Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

What to do ? I’m so confused

83 replies

user1470296287 · 31/10/2018 18:16

Hi bit of a back story,

Ex left me out of the blue in 2016, I sold family home rented for a while then bought a shared ownership property which I love been here for 18 months. Took over 2 years to heal and feel less heartbroken and felt content in my new life and my son in a good place.

I tried online dating in April this year and met someone really nice but he was only 3 months out from his wife leaving him after 32 years together. He treats my very well and tells me all the time how much he loves me and is very lucky to have met me. My son(18)likes him and they get on very well as I do with his children (grown up)So all good with the relationship.

But he is desperate for us to be together all the time live together and share the rest of our lives with each other. He wants us to buy his house and buy the wife out and completely change the house and for me to sell my share in my property and all live happily ever after.
We have been approved for the mortgage on his place and mine has been put on the market.
I feel really strange about it all of a sudden and feel I don’t want to let my place go, but I know it would be a mean thing to do as he would be heartbroken if I pulled the plug on our plans.
I love him and really love being in his company but all of a sudden this has become real and a big decision to make that leap of faith and start fresh as a couple on a new life together.

Sorry it’s a long post but would appreciate any advice or opinions on this as I’m starting to feel really down about the whole thing.

OP posts:

DancingForTheDog · 31/10/2018 18:26

Hmmm, in my opinion this is all a bit sudden if you only began dating in April, so giving up a place you love to try living together is a huge risk. Listen to you instincts. Why don't you share your doubts with him? His reaction will tell you a lot about his character. If he truly loves you he will respect your concerns and will be happy to wait until you are 100% sure it's what you want. Could you move in with him for a month, just to see how you get on living under one roof?

Pessismistic · 31/10/2018 18:28

Hi op I wouldn’t give up your home just yet he might be upset but your not calling time on the relationship just slowing the process down if u give up your home and it doesn’t work out it will be and your dc starting from fresh not him and his dc’s take your time what’s his hurry I would suggest when you buy together a fresh new home = fresh start good luck x

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 18:34

You only met him in April?! No that’s way too soon to be moving in and getting a mortgage together and very risky (finances, not knowing him well, him not long out of a long marriage.)

something2say · 31/10/2018 18:36

Yes I agree with the others. Get on the phone now and tell him you need more time to come to trust in the relationship. Since April is not long at all, and you've been through so much upheaval. TBH it smacks to me that he wants a domestic setup asap, which is not bad in and of itself, but it's his agenda. You have a different one. And, it's ok to have a honeymoon period. Why rush? It may be that you do end up together for a long time, for life maybe, and if so, then to look back on the early years will be nice. I've come to think this more and more as I get older. The beginning, then the middle.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 18:39

Hit the brakes HARD. Your gut is telling you this is all way too soon, and I think it is, too. Your boyfriend was married for a very long time and I think he may be desperate for someone to fill the empty "wife" space. Don't risk your future and financial independence. If he REALLY loves you, he'll wait until you are absolutely ready.

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 18:43

Too bloody soon!!!!
And I say that as someone who was engaged to my OLD boyfriend after 4 months.
Because ab engagement can be walked away from.
Selling your home (and your son’s?), sinking your money into his home... it’s difficult to reverse and all too soon.

Do you really want to live in his marital home anyway?

I don’t think this is normal wobbles at change, I think this is your instinct and simply common sense telling you to hold your horses.

Sounds like it’s driven by him and you’re happy progressing as you are.

It’s all rather convenient for him too, barely any time single and able to stay in his old home.

He probably isn’t a manipulative arse using you, he could well be a lovely guy who was lucky to meet you quickly. But it’s still way too soon to do anything with such drastic consequences.

Incidentally, I’m now married to my OLD, 3 years down the line. He lives with me and I still told him to rent out not sell his place yet, as we’re barely out of the box and not tried and tested. Always always know your reverse route from a relationship.

Escolar · 31/10/2018 18:45

Would you feel better about it if you were buying a new place together, rather than moving into his old family home? I think I would.

Beansandcoffee · 31/10/2018 18:48

I find it odd that he wants you to move into his old family home. If I was in your situation we would both sell our homes and buy one together. New start. I just find it strange and hope you have spoken independently to a solicitor about this as my gut feeling is there is more to this then he is letting on.

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 31/10/2018 18:50

Listen to your gut.

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 18:53

Can he not get a mortgage for a high enough amount now, and buy it on his own? Then you can progress the relationship at a rate that suits you both. I really am at the idea of being on a joint mortgage with a man that I’d known for 6 months.

I suggest you do some googling to find out the legal process and just how long it could take you to get your money back out of the house if you decided he wasn’t for you, and if he wouldn’t play ball.

Incidentally - you have spoken to a solicitor about being tied up in an asset of a married man or a divorced man without a Financial Consent Order, right?

Because I’m guessing that if he’s only 9 months split and the house isn’t sorted out yet, that some of that admin might be outstanding...

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 18:56

Is he actually divorced yet?

Original poster

user1470296287 · 31/10/2018 19:00

No neither of us are divorced yet and thankyou so much for the replies so far it’s very helpful.
Maybe I thought I was ready after 2 years on my own but I think I’m just a bit vulnerable still

OP posts:

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 19:03

Oh well even more reason not to get a mortgage together. There might be financial implications from the divorces that you have not considered yet.

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 19:09

Bloody hell!
He’s not even divorced yet?!!!!
I was really hoping you were going to correct me.
Just: STOP

Look, I bought a house (on my own) during my divorce period - and my solicitor was pretty uncomfortable about me not waiting - my XH was asked to sign additional paperwork to agree that we were sticking to the financial agreement as detailed and that my house was not a separate asset but part of that agreement. But that wasn’t legally binding.

How much do you even know about his proposed Consent Order?
Have you spoken to a solicitor independently to understand the legal implication of sharing an asset with a married man (and his wife)?

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 19:13

You're not even divorced yet?! How could you even consider this? Total madness.

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 19:19

It’s not necessarily that you’re not ready after 2 years, or vulnerable.

You can be completely ready to live with someone and want to share your life with them, even if you’ve only just met them, whilst still recognising that in practical terms it’s madness to tie up your home with that person.

If you posted “would I be mad to rent my house out and move in with a guy I just met this year? If it doesn’t work out, I can give my tenants notice, I’m not tied into a tenancy agreement with my boyfriend, and my incoming rent is enough to keep me in a third property until mine is vacated again” I’d be saying - life is short, you have all bases covered, why not?

The problem here is just how hard this all is to untangle.

How do you get your money back out if you split up now, in 6 months, in 10 years?

And look, you’re already in shared ownership - because it’s not easy getting a mortgage. If you split up in 2 years - even if you get your money back, would you get a mortgage again? Will shared ownership still be a ‘thing’? Will prices have risen so you can’t get the right mortgage? If there is even the slightest chance that this could leave you off the house ladder, even more reason not to do it!

If you really want to live together, rent or other house out.

Shoxfordian · 31/10/2018 19:24

Six months seems so fast to move in together. I think you're rushing into this. Don't buy anywhere yet. Are you sure he doesn't just want a replacement wife?

category12 · 31/10/2018 19:31

Definitely hit the brakes - you both need to finalise your divorces and you should get some independent advice. Are you sure you even want to move into the house he shared with his wife?

From the outside it looks like he just wants his security and domestic life back like it was, and the only thing that will have changed is the woman. Which means you could be anyone.

Beansandcoffee · 31/10/2018 19:37

You must not sell your house and buy with him his family home. He is still married. I bet he isn’t allowed to do this. If I was his soon to be ex wife I would be putting a stop to this. It could take them years to get divorced and no way would I be releasing my hold on the family home until I was divorced and the finances were sorted. You are not divorced either....where does that leave you and your ex and the financial settlement. No solicitor would agree to this.

Petalflowers · 31/10/2018 19:37

You met him in April, and he had separated his wife of 32 years three months previously, and he wants you to move in with him in his long term family home. Definitely slow down. Too much too soon. He is definantly on the rebound,
.

You said that you thought after two years you may feel,ready. Stick to your gut instinct. It’s all happening too quickly.

Petalflowers · 31/10/2018 19:38

Good,advice,from Beans and coffee.

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 19:39

What is going to happen financially for you in the divorce settlement? Isn’t your ex entitled to part of the equity in the house?

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 19:40

Just seen you sold the family home.

Dragongirl10 · 31/10/2018 19:45

Op massive alarm bells are ringing here, his wife only left him 3 MONTHS AGO........he is looking for a replacement....please don't, as others have said if he really loves YOU he will wait for as long as it takes...
Both o0f you need to be divorced, living apart and dating and fully independant for a while yet...

Ozziewozzie · 31/10/2018 19:52

I’m so sorry but I’m with everyone else on here. Maybe you’ve been lucky and met a great guy, in which case he will understand fully.
If he sulks or try’s to talk you round, stand your ground.

Flip

1 2 3 4