I’m so tired of a sexless marriage

[bittertreats]

NC as I definitely can’t speak to anyone in real life, and I’m even finding it hard to type on the internet.

Backstory; 8 years, 4 married and 2 young kids, (How the hell we’ve managed to procreate, I don’t know.) Our sex life has been dead for 7 years, progressively worse for the last 5. Multiple talks have been had, promises made, no issues ever resolved.

He had his T levels checked, fine. He’s stopped watching porn and masturbating (I’m aware I only have his word for this one) and it’s just gotten worse.

Not just no sex, no cuddles, no kisses no intimacy. He has worked on this a little, which means I’ve stopped flinching with surprise if his hand rests on my back.

It’s become a game for me now, a sad little experiment. Can we make it until my birthday? Easy! Wow, wonder if we could make it to Christmas or even New year? Bonus points if it’s not even mentioned. 

I’m bitter, angry and feeling very lonely. I just look at the decades of sexless marriage in front of me, and I could (and do) cry. But I can’t leave?! How can I throw away a beautiful family life because I’m not getting laid?! That seems utterly selfish and bonkers. Then I think it’s not really the sex though, it’s the disregard of my needs, I am not a priority and nor is our marriage (especially considering all the talks and promises) that lack of respect for me. I don’t really know where to go from here, I’m just sad, lonely and frustrated and wondering if anyone had any experience or advice?

I wish I did but I’m in exactly the same boat. Haven’t had an orgasm in almost 10 years (other than self induced). It’s pitiful but can’t face not seeing my amazing, beautiful kids faces every morning. I’d rather die than be away from them. So what do we do?

cawfee I just don't know, I swing between feeling incredibly selfish and that it's my problem, to upset and angry and feeling as if I need to do something.

I've ruled out cheating, is he gay, etc. He just has low to zero libido and doesn't really feel like changing or compromising for me.

Still the porn op. Crazy amount of treads here with same problem. He's addicted to porn, simple as.

redannie I occasionally get duty sex if we have 'a talk' but then it's tainted, and also rubbish - the sex that I get is minimal foreplay and as quick as possible to get it over with, I never get an orgasm, just left with the female equivalent of 'blue balls' and unable to complain because "I got why I asked for." I'm a nagging chore.

Three times so far this year. Last year was once and the year before (2016) none. I've been more vocal this year, evidently.

I do wonder with the porn, but I also wonder if he doesn't really need to masturbate either. He does make me feel like I have some sort of addiction. Maybe he does.

You have no relationship OP so it's massive, you matter, it's not just about your kids lives; sorry but I'd not carry on in a sexless marriage; I'd rather split and share custody and go find myself someone to love and love me back, it's a basic human need so stop minimising your needs; they are vital for you to live a happy fulfilled life with a partner; you are not going to get that from him, I'd honestly give up now and see if you can amicably call it a day.

That's right Sadie, because it's totally impossible for a man not to be interested in sex 

Op, do you have access to your internet settings?
Change the password and the settings, block all adult content. And then wait.

I have a lady friend who stayed for the social reasons i.e. Got a nice man, and for the money, couldn't afford to get much on her own. But it's hurts her all the time. Has to ask for kisses. Sees that he pays attention out of duty. My heart breaks for her.

Don't stay op. It's important. You are crying out for love fgs! Split quickly and breathe a sigh of relief. I left after five years of it and no way a man with the most amazing man, such lovely good sex, so hunky and loving, adores me.....you can have this, you don't have to die by a thousand cuts like my friend and for what. A sham.

somethingtosay that's a great analogy for it, death by 1000 cuts. But what do you say? I don't overly care of people opinions, but at the same time, everyone believes we're this 'perfect' couple, constant comments of how we're both so lucky to have found each other, how great we are/look together and the absolute barrage of questions that will hit, how do you deal with that?

Also our internet is restricted, as eldest has limited access on iPad. But he's got WiFi at work anyway, so if it is porn, I'm sure he'd find a way - however, I really don't think it is, I think his libido is just that low.

@Notthemessiah

That's right Sadie, because it's totally impossible for a man not to be interested in sex

He's admitted to masturbation and porn use in past, so clearly is into sex🙄

So there is a bit more detail;

The talks we have tend to result in something I'm doing, then eventually admits it's his problem.
Eg. Last talk was because he wasn't physically attracted to me anymore post childbirth. I haven't put on that much weight, it is something I'm working on though.
This comment really pissed me off. He hasn't wanted to have sex with me for 7 years, 5 of those I was a toned and athletic size 8. I loved exercising, very active hobbies. So the bullshit that it was my (now size 12) body got to me.

I gave up on initiating last year as it made me feel bad and unworthy being constantly rejected. But then he told me it was because I didn't initiate, therefore he didn't know.

Also, he has too many household chores to do. Taking the bin out maybe once a week, and occasionally emptying the dishwasher whilst I bathe two children is hard work I guess.

Sorry, I get a bit angry thinking about those talks, as it hurts being told it's me not doing enough when all I do is work hard jobwise, motherwise, housewise and relationship wise, when I don't feel I have the same effort from him really gets me down.

I just want to feel appreciated. Loved.

Why did he give up porn op? Was it something he decided himself or something you weren't happy with?

sadiesnakes he said he had decided too, after we talked about him refusing any sexual contact with me, then 10mins before bed popping off to the study to wank. So he gave it up, said he really didn't miss it and clearly it was just a habit. He did say last time we spoke that occasionally (once a month) will masturbate in the shower, which I had a problem with as I doubt he'd clean up well and it's a shared bathroom with DCs (NOT envy)

My H has got a very frequent ( multiple times a week) secret porn habit , he still wants sex way wAy more than I do , so porn isn’t always the cause behind zero libido in men. I do sometimes think domesticity And actually seeing ‘too much’ of someone can be a big killer in passion/sex. Not with all obviously but certainly for some.

You don't feel loved, he does not show love, he is probably still using porn, he found you unattractive post baby, he does fuck all around the house, honestly, get out.

I would think he is still using porn and that has totally desensitized him to the whole act of sex. It would not surprise me at all to learn that he has and continues to have huge problems with intimacy.

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from the two of you here?. You want them to think that a loveless marriage which this also is, is going to be their norm too. You cannot and must not use these children here nor your so called beautiful family life as reasons to stay with him. Do you really think too that such an inherently selfish and self centered man could be actually bothered to keep in close contact with his children more than once a week in the long term?.

What beautiful family life do you have exactly; why write that at all when you know its not true?. Your children likely know that something is badly wrong between you and dad and they pick up on all the vibes and signals you both give both spoken and unspoken. You're being disregarded and ignored here by a man who really could not care for your emotional distress.

He sees the housework as women's work and thus your job; its not his job because he sees his own self as too important to do that.

Death by 1000 cuts is a slow death. One day your children will leave home and if things are this bad now, they will go sooner rather than later or at the very least at the first opportunity that arises. Your own relationship with them could well be affected in the long run because they could accuse you of putting him before them. They will look at you and your inherent misery (you really will be a shell of yourself by that time) and wonder of you why you stayed. They certainly will not want to see either of you very often, if you are still together then (which is unlikely).

I feel a bit shell-like now. My miserable relationship makes me miserable in other areas of my life; I'm snappier more of a complainer, I know it can't go on.

My parents had a sexless marriage. I overheard a conversation as a child. I have never seen them hug or kiss, (even a peck) they wouldn't even sit on the same sofa. They're still together, but they're horrid to each other, it actually makes us (siblings) feel very awkward spending any length of time with them together, not so bad separately.

I really don't want that for my kids. But I write 'perfect family life' as it sort-of is, he's a wonderful father, they adore him, we have lovely family days out, spend a lot of time together laughing and being silly. He is my best friend, but that's it. Friends. Without the intimacy, it's not a real relationship.

I don't want to break up our family, it would break him to not see his children every day. And I would feel like a horrible mother telling them "daddy can't live with us anymore."

Bit of a stretch, anyone fixed a sexless marriage...?

Sorry, I see that post contradicts itself, he is my best friend, I love him dearly, we get on wonderfully and he makes me laugh - however, the relationship is miserable as any deeper conversation, any mention of sex, be it on a film we're watching, a rude joke from a friend, we both suddenly have to acknowledge this seething resentment bubbling under the surface of it all, I think he resents me for wanting more, and I for not getting it.

oh OP, I do feel for you. I had a sexless marriage and it completely knackered my self esteem for ages.
I think it doesnt really matter if its too much porn, too much whatever, not enough this. The fact is, he is not interested in meeting your needs here and making you feel like some sort of unreasonable nympho for wanting a sexual relationship with your partner.
There is nothing wrong with having a healthy libido.

My ex eventually left me for someone else after years of me feeling dejected and rejected and he was gaslighting me that it was all in my head and that all relationships were like that, but in actual fact he did me a massive favour.
It wasnt as much of an upheaval nor did it ruin or break anything apart. My son still maintains a good relationship with his dad years later, and I encouraged that relationship while moving on with my life, and whilst I still have many problems in my life, lack of sex, or being shamed for my perfectly normal libido isnt one of them,

It can only be fixed if both people are willing to try though- he doesn't seem to be
I would think lay it out for him, he tackles this with you or you are out- you only get one shot at life. If hes not willing to even try to get to the root of it and see if it can be fixed I don't see what else you can do. I wouldn't be massively hopeful though as most of your relationship has been sexless which doesn't bode well

Would he consider sex / relationship therapy? Something like the organisation relate? It can really help.

He thinks relationship counselling is a waste of money. Guess a divorce is a bit more costly though.