I’m so tired of a sexless marriage

[bittertreats]

NC as I definitely can’t speak to anyone in real life, and I’m even finding it hard to type on the internet.

Backstory; 8 years, 4 married and 2 young kids, (How the hell we’ve managed to procreate, I don’t know.) Our sex life has been dead for 7 years, progressively worse for the last 5. Multiple talks have been had, promises made, no issues ever resolved.

He had his T levels checked, fine. He’s stopped watching porn and masturbating (I’m aware I only have his word for this one) and it’s just gotten worse.

Not just no sex, no cuddles, no kisses no intimacy. He has worked on this a little, which means I’ve stopped flinching with surprise if his hand rests on my back.

It’s become a game for me now, a sad little experiment. Can we make it until my birthday? Easy! Wow, wonder if we could make it to Christmas or even New year? Bonus points if it’s not even mentioned. 

I’m bitter, angry and feeling very lonely. I just look at the decades of sexless marriage in front of me, and I could (and do) cry. But I can’t leave?! How can I throw away a beautiful family life because I’m not getting laid?! That seems utterly selfish and bonkers. Then I think it’s not really the sex though, it’s the disregard of my needs, I am not a priority and nor is our marriage (especially considering all the talks and promises) that lack of respect for me. I don’t really know where to go from here, I’m just sad, lonely and frustrated and wondering if anyone had any experience or advice?

That's the thing now, I'm starting to lose interest in him, the constant rejection and all the reasons given to me, just knowing I'm not desired, leaves me pretty uninspired. I think it will end up at the stage where neither of us will want the other.

I can't imagine an open relationship, I just don't think it would work, or it would completely work in his favour, and that worries me. Him rediscovering his libido, whilst I'm stuck at home with the DC, never able to actually go out and meet anyone. My needs once again left and ignored.

OP

I was in your shoes. No sex on wedding night or honeymoon. he was lacklustre from early on in our relationship. i raised it with him and he assured me he did like me etc etc. My first big mistake was believing him. He also said he would withdraw because he didn't like condoms. result - pregnant 2 years into the relationship. I could kick myself for accepting his nastiness towards me.

i had a sexless marriage for almost 12 years. It very nearly destroyed me. I am still angry towards him for being a spineless git.

I suggested an open marriage as an alternative to separating and he refused point blank. it was his way or the high way. No discussion.

I'm separated 2 years now. Kids have adjusted pretty well. its hard going BUT i dont have to answer to him any more and that is so liberating.

i wont let him destroy me. no way. He wrecked my past. No chance will he get the chance to wreck my future.

my libido is still high but is not being attended to because my self esteem is in tatters. im hoping ill be brave enough in the spring to get back on the horse so to speak.

guard your heart op. in my circumstances the lack of sex was symptomatic of much bigger issues with us. He doesnt do other people's feelings or empathise. He demonstrated a lot of unpleasant characteristics linked to narcissism.

Not saying that is the case with you. I hope it goes some way to explaining my situation.

Take care

We are in the same position. It's all my fault I've never been bothered by it and pushed him away a lot now he is used to it and just isn't bothered I think I'm a mother in his eyes and def not a sex object no idea what will happen as any other relatio ship I would have would go the same way I've love men and miss a kiss but sex makes me feel so weird and definitely not sexy

My ex denied using porn , until i walked in on him wanking to it one day. He also left me for someone else after years of making me feel like i was going mad. Why do they do it? Too cowardly to admit they dont have passion for you so just allow you to waste your prime years instead flogging a dead horse

Don’t degrade yourself or compromise your worth by having an affair just be honest and call it a day, an affair is not a solution at all.

I didn't leave what a mistake that was. It went on and on, it never got any better. I wish I had left.

I had that for 8 years then ended it and filed for divorce after unsuccessful sex counselling.Life is too short for a sexless marriage imo.

No advice OP I’m afraid - I wish I did have something constructive to say! But I’m in the same boat, and it’s so upsetting

I’ve tried to make my peace with the fact we hardly ever have sex - I play the same game you mentioned. But I can’t bring myself to upend our family life over this issue. In every other way, my husband is wonderful. I so wish we could have a sex life. But I’ve tried to accept it and I tell myself I can’t have everything in life.

Sorry I have no suggestions! But you’re not alone. I know how painful it is to feel unwanted and unattractive.

Some good advice here. I second those who say that they wish they’d left sooner and that the whole experience did their self-esteem terrible harm. It’s hard to understand how soul-destroying it is until you’ve experienced it.

I'm sorry you're in this situation OP. I'm guessing you've already considered the option that he might be suffering from depression? That can seriously affect libido. Has he spoken to his GP about his lack of interest in sex? You say you love him and he is your best friend, so it's worth trying all avenues to fix things if you can. If you've done all that, and still nothing is better then I agree with PP, life is too short for a sexless marriage (unless you are both content with it). There's more to sex than just the act of intercourse, it brings a closeness and an intimacy that is really important in a relationship and everyone deserves a chance at that. My DH and I have some of our best and deepest conversations lying in bed after DTD. I don't think we'd have that if we didn't have sex.

OP I don't know what is right or wrong regarding the sex, but as I was reading it just occurred to me that you also say no cuddles, no kisses, no intimacy. I don't understand that. I understand that there may be different expectations regarding sex but surely lack of libido can't excuse lack of kisses and cuddles. Is he affectionate in any way?

I had a completely sexless marriage for 6 years and it was infrequent and unsatisfying before then. When I got pregnant with my second child we weren’t trying for a baby. We tried, the once, and bingo. He must have been so relieved. I always wondered whether he really fancied me. I was reasonably attractive, had a nice figure, and had my fair share of boyfriends, so it was terrible for my (moderate) ego (I’m no Cindy Crawford, but I scrub up well and make the effort. After going round the houses with discussions and pleading and eventually giving up, I found out he’d been seeing other people, and by people I mean men. And it explained everything - absences, being there but not there, feeling like a room mate or sister, but definitely not a wife. We broke up very amicably. We were both relieved, I think, that the charade had come to an end. The kids have adjusted beautifully and my ex and I are now great friends. He sees the kids almost every day and we coparent probably much better than we did when we lived together. It feels like this was the way it was supposed to be. I’ve also met a man who thinks I am Cindy Crawford and can’t keep his hands off me. There’s no chance that yours might be gay? I suspect there are an awful lot of closeted people in sexless or semi sexless marriages.

LellyMcKelly I was thinking the exact same thing. I don't think for one moment this applies to everyone but OP do you think it may? It's worth thinking about. My only other bit of advice is the actual talking about no libidos, how can we spice things up leads to the opposite happening, you end up in bed together, self conscious, is he not very experienced before you?
In my relationship we had droughts but the cuddles, snuggling up on the couch, me just touching his face(it was me that went of sex) my partner being able to keep intamicy led me back into wanting sex, I think if that intamicy has gone and you are just great parents, good friends , just that you are not lovers, not special to each other.

Op I don't mean this horribly but are you a bit uptight about sex? You don't want him wanking in the shower etc.

Porn is not ideal not but you've banned everything and he's given up entirely now.

Do you just want sex for you or will you do things for him? Or you both sort your self out together?

Would he give you a massage and then you do your own happy ending etc? Do you get the intimacy without making him do it to start with.

Personally I do think tiredness affects sex drive and how you treat each other. You sound like you have a good relationship. So maybe try to bin the resentment and start again as if you are just getting to know each other sexually.

I feel your pain OP. I've had this issue for all our 40 years of marriage but it was worse when our children were young. Do you have a chance of going out together just enjoying each other's company? As babycow says, talking about it can make it worse by making you both self conscious. I'd advise trying to relax, have a few drinks, show you fancy him, just instigate the sex!
I totally understand how you're feeling, I went through years of resentment because of a lack of sex and had my head turned by an admirer (I won't go there) but I've learned over the years to relax and make the most of the opportunities if and when they arise. You're not getting anywhere by testing how long you'll go without sex. I used to resent the fact that I had to be the one to instigate sex but then realised I'd wait a bloody long time if I didn't! Really hope it all works out for you

these sort of tips like the last two would have just made me feel worse.
Its quite clear from everything that OP has written that she has tried everything and "relaxing with a drink and letting him know that she is interested" is likely to be one of the first things tried. Shes done all that and been constantly rejected.

That might well be the case but the OP has talked about banning porn, wanking and testosterone testing. I can understand the anger (I felt the same way) but over the years I've found other types of intimacy often leads to sex eventually.

If I'm totally off the mark then I apologise to the OP, I am not in no way belittling her efforts but just passing on what worked for me when the DC were younger.

i dont think anyone has got the right to just ban another person from doing anything thats legal, but I do think its perfectly reasonable to say to a guy that claims that he just doesnt have a sex drive anymore, "how come youre wanking off to porn regularly then" and to say that if thats what you prefer, then theres no relationship here

This was me. In the end I'd lost all interest in him anyway. I left. It was the best decision I ever made. Don't get me wrong it came at a huge cost, shared custody of the kids 50/50 but it was worth it. I felt like I was living a half existence. And in the end life's too short. I didn't want to be 80 and have lived a life without affection, intimacy or sex. I'm with someone else now and it's shown me I was missing out on even more than I thought.

This is me. 8 years of no sex and more recently no intimacy. It’s chipped away at my self confidence too. I’ve started to think about leaving as I can’t see it getting better. We promised 4.5 years ago to go to counselling. I went to my sessions, he didn’t go to his. It’s always me who suggests anything/raises anything/initiates anything and I think it’s killed off my feelings.
I’m hanging on in there until Christmas for the sake of the children but I think that will be it. Life’s too short to be miserable.

Saree you sure he's not gay, OP? My dsd was married for 16 years, 2 DC, but eventually he had a breakdown and admitted it. They're both much happier apart and she's got a new dp now.

This isn’t just about a lack of sex, it’s about a lack of affection, love, and respect for the relationship. If he loved you he would acknowledge the damage this situation is doing and would attempt counselling, see a Dr, or at least tell you the truth about why he doesn’t want sex. He owes the relationship that much at least.
No wonder it’s getting you down. My friend has been in a 10 year marriage which is pretty much the same, she will leave him one day, she’s just biding her time.

To answer a few points raised:

He's not gay, we've had a long talk about this where I reassured him I'd just rather know and we can work out the next steps, he laughed and said he was definitely not (I've also seen the porn he's into) doesn't have any homophobia in his family (has an uncle who came out and separated from his aunt, 3 kids, everyone's amicable)

I'm not uptight about sex at all, I'm very open and had no issue with porn in the past, just if it had potentially replaced our sex life, I was not going to be happy with that. The walk-in in the shower was purely a hygiene issue - knowing my husband!

He is 'extremely experienced' as am I. We've both been in long term relationships before, as well as 'short term'! Neither of us have any issues with the past, and I'm glad he was able to enjoy his youth!

Relaxing with a drink doesn't work. Dressing up sexy doesn't work. I have really really tried, we were at a wedding the other weekend minus kids, hotel booked, drinks flowing, even slow danced together(!!!!) I REALLY made an effort to look nice, taxi back to the hotel and he lay on the bed with headphones in watching Netflix. Stripped to my (very nice) undies, lay next to him, tried stroking his back, I get batted away with a frown, "not now, get ready for bed."

He makes no effort to try, and it hurts.

Sorry, to add, at the beginning of the problem we tried a few things, mutual masturbation, watching porn together, a variety of toys, role play (utter disaster and I felt even worse trying that) scheduled sex.

There was a challenge? I can't quite remember but you were supposed to have sex everyday for a period of time, I think we managed 2 days of actual 'duty' sex, then 3 days of blowjobs with nothing in return, and that ended.

I have done a lot of 'seeing to him' to try and get him to engage more, but I end up sad that there's nothing in return - even being blunt and just asking would be met with excuses.

Okay OP, you really seem to have tried everything, most of what you have tried does work normally, sexy undies, nights in a hotel, stopping initiating, starting initiating.
Do you think this maybe now about control. The person who refuses sex in a relationship is in control, they make their oh feel shite, unnatractive, it's a very good way to control emotional life. whilst you are running around trying to get intamicy he's looking at you going " she is so desperate for me, I'm getting all this attention, I must be great'
So he will keep on doing this as long as you carry on wanting sex, it's no way to live.
Stop right now asking him for sex, disengage, and get yourself out of this relationship.