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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Situation with a married man

99 replies

Pandagreenabbey · 29/10/2018 18:06

I have been with my dp 10 years. One dc. Happy but not as attracted as I once was.

Find a married man at work attractive. Was fine just a bit of eye candy until I noticed strongly he was staring. Checking me out, blushing when I was around, he was nervous around me. This sort of thing went on for a month or two.
I started thinking about him a lot and felt guilty and ashamed. Tried to put distance between us and one day it got too much and I told him how I developed a crush on him, that I'm not going to act on it.
I deeply regret telling him this. He was very embarrassed and said he's married.
I told dp about it All, didn't want guilt on my shoulders. Regret that too.

Anyway I avoided this man. Back turned to him. No eye contact. Nothing.
He keeps talking to me when I'm not looking at him. Drumming up conversation. I get a feeling someone is looking at me, I turn around and he's checking me out. He tries to make eye contact.
I don't know if he likes the attention of if he's trying to initiate things between us. I'm so confused.
I want to ask him if the feeling is mutual because he's never admitted anything and then have a conversation about keeping away from me. I've tried being distant. He just chases. He doesn't flirt he isn't inappropriate.
I don't want to have an awkward conversation but his actions are confusing me and making it hard for me to get over him.
Most importantly I don't want to hurt anybody in all this. I really don't!!
Should I just have this conversation with him? Should I ask him to keep away? Or will that inflate his ego even more?

OP posts:

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 00:11

He's not though, not from what OP has said.

She's said hes watching her and so on...its very awkward in light of earlier convo

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 00:13

She is feeling harrassed, alright because of her feeling s but it is coming across from OP as being watched and so on

Why shouldn't she say, enough?

babycow38 · 30/10/2018 00:20

Then you told him you were up for it, he backed off, got shit scared and ever since you have wanted to make more of it than what it was, am I right? Now you are woman (bunny boiler) scorned and want to make out he is a sex pest at work?

notsureofname · 30/10/2018 00:20

Think you are loving every minute of this drama. Feel sorry for your DH as every day he has to deal with the fact that you are working alongside someone you have a crush on. You are selfish and self-centred; leave your job to save your relationship,

MsPavlichenko · 30/10/2018 00:29

Get a grip ffs. Otherwise your colleague will ( correctly) go to HR about this.

babycow38 · 30/10/2018 00:32

I absolutely agree MsPavlichenko
If I was this man I would be seeing HR about OP
She sounds unhinged

babycow38 · 30/10/2018 00:36

told dp because I felt like I had crossed a line. We have an honest relationship and I couldn't look him in the eyes knowing I had been spouting to another man my lustful feelings.

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 00:40

Does it sound like OP has been approaching and making convo with this man? Apart from the one time of telling him what was going on for her; I'm not getting that.

CoachBombay · 30/10/2018 01:00

I detect a Drama Llama....🚨

But seriously OP, grow up.

I suggest you act professionally with your colleague.

You put this little fantasy/flirt/ego boost to bed.

Get on with your life.

LikeIcare · 30/10/2018 06:55

You sound like every delusional stalker I've met. They always see 'signs' everywhere, little glances or whatever. It's always that they just KNOW the other person feels the same despite them denying it and there's always 'someone in the way' the wife/husband/parent and if it wasn't for them, he/she would fall into my arms.

They always go on and on and on about it too. Exactly as you have with your repeated obsessional threads.

You really need some help with your MH before you end up ruining your career or worse.

Theyprobablywill · 30/10/2018 09:21

You need to get some help before you end up with no job and an injunction.

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/10/2018 09:52

The op told the man she fancied because she couldn't envision a way where he felt different. The drama of their clandestine feelings came to an end.

She told her DP to create the drama around this man. She sees him looking at her and wanting her, because it's drama. She wants him to tell her that he feels the same, to create more drama. Personally, if a married man fancies me I would rather he just didn't tell me and I would ignore it, if I noticed anything.

She posts here to relive the drama. Her posts are similar to thoughts that come from stalkers. They see signs everywhere that the person stalking them want a them.

My Dp was giving me very clear signs he fancied me. It took MN to tell me i was being a dick and ignoring the signs. So I don't get this line of thinking.

I feel very sorry for her dp. I also feel for the other bloke involved who did the right thing and shut it down, I also feel for his wife. Chances are that the bloke, since he has shown to be the decent type, has told his wife. Just In case op goes full on and tries contacting her. I would hate if my Dp worked with someone like OP.

SheCameFromGreeceSheHadaThirst · 30/10/2018 10:54

This exact thread has been started numerous times in the last 6 months with the same responses every time

Yes, it's getting really tedious and desperate now

TattyCat · 30/10/2018 11:07

Op, you're an idiot.

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 11:08

Is this true OP? Are you the same poster as the previous threads, and seeing things that aren't there? Have you ever had any intentions to contact his wife? Ever thought it? As these are dangerous suggestions, and could destroy lives.

If you really can't deal with your feelings i would get another job. Do you have colleagues work colleagues that have detected any signs of over interest by him, noticed a change in his behaviour as you say you haven't done anything to encourage this, but tried to avoid him?

Notjustanyone · 30/10/2018 11:20

I think you should see a doctor op because your behaviour isn't normal by any stretch of the imagination.

LanguidLobster · 30/10/2018 11:28

If it's the same OP then she seemed quite nice and funny but completely infatuated and like she wants an affair. He's said no. Actually it made me wince a bit that she told him

Most of us have had crushes whilst in a long term relationship, they fade.

So you feel like you're not getting enough attention at home and attraction to DP has faded?

Try to ask him about how his family are every time you see him, that's usually a bucket of cold water over a crush

LanguidLobster · 30/10/2018 11:31

He's probably watching you as he's not quite sure what you're going to do next

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 11:31

Good words languid
How odd, you just broke my dream, I was eating lobsters in my dreams last night!! Loads and loads, love them! Clearly I have food issues esp seeing my aibu thread!

Shriekingbanshee · 30/10/2018 11:33

Talking about his family all the time is a great crush killer for OP, and is still being pleasant to OM

Trinity66 · 30/10/2018 11:37

I don't know what to do.

You don't do anything? You shouldn't have said anything either, I mean wtf was the point in saying something to him unless you actually wanted something to come of it? Grow up.

Janus · 30/10/2018 11:40

There’s no possible way that if you found out he feels the same that would make you feel better. This would then make you wonder what a relationship would be like. You sound like you want the flattery of knowing he likes you, this would not end well. So leave it well alone. Honestly just blank him every time he tries to strike up a conversation and he’ll soon stop trying. Time for you to be the adult.

Livingloving · 30/10/2018 12:39

Maybe he is flattered, maybe he is developing feelings for you but the fact he told you he was married when you confessed your crush means he doesn’t want to go there. You must leave him be.

SassitudeandSparkle · 30/10/2018 12:56

OP, have you obsessed about anyone else at work in this way before? He's not interested. You are, and everyone in work will know that because you'll be making it obvious! I suspect you have form for this type of obsession.

It's not the first thread you've posted on this and they always go the same way.

LanguidLobster · 30/10/2018 13:00

@Shriekingbanshee nooo don't eat me!!

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