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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Am I being unreasonable??

101 replies

Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 09:11

Me and my husband have been having problems for a while, but it’s really started to effect me now. 6 months ago my dad died which I think has made everything feel worse and I’m not sure if I am expecting too much from him. He works full time and I work part time and have a 2 years old daughter. I do everything at home, absolutely everything, last week I had my head down a blocked drain! He doesn’t pick anything up behind him, close a cupboard, flush the chain.... does nothing, I do all the finance, cleaning, cooking .....On a Monday he looks after DD when I work and then I have to come home and clean up the bomb site he has left, doesn’t attempt anything it’s just all left out. My daughter never has her hair brushed is covered in food, the dog is never fed or had any water. The lunch plates are spread everywhere, the nappy bag is spread everywhere, towels on the floor. I’m getting so sick and tired of having to do everything, it’s feels really disrespectful. I don’t want him to clean the house just to tidy behind himself. I asked for a divorce after my dad died because it was all getting too much and he was really sad and I gave in and he said he would try but nothing has changed. Am I asking for too much? Am I right to be hurt by his lack of help? His excuse is that he earns more than me so it’s my responsibility!! It’s really getting me down.

OP posts:
Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 17:39

I have tried not doing anything for him for 2 months, barely talking, he got upset and said he needs his family. I applied for a divorce and told him I wanted to separate because he has also been agressive but have not followed through as I gave in for my daughters sake, she loves him and visa versa. I think because he works more and pays for the big things that he doesn’t think my time is important.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 30/10/2018 17:43

It gets worse, aggressive is not on!

He can still love his daughter and vice versa OP, you are not going to stand in the way of that.

I am sorry but I honestly think he is using you for an easy life, you do it all, he sits back and then when you complain he shouts he earns more; he sounds bloody awful and not a great role model for your children at all!!

Wilma55 · 30/10/2018 17:52

Can you move in with your mum temporarily?

Sarah2302 · 30/10/2018 17:56

Yes there are lots of things which have happened, I wrote a lot about it on here when I was asking for help to word the unreasonable behaviour. He is messing with my head. I have tried 2 different antidepressants since my dad died , but they do not change that I am not happy in my home do don’t work. I just don’t understand his behaviour and why he can’t see what it is doing especially when he says how much he loves his family and we are all he has.

OP posts:
DadJoke · 30/10/2018 18:02

I don't think there is much hope. At the very least he should clean up after himself and your DD. And I think it's fair enough for him to clean the house on that day, too.

Give him a very specific ultimatum, which might possibly knock him out of his complacency, and seek legal advice on the financial side. If he's not capable of caring for your child, then you should consider custody options carefully. Tell him if he can't clean up after himself, why should you give him unfettered access to your DD?

squiglet111 · 30/10/2018 18:10

Ugh.... Ltb! Move in with your mum.... Just go go go! Leave him to wallow in his own pig sty.

eggncress · 30/10/2018 18:23

He can see his dd after you’ve divorced him only he’ll have to parent responsibly and there will be nobody but him to clean up his own mess.
Stop asking him nicely and just tell him you will no longer clean his mess . If he still tries it on serve him divorce papers.

No one is disputing dd loves him and vice versa. That can continue without you being subjected to his abuse.

eggncress · 30/10/2018 18:24

He is splitting the family with his appalling behaviour.
He’s broken his marriage vows by not treating you with respect.

Sarah2302 · 31/10/2018 10:07

Thanks for all your replies, just had a read through and it’s nice to know I’m not asking too much. Every time I bring it up to him he is always telling me how his clients at work do everything for there husbands and they have better jobs than mine and look after multiple kids. In my other ear I have my parents telling me that it’s not right and I never know who is right.

OP posts:
OhTheRoses · 31/10/2018 10:44

He's abusing you.

Sarah2302 · 31/10/2018 13:27

He has just sent me a msg telling me to just go ahead with the divorce because he can’t live like this anymore. We have no intimacy anymore, I just don’t see him as a man, I feel like he is my second child. He blames the lack of intimacy as the reason he doesn’t help me, vicious circle!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 13:50

He's a cock.
It's good you've got the go ahead for the divorce.
Call a couple of family solicitors in your area.
See if any offer a free half hour.
See a few of them if you can.
Then go with the one you are most comfortable with.
Book at least one appointment now and let him know when it is.
He will start to back-track.
He is now expecting you to panic and back-track.
Don't do that. Forge forward and find that happy peaceful life you so deserve.
You'll find your mental health will improve once he is out of your life.
And his bullshit about lack of intimacy is just that!
If he was any kind of man then he would help no matter what.
And it's not fucking HELP. It's being respectful. Picking up after yourself and doing your FAIR SHARE!!!!

ciderhouserules · 31/10/2018 14:57

No Problem then - get the divorce started (again) and leave him to his own pigsty.

And don't look back.

Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 15:03

Thanks for all your replies, just had a read through and it’s nice to know I’m not asking too much. Every time I bring it up to him he is always telling me how his clients at work do everything for there husbands and they have better jobs than mine and look after multiple kids. In my other ear I have my parents telling me that it’s not right and I never know who is right.

That's so so so sexist, it makes me angry reading that. It's just so disrespectful, he clearly sees women as inferior to men and as their servants. Don't let your daughter grow up thinking that's the case.

Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 15:05

No Problem then - get the divorce started (again) and leave him to his own pigsty.

He's definitely calling her bluff here, expecting her to back down now

LannieDuck · 31/10/2018 15:12

His happiness is not more important than your happiness.

hellsbellsmelons · 31/10/2018 15:15

Oh, and parents are always right.
Listen to them.
THEY have your best interests at heart.
Your shitty OH only has HIS interests to fulfill here!
Stop listening to his manipulative bullshit!

Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 15:16

Ugh sorry for ranting on but he's actually telling you that your job as a woman is to be his servant, are you ok with that? How could you even consider that to be fair or just or respectful........just because he told you all the other wives do it? Listen to your parents!!

Sarah2302 · 31/10/2018 15:28

The other day a colleague asked me what I enjoyed doing and I couldn’t think of an answer, I can tell you what he does and his dreams (buying a house for his mum) but I don’t have any of my own... I can’t believe this is my life at 35!

OP posts:
eggncress · 31/10/2018 15:31

He making it up about his clients... all lies to make you question yourself.
Completely ignore him and divorce him while ensuring you get your fair share and don’t move out of the house.

Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 15:33

35 is still so young Sarah, don't waste anymore time being treated like a 2nd class citizen, put some value on yourself woman!!

Sarah2302 · 31/10/2018 15:44

10 years we have been married and I should have left many many years ago. But it has taken my dad dying for me to see what kind of man I have been left with, urgh!

OP posts:
Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 15:51

My dad sounds alot like you "D"H they were married 30 years and then he fucked off with a woman the same age as my younger brother, that's the thanks my mother got for putting up with his shit and waiting on him all her life, she was 50, so things could be worse!!

Trinity66 · 31/10/2018 15:52

Oh and she's since remarried a man who adores her and she's never been happier!

Thebluedog · 31/10/2018 16:02

I think I’d send him a message back op which simply says ‘ok’

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