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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

People with FWB situations, can you tell me more?

81 replies

Perfectpanda01 · 29/10/2018 15:07

I have no desire to enter a relationship and this seems like the ideal solution. I just want to feel appreciated and wanted/desirable.

How do you go about it? What do I need to be aware of? I have never done OLD before either.

OP posts:
Hidinginthebath · 29/10/2018 15:11

I had one and it ended disastrously tbh. We both met other people, as we were just FWB after all, but couldn't let the emotional connection go (there shouldn't have been one) so it was a couple of years of being 'friends' only but it got so difficult & he overstepped the mark a couple of times so I have had to block him.

My advice is be really clear about what happens if an emotional attachment creeps up on you and spell out what happens if you meet other people.

MaggieMuggins · 29/10/2018 15:19

I've just started one. Met through a dating app. I didn't advertise that's what I wanted on my profile, kept it vague, but made it clear in my early messages that it was what I was after.

Only met a couple of times so far but on the first occasion we had a very frank conversation about what we wanted to make sure we were on the same page. The sexual connection was very good, although he isn't my type physically (I found that I was much less bothered about physical attraction when searching for FWB as I know it's not someone I want to wake up next to at all for the rest of my life) and we get on well out of bed which was important for me too - wanted to be able to go on dates as well, not just sex. So far so good 

ComtesseDeSpair · 29/10/2018 15:44

You need to be emotionally literate and self aware. You need to acknowledge that there’s a possibility you will get more emotionally involved than you planned to, and know that you’ll be able to own this (by telling your partner, working your way over it, or ending the situation.) You need to be able to communicate your needs and desires and be upfront about why you’re doing what you’re doing. You need to be looking for a FwB situation because you actively want this type of situation - and not just because you feel too vulnerable to trust somebody in a committed relationship yet: this is important, the more casual and fluid nature of an FwB arrangement will only make you feel more vulnerable and insecure if that’s the way you already feel.

I have several. It works well for me and meets my needs as they are at the moment. I didn’t plan for things to be this way - I came out of an LTR and started dating about a year later. I met somebody who I had a few dates with, after which he said he really liked me but knew he was still a bit hung up on his ex, didn’t want to lead me on and didn’t know when he’d be ready for something more serious. At that point I said I was happy to just date casually and see what happened. Two years later, what’s “happened” is that we are genuinely good friends who have sex. We still go on dates, we go out, we go away for weekends together, we spend time with each other’s friends. But we lead independent lives and there’s no expectation on either side that this will change. We check in with each other regularly about how we feel: “are you still okay with whatever it is we’re doing?”. “Do you feel you need anything else from me?” We both have other people we have similar arrangements with - for me, once I realised that the independence and fluidity works for me, I felt a lot more free to explore with other people.

I said on another thread that in a good FwB situation, there’s nothing wrong per se with having feelings for each other as long as you’re both in the same page about it. I’m tactile and affectionate with all my long-term FwBs and they with me - it’s really the whole point of the rodeo: we genuinely like, care for and are invested in each other. We probably love each other a bit, in that way you love a close friend. Just because somebody doesn’t want a fully committed monogamous relationship with the expectation that this will escalate into living together and marriage etc, doesn’t mean they don’t want care, affection, tenderness, intimacy etc. But you need to be able to recognise the limitations of the arrangement and enjoy things within those confines rather than expect or seek something more.

noego · 29/10/2018 15:58

@comtessedespair

Beautifully put. I couldn't agree more. I personally don't like the term FWB but do prefer friends and lovers.

They are all friends, we do love each other, we live independently from each other, we date, spend time together and sex isn't always on the agenda. If things get intimate on a date night or weekend away then so be it. If not, then so be it as well.

Read up on Relationship Anarchy OP. It might help.

PipeTheFuckDown · 29/10/2018 16:01

@comtessedespair Pretty much what I was going to say.

For me the lack of pressure is the key thing. I am so busy all the time and I don’t have time for a relationship and I am no longer in the mood to compromise, so FWB works well for me. One is a family friend my own age who I’ve known for over a decade, the other is someone who was on the outskirts of my life but then became a good friend about 2 years ago, and is around 4 years younger than me.

PipeTheFuckDown · 29/10/2018 16:02

@noego I prefer lover too tbh! FWB is a little too much like teen speak for me Grin

NotTheFordType · 29/10/2018 16:08

"lover" is way too 70s for me!

Perfectpanda01 · 29/10/2018 17:21

Wow, thanks for the responses. Lack of pressure sounds perfect to me too. I'd not heard of Relationship Anarchy, very interesting! I couldn't sleep with someone I didn't like and respect as a person, so @comtessedespair's very transparent approach sounds just perfect.

OP posts:
GalateaDunkel · 29/10/2018 17:35

FWB is still a relationship, you can't change the meaning of words.

The relationship is based almost entirely on sex, since you are not looking to move it beyond that. So it's fine if that is what both parties are happy with.

I would caution that there is some confusion caused by the idea that it is possible to engage in a mutually satisfying relationship (even of a purely sexual nature) without any possibility of the other risks that usually go with them, e.g. getting hurt. This is only the case if you genuinely do not care about them or what they think of you IMO.

stevie69 · 29/10/2018 17:58

My current one is quite new and, to be honest, took a while to find. I'm reasonably choosy.

We 'met' online. He's younger than me — much younger —and so it's definitely not a permanent arrangement.

I'm pretty resilient and am likely to cope OK when it ends, although I guess one of them will break my heart one day but hey .... that could happen just as easily in a more traditional relationship Blush

It's not for everyone but it's a perfect way of life for me.

Good luck, OP Smile

Redglitter · 29/10/2018 18:05

This is only the case if you genuinely do not care about them or what they think of you IMO

I would disagree. I've had a FWB set up for 6 years now. He's my best friend. We chat the way friends do and have great sex once a week.

We don't go out together. He doesn't stay the night and I have no interest whatsoever in a conventional relationship with him. He'd drive me up the wall for a start Smile

I couldn't have this set up with someone I.didn't care about in some way

GalateaDunkel · 29/10/2018 18:22

Redglitter

I didnt meant it like that. What I was trying to get at is that the potential to get stung is still there. There is only no potential for hurt if you do not care about them or what they think. Again, I don't think most FWB relationships are like this tho.

Speaking as a guy, some FWB type arrangements from my single days were because I was happy enough to have sex but would not want to have to answer "yes" if anyone I was not slightly embarrassed to be known to be shagging, asked if I was seeing anyone.

StrippedOfDeposit · 29/10/2018 20:29

It’s a nice idea but, in my experience, the “friend” part tends to be lacking. I feel like it’s a green flag for men to treat women like shit (e.g. not answering texts for weeks on end) without fear of consequences.

squeakybird · 29/10/2018 23:56

I feel like it’s a green flag for men to treat women like shit (e.g. not answering texts for weeks on end) without fear of consequences.

^this

I think it can be a fine setup for some people but if you’re someone who, like me, is somewhat emotionally vulnerable, be wary of the fact that some very unpleasant pisstakers use FWB situations as a way of having their cake and eating it.

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/10/2018 09:27

The reason this didn't work for me is that it is complicated. And it's meant to not be. FWB works better if you are friends. Friendly enough to be close, not too friendly where you feelings start into romantic love. You have to fancy them enough to have good sex, but not that much you want them and only them.

It's not meant to be complicated. And it is. I had 1. We met and dated when our marriages ended. We moved to fast and decided to end things. We then, due to the situation remained on friendly terms. Then became good friends who fancied each other. Then we agreed to FWB.

FWB turned into spending all our spare time together, lots and lots of great sex. We wanted to spend a lot of time together because the sex was so great. I then needed somewhere to stay until my house was ready and stayed with him. He helped me move in. He was gutted when I left. We carried on with FWB. Then one Sunday we spent the morning laid on is sofa watching tv, cuddling went to the supermarket and planned what meals WE were having for the week. When I went home, I was gutted and missed him. Luckily for me He popped in that night and then the next morning (He works nights), we chatted and he felt the same. We are now a couple.

I couldn't balance caring enough, but not too much. Fancying him enough but not too much. Wanting to spend time with him, but not too much. Neither could he. It all felt too complicated for me. More so that our relationship now. But that might be just the type of people we are.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 09:36

I'm in a FWB, it's getting on for seven months now. I'm now more emotionally invested than he is. I thought I was going to be OK, be cool with it. But this last six weeks or so; things have changed. We see each other once, sometimes twice a week plus calls and texts. He is very good company, we are in a similar situation, the sex is off the scale. We stop overnight at each others, go out sometimes but usually just cook for each other.

Last night, I told him I loved him. He didn't run for the hills but he did say that he didn't want a relationship.

Be careful OP. The feels can grab you before you know it and then it's too late.

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/10/2018 09:47

Renarde1975 you ok?

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 10:32

Notacluewhatthisis

Aww thank you for asking.

Kind of. I was involved with a guy last year who managed to rip my heart out. He's been on and off for this last year. That's why I genuinely thought I could handle a FVW because I just wasn't free to commit emotionally.

The more time went on, the other guy faded. I still love him but he's not on my mind as much as he was. That's a good thing but as one feeling faded the other one got stronger. I've come to rely emotionally on the FWB - he's just texted me now actually, we are seeing each other tonight. The funny thing is, I've known the FWB for a year too. We had a brief thing summer 2017. It ended. Heartbreke comes in a few weeks later. That ends.

Then FWB comes back stating he wanted a relationship before bailing. It then developed after I told him I wasn't able to emotionally commit.

He is very good in bed and I was feeling frustrated after the other guy. I'd had a good six months off dating at all when FWB rocked up in May.

Complex. For over a year these two man have been revolving in and out of my life. The really bizarre thing? Last summer it ended with FWB guy then not a week or so later heart breaker comes in.

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 10:40

There is a simple enough test I think. Suppose your FWB has arranged to come round at the weekend, he cancels because he is meeting someone else he would rather shag. Do you feel hurt ? If so then it's probably not for you.

Catherinewheelgirl · 30/10/2018 10:41

I’m in a fwb situation and am starting to develop feelings. When I’m with him, he is so affectionate and romantic and he generally keeps in touch most days. However whenever things get too emotionally close, he tends to pull back for a few days. He has a lot going on with a divorce etc. He always tells me everything about his life but doesn’t ask the same in return about mine.

I know I need to talk to him about things but I know he isn’t in a place where he can offer commitment right now.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 10:44

GalateaDunkel

That's actually a really good test there. As long as you haven't already tipped over the point of no return.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 10:50

Catherinewheelgirl

Ahh, that's rough.

When I’m with him, he is so affectionate and romantic and he generally keeps in touch most days.

Snap. When we are in bed he looks at me so intensely. Real eye contact, connection. I've rarely had that before. It's all some can do to come, fart, then roll off before quietly snoring...

In fact, last time we were together, in the middle of the deed, it didn't feel like two people any more. I admit I did bite my lip to stop blurting out 'I love you' then. I think this maybe prompted my confession last night. It was becoming too hard 'not' to say it.

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/10/2018 11:05

Renarde1975 oh bless you. It can get complicated and I hope you find your way to happiness.

I know what you mean about sex though. Do definitely took it to another level. The connection was there. I suppose we just both got the the same point emotionally and the same time.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 11:17

Thank you Not. I read your post above and thought; that's lovely. The realisation you both came to that it was getting complicated and then moving forward.

I hope it works out. Nearly seven months in and not a cross word really. I was frightened of, well one of my greatest fears, being abandoned. It took a long time before I felt I was in a safe space to begin to let my guard down. Plus there was the other guy too.

This week will be tough as it also marks a significant anniversary with the other guy. In preparation for this, I went full NC about a week ago. That also helped my mind considerably and drew me closer to FWB guy. I told FWB guy that the ex is 'deleted' last night actually.

Lorddenning1 · 30/10/2018 11:39

I have just ended one last night, around 3 months ago i came out of a 9 year relationship, we have 2 DC together, i was heartbroken.
My FWB is a friend of mine and we slept together around 4 weeks ago, we both said we didnt want anything serious, and it was just going to be sex and dates etc, that suited me fine, as i have the kids but they stay at their dads once a week. this was a good distraction for me and helped me stopped thinking about my ex, i had a few wobbles and felt it was moving too fast and cancelled on him a few times, but all was generally ok.
Until last weekend, I had agreed we werent seeing each other but then ended up seeing each other every night, we had lots of sex, lots of cuddles and i even stayed over (normally against the rules) we sat in bed sunday morning drinking a cup of tea and it felt like we were in a relationship, he offered to make me breakfast and i panicked and went home.
I feel like we have been moving really fast and the dynamics have started to change for me anyways. he has started to creep into my thoughts and i find myself smiling all the time, and if i see something funny, i want to message him and tell him, i feel like this has been equally matched, we message each other the same amount.
so after the weekend i have been thinking do i want more and why am i feeling like this, i came to the conclusion that i would want something more but in the future, im happy to carry on like we are but i can see myself settling down with him down the line. again i scared myself and i was going to back off and give myself some space, but my friends convinced me to tell him how i feel, so i did and his response, he likes me to but cannot commit at the minute,,,, Hmmm ok :( so we have ended things and go back to being friends, and now im gutted again :( why have i done this to myself :( im such an idiot