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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do ? I’m so confused

83 replies

user1470296287 · 31/10/2018 18:16

Hi bit of a back story,

Ex left me out of the blue in 2016, I sold family home rented for a while then bought a shared ownership property which I love been here for 18 months. Took over 2 years to heal and feel less heartbroken and felt content in my new life and my son in a good place.

I tried online dating in April this year and met someone really nice but he was only 3 months out from his wife leaving him after 32 years together. He treats my very well and tells me all the time how much he loves me and is very lucky to have met me. My son(18)likes him and they get on very well as I do with his children (grown up)So all good with the relationship.

But he is desperate for us to be together all the time live together and share the rest of our lives with each other. He wants us to buy his house and buy the wife out and completely change the house and for me to sell my share in my property and all live happily ever after.
We have been approved for the mortgage on his place and mine has been put on the market.
I feel really strange about it all of a sudden and feel I don’t want to let my place go, but I know it would be a mean thing to do as he would be heartbroken if I pulled the plug on our plans.
I love him and really love being in his company but all of a sudden this has become real and a big decision to make that leap of faith and start fresh as a couple on a new life together.

Sorry it’s a long post but would appreciate any advice or opinions on this as I’m starting to feel really down about the whole thing.

OP posts:
Bananalanacake · 01/11/2018 07:21

Lots of good advice here. I suggest telling him you have been in a relationship for so long before you now want to live on your own for at least 4 more years while still seeing him before deciding on living together. His reaction will tell you everything.

Original poster
user1470296287 · 01/11/2018 07:27

I’ve told him it’s now not going to happen until we are both divorced and I’m taking my house off the market, I’ve emailed my intention to withdraw my house this morning and will follow up with a phone call.

He was very sad and said his world has fallen apart but will have to accept that’s the way it’s going to be until everything has sorted out properly with the divorces.

We will see what happens from here on but I personally feel like a big weight has been lifted

Thankyou all so much for the advice 💐

OP posts:
CitrusFruit9 · 01/11/2018 07:27

Very convenient that your boyfriend's new love is a woman with assets of her own who can fund him retaining his home and lifestyle - no?

Livingloving · 01/11/2018 07:31

Well done op, you have done the right thing. I have a feeling that by the time you divorce, you won’t want to live with him after all. It was just too much too soon.

Ellisandra · 01/11/2018 07:47

Well done!
I’m glad you feel relieved.

I’m Hmm at his “my workd has fallen apart” shit though. I had hoped he was just eager beaver making bad decisions, rather than manipulative twat. Keep an eye on that, won’t you? Massively unfair to lay that guilt trip on you.

category12 · 01/11/2018 07:50

You've done the right thing and you know that by the 'weight lifted' feeling.

"He was very sad and said his world has fallen apart but will have to accept that’s the way it’s going to be until everything has sorted out properly with the divorces." It's good that he's accepting.

Tbh I also think him feeling his world has fallen apart is good too - I'm not being callous, I don't think he's faced up to the end of his marriage and was just doing anything to keep his sense of familiarity going, trying to slot you into his wife's role as fast as possible.

A bit of time getting to know each other and having fun is in order.

DancingForTheDog · 01/11/2018 07:55

That's good news OP. You may very well have a wonderful future with this man, but putting the brakes on is absolutely the right thing to do for the time being. I hope things work out for you.

category12 · 01/11/2018 08:24

Just going to reiterate the "having fun" part of my post - have fun, OP. This is the early stages of a relationship, it should be dates and dancing and dogwalks (or whatever floats your mutual boats). It's not a race to merge finances, settle down together and start washing socks.

Ellisandra · 01/11/2018 08:39

I think category makes a good point, about the “world falling apart” being related to his marriage ending.

First guy I dated after my divorce, dumped me. I hadn’t even liked him when we met at a BBQ, only said yes when he asked my friend for my number, as I was flattered. He wasn’t a good fit for me at all. Yet when he dumped me, I cried buckets and couldn’t eat or sleep - probably my worst ever break up feelings! Looking back, I think my upset was really this stark reality that I was back in the world of dating, dumping and ego bruising!

hellsbellsmelons · 01/11/2018 08:54

Very glad to read your update OP.
Well done.
It was all way too much way too fast.
Hopefully you can continue to date and take things slower but I think he's a love bomber and that is a massive red flag that you should be avoiding!

Katgurl · 01/11/2018 09:45

Well done. It's not your job to fix his mess. If he's as lovely as you say then he will be patient and if you do take that leap together you can do it with an open heart.

Dragongirl10 · 01/11/2018 10:10

I second everything CATEGORY 12 said

Babysharkdoodoodoodo · 01/11/2018 17:38

Wasn't there a post a few months back about someone who sold there house to move in with their newish partner, only to be dumped after contracts were exchanged? Leaving her potentially homeless. Can't remember how it all planned out in the end but you've possibly had a lucky escape.

Rebecca36 · 01/11/2018 19:10

Bit soon in the relationship to make such big commitments. Ask him to hold off for a while. By maybe next summer you will have a better idea about what you want to do long term. In the meantime you are enjoying your independence and that counts for a lot - you may find you want to hang onto it!

House4 · 01/11/2018 19:30

Reading your last updates I've just breathed a massive sigh of relief for you!
You've got yourself into a great position financially with your own house being sorted after your separation from your husband. Hold on tight to that with both hands! From that position of security you can find what and who makes you happy without any other pressures.
So glad you didn't rush into losing that.

whatbeshrekking · 01/11/2018 19:52

Diving into a new relationship after only 3 months, so in love and desperate to move in, and his world is falling apart when that's no longer a possibility?

He sounds emotionally unstable to me. At best.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 01/11/2018 20:55

Good you've told him that. Let them sell the house and she can get her share and then if you still want to you can buy a place together.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2018 21:49

You met him since months ago and he's pressuring you to sell the home you love, uproot your DS and tie yourself to him financially for 25 years.

No. No. No. don't do it.

Your instincts are telling you something. Listen to them.

What's his big rush anyway.

BitOutOfPractice · 01/11/2018 21:54

Sorry I hadn't read the thread in my utter horror at your op.

Well done. Glad you've pulled back from the brink

Rebecca36 · 02/11/2018 00:08

Good for you op. You've made the right decision. You really haven't known your boyfriend that long. If he is a genuine sort of guy, he'll wait.

In the meantime, enjoy your singleness

PolkaDoting · 02/11/2018 00:32

Thank god for that!

HereIgoagainxx · 02/11/2018 00:50

He is likely craving the security of a live-in partner because it's what he has known for the past 30+ years. Definitely do not give up your home and move in yet.

Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 21:47

I'm so happy you have stopped this in it's tracks.. as far as I could see.. the only people to benefit were Him and his Ex... the mere fact your feel like a weight has been lifted off your shoulders speaks volumes ....

You'll get a much clearer picture of your relationship now lovely without the financial stresses... good luck Flowers

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 02/11/2018 22:47

Thank fuck you have put a stop to this. Dear god, what were you thinking!?

Fwiw, I have no impression he is a nice guy, quite the opposite. He is targeting your money and I would bet this isn't the last time he asks you to fund something else. I would not trust this snake, no fucking way.

mumto2babyboys · 02/11/2018 22:57

How can you guys possibly buy any thing without getting divorced first.

Your are essentially giving your ex 50% of everything you buy until you are divorced

And why is he pressuring you into it so quickly!