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Original poster

Would you consider having a baby alone

111 replies

Jesspops · 31/10/2018 12:35

If you were 38 and hadn’t met anyone ... I have been single pretty much all my life so it isn’t new to me.

OP posts:

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 00:03

I think if you’ve really thought about it and all the practicalities then you’re in a lot stronger position than anyone who has just got accidentally pregnant.
Go for it. I’ve been thinking along the same lines

heartshapedpositnotes · 01/11/2018 02:45

I'm the age as you and single and I couldn't ethically do it, despite absolutely loving children. I think people consider it far too much their right to procreate and have them too willy nilly, even in relationships, let alone single.

Do you want to create children to enjoy the baby/child part for yourself, at the same time as accepting that they will ultimately die, probably in pain, in the best case scenario 90 years from now?

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 02:48

@heartshapedpositnotes
What annoys me is that people think if you’re in a couple then it’s ok to have kids. It’s a given. No thought needed.
You want to do it on your own you’re suddenly selfish.
No one who wants kids does it for an unselfish reason ever, but at least if you chose to do it alone, you’ve bloody thought about it hard. You’ve not just got knocked up

heartshapedpositnotes · 01/11/2018 02:59

Holding, you're right.

NerrSnerr · 01/11/2018 03:10

Personally I wouldn't want a baby alone because I would find it too lonely and the responsibility too much but as the thread shows that's not the same for everyone. I have had two poor sleepers though---- (why I'm posting at 3am) and would be more broken than I am if doing it alone (yes I know I could end up a single parent and would have to manage if that happened before anyone tells me).

I didn't have much support network pre children but this has grown with local friends.

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 03:13

@NerrSnerr
But the point is. If someone said no child. Or mega hard work.
Which would you chose

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 03:14

It’s almost as if people think if you’re on you’re own it’s like you want a new handbag. But you don’t realise how hard handbags are to look after

NerrSnerr · 01/11/2018 03:50

@Holdingonbarely I would choose no child but I fully accept that's just me. I absolutely understand that many people would do it alone but I would choose not to.

I know that if the OP really wants a baby then it's probably the right thing but she asked if people would consider having a baby alone and it's ok for people to answer honestly- even if it's not the majority or popular view!

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 03:54

@NerrSnerr
But do you say that in hindsight,
I think people doing it on their own are given such a hard time over their choices, yet a woman who has a kid with someone is always seen as superior

NerrSnerr · 01/11/2018 03:57

@Holdingonbarely maybe people who go it alone are given a hard time, but the OP asked a very specific question and I answered honestly. I am not judging anyone on their choices- people do what's right for them.

I probably did answer with the benefit of hindsight, I can only answer from my own experience.

Holdingonbarely · 01/11/2018 03:59

@NerrSnerr
I wasn’t knocking your answer btw. Its a very interesting question.
And I do appreciate you’re honestly at this time of the morning!!!

tenredthings · 01/11/2018 04:27

Yes having kids has been the most important fulfilling part of my life so far and it doesn't mean you can't have a relationship after your child is born. You don't have to remain a single parent !

brookshelley · 01/11/2018 04:31

I met a mum at baby group who has done this via IUI. She is financially well off from her career and her parents help a lot. She's actually thinking of having a second!

Whiskeyjar · 01/11/2018 04:51

I've been a single parent. I've been through colic, teething, studying for a degree whilst working etc all on my own and the hardest part of it all (and all of it was extremely hard) has been been the guilt I have attached to his father. His dad is a dead beat who is around from a distance and no matter what you do a child will always look for the other patent once they get to school and have friends who have 'proper dads' and I can promise you, that is a horrible feeling seeing your child long for something you can't give them and the impacts of a absent parent can be substantial on a child, despite what people would like to believe. I don't think I could knowingly bring a child into the world with no chance of having their dad as part of their life. Just my opinion though

LellyMcKelly · 01/11/2018 07:03

Yes, do it. Your child will be loved and wanted. Sometimes the OH is more trouble than the kids. If you’ve thought it through and think you can give a child a great upbringing then why not? I’d suggest counselling to make sure it’s what you really want.

BarbarianMum · 01/11/2018 07:44

If I could have afforded it and had a good support network then yes. But actually I would have been a terrible single parent to an only child (far to anxious) so it's lucky it didnt come to that.

BarbarianMum · 01/11/2018 07:48

And can we stop with the "all a child needs is to be loved and wanted" crap. It's a good start but children also need a secure roof over their heads, and food and care. Being, for example, brought up in poverty by a single parent with poor mental health is no picnic.

dontalltalkatonce · 01/11/2018 07:50

Yes. I think it's a bit rich, too, for people who have happily procreated to tell someone else she's not good enough, but they were.

Babdoc · 01/11/2018 08:02

It’s perfectly possible, OP, but I wonder if you underestimate the burden of the first two years.
I was widowed with two babies and it was an exhausting nightmare trying to juggle them with a full time job and no relatives within 250 miles. In particular, having no sleep for several nights running when the whole family got norovirus one after the other and I was vomiting while trying to mop up after two sick babies, or trying to care for toddlers while I had flu.
You need to be very sure that you want this, you need proper childcare arrangements and you need some back up for emergencies or illness.
You might be unlucky and have a colicky or difficult baby that doesn’t sleep through the night for months - can you handle chronic sleep deprivation with no partner to relieve you for a nap? And that’s not even considering how you’d manage if your child had special needs.
Think it over carefully, OP, and have contingency plans. I got through it, because I had to, but I’m not sure I’d recommend it as a choice.

DarklyDreamingDexter · 01/11/2018 22:48

Yes, I would have, if I had been in your boat at 38. Yes, it's tough being a single mum at times - been there, done that - but so worth it. Many people end up single without planning it. You just get on with it really. If you've got it all worked out in advance, so much the better.

DryIce · 02/11/2018 12:48

If I wanted kids, I absolutely would. Personally, I don't think it would have come up as I was quite take it or leave it about kids before we decided to have them.

However, if I knew it was what I wanted I think it is a much better idea than rushing into a relationship, or staying in a poor one for the sake of procreation.

Missillusioned · 02/11/2018 12:57

Yes, but I wouldn't have more than one unless I were young enough to leave at least a 4 year gap between them.

And had the finances to buy in some help if needed (childcare, cleaner etc)

Otherwise with more than one child you will be spread too thinly in the early years

TatterdemalionAspie · 02/11/2018 13:07

Totally depends on your circumstances; chiefly, what your support network is like. And finances, obviously.

I have a friend who chose to have IVF with donor egg and sperm. Her twins are now 12 and they are a very happy family. She has a good support network around her and a housemate who is a committed 'aunty'.

I have another friend who always wanted children but it didn't happen for her in time. She is single and has recently adopted a toddler.

FrangelicoCandyBoughs · 02/11/2018 13:15

Yep, I’ve always wanted children more than anything and if I hadn’t have met my DH and settled down by the time I was in my mid 30s I’d definitely consider it

redastherose · 02/11/2018 13:24

Yes definitely, motherhood is worth it and loads of women end up as single parents even when they don't intend to. Much better to do it with your eyes wide open and as long as you can support your child then I would definitely do it.

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