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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

OH just broke up with me over text 😭

79 replies

DC2018 · 31/10/2018 13:15

I've been with my OH for 18 months. I'm deeply in love with him, he is an attentive and caring boyfriend and we get on so well together. He tell me regularly he loves me but I have a severe mental health issue that often makes me cold and aggressive. I have been verbally abusive to him before and was extremely horrible on Friday night after heavy drinking. I apologised prefusely at the time but he was quiet all weekend.
I went home on Monday and text him earlier saying I hope he had a good day etc. He replied telling me he loved me but thinks we should split up as we both feel the same and it won't last so we shouldnt prolong it. I've text back telling him how sorry I am. That I love him and would do anything to make things right between us but will give him space to decide. He replied saying he is so angry at me and himself and needs space. I don't know what to do. I feel like my heart has been torn out. I know I deserve it but don't know how to make things right. I see a psychologist once a week so will see her on Friday but any advice would be gratefully accepted.

OP posts:
AnonEvent · 31/10/2018 13:54

@theyprobablywill

Maybe, maybe her behaviour was abusive, but don't forget my friend and the pizza. Seriously, she gets tearful thinking about what she said about my pizza, five years ago... and what she said wasn't even offensive.

I'm not saying he's wrong to leave (see my first post), he has every right to end any relationship whenever he wants. But I'm suggesting she might be an over critical witness to her own behaviour.

Hissy · 31/10/2018 13:55

I'm sorry, but it IS better for him that you are split up.

If he were treating you the way you are treating him I would say the same - you don't need me to tell you this, it's logic.

You can absolutely turn this around and get yourself to a better place, but you can't take others with you, it's not fair on them or on you.

cantfindname · 31/10/2018 13:56

Maybe cutting out the alcohol would be a good place to start?

Theyprobablywill · 31/10/2018 14:01

Your friend couldn't understand why you are still her friend, the OP is contacting her ex to demand a chance to put it right, and can't understand why he won't let her. I am sure she really is remorseful, abusers usually are.

Notacluewhatthisis · 31/10/2018 14:02

Maybe, maybe her behaviour was abusive, but don't forget my friend and the pizza.

Your friend with the pizza means very little. We are talking totally different people, different situation.

Besides which, did you break contact with your friend. Did you tell your friend you couldn't be around her while she continued to make comments like that?

The fact that he has broken up with her suggests there is a problem and it's not just in ops head. Or are you going to suggest that, actually he is fighting her and it's him that's abusive? Is that what you say to women who have been verbally abused? That's it's probably not that bad and they are fighting their abuser?

The op says she is aggressive and verbally abusive when drunk, the Ops partner has broken up with her. Chances are that it's true.

Notacluewhatthisis · 31/10/2018 14:03

For god sake. My phone has change gas lighting to fighting.

michellebelle · 31/10/2018 14:06

I'm sorry you went through that. You were verbally abusive and you have a mental health issue - you know these are problems and you're working to fix them. I applaud you for first, recognising the issue, and second, for working to get better. Thing is, you can't change the past. The situation happened. Now you need to accept what's happened and work on the future.

I know it hurts so much. I've been in a similar situation where my mental health interfered to the point of a relationship breakdown. Hugs. I really do think the best thing for you is to move on.

You can't love someone else and give your best to a relationship when you aren't at your full capacity and you aren't well. It's not fair to you and it's not fair to him.

Work on getting well. Keep on seeing your psychologist.

And please, for your own sake, abstain from alcohol until you get back on your feet again. And avoid heavy drinking altogether. It's nothing but trouble, mental illness or not. xx

Purplerain067 · 31/10/2018 14:09

I have no advice but I really can sympathise with you OP Flowers

AngelaSchrute · 31/10/2018 14:11

OP do you have anyone you could talk to IRL today?

You are already distressed right now and a thread like this won't help.

Starlight345 · 31/10/2018 14:13

He has done the right thing.

My Ex was abusive..When I left he was genuinely shocked ( he had mh issues) I asked him what he expected to happen.. He appologized and things went back to the way they were.

I suspect you feel the same.

No one should tolerate abusive behaviour. You need to get yourself the help if you want a healthy relationship.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 31/10/2018 14:13

I'm sorry that you're sad but you know that if the boot were on the other foot and you were the one on the receiving end of such treatment from him, we'd all be telling you to LTB and don't look back.

Yes, you have mental health problems - but they don't give you licence to be a complete bastard to your other half. If you know that drink makes them worse, then don't drink. EVER.
If you know that family triggers you into a mental health crisis then stay away from them as much as possible - or use some other form of support than alcohol, as it clearly doesn't help.

Your boyfriend might choose to come back and help you deal with your mental health demons, or he might decide that, for his own health, he's better off away from you - you can't really do much about it if he chooses to stay away though, you have to let him decide himself.

I hope your psychologist can help you come to terms with the situation as it stands currently, but also will be able to help you deal with what set it off so you can avoid this happening again.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/10/2018 14:14

Work on getting well or at least learning to manage your MH conditions before you date again - and let this man go. He is not obliged in any way to carry on dating you if he doesn't want to.

Some people seem to think that having MH problems is a free pass to be a nightmare of a partner, and that anyone who says, fuck this, I'm off, is a bad person: not so. There's nothing wrong with dumping a partner because you have had enough of being a mixture of unpaid therapist and punchbag.

It's also in your own best interests to get sorted out before dating, as there are men who find 'crazy' women very attractive. These men are looking for someone they can abuse with impunity - if she's physically or verbally aggressive because of her MH, they can slap her about a bit; they can get gold stars from everyone around for their 'patience and kindness' with the 'crazy bitch', they can get sympathy fucks from other women if they want, and if they sexually abuse the 'crazy' woman or steal from her, no one will believe her, because she is 'crazy'.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 14:15

He replied saying he is so angry at me and himself and needs space
You should reply saying that you understand his need for space and will respect that.
Then take a step back and give him the space he wants.
Do not invade it.
Leave him alone to think all of this through.

You need to completely stop drinking alcohol.
If it's a trigger then you just cannot do it.
It's not fair on those around you if you can't control your temper.

Give him space. If he comes around then fair enough, and if he doesn't, then that's his decision and he's perfectly entitled to make that decision.

Do NOT chase him.
Do NOT text or call him.
Do NOT stalk him on social media.

Keep working on yourself.
Get yourself to a better place.
Surround yourself with friends and keep busy.

Gemini69 · 31/10/2018 14:15

I'm sorry to say .... you sound quite self absorbed OP .. you take no real responsibility for your abusive actions.. you blame the alcohol.. you blame the family event.. as the triggers that made you behave in such a horrible way to your Partner that you claim to love dearly... you could have said no to the alcohol and still enjoyed your evening.. you could have avoided the family event entirely...

I think he is right in that you need to work on yourself first and foremost.. seek the help you need and see where it takes you .. Flowers

RomanyRoots · 31/10/2018 14:20

You have been together for 18 months and he sounds unable to support your illness anymore. He gave you your answer but you seem as though you didn't listen.
He replied telling me he loved me but thinks we should split up as we both feel the same and it won't last so we shouldn't prolong it.
I've text back telling him how sorry I am. That I love him and would do anything to make things right between us but will give him space to decide.

He doesn't need space to decide, he told you his decision.
I'm sorry it's worked out like this, mh issues can be awful, I know.

Before embarking on another relationship get yourself sorted out properly, you can't expect a partner to live with drunkenness and violence.

thereallochnessmonster · 31/10/2018 14:21

Respect his decision. Work on yourself so you're not abusive in future relationships. 'Poor MH' is no excuse.

PinkHeart5914 · 31/10/2018 14:25

He has done the best thing!

Being abused in any way because your partner is struggling with mental illness, just drunk, family event or what other excuse you make up is not acceptable at all ever. Take some responsibility for Christ sake

Take some responsibility for your actions and focus on getting yourself to a good place

Leave your poor partner alone, it’s the least you can do really

Lweji · 31/10/2018 14:26

If you love him so much, do you really want him subjected to abuse on your part?

Let him go.

Clearly, he thought it was bad enough, and probably not the first time.
He's done the right thing. And he deserves better.

You do need to keep your mental issue controlled as much as possible and keep off the alcohol, and your family, if it makes it worse.

Feefeetrixabelle · 31/10/2018 14:26

If being in a relationship with you is hurting him then it’s beat to let him go and work on yourself by yourself. If you love someone let them go.

PurpleDaisies · 31/10/2018 14:33

If you want to “make things right”, the best way to do it is to write him a letter saying how sorry you are, that you accept full responsibility for your own behaviour and that you wish him well for the future.

After that, don’t contact him. You need to work on yourself Flowers

SirVixofVixHall · 31/10/2018 14:34

Love is not enough.
Even neglectful parents generally do love their children. Many abusers would insist that they love their partners, and some women struggle in abusive relationships because they feel love towards their abuser when things are calm, at least until they get some distance away and have a chance to work out why they have those feelings.
Love is meaningless without loving behaviour.
You may love him, but being cold and aggressive is not love in action.
Let him have some peace and space, stop being selfish, and show your love by sorting yourself out and behaving with kindness and respect towards him.

ciderhouserules · 31/10/2018 14:40

Please don't minimise this, OP. You are blaming the drink, the family event 'triggering', your MH... but YOU did it.

Take responsibility for your abuse, and get help for it.

Talith · 31/10/2018 14:43

If you love him respect his decision and leave him in peace. It's over. I hope you can put your energy into getting better.

LethalWhite · 31/10/2018 14:45

You are responsible for your own actions.

To be honest, you sound like you are in a place where you can only consider yourself. Even the title of your post - OH broke up with me by text - places yourself as the victim, and ignores your reaponsibility.

Get help and work on yourself.

It’s not ok to treat people like shit. End of.

MotherOfDragonite · 31/10/2018 14:46

Agreeing with others that you need to work on the issues that you are aware of before being in a relationship again. Until you've addressed them and got them more under control, you risk behaving abusively and sabotaging your relationships. Personally I'd try to be single for a while and try to sort it out before meeting anyone again.