Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH just broke up with me over text 😭

79 replies

DC2018 · 31/10/2018 13:15

I've been with my OH for 18 months. I'm deeply in love with him, he is an attentive and caring boyfriend and we get on so well together. He tell me regularly he loves me but I have a severe mental health issue that often makes me cold and aggressive. I have been verbally abusive to him before and was extremely horrible on Friday night after heavy drinking. I apologised prefusely at the time but he was quiet all weekend.
I went home on Monday and text him earlier saying I hope he had a good day etc. He replied telling me he loved me but thinks we should split up as we both feel the same and it won't last so we shouldnt prolong it. I've text back telling him how sorry I am. That I love him and would do anything to make things right between us but will give him space to decide. He replied saying he is so angry at me and himself and needs space. I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart has been torn out. I know I deserve it but don't know how to make things right. I see a psychologist once a week so will see her on Friday but any advice would be gratefully accepted.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 31/10/2018 14:53

The cause of the behaviour doesn’t excuse it. Maybe you need to work on taking some responsibility for what you do, with your psychologist. What I hear is you using your MH and alcohol and your family problems as mitigation for behaviour so bad that it made him break up with you in a way that meant he didn’t want to see you to do it in person. Why would he come back for more? What will the excuse be next time?

I don’t doubt that your MH condition does affect your behaviour, but it’s up to you to learn to manage it rather than expect someone to put up with being your metaphorical punch bag just because you really really love them.

Please leave him alone and try and learn from the experience instead. I’m glad you have the psychologist to support you.

Itsnotabingthingisit · 31/10/2018 14:57

Sounds like a cliche, but if you really care about him you should split up and not subject him to this regular abuse.

Who knows what the future holds, but sometimes just loving someone doesn't make a good relationship on it's own, you need respect, trust and to generally have fun. Doesn't seem like there is much of any of that going on.

SandyY2K · 31/10/2018 14:59

It's best you remain on your own until you can control yourself.
He is right to end it with you.

MsLexic · 31/10/2018 15:00

I have lived with a partner with severe MH problems. In the end I left because of verbal and physical abuse, coldness and many other things. Thing is, I have chronic illness which is extremely painful and I struggle in life, myself with depression and so on..
I just could not take any more.
I have no patience with people with MH problems who drink heavily or smoke acres of weed ( like my ex) and then take the attendant paranoia out on their DP. Yup. He used to apologise too.
Apologies do not put things right. You cannot unsay swearing and abusive behaviour.
If you have a partner you should take care of yourself so you do not hurt them also.
I think you should seek extra support from the outreach services and get yourself in hand. Until then, do not seek relationships, you clearly cannot sustain or nurture a partner.

MsLexic · 31/10/2018 15:07

Also I am unconvinced that MH and alcohol abuse is necessarily the cause of your own abusiveness. These are all separate issues.

TeeBee · 31/10/2018 15:20

Are you sure you love him? Why would you want that life for him if you truly loved him? If he can't be in a relationship with you without being subjected to abusive behaviour, why should he carry on? Sounds like he's doing the right think to take care of himself.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/10/2018 15:38

Hey OP I hope you are OK. This thread must make tough reading

All the PPs are right. You have to respect his request for space. That will be very difficult I know but it's the onl way forward - for both of you

TheGrassIsGreener3 · 31/10/2018 15:41

You're better off separate from this partner and any other partners until you've learnt how to control your abusiveness. I don't blame him for not wanting to put up with verbal abuse. I am sorry that you're feeling hurt but use this as a push to work out how to sort your behaviour out.

Mirali · 31/10/2018 15:43

I'm afraid i agree that he's made the right decision. That sort of behaviour isn't part of a healthy relationship.

Onecutefox · 31/10/2018 15:49

I also agree with the others that you need to give him a space. I would probably apologise for your uncontrolled moods and that you would find a suitable therapy for this. Some medication and contraception could also aggravate the symptoms so look into it as well.

Dlux · 31/10/2018 15:51

People are being harsh to the OP.

BewareOfDragons · 31/10/2018 15:57

Please leave him alone and don't bother him again. He's done the right thing for himself, frankly: he's exited an abusive relationship.

OP, you need to get more help for your MH issues. And you need to stop drinking. Get help with that, too, if you need it. Because MH issues and drinking are NO excuse for being verbally abusive to anyone. You don't get to take out your problems on other people. And they don't have to stick around to help you sort out your problems when you treat them badly.

If you love him, let him go and be happy and safe elsewhere. You need to focus on you right now, not a relationship with him or anybody else for that matter.

Good luck. I do hope you get the help you need to be happy.

user59589098 · 31/10/2018 15:57

That I love him and would do anything to make things right between us

Then let that "anything" be working on yourself with a professional, being alcohol-free and giving him space. Prove you mean it.

You'll be doing yourself the most enormous favour.

I wish you all the best.

X

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 31/10/2018 16:50

I’m sorry op but abuse is never ok. The only acceptable level is none. He has every right to choose not to be abused by you anymore. I have mh issues and have never abused my dh, verbally or otherwise, and if I did I’d expect him to want to walk away too. No one should live under the constant fear of when the next load of abuse is going to be hurled at them. It’s like living with a ticking time bomb.

Work on yourself, don’t drink.

ciderhouserules · 31/10/2018 17:32

Dlux - most posters are not being harsh. They are saying exactly what anyone should say to someone who is an abuser. MH or not, no one should 'put up' with abuse, simply because the abuser is drunk, or has had a bad day, or has MH issues.

She needs help to stop. Not people saying ';oh it's ok hun, he should be sticking by you, regardless.' No one should stay, in the face of abuse. It is not up to the bf to save her, or change her, or take it on.

Lweji · 31/10/2018 19:54

I hope people take notice of this and other threads. It won't be long until the next "MN is hypocritical and man hating" thread!

Issy777 · 31/10/2018 20:07

I want to know about the pizza, was burnt or just tasted horrible? What did she say about it?

AnonEvent · 31/10/2018 21:30

@Issy777 it was SO innocuous, I dropped the pizza out of the oven, and she referred to it as a “pizza shit” (as in a piece of shit). Yeah, literally nothing.

SilentIsla · 31/10/2018 21:52

People are being honest.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2018 23:23

Most posters are not being "harsh" to the OP at all. She is being told what most abusers should be told - that the person on the other end of the abuse has the right to walk away and that they DON'T have to put up with shit behaviour just because the abuser "loves them".

If this were the boyfriend posting, everyone would have told him to run for the hills - or if the OP was in the boyfriend's position and he was the abuser, she would have been told the same - get out, it's not a healthy relationship for you.

FickleFingers · 01/11/2018 05:56

Dlux if a man had posted this he would rightfully get his arse handed to him. People are not being harsh at all.

wewillrememberthem · 01/11/2018 06:19

Stop drinking alcohol.
Let him go.
Get better.

Lweji · 01/11/2018 10:11

Alcohol doesn't cause aggressiveness, though. It only reveals it.

useruseruseruseruseruseruser · 01/11/2018 10:17

she referred to it as a “pizza shit” (as in a piece of shit)

I think that's funny Grin What a shame she tortured herself for years over the comment though.

Gemini69 · 02/11/2018 21:51

how you doing OP Flowers

Swipe left for the next trending thread