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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Am I being unreasonable??

101 replies

Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 09:11

Me and my husband have been having problems for a while, but it’s really started to effect me now. 6 months ago my dad died which I think has made everything feel worse and I’m not sure if I am expecting too much from him. He works full time and I work part time and have a 2 years old daughter. I do everything at home, absolutely everything, last week I had my head down a blocked drain! He doesn’t pick anything up behind him, close a cupboard, flush the chain.... does nothing, I do all the finance, cleaning, cooking .....On a Monday he looks after DD when I work and then I have to come home and clean up the bomb site he has left, doesn’t attempt anything it’s just all left out. My daughter never has her hair brushed is covered in food, the dog is never fed or had any water. The lunch plates are spread everywhere, the nappy bag is spread everywhere, towels on the floor. I’m getting so sick and tired of having to do everything, it’s feels really disrespectful. I don’t want him to clean the house just to tidy behind himself. I asked for a divorce after my dad died because it was all getting too much and he was really sad and I gave in and he said he would try but nothing has changed. Am I asking for too much? Am I right to be hurt by his lack of help? His excuse is that he earns more than me so it’s my responsibility!! It’s really getting me down.

OP posts:
BackToTheFuschia7 · 30/10/2018 09:17

His excuse is that he earns more than me so it’s my responsibility!!

Pig. Yanbu. Think how much extra time you could have without having to clean up after this man child. Time I’d sure you’d prefer to spend either on yourself or with your DD.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 · 30/10/2018 09:17

Bloody hell OP - he doesn't even flush the toilet!! YANBU - he sounds worse than a child. He needs to help or pay for a cleaner - what he us saying and doing shows a total lack of respect for you. Think also what you are showing your DD - how would you feel if she ended up in a similar situation? It needs to change now.

RestingBitchFaced · 30/10/2018 09:19

YANBU at all, he's a lazy bastard. Of course he should clean up after himself, your not his slave! Has he always been like this?

hellsbellsmelons · 30/10/2018 09:20

it’s feels really disrespectful
That's because it IS really disrespectful.
Please don't put up with this.
You are the little woman and in his eyes, it's your job.
Well it's not!
Sorry but I'd be divorcing him as well.
He hasn't even tried.
What does separation look like?
Please look into it.
I think you'll find you are far happier away from this sexist, misogynistic prick!
It's starting to affect you and will only get worse.
Time to cut your losses and put yourself and DD first for a change.
He's a horrendous role model for your DD.

ShatnersWig · 30/10/2018 09:22

How can anyone, in this day and age, on MN, talk about such appalling disrespectful behaviour and then ask "Am I asking for too much? Am I right to be hurt by his lack of help?"

OP you KNOW this isn't normal, right, fair, respectful or what a loving partner or husband behaves like. For some reason, you've become accustomed to it. He will never change, you will foolish to give in when he was "really sad" (for which read "manipulative").

Seriously, leave and leave now.

7yo7yo · 30/10/2018 09:26

Leave. Stupid shit he is.

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 09:26

Thanks for replying. I’m really struggling at the moment with the loss of my dad, I’m 35 and my dad was everything. He was always over helping me and now I’m trying to do things myself and failing. Yesterday I got in from work looked at the mess and just walked back out. When I left it was tidy and I asked him so nicely just to try and keep it looking ok and he said yeah yeah iff it stops you from nagging. I can’t get him to understand that it hurts me.

OP posts:
mogratpineapple · 30/10/2018 09:33

If he earns more than you tell him to hire a cleaner, cook and personal assistant. Not sure anyone else would take on all of those tasks though.

Seriously, he needs a taste of reality.

eggncress · 30/10/2018 09:37

He’s a lazy, entitled shit.
He won’t want a divorce because he’ll have to do his own cleaning and you’ll get a good portion of what he thinks is ‘his’( house, pensions, savings etc)
He’ll also have to pay you maintenance.
Get some legal advice, get copies of documents then tell him he’s had his chance and failed and you’re now getting rid.
He doesn’t have to agree. If you’re not happy that’s reason enough for a divorce. His appalling behaviour has pushed you to this.

Don’t believe him if he says he’ll change

And remember, by working part time you are facilitating his career. This means that any work you do in the house and all the childcare you do is just as valuable as his job.

I doubt he’ll listen though.

RoboticMary · 30/10/2018 09:41

God almighty.

Unbelievable behaviour from a grown man. Unbelievable. I’m appalled that he expects you to clean up after him like that. No self-respecting adult would behave in such a way. It’s so disrespectful and unkind to cause mess and dirt and expect someone else to clean up after you - that’s what children do.

I’m a SAHM - my husband earns all the money that comes into this household, but he’d never dream of acting like this. Why? Because he’s an adult who takes responsibility for himself instead of dumping it on me. He doesn’t want to make my life more difficult. He respects my time, and the effort I put into keeping a nice home. Does your husband really think his financial contribution entitles him to a general dogsbody? Because it doesn’t. He needs to grow up.

Thebluedog · 30/10/2018 09:43

Oh OP you sound so sad Flowers so sorry to hear about your Dad. I’ve got that type of relationship with my df and I can’t bear to think of life without him.

As for your ‘d’h, I’m afraid he’s an entitled, selfish, lazy, disrespectful shit bag! If you want things to change you have to accept that they might not. I’d sit him down, tell him exactly what you want from him. If he doesn’t change then he needs to leave. You’ve already got enough on your hands with a job, a dc and the loss of your father, you don’t need another, large toddler to look after.

KhaleesiTheDeadWalker · 30/10/2018 09:44

Fuck that. I'd divorce him too, can't believe he can't even flush the toilet! That's unbelievable!

Think how much better off you'd be if you didn't have to pick up after this lazy bastard...

Problem is, you're his unpaid slave and he doesn't think you'll leave him so he can act exactly how he wants and treat you with disrespect. Get copies of all the paperwork you need then serve him divorce papers, he'll know you're serious then.

OhTheRoses · 30/10/2018 09:46

OP, m DH did nothing in the house when the DC were small (or now). He wouldn't even have done a day of childcare a week. From the very beginning he said he wouldn't be cleaning and cooking, etc. (he does do the bins and the garden). Pre DC I earnt slightly more than him and during the 7 years I gave up work his earnings grew exponentially so that by the time I returned my earnings were less than a tenth of his.

But and this is the big but. From the very beginning he always paid for a cleaner, initially for his half and as the children took over for everything. Cleaner, spring clean, window cleaners, oven cleaner, gardener, etc.

He never ever pissed me off or made me feel unhappy and believe me I did everything, parents' evenings, school visits, important doctor's visits, etc.

RoboticMary · 30/10/2018 09:47

And FlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowersFlowers for you, because I know how much you miss your dad. My dad was the same, always over to help me- no problem too big or too small. But I think that maybe be highlighting your DH’s deficiencies. The best thing he could do for you is to step up and take some responsibility for himself, not make this time ever harder for you.

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 10:15

Loosing my dad has made me realise how little he does for me and the house. My dad always helped me with the gardening and now that’s all my job. My mum agreed to continue looking after my daughter for the other 2 days I’m at work even tho she has M.S and she gets the bins ready for me on the fri I’m working even tho I protest. I have to look after my mums finances now, I will do anything for my mum. I feel so overwhelmed, these were never my parents jobs but they always felt sorry for me. And now my OH is self employed I have to do all the finances for that also. I say have to but it’s just my job.

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 30/10/2018 10:33

His excuse is that he earns more than me so it’s my responsibility!!

So what is he saying he's paying for you to be his servant or? That comment alone would make me ask for a divorce. Don't waste your whole life being disrespected in that way and don't bring your daughter up thinking that her role as a woman is to wait on a man

AttilaTheMeerkat · 30/10/2018 10:35

Your so called husband sees all of the housework as your job and regards that as unimportant. Indeed no self respecting adult would ever behave as your H does.

What do you want to teach your DD about relationships and what is she learning here? You cannot afford to teach your child such damaging lessons on relationships, would you want her to have a relationship like this?. What are you getting out of this?.

babygoose48 · 30/10/2018 10:46

YANBU. Show him this post.

HazelBite · 30/10/2018 10:46

What was your DH's upbringing like that he thinks this sort of behaviour is okay?
Op you have given him a chance, make sure its a last chance!

eggncress · 30/10/2018 11:27

When I did the Freedom Programme I was shocked to learn that there is a body of men out there who consider women to be only fit for ‘cooking, fucking and cleaning’ or CFC’s.
It sounds like you’re married to one of them OP.

Please get rid for your child’s sake ( and yours) or she will grow up thinking this is normal. Consequently will end up with a similar, abusive excuse for a man herself as she won’t know anything different.

Can you call Women’s Aid ?( they were great for me).
You can email your local group or phone them ( rather than the national helpline number)
They will be able to offer you support and advice.

eggncress · 30/10/2018 11:35

And stop cleaning his mess. The place will end up a tip. Tell him he can get a cleaner to do the work and go have a nice day out with dd. Better still can you go to your mums for a few days ?When he comes home from work let him come back to the mess he created !

Adora10 · 30/10/2018 14:15

it’s feels really disrespectful.

Because it is, he's a disgusting pig who actually expects you to do everything for him; even leaving a fucken mess for you to come home to when you ask him nicely to keep the place as you left it, I don't know how you stand it, I couldn't live with anyone with this level of rottenness, he's a selfish dirty git, get rid, you can do a zillion times better, just think you can have a clean house and no surprises in your toilet! Giving me the boak actually. Wake up, get rid, he's never going to change! Let him be a parent and you live with your child in a nice clean tidy home, you deserve that.

Original poster
Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 17:25

I’m so tired of asking now for some help and being let down. It’s just so sad to break up our family over this. I guess I accept my life like this or end it as I know he can’t change.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/10/2018 17:29

Try a trial separation OP, maybe once he reaches rock bottom he might realise he needs to act like an adult and show a bit respect; I think what you are putting up with is ridiculous.

GladysKnight · 30/10/2018 17:35

As people - rightly - say so often on these boards, he is breaking up the family. By not being a proper member of the family, he has made it unworkable for 1/3 of the members (ie you) , ie he has broken it.

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