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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What to do ? I’m so confused

83 replies

user1470296287 · 31/10/2018 18:16

Hi bit of a back story,

Ex left me out of the blue in 2016, I sold family home rented for a while then bought a shared ownership property which I love been here for 18 months. Took over 2 years to heal and feel less heartbroken and felt content in my new life and my son in a good place.

I tried online dating in April this year and met someone really nice but he was only 3 months out from his wife leaving him after 32 years together. He treats my very well and tells me all the time how much he loves me and is very lucky to have met me. My son(18)likes him and they get on very well as I do with his children (grown up)So all good with the relationship.

But he is desperate for us to be together all the time live together and share the rest of our lives with each other. He wants us to buy his house and buy the wife out and completely change the house and for me to sell my share in my property and all live happily ever after.
We have been approved for the mortgage on his place and mine has been put on the market.
I feel really strange about it all of a sudden and feel I don’t want to let my place go, but I know it would be a mean thing to do as he would be heartbroken if I pulled the plug on our plans.
I love him and really love being in his company but all of a sudden this has become real and a big decision to make that leap of faith and start fresh as a couple on a new life together.

Sorry it’s a long post but would appreciate any advice or opinions on this as I’m starting to feel really down about the whole thing.

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 31/10/2018 19:56

I don't think it's about you being ready, it's more about the speed of this.

The risks are just too high for you. I really think if anyone is rushing you then its a red flag.You don't know him well enough despite how you feel now.

Not living together before buying is a massive risk.The cost of buying/selling is high so why sink this money that you might not be able to afford.

I think buying together suits him...if he can't see that you have the risk, not him then that's another red flag.

Why are you not divorced yet?

category12 · 31/10/2018 20:04

It's not a "mean thing to do" to put it on hold and slow things down a bit. You guys really do need the financial settlements from the divorce(s) sorted out before you join finances. Don't let yourself get railroaded out of fear of hurting his feelings - marry buy into a house in haste, repent at leisure.

Blame it on the practicalities if you think he'll take it hard.

Original poster
user1470296287 · 31/10/2018 20:06

My divorce is going to be in the new year jan/ feb as my ex said he would deal with it as I dealt with selling the family home, but he has been dragging his heels and comes up with excuses to put it of for a while ie can’t afford it and he has been of no fixed address (long story) he asked in the summer for the marriage certificate and said he got as far as filling in the paperwork.

My boyfriends wife wants her money from us jointly buying and then she will divorce him

I write this down and think omg what am I thinking

OP posts:
category12 · 31/10/2018 20:08

My boyfriends wife wants her money from us jointly buying and then she will divorce him

Yeah no. That's not how it works.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 20:13

I write this down and think omg what am I thinking

That's how you KNOW you're making a terrible decision. Please listen to yourself before you've done something massive you can't undo.

RyderWhiteSwan · 31/10/2018 20:13

I write this down and think omg what am I thinking

I'm pleased to read that!

Dragongirl10 · 31/10/2018 20:15

I can see the penny has dropped op...please reconsider, just carry on dating...

Ohyesiam · 31/10/2018 20:16

You e been dating less than a year. It’s too soon for you so it doesn’t feel right. Listen to your feelings they are there to guide you.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 20:18

Hells Bells this is all very convenient for your Boyfriend and his Missus... I agree with EVERYONE on here.... HIT THE BRAKES NOW!!!!

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 31/10/2018 20:19

I’m waving you a big red flag.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 20:23

So your BF doesn't have to PAY his ex a PENNY.... because you're PAYING it all for him.... NICE Hmm

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 20:48

“My boyfriend’s wife” - now isn’t that a phrase we all daydream about saying? Confused

Why are you waiting around for your own husband to divorce you?

You sound utterly clueless about the divorce process, you really do need to sort that out.

Neither of you have Consent Orders in place, which means nothing is legally binding, financially.

Here’s what could happen...

His wife says “give us £50K and we’re done”. He gives her £50K that comes from your equity. She goes to her solicitor - who says, “sure you’re entitled to far more - that was just the interim payment during negotiation. Just when you’re reeling from the fact that your boyfriend needs to raise more money to buy her out, your husband finally sees a solicitor who says “yes, the money from your marital home that went into her shared ownership and now is sat in her boyfriend’s and boyfriend’s wife’s house is now a marital asset. Even if you think you agreed a fair split 2 years ago - it’s not legally binding.

And that’s now 4 of you after a slice of this house pie.

Just as you realise that maybe he was rushing you and a bit needy and kind of nice but actually - not for you. (or worse still, he’s just a total arsehole)

I’d get your lovely home off the market, carry on dating to see how it goes, and start your own divorce yourself.

You’re no fool - there’s a reason your instincts went bananas and you posted here Flowers

Original poster
user1470296287 · 31/10/2018 20:52

Thankyou Ellisandra 💐 that really is it in a nutshell I really needed to post tonight .
If I read this scenario I would be screaming NO.

The hard part now is letting him down as he is a nice person but this is just a case of too much too soon

OP posts:
Lookatyourwatchnow · 31/10/2018 20:56

I did this. Then a few months later we split up and I had nowhere to go. I had to move back in, with my DC, to my parents house whilst the house I had bought in to sat on the market and whilst he lived in it, in absolutely no rush to sell it.

PLEASE don't do this. Protect your assets. He can sell up and use his equity to buy a cheaper house.

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 20:59

Yes she wants her money from him which he’s getting from you! No wonder he wants you to move in ASAP.

Fairenuff · 31/10/2018 21:12

He wants to use your money to pay off his wife. Don't do it.

Don't get involved with him financially at all.

Ellisandra · 31/10/2018 21:14

You know what?
You’re not even letting him down, you’re saving him from himself!

This is the wrong decision for him too. What if he realises in 6 months time that you’re lovely, but just not the one for him? And now he’s made you sell your house, so how can he end it...?

Plus all the asset and divorce complication.

You have absolutely zero obligation to make the wrong decision for you, to be nice to him. But - in this case, you’re actually making the right decision for him too.

If you feel bad telling him you’re not ready (and you really shouldn’t feel bad!) then hide behind the legal issues of both of you being married. You can even lie and say your husband saw the for sale sign and has said you can’t sell until divorced Wink

Really though - honesty is the best policy “I’m so glad I met you, but this is way too fast, and legally complicated too - let’s talk about living together again in a year, and once we’re both divorced”.

Any hint of whining, cajoling, sulking... and you’ll be even more glad you pushed the brake pedal!

Good luck... it sounds like you had a tough few years and are in a good place, and enjoying dating. Easy to get carried away when you’re happy!

Craftmonnie · 31/10/2018 21:38

Of everything I've ever read on MN this thread has the biggest red flags I've ever seen. Huge, huge, shiny red flags. Both of you need serious time on your own after your divorces to find yourselves again & only then think about the possibility of getting together. I'd leave it at least two years at the absolute minimum. This chap just wants your money to make his life easier.

Villagelifer · 01/11/2018 04:55

Oh my God OP, you've had lots of good advice already and you sound like you are seeing things for what they are.
As nice as he may seem it's SO wrong what he's asking you to do I felt compelled to add my "don't do it".
I would be very suspicious of a new man asking for financial investment.

Cawfee · 01/11/2018 05:19

He’s not a nice person if he’s bulldozing you into this when you’ve only known him since April! Jesus. Do not do this. STOP. You are going to lose everything if you do. Neither of you are even divorced!!! Tell him that you spoke to a solicitor who advised you to stay put until the divorces are finalised. His divorce is not your responsibility!! You are at huge risk here and I urgently and strongly advise you to speak to a solicitor and seek counselling before you do anything else with this man. You spent all that time getting yourself sorted from your ex and you risk getting yourself into a worse position and ruining it all. You are NOT letting him down. None of this is your burden. You really need help on setting healthy boundaries in relationships. Have you even been away for a two week holiday together yet? If you haven’t then no way you should be moving in together. You never ever live with somebody you haven’t holidayed with and I’m not talking a weekend break. I’m talking an extended abroad trip because that’s when you see somebody’s true side under stress. So you send him a text to say “I have had to seek legal advice due to my divorce not proceeding. I’ve been advised to stop all thoughts of moving in with you until both of our divorced are finalised. The divorces have to happen first before I can even consider moving. I’ve also been thinking that if we do ever move in together I would like it to be a new home and not the one you shared with somebody else for 30 years”
Whatever you do, you do not apologise. No sorry. Because this is not your “fault”. If he doesn’t respond fairly and positively to that text well then it looks like you are being played and used as both an emotional and financial crutch.

BeenThereDone · 01/11/2018 05:35

Read ur Post and no replies.... No just no.

Labradoodliedoodoo · 01/11/2018 05:53

Tell him you’re not ready and you’re happy to stay in your own house. Best he sorts his own finances out with his wife even if that means selling up or taking on a mortgage. It’s not appropriate for you to remedy the issue.

His reaction will be very telling. If he understands and respects the decision be pleased. If he’s pissed off and tries to manipulate you, it’s bad news relationship wise.

DianaT1969 · 01/11/2018 06:11

I was holding my breath reading this, afraid you were going ahead. I really question where his head is. Does he have your best interests at heart by involving you in paying off his wife's settlement? How can he possibly lbe sure after just 6 months of dating that you will be compatible? He knows that relationships can break down and getting out is messy. Why on earth would put you in this position?
Watch him closely and really see his reaction when you tell him you are not going ahead. Start by saying that you are glad you met him, enjoy dating and want that to continue. The only thing you're not doing is selling your family home just yet. If he cares about you he will understand. If he tries to persuade you to go ahead, then cool the romance.

wewillrememberthem · 01/11/2018 06:25

Firstly you,both need to be divorced and untangled from any financial stuff with your ex's before entering into any joint finances.

Secondly why don't you live with him for a year before any financial commitment.

Bambamrubblesmum · 01/11/2018 07:06

I'm not sure he actually does sound like a lovely person tbh OP.

You've only been dating a very short while and he basically wants to mould you into a replacement for his ex wife and slot you straight into his old life Confused sounds a bit creepy to me.

He wants to use your money to pay his divorce bill and in return you get to redecorate. Doesnt sound like a good deal to me and is actually extremely patronising!

Sounds like he has love bombed you to get what he wants and is playing on your sympathy. He wants to stay in his old life and he wants you to foot the bill Shock

My advice is if he sulks or strops because you have quite rightly reconsidered then you had a very lucky escape from a potential con man and the hills are that way >>>>>>>>