Situation with a married man

[Pandagreenabbey]

I have been with my dp 10 years. One dc. Happy but not as attracted as I once was.

Find a married man at work attractive. Was fine just a bit of eye candy until I noticed strongly he was staring. Checking me out, blushing when I was around, he was nervous around me. This sort of thing went on for a month or two.
I started thinking about him a lot and felt guilty and ashamed. Tried to put distance between us and one day it got too much and I told him how I developed a crush on him, that I'm not going to act on it.
I deeply regret telling him this. He was very embarrassed and said he's married.
I told dp about it All, didn't want guilt on my shoulders. Regret that too.

Anyway I avoided this man. Back turned to him. No eye contact. Nothing.
He keeps talking to me when I'm not looking at him. Drumming up conversation. I get a feeling someone is looking at me, I turn around and he's checking me out. He tries to make eye contact.
I don't know if he likes the attention of if he's trying to initiate things between us. I'm so confused.
I want to ask him if the feeling is mutual because he's never admitted anything and then have a conversation about keeping away from me. I've tried being distant. He just chases. He doesn't flirt he isn't inappropriate.
I don't want to have an awkward conversation but his actions are confusing me and making it hard for me to get over him.
Most importantly I don't want to hurt anybody in all this. I really don't!!
Should I just have this conversation with him? Should I ask him to keep away? Or will that inflate his ego even more?

You need to make it clear to him that he's making you uncomfortable and you want him to stop. He might try denying looking at you or checking you out but at least if you've made him aware that that's how you feel, he can make an effort to avoid doing it completely. If you're not interested, you need to make sure he knows that or he might just think it's a bit of a game.

What is there to get over? You've got a bit of a crush, hardly something to lose sleep over.

Tell him to stop bothering you and if he does not you'll report him for harassment.

I never initiate conversation with him. I will avoid it. I do sometimes say hi in passing because he's looking right at me. I don't want to be rude or nasty.
The other day I didn't look at him while he was doing a job next to me. Head was down. He said my name and started chatting. Then when he walked away I turned round to look at him and he was already turned round looking at me. We both looked away really quickly.
It's so hard because I try to avoid him and it makes him chase me.
I was going to say look I could be wrong but sometimes I get the feeling it's mutual and I think it's best just to get on with work instead of talking to eachother, would be easier for me.
I don't work with him so really he doesn't have to talk to me.

Why did you tell him? Why did you tell your dh? I suggest you change job and remember to be professional at work.

Why do you need to know if it's mutual?

You have posted about this before haven't you?

If he is making you uncomfortable then tell him to stop it.

But that's not what you want, is it? Why would you want him, If he is the type to do the dirty on his wife?

@lionsandtiger I know, I regret this big time. I wanted to tell him because it was getting to me in a big way and I wanted to put an end to it. I was prepared for him to say yes I'm married but feeling is mutual. Then avoid eachother mutually.
That didn't happen.
I told dp because I felt like I had crossed a line. We have an honest relationship and I couldn't look him in the eyes knowing I had been spouting to another man my lustful feelings.

Grow up you sound like a love struck school girl! You told him he didn’t reciprocate, sounds like your fishing for an affair with anyone, do you really want to upset his wife, your husband and be the joke of your work? So what if he looks at you I think most of it’s in your head, I pity your husband.

@notacluewhatthisis I don't think he would cheat on his wife. I really don't.
But I do believe he feels the same but won't admit it. I'm not flattering myself, his actions really spell it out to me.
But I need to keep away from him. My Feelings are dangerous and I don't know what his game is. I don't want to make things awkward but when he talks to me and I'm face on it just lights the fire again.

Oh dear. I do think maybe his wife has posted about this last week! Trouble is, you’ve told him you have a crush on him.

Perhaps best thing is to tell him you realise after all the staring he is doing that it makes you uncomfortable, find it creepy, you no longer have a crush and it makes you uncomfortable so please stop.

Then work on your relationship with your DP before even mentioning crushes with anyone else (leaving married men well alive). Telling someone you have a crush on them is opening a door.

How embarrassing. Stop it now. You are going to make an even bigger fool of yourself than you already have.

@adora10 did you not read that I don't want to hurt anyone. I'm dealing with this the best I can. I want to keep away. It's him that won't and I want to tell him to keep away for everyone's sakes.
The fact he won't admit it just confuses me. It's not in my head. I mite have a stupid crush but I'm not that dim.
I can't help who I am attracted to and I can't help my feelings. I do not want an affair and I'm not going to have an affair.

What were you thinking saying you had a crush on him?! Good grief.

Stop worrying about being rude and stop engaging with him.

Think about changing jobs.

I don't think he would cheat on his wife. I really don't.

But you want him to betray her by telling you his feelings? For an ego boost.

But I do believe he feels the same but won't admit it. I'm not flattering myself, his actions really spell it out to me.

So what does it matter.

You can stay away from him by telling him to stay away, that it's making you uncomfortable.

No one believes you only want to know so you can stay away from eachother.

The only reason for telling him would be in the hope that your feelings were reciprocated. The excitement of starting an affair appealed to you and now you are pretending to back off but it all sounds like a game.

@notacluewhatthisis

I think if I'm honest with myself I guess i want to know his feelings because I want to know if he feels the same way about me or if I'm just an ego boost for him, If he is treating me like a puppet on a string pushing me to see how far I will go.
No I guess it doesn't matter.
If he admitted it, it would be easier for me to say keep away. Right now he's only talking and it mite seem a bit drastic to say stay away when its just conversation.

But then I think if he wanted to disclose his feelings then he would have done so.

I think he's married and loves his wife. He fancies me and is flattered. Doesn't like when I avoid him or be distant with him. He wants to flirt without crossing boundaries. I think if he does harbour feelings he has them under control.

You are not really being honest with yourself.

If you don't want an affair why did you tell him (and your husband -why?) and why do you want to know if the feelings mutual.

If you never ever want to act on it it's not important what he thinks or feels. So just steer well clear and avoid him and pull yourself together. Be professional.

Don't discuss it with him at all - so what if the feeling is mutual - you will simply get yourself into a mess with him. It will entangle you more and end in tears.

And don't be a drama llama.

You're totally after him.

I need to avoid him and get out of conversation with him.
People mite just see it as attraction but this is something I'm struggling with. It's making me unhappy. My feelings are very strong. It's even harder when I think he feels the same. It's very frustrating he didn't admit it but I need to accept that it's for the greater good.
This is out of character for me. I feel sick with myself yet I can't help it.
I can't even imagine the horror show of an affair. I know it wouldn't end well for anyone.....but it doesn't make this any easier. And the more he ropes me in the more I want him. It's ridiculous. I hate myself for it.

Are you the blonde in your late 20s that's after the 40ish bloke who's wife has a friend spying on you both?

This all sounds far too familiar!

Not blonde. In my 30s. Nobody else knows

If you want this, end things with your partner. Invite him to do the same.

But he is simply and ego boost for you, unless you are going to try to pursue it further. So what does it matter?

You told him you had a crush on him hoping he'd say the same so you could agree to mutually avoid each other? No, not for that reason.

No idea why you'd tell your husband.

You're convinced this man fancies you. It's like you want him to want you so..what? You can have an affair with him?

My teenage daughters have more sense than you.