I’m so tired of a sexless marriage

[bittertreats]

NC as I definitely can’t speak to anyone in real life, and I’m even finding it hard to type on the internet.

Backstory; 8 years, 4 married and 2 young kids, (How the hell we’ve managed to procreate, I don’t know.) Our sex life has been dead for 7 years, progressively worse for the last 5. Multiple talks have been had, promises made, no issues ever resolved.

He had his T levels checked, fine. He’s stopped watching porn and masturbating (I’m aware I only have his word for this one) and it’s just gotten worse.

Not just no sex, no cuddles, no kisses no intimacy. He has worked on this a little, which means I’ve stopped flinching with surprise if his hand rests on my back.

It’s become a game for me now, a sad little experiment. Can we make it until my birthday? Easy! Wow, wonder if we could make it to Christmas or even New year? Bonus points if it’s not even mentioned. 

I’m bitter, angry and feeling very lonely. I just look at the decades of sexless marriage in front of me, and I could (and do) cry. But I can’t leave?! How can I throw away a beautiful family life because I’m not getting laid?! That seems utterly selfish and bonkers. Then I think it’s not really the sex though, it’s the disregard of my needs, I am not a priority and nor is our marriage (especially considering all the talks and promises) that lack of respect for me. I don’t really know where to go from here, I’m just sad, lonely and frustrated and wondering if anyone had any experience or advice?

tbf, i think it sounds like youve done everything. Youve
Spoken to him about it
got him to have testosterone tested
hes given up wanking
given up porn
tried not mentioned it
stopped the pressure
tried initiating it
stopped initiating it
suggested counselling

You can take a horse to water OP, but you cant make it drink.
Im not sure what else you think there is to try. No counsellor is going to make him start being interested in sex, and hes perfectly aware that youre not happy with the situation.

From the other side, I'm your DH in my relationship - I simply have absolutely no libido anymore, I have a lot on my plate and my mind, I have 2dc also and that's about all I can manage. I can barely stand a touch... I don't know if there's anything that can be done. I feel for you and also do wonder if you'd be happier long-term out of it, though I do understand it's not an easy decision.

Do not let this charade continue; should you and he be together any more?.

Many women in crap relationships write similarly as to what you have re the good dad or the kids adore him type comments. Its often written when they themselves cannot write anything positive about their man. Your family unit is already broken because of his inherent selfishness, porn usage and lack of intimacy between he and you. You cannot keep papering over the cracks as you have done, it has not worked. Your parents did that and look where that got them. They still hate each other and used their children as a reason to stay together. Do not make the mistakes they made with your children.

What did your parents teach you about relationships?. Your parents taught you to tacitly accept a loveless marriage; you cannot and must not teach that same damaging lesson to your children. Would you want this type of relationship that you now describe for them?. No you do not. You've already stated as much too.

He's admitted to masturbation and porn use in past, so clearly is into sex

Or was, at least a bit, in the past - people's attitudes and sex drives do change over time. It's a popular choice to blame any sexual problems on porn here. Doesn't want sex - porn, wants too much sex - porn, takes ages or can't climax - porn, etc. etc.

OP has posted that he's fairly up front about it and she doesn't seem fazed by his past porn use, so seems far more likely that he just isn't that bothered - either about sex or about the OP.

Does he even show he loves or cares about you in any way OP? Doesn't sound like it from what you've written so far at least.

I also wonder how you got from one year to marriage/DC etc without this being a big issue before now?

mikado1 it's always been an issue, always talked about, things get better for a month or so, back to square one. We had a very different, busy stressful life before children, so it was often swept away with that, or we both ignored the issue, I thought, "when we've finished this part of our lives it will improve" then I (naively) thought marriage would fix it, (didn't even have sex on our wedding night)

The DC we're both happy surprises, I laughed when the midwife said I couldn't be that certain of my dates - yep, I could actually, only time in the previous 5 months.

After taking the pregnancy test with my first, I cried, I wasn't even going to get the duty sex whilst trying to get pregnant. I know that sounds ridiculous, but this has been going on so long now, it's so hard to have no intimacy. I'm a very tactile person, I need it.

There is nothing wrong or shameful about wanting love, intimacy and sex in your love relationship. Its one of the main points. That special thing that you only do with each other. You take that away and its a friendship. Sometimes its not even that anymore.

Would he consider an open relationship?

I think he cares. He often gets very upset when we talk about it. After getting defensive, finding reasons that it's my problem, he breaks down, says he knows it's his, how sorry he is, how he will try, keep communication open.

But then equally, he does nothing about it (apart from get his testosterone checked after years of asking) brings it back to being a family with young kids, everyone goes through patches like this - only it's not a f£&king patch, it's the majority of our lives together.

3 months after youngest was born, I told him I wouldn't live the rest of my life this, I would leave, we either worked on us or that was it. He really started trying for a bit then. But I clearly bluffed, I haven't left, still in this position. I like to think deep down he does want to try, but it's just easier not to, especially when he hasn't really got anything to lose, as I demonstrated, I haven't left.

Some people are just not into sex, I know I’m not & I probably shouldn’t have got married. I have zero interest in sex & it is difficult to admit that when our society is so sexualised. I know my DH finds it very difficult (I keep hoping he will lose interest as he gets older, but he doesn’t ). I don’t know what the answer is, just a shame that those of us with zero libido seem to be with partners who would enjoy an active sex life .

Branleuse I don't think he would, I use to post a lot on the dead bedrooms sub on reddit, where this was suggested a lot. I don't think I even want that, honestly, if I left, I don't think I'd be seeking out a partner - I think it's more stressful having one that doesn't want the intimacy, and that I'd have some sort of 'weight off my shoulders' not having that, IYSWIM? I just want the man who I married and had children with to love me and feel attracted to me and give me that basic attention. I think if I went outside the marriage, that would be the end.

ragwort was it always like this for you? Even at the beginning of your relationship?

So he's always had this issue then really and hindsight is great/a total pain, but it sounds like you weren't compatible from early on. My libido disappeared year 3 and I did 'try' but really I can't magic it up and doing it through gritted teeth is no good for anyone. I think it's great you can still talk and laugh and get on. I think before you finish it, you should decide what it is you want him to do. No it's not your responsibility but it will help it be measurable to you as far as doing all you can, and for him to actually act on the problem. In my case intimacy in all its forms Inc talking/laughing seems to have gone with my libido.

Hi OP

If you are still willing to try, the next time you discuss this and he gets to the point where he admits the issue needing him to change then pin him down to some concrete, meaningful changes with a time limit, don't be fobbed off by nice words and no commitment.

I had to check that I hadn't written this post myself. So many similarities. We did have sex on our wedding night though. I guess even then I knew he was ticking a box but I was just so relieved that the box was being ticked too (not a euphemism).
I have now left. This was not the biggest problem actually, believe it or not. Ours was money- related. I had made my peace as much as I could with the lack of sexual desire my ex seemed to feel for me but now I can see how much it chipped chipped chipped away at my self esteem. I do sometimes feel that (I'm on my own now and have no desire yet to find a new partner) some of that damage is possibly irreparable. Time I can't get back. I was with him aged 26-38, in decent shape throughout, complimented on my style by others and took pride in my appearance etc. But he didn't seem to see anything SEXY about me whatsoever. Actually, thinking about that I feel quite angry - with him and with myself?
Discussions about sex were batted off by him. He didn't want to know and yes, made me feel like a nymphomaniac to shutthe conversation down. Actually many discussions/ conversations about big issues in our relationship/ life together that mattered to me were shut down. So that was part of a bigger picture I guess.
He didn't want to change. Maybe he couldn't change. Anyway, he counted on the fact that I loved him (and actually I believe he loved me) and didn't want a "broken family" for too long. What you said about bluffing resonated with me. I shocked myself as well as him the day I said to myself, "This is wrong".
I wonder how many people are in a similar position. Many I suspect. The point is many of them will put up with it and others won't. Only you can decide if you will put up with it or not.
I don't have all the answers. Separating is hard but common. I feel so much sadness in your posts. I'm sorry you're going through this too. I don't see how this will ever improve, sorry. But there is life on the other side if you decide you don't want this for the rest of your life.

Ragwort, I could have written your post, I was fine I guess for first 4 years or so and before our son was born, after that it’s been downhill, in all fairness I am ok with blowjobs or helping them sort themselves out once a week or so, I’m just not keen on more, am now post menopause and really am not bothered. It does cause issues

Sorry OP, wish I had some advice. I can't believe there are so many of us in the same boat; constant rejection is soul destroying.

I over think any possible touch, and by that I mean non sexual. In the old days, would always hold hands, cuddle on sofa etc. Now, no physical affection let alone sexual contact. Particularly galling because we were rampant for first few years together.

Hi OP, with the greatest of respect, he might not be in to you? Absolutely nothing wrong with you whatsoever but maybe you two don't click physically? I came to this realisation in my long marriage, me always making the effort. When I stopped making the effort to see if he would step up, he didn't. He then embarked on an affair. If I were you I'd bail. You cannot go on like this it'll affect you. Awful situation, I'm shuddering thinking about it 🙁

Food for thought. With such a long term battle for intimacy, for him then to potentially have an affair. It would crush me completely, my self esteem is already pretty low.

I could have written your OP last year. Husband used to use porn, doesn't anymore, but no sex life.

It was dreadful. I knew it was making me unhappy but not how much. Had counselling, talking, tears. And nothing helped.

In the end, despite him being my best friend and a wonderful father to my DD, I filed for divorce. He is moving out next month.

Husband now admits that he doesn't feel sexually attracted to me any more. And his lack of interest in me killed my desire for him too.

I have now met someone else who fancies the pants off me, and it is wonderful. I realised that it wasn't only the lack.of sex that was an issue, but the lack of intimacy too. That was dreadful and the most upsetting thing.

For the previous poster who asked what example people such as I are setting our children: fuck off!

My daughter deserves to have a mum and dad that love each other as best friends, not in a state of tension as spouses. She also deserves to see what a healthy, romantic adult relationship looks like. The affection, the kisses and cuddles, and the general warmth of an intimate relationship.

OP only you can decide what to do, but there is life abd happiness on the other side.

Well said Tetley.

What Tetley said. There absolutely is life on the other side and you deserve to be wanted.

If the issue genuinely is that he has no libido, he may not be able to change or compromise. I’ve suffered from a completely absent libido for years due to medication and illness which has messed up my hormones beyond belief. There is no compromise I can make, unless I were to force myself to do it against my will, which would be really traumatic for me.

If he’s still masturbating, even once a month, he still has some sex drive - I haven’t masturbated in years, the thought makes me feel ill.

I don’t think a completely absent sex drive is the issue here. The problem is that he’s unwilling to discuss what the issue actually is.

Thanks @Adora10 and @BackInTheRoom.

Leaving 15 years of marriage is hard. But not as hard as living with 15 more years of it.

My ex said he’d stopped using porn but he was lying. It turned out he had a huge sex drive, just not with me. He was totally addicted to porn.

I’m with you OP, married 10+ years, 2 young DC and no sex in 3 years. When I think back, it was always me who instigated it and he was always a bit immature when we did it, always wanted direction and did the same thing each time. I have a high sex drive and he is not “made that way”. He occasionally gives me a peck on the mouth like a small bird. We are doing a great job of co-parenting our children but I don’t really fancy him any more. I no longer suggest sex, I don’t want to see his ‘obliged’ face and I don’t want duty/pity sex.

I suggested an open marriage, he was surprised but didn’t say yes or no. I’m tempted to have an affair.