Am I being unreasonable??

[Sarah2302]

Me and my husband have been having problems for a while, but it’s really started to effect me now. 6 months ago my dad died which I think has made everything feel worse and I’m not sure if I am expecting too much from him. He works full time and I work part time and have a 2 years old daughter. I do everything at home, absolutely everything, last week I had my head down a blocked drain! He doesn’t pick anything up behind him, close a cupboard, flush the chain.... does nothing, I do all the finance, cleaning, cooking .....On a Monday he looks after DD when I work and then I have to come home and clean up the bomb site he has left, doesn’t attempt anything it’s just all left out. My daughter never has her hair brushed is covered in food, the dog is never fed or had any water. The lunch plates are spread everywhere, the nappy bag is spread everywhere, towels on the floor. I’m getting so sick and tired of having to do everything, it’s feels really disrespectful. I don’t want him to clean the house just to tidy behind himself. I asked for a divorce after my dad died because it was all getting too much and he was really sad and I gave in and he said he would try but nothing has changed. Am I asking for too much? Am I right to be hurt by his lack of help? His excuse is that he earns more than me so it’s my responsibility!! It’s really getting me down.

You are not his slave and his attitude is disgusting. Why should he get to live like this and have you as his personal slave to clean up after him?! If he respected you he would not treat you this way. Leave him, people don’t change.

Oh god I just feel so awful. I have been sorting all my things out so I’m independent. I have also been ignoring H unless it’s about DD so as not to start an argument. Last night he cornered me in the bathroom washing DD and asked me what’s going on, are we in or out of a relationship. We have been through this so many times and then I get drawn into who did what and he starts bringing up years ago so I said that’s enough. I tell him I can’t live with him because his anger effects me mentally and I’m not living like this and also not going to let him shout at me infront of DD again. He says that this is making him ill, he is having panic attacks at work, I feel so guilty, I don’t want to be the person doing this to someone. I don’t know why I feel like this, he has put me into some very dark places mentally, especially during my dads cancer and when he died. I never ever want to go back there again! What am I supposed to do??

Op, google some pretty vex for a nanny, housekeeper, cleaner, dog walker, laundry service, gardener and present him with a spreadsheet. If it’s all about money let him see how much your work
Is worth.
But it’s all bullshit, he’s just lazy.

He’s having panic attacks at work

Yeah, right! Where you can’t see them!

If he’s really having panic attacks, he needs to see a doctor, his work would probably refer him if it was a proper panic attack, they are scary.

Don’t fall for it, get on with getting out, you owe him nothing!

He is probably feel s**t but he doesn’t know what he is talking about. I had my first ever panic attack this time last year at work and they called an ambulance. It was during my dad loosing his battle with cancer and then my H had a huge row with me on holiday as he said I lost his phone. I couldn’t to this day tell you if I did or not as he leaves me with all the arranging I don’t know if I’m coming or going. That panic attack still scares me to this day and I have to try and push it out of my mind. I went to the doc and he gave me anti anxiety tablets which H found out about and shouted at me for taking them in charge of my daughter. So that answers the question he will never go to the doc about it!

Op, just end this. And it doesn't matter what he tells his family. You'll see that when you're away. Your daughter tipping her food on the floor and saying what she did shows how bad this is, do you really want her to grow up witnessing this and learning this is what relationships are like.

Remember one thing. He can chose to tidy up after himself. It's a deliberate choice not to. He's deliberately choosing this. Not you.

As such, just end it, you cantlive your life being a skivvy for this man.

Yes I have but he won’t let it go. Yesterday my DD (2) told everyone at a family dinner that daddy shouted 😢 which he did on sat eve😢

He keeps asking me what I’m telling other people about him and I had better not be telling them he is aggressive ( I said no to him, but everyone knows he is) I don’t know how to tell him it’s me who he is divorcing not the whole world. Do I write him a letter to tell him why I don’t love him, that’s it’s either us or I’m going to slump into depression and god knows!!!!!

Don't get hung up on the reason cited for the divorce, it doesn't matter at the end of the day. You need to get out of this marriage, if he divorces you because if a lack of intimacy it makes no difference to you divorcing him for unreasonable behaviour.

Also, your DD is only young, let him say what he wants. After you've split up and she lives with you in a loving happy home but visits him in a pigsty, she'll know the truth.

Hugs to you you are strong enough, take your power back.

Op, you seem to be trying to find any reason not to end it. He knows rhe reason. He's made it clear, either be his skivvy or fuck off. He thinks you don't have the balls to fuck off. That you will live your life like this.

Have you some place to go? Can you get him out?have you checked the online calculator for how much child maintenance he needs to provide?

Sarah. Lovely. Kind. Giving Sarah.

Grab yourself by the ladyballs and pull yourself up.

He is abusive, toxic and manipulative, and you do NOT have to put up with or take part in that.

Grey rock him - absolutely DO NOT engage in discussion or explanation about how your feel or what's wrong or why. You want a divorce, and that's all there is to it. He doesn't get to manipulate what you tell anybody else, after all, you sure as hell don't get a say in him manipulating what his family hears about you, do you??

Of course he's upset and angry. He's about to lose him his unpaid slave Stepford wife. He thinks of himself as a master puppeteer, God, and his puppets growing tits and walking off stage gives him undeniably confronting evidence that he's failed at being the puppet master.

He should have fkn flushed the toilet, shouldn't he, the disgusting pig. That alone is a health hazard to a 2 year old. He should have closed the cupboard drawer, tidied up a nappy or ten, but HE. CHOSE. NOT. TO. He chose not to because he thinks you are sub-human. Lordy I am ANGRY at him for what he has done to you and your little girl.

He's going to make the divorce as messy as he can for you is he?? He's even more of a manipulative fool then I thought. It's his precious money he'll be wasting if he does. Bring it on, because you Sarah, have just discovered that you have teeth.

He is text book abusive. The tears, anger, threats are all the tactics he uses to get you back under control.
You are assuming he wants a relationship where both parties are happy..he doesn't.

He wants you to be subservient to him. It's very difficult to understand if you have come from a loving family.. I suspect he has either had an abusive childhood or he was golden child.

The cycle with a toxic person is to deny, blame and get aggressive, until you get back inline.

Don't confront anymore, get the finances together..(do you have money in accounts that he might take) and start planning to leave. Use womens aid and ask them about legal advice.
Be warned that he is likely to use money to punish you..do you have hos previous tax returns to show his income?

I can't pretend it will be pleasant to get through this but there is light at the end of the tunnel and your daughter will be in a better place. I know it feels painful but you deserve better.

Yes he had an abusive childhood, I expect that’s where he has learnt his behaviour from. I feel sorry for him that he went through what he did.

Yes he will definitely use money to punish me. He has already removed a large chunks from the joint accounts and all the threats so far have been money related. He has paid for everything, the work I do is not worth much.....etc etc

He has just come in from work and told me I can use the money to buy food as it’s “our” money (first time I’ve heard that). I’ve told him I don’t need anything from him. To which he replied you are angry aren’t you, I’m not angry! Then he told me he deserves a say in this relationship to which I stated when one person wants out what kind of say do you want! Yes now I’m starting to get angry!!!!!

He told you you could use the money to buy food? Fuck me? Food? That's big of him.

What a Prince among men he is.

Whatever his childhood was like doesn't excuse abusing you.

What is your plan? Are you going to move out or make him leave? Do you own the house? Have you looked at what benefits you maybe entitled to? I noticed he is self employed, that means bad news for maintenance usually as they tend to declare far less than they own.

You have a choice, decide that you want to be a maid, doormat, sex slave and never ever say anything he doesn’t agree with. Or end the relationship because he will never change. He won’t be single long and he’ll do the same to the next woman because he believes that it is what he is entitled too. You are being inconvenient by standing up to yourself. I doubt even now he thinks you will actually leave. And if you don’t? Well he’ll take the opportunity to push you even further under his thumb. Your dd deserves better, you deserve far better. You know what a decent man looks like because your dad was one. Don’t settle for less.

Yes I’ve done a lot of research into the situation and I’m not moving. I’ve yet to find a solicitor to help me. I did get an offer of a 1 hr appointment for £60 from one! Is this good? If he tells me one more time I can use any of the money in his account I will loose my s**t, I don’t want it!!!!!!! And now he wants to buy me and my mum a spa weekend!! It’s not going to change my mind!

He is hoovering, hoping you’ll change your mind. This is all temporary bollocks to hook you again. Sounds like you know this.
Contact your local women’s aid, citizens advice etc and see if they have any knowledge of solicitors who offer a free hour.

Thanks I’ve just emailed citizens advice for some, well advice! I’ve just noticed a present from him under the tree😩 should I get him one from our daughter? God, this is all so difficult.

Get one from dd but not from yourself.

It upsets me so much when I hear about women in relationships like this.

You do not deserve to be treated in this way under ANY circumstances. He sounds manipulative, and that he'll say or do anything to make you feel like the guilty party. You are NOT at fault. He's made these choices and he's trying to shift blame because he's panicking.

Stay strong and get out of this toxic relationship. You will feel so much better when you're free. You are worth so much more than this.

Am I being unreasonable. I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer last Wednesday, and had surgery on Monday. My husband and I have been together for 23 years, therefore I am close to his mum and stepdad, and I thought I was also close to his dad and stepmom, and half sisters and brother. I have twin 10 year old girls, through IVF, we went through a lot until we eventually had the twins. So as a family we have been through quite a bit. Also my dad passed away last year from Cancer, and my husbands mum recently had to have a double mastectomy so the word Cancer is a very scary word to our family. When I found out on Wednesday about the Cancer I phoned my mum, my hubby's mum and then his dad, where his dad passed me immediately over to my husband's stepmom. I told her that I had Cancer and that I was having surgery on Monday. After which she said she would be in touch, she never asked how our girls were, or spoke to.my husband. It is now a week later, my surgery was on Monday, and they have only just phoned now. Over the last few days I have had family members and friends getting in touch in numerous ways, through social media, text, phone calls etc to check how we are. Not once did my husbands half sisters etc.. contact me or message me, or respond to.other Facebook messages people have sent me, and then when my husbands step mum rang today, she asked how I was I explained that I was in pain from the surgery, to which she responded with 'so it was Cancer then?' So I noted that I'd already told her that the week before, I then discussed how I was upset that nobody had phoned my hubby to see how he was, or how the kids were, how nobody has contacted me at all. I said it felt that they really didn't seem to care, she then asked if I meant them too, and I said, yes, a little bit, to which she responded with ' well if that's how you feel, bye and take care' and put the phone down on me. They know that I'm waiting for my histology results to see if the Cancer was aggressive. I feel really bad about it, particularly for my hubby and kids. Was I unreasonable. Xx

Mimi. you need to start your own thread. you added this to the end of an old one so you won't get many replies.