I’m so tired of a sexless marriage

[bittertreats]

NC as I definitely can’t speak to anyone in real life, and I’m even finding it hard to type on the internet.

Backstory; 8 years, 4 married and 2 young kids, (How the hell we’ve managed to procreate, I don’t know.) Our sex life has been dead for 7 years, progressively worse for the last 5. Multiple talks have been had, promises made, no issues ever resolved.

He had his T levels checked, fine. He’s stopped watching porn and masturbating (I’m aware I only have his word for this one) and it’s just gotten worse.

Not just no sex, no cuddles, no kisses no intimacy. He has worked on this a little, which means I’ve stopped flinching with surprise if his hand rests on my back.

It’s become a game for me now, a sad little experiment. Can we make it until my birthday? Easy! Wow, wonder if we could make it to Christmas or even New year? Bonus points if it’s not even mentioned. 

I’m bitter, angry and feeling very lonely. I just look at the decades of sexless marriage in front of me, and I could (and do) cry. But I can’t leave?! How can I throw away a beautiful family life because I’m not getting laid?! That seems utterly selfish and bonkers. Then I think it’s not really the sex though, it’s the disregard of my needs, I am not a priority and nor is our marriage (especially considering all the talks and promises) that lack of respect for me. I don’t really know where to go from here, I’m just sad, lonely and frustrated and wondering if anyone had any experience or advice?

I must start by saying that I am no sex therapist. This is just a suggestion for you to consider.
The longer sex doesn’t happen, the more difficult it will become. A guy likes to feel masculine and desired, but not sort of forced. As soon as he feels pressured, his performance is likely to suffer. Whether you tell him or not, he will sense your displeasure. Maybe he does the lien because he feels safe and unjudged. I’m not suggestion you give him a score out of ten openly but a guys performance really matters to him. More it becomes an issue, bigger the issue becomes.

My advice - write him a loving letter with only warm, positive things. In the letter, invite him to join you on a set night, set time in the bedroom but highlight it’s not for sex, it’s only for a cuddle. Set the rule that you both cannot have sex no matter what. The pressure will then be off you both. Earlier I said invite him, but offer him the option not to come and join you also. Make it easy for him to bail out if he feels funny.
The chances are, with no pressure to perform, he will be joining you. You’ll know he’s chosen to be with you as he had an easy way out. When he joins you, stick to the rules. No sex as such only touching, holding, caressing at the most when the time feels right. At the least just cuddle up and watch tv, but feel close. If the touching happens and feels good, you’ll both go to bed feeling very frustrated but you’ll be desperate to do the same the following night. Get to know each other’s bodies and be sure to gently praise him when it feels good for you.
Many couples have plenty of sex but can feel underwhelmed. Alot men think women only have one hole down there and that we pee out of our cervix. They can be confused as to which bits are important but feel intimidated that they don’t know, so don’t ask.
You could pop in the letter a fun reply slip for him to leave in an agreed place to make it easy for him and fun.
I hope this helps, good luck xxx

It really shouldn’t be so difficult.
It’s not you.
Withdraw and plan?

The issue here isn't that you don’t have sex. It’s that you don’t have a relationship. It’s the no intimacy and no cuddling.
You can be in a sexless relationship and still be intimate, still have cuddles and generally still feel you’re an ‘item’ iyswim.

If you do decide to leave, it will not be because there is no sex, it will be because your relationship has died.

Seeing how long it has gone, that you’ve talked about it etc etc, I’m not sure there is any point tryinh to mend things again. And esp if it’s YOU trying to sort things out when it’s HIM who has an issue (whatever that is btw).
Trying is likely to make you feel even more shit again. Hopes that are squashed. Efforts that feel like they’ve gone to waste.

I would encourage yu to look at the whole of the relationship and decide if between the good and the bad, it’s a relationship worth staying in. In particular, what about Your MH and your self esteem??

Ozzie can I ask, why is it that the issue is clearly the man, the OP’s DH, but somehow it’s up to eh OP to make all the effort, to make him feel wanted etc etc?
What about HIM making an effort so that SHE feels wanted? Feeling wanted isnt just about sex. It’s the intimacy, the little gestures, the hand on her back etc etc. Why is it that it’s not ok to ask him to do all that? But somehow it’s ok tomask her to do all the legwork?

MyBrexitIsIll I didn’t say it was up to the op. It was the OP asking for advice, not her dh. She asked what to do and I made a suggestion.
Also, my suggestion was to Not make it about sex, to take the pressure off on both sides, to focus on intamacy not the sex.
Finally, the suggestion of him being able to opt out, in the event of him not, shows commitment from him and he making a mutual effort.
Op has already been asking him to make the effort. I can’t ask him to as I have no idea who he is, and he’s not here asking for help!
I think you may be confused as I also never said the issue was the man. You’ve contradicted yourself by claiming I have yet also asking op to take all responsibility.??

Clearly there is a deeper reason behind all of this. Either he doesn’t want sex at all or he doesn’t want sex with you.
Has he ever answered those two questions.
Because the outcome will be seriously different depending on the answer.

He sounds selfish. You've tried so much and have been so patient.

NC as I can identify with this from your DH’s side. I’m sorry to be blunt, but it sounds like he just doesn’t fancy you. If you don’t fancy someone it doesn’t matter what they do, it won’t make any difference, you still won’t fancy them. He may have done when you got together but sometimes it just fades and once it does it can be impossible to get that feeling back.

I’m in a similar situation with my DH except I’m the one who doesn’t want sex. I will make every excuse in the book to get out of it but in the past we still dtd once or twice a fortnight as I felt that I had to. The trouble is, the more you have sex ‘under duress’ the less you feel like having it so the problem grows and grows.

I stopped cuddling and kissing DH, not because I wanted no intimacy but because it would make him want to have sex. Maybe your DH is the same and avoids it for the same reason.

If I’m brutally honest, my relationship was always more of a friendship based one and I never wanted to rip his clothes off, but everything else was so great that I forged ahead anyway. In hindsight, maybe I shouldn’t have done.

I think I’ve got a low libido, which doesn’t help, and I could honestly go months without sex and it wouldn’t bother me. My marriage has now broken down and we are separating.

I expect your DH does love you and your life together but it’s more love as a friend than a lover. You need to think about whether that’s good enough for you as I don’t think the situation will change. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that an a marriage with no affection is the norm?