment but it's been clouded with this incident. When we get home I have a decision to make.

You are so minimising his awful behaviour OP, understandable, how else would you live with someone that acts that way, he throws things at you, what if next time he actually cracks your skull open, and yes that's a high possibility; iof course he is sorry, no man beater ever turns round and says well I am not sorry and I know I will do it again; he's been doing it for years, he has zero intention of changing; you must leave and now, show him you've had enough and follow through on your promise.

You won't regret it, in fact once away from the situation you will be shocked at what you have tolerated.

Everyone always says leave now etc

and after years of abuse, I've left but it's been really hard and I'm not sure at times if I've done the right thing or not.

You should speak to womans aid because if you have a plan in place if it happens again, that should ease some of the stress on you.

It's just really hard when they aren't like that all the time.

Hope you can enjoy the rest of your holiday x

I've just never seen him so genuinely sorry and willing to try and change

Honestly, wise up; he's always also been emotionally abusive, this is who he is OP; years of it and more to come if you stay there; don't know how you will live with the guilt putting your kids through shit when they should have a peaceful and tranquil home setting.

Of course he's shitting it, you might actually mean what you say this time.

It's all about him isn't it? He might seem remorseful, but he's not taking responsibility for his actions. If he doesn't really think he's done anything wrong (indicated by his words) then why would he think he needs to change?

I would be wary about pining all your hopes on him getting help. The most effective form of this is a perpetrator programme, but many men still go on to be abusive whilst doing this. If he does do this it needs to be a recognisable programme where you are also offered support. This is because abuse can get worse when men do this as they are being challenged on their behaviour.

He should not have anger management. If he was angry he'd be angry everywhere, such as at work. Couples Counselling is also dangerous.

Please consider some support for yourself, whether you decide to leave or not. As a pp mentioned, you can get advice from women's aid, and this can be anonymous

You're still walking on eggshells OP. I can hear the fear in your posts. You're petrified of him. And you're minimising his behaviour, which by the way, remains highly abusive and appalling. He sounds like a bully who has no respect for you or the children

Why are you allowing yourself and your children to live in a terrifying, violent home? That's a question you need to ask yourself, and be very honest. Absolutely none of this is normal, it's not ok on any level and you do not have to live like this. You're tying yourself in knots worrying about where will he live, how will he get to work, will therapy affect his career. Ask yourself why you are doing ALL of the emotional shitwork. This man cares nothing for you.

His tears sound entirely for himself. This man is not capable of caring for you or the children, and he never will be. This relationship will not become a safe, loving, respectful one. Ever.

I've just never seen him so genuinely sorry

He wasn’t sorry when he did it.
He wasn’t sorry right after he did it.
He wasn’t sorry when you spoke to him about it - he blamed you for making him do it!
He only became suddenly oh so very sorry when you said you’d leave.

That’s not regret. That’s not real insight into how unacceptably he behaved. That’s “oops, don’t actually want her to go, better look contrite for a while.”

That’s why his actions since have been aimed at changing YOUR planned behaviour, by persuading you to stay: the tears, the expensive necklace. They haven’t been aimed at changing HIS behaviour or he’d be hotfooting it to therapy already. What’s he doing at the moment? Is he on a message board somewhere asking how abusive men can change, like you are? Bet he isn’t.

53
Excellent post. I second everything you have said.

Op I have 3 very young children. Our life is wonderful without their father and his nasty bastard behaviour.

This is awful. If you want to live like this it's up to you but your kids have no choice here! How can you stay with a man who has been violent to your child??

Not impossible for people to change but think it's very very very rare it happens. Human nature they will revert to there old ways If he did change it would always be at the back of your mind and you would be frightened of something triggering him off again this no life for you.

A week or so ago there was a thread on mn about a woman who couldn't forgive her mother for staying with her abusive father. Imagine bearing the brunt of that?

Your decision needs to be to leave, there's no other option. He will never stop being violent

He needs to leave. If you want to go down the therapy route later on you can consider it after he is gone. He will still be a parent to your DC, he will still need to support you all. Living arrangements, holidays, money, these are all details that can be sorted out later, but he needs to go. You sound almost grateful that he isn't emotionally abusive anymore. You and your children deserve better. You think he is genuinely sorry and maybe he is, but it's not good enough. If a person is arrested for assault, murder, whatever, even if they are very remorseful they still did the crime. Being sorry isn't enough, and this wasn't even a one off. Please, please make him go.

If you google abusive men and couples counselling you should find lots explaining why it's not a good idea, he will manipulate the therapist and turn it all around on you.

He needs to go on his own

You can do relate on your own or via email, they were ok at times for me

Also don't mention leaving to him again!!!!

as that's when most women get beaten up badly, when they try to leave. That's why you need to have a plan just in case and have things like copies of passports/birth certificates/ legal paperwork all stored somewhere safe and your own bank account if you don't already.

The police can put a flag on your address so that if you ever have to call them they come out straight away but womans aid will help you with all of it as there is loads to prepare and you have to do it all secretly without telling him

Also nearly every domestic violence incident gets referred to childrens services. They will investigate it, then close the case if there is nothing further

so call womans aid anon

While he is in the sorry phase and being nice just try to enjoy your holiday and hopefully he won't do anything else for a while, that will give you time to think too as you are in the cycle of abuse. Have a look at this diagram of it and see it makes sense to you.

cbv.org/cycles-of-violence/

Not if they plan to do the changing while everything else in their life carries on as before.

Not if they minimise their behaviour afterwards rather than facing up to what they are.

Not if all of their apologies and sad face tears are all about them.

Not if he's making the decisions even now about what you should forgive and forget.

Tell someone in real life as soon as you can and be careful.

God reading your posts sent chills down my spine. I was you, OP. Constantly treading on eggshells & apologising for genuine accidents, worried what mood he would be in, desperately wanting an apology - a genuine 'i will change' apology. It never came. I got the words, & the presents. And the tears. But as soon as he got angry I was the punching bag. Verbally & physically. I had no kids at the time, but I did eventually lose a pregnancy late on because of his violence.

Men like him never change. They are calculating & manipulative. He can control his aggression at work because there are real consequences if he doesn't. Currently he has no consequences for taking his anger out on you & your DC. If you can't leave for you, do it for your kids. Children do not need two parent families when one parent is a toxic, abusive monster.

Stop feeling sorry for him. Stop protecting him. Look what he’s done to you AND to your children. Get angry - he does not deserve your pity, and you deserve to feel safe. It is your job to protect yourself and your children. He’s not going to change. It’ll be better for a few months, but it won’t change.

Do you want your children to grow up thinking that this is how a relationship works?

In years to come, do you want your son to treat his girlfriend or wife the way he has seen his dad treat you?

You cant help those who dont want to be helped.

You can tell the op to leave until you are blue in the face. She wont because shes still minimising.