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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH just broke up with me over text 😭

79 replies

DC2018 · 31/10/2018 13:15

I've been with my OH for 18 months. I'm deeply in love with him, he is an attentive and caring boyfriend and we get on so well together. He tell me regularly he loves me but I have a severe mental health issue that often makes me cold and aggressive. I have been verbally abusive to him before and was extremely horrible on Friday night after heavy drinking. I apologised prefusely at the time but he was quiet all weekend.
I went home on Monday and text him earlier saying I hope he had a good day etc. He replied telling me he loved me but thinks we should split up as we both feel the same and it won't last so we shouldnt prolong it. I've text back telling him how sorry I am. That I love him and would do anything to make things right between us but will give him space to decide. He replied saying he is so angry at me and himself and needs space. I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart has been torn out. I know I deserve it but don't know how to make things right. I see a psychologist once a week so will see her on Friday but any advice would be gratefully accepted.

OP posts:
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 31/10/2018 13:22

Honestly, and you're probably not going to want to hear this; but I think you're better off remaining split up and working on your issues with yourself.
Poor mental health is no excuse for being cold, aggressive and verbally abusive.
Give him the space he needs and realise that he may not want to ever come back.

joopy79 · 31/10/2018 13:22

I think you need to respect his wishes, give him some space and reflect on what triggered your outburst? Was it the alcohol?

Beaverhausen · 31/10/2018 13:24

You need to sort yourself out before going into a relationship.

YelenaSabra · 31/10/2018 13:26

The best thing you can do FOR YOU is work on you. This will help both with moving on, POTENTIALLY salvaging the rel if your ex wishes to, and making yourself a better partner in future.

Original poster
DC2018 · 31/10/2018 13:26

The alcohol is a key component and I scarcely drink because of it. We were also at my family event which is a lot of triggers for me. I know it's no excuse at all and I probably don't deserve him but I love him soo much and really want to try and make things right before we end it completely

OP posts:
Theyprobablywill · 31/10/2018 13:27

You shouldn't be in any relationship until you learn to control your abusive behaviour. I hope your partner has the strength to block you forever.

MatildaTheCat · 31/10/2018 13:27

Sorry this is so painful but I think you have to let him go. Do you have other support to help you through?

It’s not good for either of you to be in a relationship where one or both of you is getting hurt with fights and awful comments. I would urge you to take time to reflect on how this relationship played out and how you contributed to the outcome (not a blame game, an analysis of the facts).

Take time to get yourself in a better place and definitely talk to your psychologist about how to cope and move forward.

Best wishes.

OliviaStabler · 31/10/2018 13:27

Sorry this happened to you but you cannot treat someone badly on an ongoing basis and expect it to be alright. Sounds like he has tried to accept your behaviour but, if you're verbally abusive to him on an ongoing basis, it's likely Friday's blow-up was the last straw. Saying sorry doesn't cut it I'm afraid.

Have you discussed with your psychologist how to control your outbursts?

m0vinf0rward · 31/10/2018 13:28

He's better off without you and you shouldn't be with anyone until you can get a handle on your issues.

gamerchick · 31/10/2018 13:29

Respect his wishes, leave him alone and work on yourself. You aren't ready for a relationship. Work on getting on even ground and maybe knock the alcohol on the head.

user23334444 · 31/10/2018 13:29

This is probably triggering abandonment issues for you on top of your previous issues.

I think you should respect and accept your OP's decision. If this were the other way around, everyone would be saying the guy is bullying the girl by not accepting her right to break-up.

That said, do please think about getting help for yourself. You must know that you cannot go on like this. It's not just about this relationship - it's about your future relationships and modelling good behaviours for any children you might have now or in the future.

You're not a bad person, but please recognise your issues and get them sorted.

Flowers
AnonEvent · 31/10/2018 13:29

The only thing you can do now is to present the best version of yourself, so you can look back in the future and know you handled it well.

Tell him you're very sorry for what you said, and regret the end of the relationship. And that you wish things were different.

Then don't contact him again, at least until after you've seen your psychologist, hopefully they will be able to provide you with some emotional respite.

Focus on your stuff, getting yourself into a position where you can feel stable and happy - it's healthier to do that on your own anyway (because you know you're only relying on yourself).

And don't give yourself too hard a time, we've all (most) done and said things we don't really mean (whether we have mental health problems or not, it's a human characteristic).

Theyprobablywill · 31/10/2018 13:29

Yes, making it right until the next time you decide to be abusive. If you loved him that much you wouldn't be abusive in the first place.

Singlenotsingle · 31/10/2018 13:33

What a shame. Hopefully you can learn from this that you can't treat people like shit and expect them to hang around and wait for more. They just want to get away. You need to tackle this seriously, or you're going to end up sad and lonely.

Mookatron · 31/10/2018 13:36

You have to respect his decision. It isn't about what you 'deserve' or don't- it's not punishment, it's just him looking out for himself.

You need to work on yourself. You can hope he comes back to you but the main thing should be working out how to change your own behaviour.

Sorry it hurts though. Flowers

Notwhoyouthink35 · 31/10/2018 13:38

I have been your boyfriend. Abusing someone and then blaming it on poor mental health is not ok.

If you have any respect or love for him, let him be and sort out your issues.

peekyboo · 31/10/2018 13:41

Imagine how he's felt even just over this weekend. His memories of your behaviour, your face while you were shouting at him or saying cruel things. He's had that in his mind and will probably have replayed it a few times too.

In your mind, you know it was wrong, triggered by various issues plus the alcohol. You want to make it better after the event, especially if you realised quickly how much harm you had done. But I don't think you get how it feels to be on the other end of this.

You feel remorseful, but probably also better once you've got it out of your system, be that by blowing up at him or acting cold.

He feels the ongoing pain of what has happened before plus the anxiety of not knowing when it will happen again.

And he's broken up by text to avoid any replay of these abusive behaviours. To him, it's a safe way to do it.

AnonEvent · 31/10/2018 13:42

@theyprobablywill and @singlenotsingle

A bit harsh, we don't know what she said to him, and what an emotional woman who is suffering from an undisclosed mental health issue describes as their 'abusive' behaviour may not be nearly as bad as she thinks.

I have a friend with an anxiety disorder who can't believe we still want to be friends with her after she made a flippant comment about a pizza I cooked in 2013... because she's been battering herself about it for five years. I have no recollection of the comment at all.

Aquamarine1029 · 31/10/2018 13:43

Would YOU put up with this abuse if the roles were reversed? I think not. You need a massive amount of professional care before you engage in a relationship again. Let your ex go so he can find happiness.

AwdBovril · 31/10/2018 13:44

If you know that alcohol is a trigger for you, perhaps you need to completely stop drinking, at all, go teetotal.

I agree with PPs who have said you first need to get yourself sorted out. Only then, can you look at a potential relationship. It's unfair on any future partner, as well as yourself, to try to do it any other way - they shouldn't have to put up with your aggression, & you surely don't want your MH issues to be the cause of another relationship breaking down.

Look after yourself. Flowers

SilverLining10 · 31/10/2018 13:46

I think that the kindest thing you can do for yourself is work on your MH issues.
It is his right to not want to be in an abusive relationship.
I think you need to accept this and take some time out for yourself to get help.

Notacluewhatthisis · 31/10/2018 13:47

He has done the right things. Mental health issues are no excuse for abusing people.

Take this time, get yourself sorted so you arent abusive before another relationship.

And stop drinking.

Splitting is the best thing.

Theyprobablywill · 31/10/2018 13:48

Not harsh at all, her ex has dumped her for her abusive behaviour, as well he should. He isn't there to fix her.

EK36 · 31/10/2018 13:51

I think alcohol is a trigger for some people with mental health issues. Abstain from alcohol completely. Allow your partner to leave. Work on improving your mental health. You will meet another when you're feeling well and happy.

waterrat · 31/10/2018 13:54

You say that it is mental health issues that make you be unpleasant - then you say you had been drinking heavily. I tihnk you really need to be completely honest with yourself about your behaviour.

I fully sympathise with MH issues - but as people have said, why not reply to him and say you are going to have therapy and get to the bottom of your own behaviour and also completely stop drinking.