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Original poster

Help with DH's 'hangxiety'

106 replies

EmmaWB · 31/10/2018 13:23

My DH has been on a lads weekend and as you would expect got very drunk. He left the group to stumble back to the hotel but has had a memory lapse. Whilst I am 100% confident nothing happened, his anxiety is making him think all sorts of bad things could have happened. I'm talking being spiked, mugged, having an affair. I think it is just his fear of not knowing, but he wants to get a sexual health check. He woke up in his clothes and has nothing to suggest he had been up to no good. Not sure how to feel about this. Anyone out there have any advice or been in a similar position?

OP posts:

diamondsandrose · 31/10/2018 16:46

Oh pal

He's taking you for a right mug and he was getting away with it until you came on here

JennyOnAPlate · 31/10/2018 16:48

Sorry op but I would think he's had unprotected sex and is now panicking about it.

diamondsandrose · 31/10/2018 16:49

And by the way for future reference

You can NEVER be 100% sure about what another person has/hasn't done when you weren't there , it's just not possible.

And it potentially sets you up for a massive fall, you MUST be more realistic

99% if you insist, never 100.

Livingloving · 31/10/2018 17:04

You can’t be 100% sure nothing has happened particularly when he thinks something did!

Sounds like he’s panicking to me because he knows precisely what he has done.

MaisyPops · 31/10/2018 17:10

It seems like he's sowing seeds for being so drunk that he wasn't in control of sleeping with someone.

On an occasion where I've had my drink spiked I got panic and anxious after that is made a fool of myself, felt horrific the next day but never once thought I might have had a one night stand.

I'm really sorry OP but I think he's feeding you a line so that if it turns out he has caught an STI from an unprotected one night stand he can say 'but I was worried...'

HereIgoagainxx · 31/10/2018 17:12

I'd also be inclined to think he did something and he is laying the foundation so if anything gets back to you then he can cry and say "I knew it. ... I was taken advantage of, didn't know what I was doing etc."

Now, if he suffers with huge anxiety and has never been that drunk before then maybe I'd think he was just paranoid. But it would be a bit of a stretch.

diamondsandrose · 31/10/2018 17:25

Has he ever been this "anxious" after being very drunk previously ?

All very odd, the STI test is totally OTT

He knows fine well he's had unprotected sex with someone and is looking for a get out clause

AdaArdor · 31/10/2018 17:26

Just to share an alternative perspective; I had this and was diagnosed with OCD. I would obsessthat I had cheated on my partner. OCD tricks you into believing the worst things wherever there is uncertainty (ie when drunk). Find a MIND article about OCD and ask him to read it to see if it is how he feels. If he's never cheated before and you trust him, this might be a more likely explanation than what others are saying. I do realise it sounds a bit left-field but it is a horrendous disorder, the worst time of my life, and not enough people are aware of the scope of this disorder - it isn't just hand washing and neatly arranging items in a perfect order.

MaisyPops · 31/10/2018 17:36

ada
Whilst possible, what's more likely:

Man who is otherwise lovely goes on lads weekend, drinks too much and has an unprotected one night stand, realises he's screwed up and panic.
Man suddenly develops a mental illness that is all consuming at the point at which he happens to have been away with the lads?

Katgurl · 31/10/2018 17:42

Does he usually get that drunk? If yes I'd wonder why he's imagining an indiscretion this time.

Could he have blacked out but heard from a third party he left with a woman?

I have had the worry I cheated fear too. It's probably as it's one of my biggest worries. I cheated in the past when I was way younger and I know how it would ruin my relationship. I kept worrying about one night and I really really don't know why - i remember deciding I was way too drunk and getting into the back seat of a taxi for a longish journey home. I nodded off. Then I remember pulling up outside and feeling very confused, then going into the house after having huge difficulty as the key tends to stick and I was conscious I wasn't to wake my partner's kids. I snuck in, woke him up, had loads of sex and fairly certain got pregnant that night. But I kept having anxious attacks I had done something on the way home and it wasnt really his baby. Anxiety pure and simple.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 17:42

My bullshit radar is going off. I hear guilt talking

None wakes up fully clothed, and wonders whether they have fucked someone else, without remembering. Not unless they are pre-disposed to cheating. Also, unless his wallet is missing he knows that he wasn't mugged, so it's all a load of Bullshit

He's had a one night stand, and is laying the groundwork

You can NEVER be 100% sure about what another person has/hasn't done when you weren't there , it's just not possible

I agree with all of the above......

MrDarceysMistress · 31/10/2018 17:51

I have alcohol blackouts, and I don’t have to be ridiculously drunk either. 2+ glasses of wine will do it. Unless you’ve been there you’ve no idea how massive ‘the fear’ is. Ever read Girl on a train? I’ve been in situations where I don’t remember having sex, but it’s not something I’d automatically assume unless other tell tale signs were there Ie waking up next to someone, or at least with no clothes on!
Jury’s out with me...

HeebieJeebies456 · 31/10/2018 18:02

he wants to get a sexual health check
I bet he does! Was too drunk to use a condom!

got very drunk..has had a memory lapse
If that is true, then he doesn't need to worry about maybe having had 'an affair'.....he should consider the possibility of him being raped because he was too drunk to give consent.
He can ask for an anal exam to be done as well if he was too drunk to remember what or who he did.

personally, i think he cheated on you and is now panicking in case he's caught an STD so he's spinning you a yarn to wriggle out of it.

Might be a good idea to avoid sex until he's got the all clear from everything, seeing as STD's have different incubation - and testing - periods.

www.stdcheck.com/blog/how-soon-get-tested-for-stds-unprotected-sex/

pudding21 · 31/10/2018 18:21

Where was the stag do op? I’d say he’s done something and is scared shitless (maybe can’t remember using protection). If he was really that drunk, would he have been able to have sex anyway?

Hmmmm I’d be using condoms until his trip to the gum clinic is done and results back.

I get the bear fear, usually about my drunken mouth as suddenly I get really honest and tell people my shit when I am really private. I’ve never thought I’ve shagged someone and forgotten if I used protection or not.

hopefloating · 31/10/2018 18:51

Is there any other evidence he was spiked? Did he sober up quickly for example? I went from being unable to say my name or tell police where I lived to being fully coherent within an hour. I went to a rape clinic and cctv etc was checked and thankfully they could track all my movements so thankfully no evidence of rape. (My instincts must have kicked in - left the bar on my own without my coat and bag in the middle of winter, managed to get to a place I used to live and thankfully someone found me and called the police). If no other circumstances to suggest possible spiking, what other reason does he have to suspect infidelity? There has to be something.

sizzledrizz · 31/10/2018 18:59

He got so drunk that he blacked out and has no memory of anything that happened, yet he managed to get back to his hotel room.

Rebecca36 · 31/10/2018 19:27

It's frightening to have an alcoholic blackout, anything could happen. Not necessarily by him but to him! He was probably far too drunk to do anything himself. So if it reassures him to be checked for STIs, encourage him to go for it - and tell him not to be so stupid in future.

diamondsandrose · 31/10/2018 19:36

OP has disappeared .....

Good call re the anal examination! I'd insist on that , blackout sex could be sex of any description with either sex.

Avegemitesandwich · 31/10/2018 19:37

I've read enough threads on MN from women who've blacked out when drunk and are worried that they might have been raped despite no evidence to suggest that this is the case, that I'm not immediately saying bullshit.

What, no evidence at all? Why would they worry they had been raped if there was nothing at all to suggest anyone had been near them? Fair enough last thing you remember is talking to a certain bloke, you wake up naked, you have the 'I've had sex' feeling, you have hazy memories of someone being there.... But no evidence at all?

I find it hard to believe that someone would worry they had had sex whist drunk if there was absolutely no evidence to suggest this, they had gone home alone, hadn't been talking to anyone, woke up alone and fully clothed.

But then 'the fear' can be quite a powerful thing...

diamondsandrose · 31/10/2018 19:37

Not that I actually think he was anally raped

But I'd like to see his face when you insist on the examination/tests

Surely all avenues need to be explored to help allay his "hangxiety"

Pigeonpies · 31/10/2018 19:53

I think people are being a little unfair here

I have a friend (male) who does suffer with an anxiety disorder and the day after drinking he's exactly the same, he thinks he's done something bad, he convinced he's beaten someone up or cheated on his girlfriend, all sorts goes through his mind, but actually he never has done anything ( all confirmed by his friends who would take it in turns to look after him!)

If he has a existing condition or often thinks like this, then he needs to see a GP to get a diagnosis and lay off the booze. BUT, if you have never known him to be like this and it's out of character ( maybe ask his friends/fam if you've not known him long) then it sounds a bit suspicious.

Just to add, I've passed out blind drunk many times in my youth and always managed to find my way home, i think intrinsic for me, no matter what sates I've gotten in to!

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay · 31/10/2018 19:56

He's had unprotected sex with someone. Possibly a sex worker as he is petrified of sti's. He is just getting his story straight. Sorry.

Holdingonbarely · 31/10/2018 19:58

Why does he need to mention a clinic! That’s odd

5SecondsFromWilding · 31/10/2018 20:16

I have anxiety disorder and suffer badly from the fear after a heavy night out. Never once have I woken deciding I need an STI check despite not having any reason to think I'd had sex, even after a black out.

I'd be extremely dubious about the idea that he has no reason to think he's had sex. Something is there.

QueenOfMyWorld · 31/10/2018 20:25

Op make sure you get an sti check too

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