Am I being unreasonable??

[Sarah2302]

Me and my husband have been having problems for a while, but it’s really started to effect me now. 6 months ago my dad died which I think has made everything feel worse and I’m not sure if I am expecting too much from him. He works full time and I work part time and have a 2 years old daughter. I do everything at home, absolutely everything, last week I had my head down a blocked drain! He doesn’t pick anything up behind him, close a cupboard, flush the chain.... does nothing, I do all the finance, cleaning, cooking .....On a Monday he looks after DD when I work and then I have to come home and clean up the bomb site he has left, doesn’t attempt anything it’s just all left out. My daughter never has her hair brushed is covered in food, the dog is never fed or had any water. The lunch plates are spread everywhere, the nappy bag is spread everywhere, towels on the floor. I’m getting so sick and tired of having to do everything, it’s feels really disrespectful. I don’t want him to clean the house just to tidy behind himself. I asked for a divorce after my dad died because it was all getting too much and he was really sad and I gave in and he said he would try but nothing has changed. Am I asking for too much? Am I right to be hurt by his lack of help? His excuse is that he earns more than me so it’s my responsibility!! It’s really getting me down.

Hay, I'm sorry to hear about you're dad. I went through a very difficult spell with my husband after lost a little girl when i was 20wks pregnant (i have 4 boys) an was in hospital for 7 days, needed a transfusions. One day I snapped! I refused to clean up after him. I was a stay at home mum an everything I did was for my kids and him. I kinda forgot about myself. I made a hell of change. Although , I'm crazy about my husband I was beginning to really dislike him and develop a serious anger problem when I seen his face lol.
What I learnt, the issue was my grief, it had changed me. I knew I wanted more an knew i was worth more. (After months of tears, arguments breakdown of communication, so on an so on) i realiselated that my husband jus thought he could treat me the way he wanted because i lost my shit then everything went back to normal- nothing changed. All the while this AND ball of anger grew, manifested! Til i snapped for the last time and looking after myself and doing what needed done an letting him.kniw what needed done an he needed to do it as I wasn't doing it no more. He's a grown ass man, he lives in our home too. Hardest part, letting him learn this himself, i found myself breaking the cycle. Fast forward 5yrs. My husband tries to help out an is doing a lot more. I have learnt to assert how I feel an what I expect from him, an alsoletting him express what he expects from me. Don't get me wrong he drives me crazy at times but we have a blow out then really talk. Sounds corny but in my experience it's communication an understanding but also you need to stop doing the stuff for him. If it doesn't get done then that's his problem, not yours! Hope a little bit
of my experience helps. If you love him then hopefully you can work through it but also explore a wee bit of you're grief.

So very sad for the impact it will have on my beautiful little daddy obsessed girl. I tried over the last few months for her but I’ve lost the love I have for him.

I’m so sorry about your dad

You get 1 shot at life and at the moment you’re wasting it with an utter cunt. Pursue a divorce, free yourself and be happy. Life could be so much better x

Yes one shot in life. That’s exactly how I have been feeling since loosing my dad, before that I took life for granted. I don’t want to live like this anymore, it is no life. My dad died with his family around him and he lived a good life with lots of love and he did eveything for me and my bro and my mum. He was such a brilliant man. My mum was signed off work a long time ago with her M.S and he never grumbled about working and when at home he helped my mum, never just at down and watched her struggle to carry the hoover upstairs e.g. He never really took to my OH and would be up there now thinking what is she doing!

aw Sarah, that's what actual love looks like, actions and all that, words are worth nothing. Your dad sounded like a fantastic man and role model. You need to love and respect yourself as a final gift to him I think

Why does he cry and breakdown at the thought of loosing his family but can’t comprehend how he makes me feel that he does nothing for me. Why can’t he see the relation.

Selfishness

Because he's a thoughtless, selfish twat!
He's out to get what he can from you.
He's a sexist, misogynistic prick to boot.
You don't need to think much more about that one.
It's obvious to all of us!

Try writing him a letter explaining how his actions are making you feel and divorce is now a distinct possibility for you; if he can't treat you like an equal and be respectful enough to flush the loo, then honestly he doesn't give a shit; not sure he's currently taking you serious, that would be my last ditch attempt, if still his behaviour carried on I'd have to accept that as a definitive not giving a fuck about me and have to end it for good.

Why does he cry and breakdown at the thought of loosing his family but can’t comprehend how he makes me feel that he does nothing for me. Why can’t he see the relation.

OP he does see the relation, he is playing you like a fiddle. He knows that if he puts on the act of crying and breaking down at the thought of you leaving that you will stay. It's 100% manipulation to keep you right where he wants you.
He is gaslighting you by feeding you these crazy lies about all these women who have the very important jobs, raise multiple children and are the perfect 50's stepford wives to their husbands. What utter bullshit. These supposed women DO NOT EXIST! He's made them up to make you feel inferior and doubt yourself so you don't question him and upset the status quo he has created.
You don't matter to him, he doesn't love you. Only he matters to him, he only loves himself.

You say you've stayed for your daughter but think about what you are showing her by staying. You're showing her that this is the way a woman should be treated by a man and that this is the best that she should expect when she is old enough to be in a relationship. Do you really want that for her? Leave this selfish, abusive, asshole of a man person (he is no man) and show your daughter that a self-respecting, strong woman doesn't stay in an abusive relationship.

Because he is not loosing you, he is loosing someone who will raise his children and do all the house work.

With you gone, he is going to have to do his own washing and clean up after himself.

Of course he is upset.

I'm really sorry about your dad. He was a real man, generous and caring.

I'm also really sorry your daughter's dad is such a waste of space.

I feel so pathetic, he is downstairs right now laughing and playing with our daughter and i’m upstairs cleaning the bathroom. I feel like I’m loosing my s**t!

Pack up your daughter and dog and move in with your mom OP, you can make arrangements with him to have his daughter whenever he wants. But it is time that you start making yourself happy, when you are happy you will see you can provide a much healthier environment for your daughter.

Do not let the fact that she is a daddy's girl stop you from moving on, she wont thank you in the long run.

My partner is similar to u ! I think they r born like it and in my case his mummy did everything and we have re train them ! My oh isn't as bad as not cleaning up after himself or flushing the toilet but won't ask me if I ever would like a cup of tea after I've done everything cooked washed up cleaned etc I snapped one night when he refused to make me a cup of tea n threw his clothes at him made him
Sleep on the Sofa for 3 nights !! it's programmed into them I would just ignore his needs completely see how long it would take if u didn't cook wash his clothes n clean for him only do it for u n ur daughter ! Then if he wants clothes for work he can wash them himself or food to eat cook for himself
I know easier said than done but maybe as last resort to teach him but if u r too drained just ask him to. Leave why should you take your child away from her home u look after everything you maintain it! U stay there !! Be strong op
Please let us how you are doing ?? Xx

Still haven’t said more than 3 words to him so far, every time I look at him I just want to poke his eyes out. Yesterday my little girl looked me in the face, tipped her food on the floor and says to me “it’s ok mummy, mummy will clean it up”...... 😩 wonder where she got that from!!

Oh Sarah

Oh sweetheart that’s absolutely heartbreaking

You have to get out of this relationship. Look at the impact it’s already having on your dd

What’s stopping you moving to your mums for a bit?

Your dd is being damaged ... you are being abused.

wow if your 2yo is picking up on it you can't ditch him fast enough!

So sorry to hear about your lovely father. You are still young and you can make a new happy life for yourself. I felt so angry when I read your post - how dare he treat you like that. He will never change. Please contact Womens Aid, enrol on the Freedom Programme and move in with your mum if you are able. Whatever, start the process tomorrow to leave this very poor excuse of a man (child)

This is no relationship it is just a dictatorship - sexist twat dictating all jobs to little woman to make his life easy! He sees no value in your role as a mother - fast forward 20 years you will be told you have had an easy life and it is him who has done all the work! If you did ever consider staying, you tell him what you want, which is for him to support you building g a better career for your self so you have increased earning potential. That will look very different to what he has now! He would have to shop, cook and clean (all of which he should be doing now anyhow) He thinks he works hard at his day job??? Maybe he should walk in your shoes for a few days - then he might understand what hard work is!

I’m so scared this is going to get ugly, when I asked for a divorce the first time he was so angry towards me, told me he wasn’t going to make this easy. I’m not sure I’m strong enough for this. He is telling his family who all live abroad that I’m splitting up the family, he works all the hours, I do nothing. They are telling him to leave me as I’m not good enough for him, all this plays on my mind, it’s not fair! He said before he will make sure our daughter knows I split the family up not him. I can’t stay with my mum as she has M.S and would just not cope with is there!

Contact Women’s Aid today. There is a national helpline number but you might be quicker to find your local one and try their number.

They will help you.

If he shouts at you, call the police.
He will turn your daughter against you. It is hard but you have to find a way to get out even if it’s to a refuge.

Rest assured you are not breaking up the family, he is.
He broke his marriage vows by not treating you with respect and abusing you.
He made a conscious effort to do this . You have done nothing wrong.

Never mind what his family think. Your priorities are you and you dd.

Of course his family are saying that, they only hear his very carefully constructed story to put himself in good light. They would have no idea what really goes on. You say you are not strong enough to leave but fast forward a few more years, he will have worn you in to the ground and then it really will be a tough one. You will find strength where you didn’t realise it existed.

If you get any abusive texts from him keep them