People with FWB situations, can you tell me more?

[Perfectpanda01]

I have no desire to enter a relationship and this seems like the ideal solution. I just want to feel appreciated and wanted/desirable.

How do you go about it? What do I need to be aware of? I have never done OLD before either.

Gallatea, the lady said the men she sees are friends, so they are not likely to disappear from her life 'if something better came along.' I think that's very low grade FWB behaviour, and the men in question are not really interested in the woman, just in having no strings attached sex.

something2say Again though, you must admit the possibility. Also a lot of people are not comfortable with their partner hanging out with someone they have sexual feelings for, let alone a very recent sexual past with. So there are really any number of reasons they may not stick around.

I am in a fairly new FWB situation. We’ve worked together for just over a year & have been friends for most of that time.

For lots of reasons, we could never be each other’s “together forever”. The most obvious reason being that I am considerably older than him & have already been married, had kids etc - whereas he still has all of that to do in life.

I would say that we do have feelings for each other, but the feelings are more friendship & lust. Not romantic love.

We also have rules - no overnight stays, no dates etc. Whether that will change over time I don’t know - we are both still getting used to everything at the moment maybe things will get more relaxed over time.

But yes, it absolutely is a relationship of sorts. Just one with no commitment or expectations of each other and one without a real future. There is a clear connection between us, the eye contact & kissing for example are more passionate than I’ve ever known before (and I’m fairly old!) - and the sex is the best of my life.

I’m not sure that you can always stop yourself having feelings, sometimes it can just be about accepting that one day you will have to let this person go and be OK with that. I also hope to meet someone I can be in a proper relationship with again at some point, although I’m in no hurry at all. I was married for 20 years - I’m enjoying living alone & not being answerable to anyone.

I have a couple of fwb's.
There is no exclusiveness op. They are basically casual fucks. Each party is free to explore other options because there is no relationship or commitment. Their reaction to the suggestion of exclusiveness would be the same as mine, laughter.

Very rarely do we make advance plans. It's something like hey what you doing later. Then we meet, chill and possibly fuck. I say very rarely because of course there's still the friend element and we go out as friends so make plans. If anyone cancels, there is mutual respect and if it's because of a better fuck this is never mentioned. As although only casual neither person should be a dick, if they are then they get dropped.

Either person should be able to make the booty call, and if one-sided then something is amiss.

Expectations are also required. Some parties want the cum and go, whereas others want the meet, chill out and possibly fuck and chill more. Although even with the chill ones there can also be a crossover into the cum and go when both fancy a quickie.

These threads are always the same in that some posters will comment that it never works and it’s always bad even though other posters are quite vocal about how it definitely works for them!

Before I met my bf I had a lovely Fwb, for many years. He now also has a gf that he’s happy with and we couldn’t be happier for each other.

Why not have a few good male friends who come round every so often with flowers, sit and chat for ages, eat, have music on and then have wonderful sex, and then he goes and you have your place to yourself again x bliss.

This of us who have failed FWB, did want exactly that. When I say failed I mean, someone has fallen for the other.

It's exactly what I wanted. I wanted sex and nice evenings. But still wanted my bed to myself, cook my own dinner, watch tv on my own etc.

But me and Dp fell into a relationship. It wasn't the intention for either of us. But we became more relaxed about the 'rules'. He, for example, started wanting to see me before he went to work. He would literally pull up outside, ask how I was and if I needed anything from the shop (as I had ds and he was in bed). Then turned into coming round an hour earlier. Then 2. And because he was there from 8 til 10. I would make his dinner. Then he started popping in on his way back from work, before we got up. Again, just checking I was ok. Then staying til we got up. Then we started having breakfast together, then one would make breakfast and the other would do mine and ds lunches. He then helped me move, took me out and was there when I was sick.

That wasn't what I was looking for. That wasn't my intention. Or his. It just worked out like that. And that's the issue, sometimes these things lead on from the agreed starting point.

There are always expectations in any relationship, these are no different. The confusing thing is that the sex is expected to be good enough to want to keep doing, but not good enough to warrant exclusivity.

If you have an amazing sexual connection with someone it is unlikely that they feel the same connection if they are still happy to fuck other people.

I don't think you both have to have the same degree of sexual connection though, just enough on both sides plus a friendship. And sex can be fantastic but doesn't alter the fact that an exclusive relationship is not possible/wanted

Chestylarue52

When you met your now bf and he asked are you single ? Do you reply yes, or been shagging the same guy for years but yes ?

There's no real difference between FWB and the sort of boyfriend or girlfriend you have when you are young. I doubt most 19 or 20 year olds are expecting to spend the rest of their lives with their current squeeze, but they are still their boyfriend and they would be hurt if the boyfriend found a better option.

The confusing thing is that the sex is expected to be good enough to want to keep doing, but not good enough to warrant exclusivity.

I dunno, I had some pretty mind blowing sex with FWB without any expectation of exclusivity!

I guess what helped was that although we got on well and there was a physical attraction there were also a few other non compatibility issues that made any notion of a long term relationship impossible.

We both used each other as a crutch while we were climbing out of the ruins of abusive relationships and the low self esteem that often comes with that.

She found someone special elsewhere and ended the arrangement. I was genuinely delighted for her. It probably ended at the right time for me as I was also confident enough to re enter the 'serious' dating game and allow myself to get emotionally involved with people again.

They are clearly not for everyone but they definitely worked for me.

You didn't just fall into though. At any point, you could have told him to back off and stop coming before work etc.

A fundamental part of having a fwb that works is that the only thing that changes is sex. If beforehand they don't pop in before work, or be there for dinner or anything else, then this is still the case.

If your mates don't pop round with flowers, chocolates and wine randomly then neither do they when you start fucking unless you say hey on your way pick up wine.

I have the best sex I've ever had with my FWB. But I would never ever want a conventional relationship with him. Wed drive each other nuts. Sexually were compatible otherwise were not.

First we were friends then the benefits started. He comes over around once a week. We have a blether and a catch up have sex have a coffee he goes home. I feel if we ventured into going out places together that it would be heading into dating territory. Something we don't want

We're both have the same wants and expectations of each other & neither wants any more. We're 6 & a half years into it so it certainly works for us.

I had my heart broken by a FWB. Although I would love to have another one as it’s the perfect fit for me.

But watching the man you were in bed with 24hrs ago out on a date with another women is pretty painful. You start to feel there is something wrong with you personally, that you are only good for sex and not the full package, even though I don’t want the full package. It was a mind fuck!

This is a fascinating thread. It's touching on areas of polyamoury which I find super intriguing as it's something I've never been able to do.

Even with FWB. I totally acknowledge that in a true FWB that each are open to see others as long as it's dealt with in a mature and adult way. But...tbh...the sex is so mind blowing, the connection so intimate... why would I want anything else? He's funny and articulate.

It's clearly moved beyond FWB for me. Again, I acknowledge this. I thought I was being clever.

Talk about being hoisted by my own petard. As one poster pointed out and very wisely. You have abandonment issues and yet you are seeing this guy as a FWB? I'd never seen it that way before. I'm guessing it was on my part a way to keep control. How wrong can you be?

This, for me, is the first fully adult relationship where we both outlined very clearly what our expectations where at the start. As time has gone on, we've had the talk on quite a few occasions. We always to back to FWB. Until very recently that is.

As I've said. Fascinating thread.

You didn't just fall into though. At any point, you could have told him to back off and stop coming before work etc.

Yes I could have. But deep down I wanted him to. When it was him popping by for 10 mins that was fine, then if he came earlier it didn't feel a big deal because he was popping in anyway.

I would never do FWB again. Because I got too emotionally involved and ignored the rules. Which is just like me to do that. That doesnt mean i think all fwb dont work. They do. Just not for me. Luckily for me it worked out.

If you have an amazing sexual connection with someone it is unlikely that they feel the same connection if they are still happy to fuck other people.

See, I dont see it like that. I feel relaxed and comfortable with friends. Once there are stronger emotions involved there comes with it the angst and uncertainty. Does he think i look fat? Is he just settling for me until someone better comes along? Or, for me, they start wanting to make plans for the future - either a specific day next month or every Friday night. I'd rather have good sex with someone I'm good friends with and end it if they meet someone else than have a boyfriend.

I like to do what i want when i want to do it. I keep the different parts of my life separate.

Eg I don't socialise with colleagues - ever; I go to gigs etc with my bandmates; I go to classical music concerts with other friends; I go out on friday nights with different people again. I go to festivals on my own; I go camping with my children. I have a man to go on dates and have sex with.

I don't want to cross pollinate these groups and I dont want to involve a man or to explain why I dont want to do this.

Thats not to say boyfriends and friends have never met, but we dont socialise etc together.

I don't understand when women say they fall in love after sex. And I don't like the pressure of expectation from a man that they will become part of your life.

I don't want to marry or live with someone; I don't want anymore children; I don't want to share a bed; I don't have any desire to fall asleep or wake up with someone; I don't want to deal with someone else's habits; smells; sounds... i don't want a 'forever' relationship.

But i do want male company and I do like sex. I have a couple of very good male friends to whom I'm very close and that suits me just fine. Sometimes sex happens and sometimes it doesn't.

I would be disappointed that my plans for the evening had been uninterrupted if the cancelled for a date. I wouldnt be hurt and i wouldnt feel jealous. I havent done yet...

You start to feel there is something wrong with you personally, that you are only good for sex and not the full package, even though I don’t want the full package

I don't get this at all. If you don't want the full package, why would you feel like this?

And surely it works both ways...

@GalateaDunkel

When I met my bf my fwb relationship had already ended - he met his gf first. He told me he’d met someone he really liked and so we stopped having sex while they dated and then they got in a relationship so we stopped altogether. We were both dating other people. And I would have classed myself as single, in that I was free to date, I lived alone, I didn’t class fwb as my boyfriend.

It would have been nice if we could have had a relationship because we had good sex and he is a lovely man but we just weren’t right for each other. His gf now is a more patient woman than I will ever be!

There's no real difference between FWB and the sort of boyfriend or girlfriend you have when you are young. I doubt most 19 or 20 year olds are expecting to spend the rest of their lives with their current squeeze, but they are still their boyfriend and they would be hurt if the boyfriend found a better option.

That’s just not representative of my experience. We used to swap dating notes. When he found his gf - who is a wonderful person and truly suits his personality - I was delighted for him. He’s my friend, I wanted him to be happy. You can choose not to believe me, however others on this thread like @PanGalacticGargleBlaster report the same.

I think the ability to cope with a FWB develops with age and experience. I had a FWB years ago that I developed feelings for. If I’m totally honest now, 20 years later, it wasn’t FWB for me. I wanted more and ended up feeling used. Not really his fault. I knew the score and kept going back.

Now, after an awful LTR and loving being independent I have an occasional FWB that is perfect. We are friends, we can see each other just as friends and sometimes we have sex. I don’t want a relationship with him. He doesn’t want one with me. But we have a lot of respect for one another and the sex is good.

If and when I’m ready for a relationship I wouldn’t see him and he’d understand. He’s dating at the moment so not seen him for a while.

If you can keep it just as that then it’s a nice arrangement. It’s not something I would have been capable of in my younger days despite what I might have told myself. My ex FWB who I actually liked and who hurt me years ago came sniffing back around last year. It was quite empowering to realise I had no respect for him whatsoever

There's no real difference between FWB and the sort of boyfriend or girlfriend you have when you are young

IMO and experience there's absolutely no similarity between the 2. Dating at 19/20 we went out to the pub, we had dinner out, we met & socialised with each other's friends, we met each other's family. Same as dating at a much older age. That is nothing like the FWB arrangement I have

they would be hurt if the boyfriend found a better option.

I think this might be the key part for me. I don’t see my old fwb’s gf as being ‘better than me’. She’s not, she’s just different and better suited to him.

I have high self esteem and think I’m a great person so Im not negatively affected by casual sex as long as the person is polite and kind.

There is a massive difference between relationships when 19 or 20 and fwb. Many at that age do settle down and are still married and committed to each 30 or so years later.
To call someone your boyfriend is an exclusive thing and anyone would be extremely fucked off if they suddenly got dumped for a better option.

Fwb isn't this at all. You are friends who occasionally fuck. You continue doing what you did as mates. If you already went out clubbing, or cinema etc together this continues. The only thing that changes is sex.

If you are jealous that your fwb is talking about others, fucking others etc then it isn't for you and you should reassess what you want which us the exclusivity of a relationship.

When either of you move on, you should be happy that they have found someone they want to have that commitment with.

If you enter into this in the hope that something will develop. Don't get involved.

I've had an fwb a few months. It started as I was tired of OLD and just wanted fun and honesty. I chose someone I liked but didn't feel I'd have chosen for a full on relationship.

It worked well for a couple of months, then I started having feelings for him. He stays over and cuddles for the night as well as having great sex. We've discussed but I have no idea where it's going. I'm not sure I'll do fwb again!

Oh well, I guess we are all different. I'm a guy, for me casual relationships were just that, the sex was decent but I did not feel like I wanted to invite them into my social circle.

When I met someone who I did love, I was quite cynical about the whole thing and I was delighted and amazed at how I felt. I wanted all my friends to meet her and was decidedly chuffed she wanted to be with me. The sex was on a different level to people I was neither really here nor there about other than that I liked them and there was a degree of sexual attraction.

I suppose this experience leads me to conclude that FWB is a pale imitation of the "real deal", but as long as people are happy with their personal relationships i don't judge them.

I learned of course that the more you give and the more of yourself you give then the hurt when it all goes tits up can be immense, but that's the risk you take (or maybe that is my belief for whatever reason). It's tempting to believe you can have the great connection and all that comes with it and not have the risk of getting heartbroken, but that's not the way it works. In my experience at least.