If you could ruin it for ex and OW, would you?

[Sharkirasharkira]

It's a very long and complicated story but the short version is that ex dp (of 5 years) and I broke up a few months back.Technically he didn't cheat but he must have had his new one lined up as she moved into our home less than a week later, leaving me essentially homeless.

He has continued to message me for sex, ask me for nude pictures, etc. I'm not proud of it but I have done anything and everything he wanted because I love him and I'm a fucking idiot. So he has been cheating on her their entire relationship.

I'm getting to a point now where enough is enough. I am broken and depressed, I have no dignity or self respect left. I can't heal or move on. But the thought of him being happy with her and them laughing at me and how pathetic I am just rips me to shreds.

I have maintained so far that to tell her and everyone about what he has been up to would just lower me and it wouldn't help me hurt any less therefore it wouldn't be worth it. I'm really trying to be the better person and take the high road.

But the other part of me thinks 'fuck you, you giant shit, you deserve to be outted and have her and everyone else hate you for it when they find out what you really are'. Basically, it would be revenge, punishment pure and simple. I think I love him too much to hurt him though.

Has anyone done similar? Did it help? Or was it not worth it?

From what you have written telling his girlfriend will result in;

• once again feeding your ex’s ego by proving you are totally infatuated with him. That’s what he is getting from you by seeking your attention and pictures.
• hurting his girlfriend who will either leave him or stay. If she leaves, she’s the winner. If she stays you both carry on losing to his ego.
• open the door for him to use you again. Probably whilst he stills carries on seeing the now new ex or trying to win her back the way he did with you.

I don’t see this achieving any satisfaction for you. Walking away without an explanation and ghosting will hurt him more.

So she's a teenager... And his DS is at least 5. I'm thinking he's the shit, not her (as much).

First of block him on everything! Get yourself some space and distance as pp have said you are now the OW you are doing to her what she did to you (if she really knew everything).

Then you need to really think if you want to tell her to spare her from the heartache you have had then I don't think it's an awful idea.

If you want to do it to get back at him and cause hurt upset ect it won't! He will think you are bitter and heart broken over his amazing self! He may loose her but I doubt either of you are his only options he will move and and be fine! Corny as it is the only revenge you can have on him is living your life without him and being happy!

You sound like a masochist.

Find some self respect.

Whether you tell her or not is irrelevant - the issue is how to detach emotionally from this pathetic man you are allowing to use you.

He doesn’t love you. Try to imagine how you can start behaving with self respect.

Walk away. You will be digging lower and lower and will end up a Jeremy Kyle candidate.

He sounds like a complete cunt. Pick your dignity off the floor and tell him to go fuck himself.

I think it would help you detach - no way back after that.

Plus you are having a little respect for the sisterhood by telling her (despite your part in it - which is largely irrelevant given the timescales & him being a massive bellend).

Tell her, send all the proof, throw the grenade. I’d do it every day of the week. She deserves to know & I hope he ends up lonely & full of regret - or at the very least that he realises his actions have consequences...

Trust me. There is a way back after this. There always is with men like him
Block

I understand the temptation (BELIEVE me I do - I had - unsolicited - sexts from my ex sent in the DAYS before THEIR wedding that I held onto for years!)

But you know what? Karma exists and it may take its sweet time but it works!

My ex and 2nd wife are still together but I have it on good authority

They're BOTH miserable
They BOTH feel "trapped" with each other.
He repeatedly cheats on her
She actually wants to get back with her ex from before him and almost did.

It took a while - but my it's satisfying to know! And actually even more satisfying knowing that they've NOBODY else to blame but themselves (and I've heard this is the thing they're BOTH most struggling with).

Apparently even their parents are basically going "well you made your bed..."

"These men usually out themselves before long." Yep! Disloyal twats can't help themselves.

"Once it's out it's a blessed relief, when it's hanging over you it's torture." Exactly! I had the pleasure of ex during his WEDDING to her not knowing if I would send her the proof. Can't imagine he was terribly relaxed as a result. I never even threatened to - he sent a text saying I could do that, I could drop him right in it... I simply didn't reply but he knew I'd read it.

"but she won't let him go anywhere on his own as she doesn't really trust him." Yep! My ex wasn't even allowed his own mobile phone at one point for a few years! (She'd caught him in flagrante with a friend - she was supposed to have been my friend - karmas a bitch!). I gather he now has a mobile phone again but she has full access to all his tech and SM and he's not allowed out to socialise without her EVER - And he STILL manages to cheat!

Personally I couldn't live that.

"and completely unrecognisable from the man I loved" the man you loved NEVER existed - sooner you realise that the better.

"and miserable too like I am" how do you know he isn't? Just being in a relationship doesn't mean he's happy - if he really was he wouldn't be sniffing around elsewhere!

Sounds like this is just another way to get him to come back to you so no, I wouldn't advise you do it. Concentrate on exploring just why you set the bar so fucking low that you'd take him back. That does make you the consolation prize and you know it.

You DO deserve more and you ARE worthy of more. You need to take the steps in order to accept this as the truth it is. Everything else needs to be secondary right now

To OP

Learn from the experience and move on.

To be honest, this man sounds like a brainless idiot, playing around with peoples emotions. not really a proper man really. He seems to think that he can manipulate you, and to a certain extent,he has done.

I wouldn't even bother to think about any revenge, although you may feel like it right now.

You say that he left you homeless. how can you have any love for a man like this,who has no proper values in life.

You could meet someone lovely later on, who would treat you well,and properly.. Its up to you, you matter most of all. good luck for all things.

Don't tell her.

Walk away.

Find your own happy life.

I have no dignity or self respect left. I can't heal or move on
You won't while you keep engaging with this lying, cheating, manipulative fucker!
So stop it.
Block him on everything.

No I wouldn't out him.

I'd let her carry on in oblivion until it finally hits her square in the eyes.
My more recent ex is cheating on the OW. I could tell her but I won't.
Let her suffer just like I did.
Wonder if you're going mad.
Stalk him to get proof.
She can do that this time.
Funny thing is, that when she does find out she still won't bin him.
But that's her lookout - not mine!

Don't get dragged into the drama.
Find some dignity and move on.

Why bother, he's a lying cheating nasty prick anyway, she will soon discover that; you are also not really showing any respect for her either though are you, and please stop sending naked pics, they could end up anywhere. Stop wasting your time on him, he's using you for a shag that's it; go find a man yourself that is not shagging someone else and will treat you with some respect. Best way to get over him is to get under someone else.

I wouldn’t tell her. It will be punishment enough to know that they will probably make each other unhappy.

He sounds absolutely wicked. He's not a nice person. Forget the revenge, just pick up the pieces of your life and move.on.

I don't believe for one moment that this man has changed. What has changed is that he realised he could have his new girlfriend and sex with you on the side.

I don't know what you hope you will get from this shit shambles? I would plough your energy into building your self respect and making sure you never allow yourself to be with such a poor excuse for a human being again.

If you expose what 'evidence' you have, all it does is support the drama he is creating. He sounds like a shit Dad too, which sadly is no surprise given how he behaves generally.

I wouldn't tell her. But I would tell her for your sake.

I don't think you will be able to handle the fall out from all this.

You need to find the strength to walk away. You will feel so much better for it.

You need to tell her, girls need too stay together you're both getting mugged off he doesn't love you or her, I'm sure you would want to know I definitely would, you're stopping yourself from having a family with a lovely man for this asshole.

He has already told me that if they break up he will come back to me

I'd put your energy into some therapy. You need help exploring why youve gone from partner of 5 years to the OW and have no self esteem or respect.

There must be something in your past that would help you understand why thus is happening.

You need to cut this man out of your life.... because as bad as he is... you are allowing yourself to be used.

You need to take 100% responsibility for that.

Out him with ALL the receipts.

You don't love him too much to hurt him, you're worried if you hurt him he'll be pissed off and won't want you back. Not the same thing. Out the bastard and move on to someone worthy.

It was so painful to hear him say that - that if they break up he will come back to me. When only a few months ago we were planning our wedding. I just don't understand how he can go from planning and wanting a future with me to relegating me to cheap dirty side bitch he only uses for sex. He has no love for me, no respect. I'm doubting now if he ever did. I just don't understand, none of any of this makes any sense to me and I doubt I'll ever get closure from him.

I'm sure that he's only interested in me at all still is because I will do his favourite things in bed and she won't. She's a shit shag apparently (his words) and the sex with me is great so he truly is having his cake and eating it. I hate myself for allowing it and for loving him still, despite everything. I want to just crawl into a hole and die hibernate until the feelings are gone. If I had any self esteem or self respect I would never have even stayed with him as long as I did. Not sure if I am strong enough to tell him to go fuck himself even though I desperately want to!

You need to tell him to go fuck himself for your own sanity. He is using you for sex. Simple as that. And it’s easy to blame her, but I very much doubt that’s the truth.
Don’t do anything just block him and grieve and move on. You can find someone who is worthy of you. He is not