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Relationships

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Original poster

People with FWB situations, can you tell me more?

81 replies

Perfectpanda01 · 29/10/2018 15:07

I have no desire to enter a relationship and this seems like the ideal solution. I just want to feel appreciated and wanted/desirable.

How do you go about it? What do I need to be aware of? I have never done OLD before either.

OP posts:

BeerAndBassGuitars · 30/10/2018 11:44

I've had a couple. Genuine friends. The 'benefits' aspect has long since ended but the friendship pre-dated any benefit and they both ended amicably.

No problems.

If any feelings had developed in either side that would have been problematic.

BeerAndBassGuitars · 30/10/2018 11:46

There is a simple enough test I think. Suppose your FWB has arranged to come round at the weekend, he cancels because he is meeting someone else he would rather shag. Do you feel hurt ? If so then it's probably not for you

This is very true.

Lorddenning1 · 30/10/2018 12:04

Suppose your FWB has arranged to come round at the weekend, he cancels because he is meeting someone else he would rather shag. Do you feel hurt ? If so then it's probably not for you........

I second this test, i think i would care

Original poster

Perfectpanda01 · 30/10/2018 12:15

Well why wouldn't you care though? I would like to be the only one my FWB is sleeping with, obviously with pre-discussion of that fact. It would be a personal slight if he wanted to sleep with others!

OP posts:

DogDayMorning · 30/10/2018 12:18

I too think the 'cancelled for a better shag' test is a good one, I would feel deeply offended if either of mine did that... because it's not a friendly, respectful thing to do. Which shows I think that the FWB label means different things to different people, depending on what you expect from a friend and what benefits you want and are willing to give. There are no hard and fast rules, but sensitivity and good manners are as key for me as really good sex and making each other laugh.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 12:19

OP, I don't think it works that way.

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/10/2018 12:38

That's not how it works op.

My knew I wanted to know if he was sleeping with anyone else, so I could make a decision if I wanted to continue. He felt the same. But as I said. We ended in a relationship.

If you spend time with someone, get on, show affection, have sex and are exclusive...That's a relationship.

BeerAndBassGuitars · 30/10/2018 12:39

Well why wouldn't you care though? I would like to be the only one my FWB is sleeping with

Becaise there's no commitment or 'relationship' boundaries with a fwb.

Mine were both good friends. I dont knowof either were sleeping with anyone else. It didnt matter. We were friends amd we still are friends. It was a purely sexual arrangement.

I insist on complete monogamy in a romantic relationship but i like the fact that, in a fwb relationship, there are no such expectations on either side.

You have no claims to their time; to their body; to their commitment; to their feelings and they have none to yours out side of the parameters of a friendship.

A fuck buddy is different. I had one once amd it was ok - the sex was great but, without a friendship, I lost interest very quickly.

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 12:39

perfectpanda

I am totally with you. 99% of people would care. The only reason you wouldn't care is if you don't really care what they think about the "amazing" sex.

DogDayMorning

If you have more than one FWB on the go, and they do to, given busy adult lives etc at some point you will find yourself deprioritised over the others, the plain truth of it is because they would rather have sex with them than you.

This is what it boils down to, and I suspect that most people in so called FWB relationships don't really think about it.

ZestyMaximus · 30/10/2018 12:41

A monogomous FWB? Sounds like you're after a relationship. Just not one that talks about plans for the future right now

Notacluewhatthisis · 30/10/2018 12:43

And yes I would have been so hurt if he had cancelled on me to shag someone else. Not because it's unfriendly (though it is. Cancelling plans with one friend because another calls up isn't what friends do) but because he was shagging someone else.

But our FWB didn't work out well as FWB.

DogDayMorning · 30/10/2018 12:52

Galatea yes of course, that goes without saying, and it cuts both ways - my point was that if an arrangement has been made with a friend, it doesn't get cancelled because a better offer with a different friend comes along. That's how I operate my friendships. Of course the friend can choose to spare my feelings by lying about the reason, in which case I wouldn't know so can't be offended! But if the FWB said 'sorry babe, she's more shaggable so I'm cancelling Saturday night', I would regard that as just plain rude, and the Christmas card list would get shorter!

BeerAndBassGuitars · 30/10/2018 12:55

my point was that if an arrangement has been made with a friend, it doesn't get cancelled because a better offer with a different friend comes along

I agree with this. I was taking the cancel because he'd rather shag someone else to be illustrative rather than literal.

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 13:12

It is meant to be illustrative, but it's easy to imagine how it would come about without such frankness.

He might meet someone he wants to give more to, that's allowed and an acceptable reason for blowing you off. Can happen at any time.

It could be like oh well she's away next week so I wanted to catch up with (shag) her before then. But it's ok because I can see you the week after. Now a cup of coffee with a friend being postponed so that your friend can meet someone else doesn't usually elicit the same response as a postponed shag so they can shag someone else first.

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 13:17

It's also a statement about the sex I think. As in the sex is all right, but it's likely something better will come along, and I want to keep my options open. Contrast this with the claims it is "amazing". Anyway, it's not for me.

DogDayMorning · 30/10/2018 13:21

Not entirely sure I've fully got your point there Galatea - sorry, I'm being thick! - but I think we are violently agreeing. Yes, new shag trumps coffee/familiar shag, but nothing trumps kindness and good manners in how the message comes across.

PanGalaticGargleBlaster · 30/10/2018 13:22

FWB arrangements can and do work but you need to be very honest with yourself as to where your head is.

Also, just because the relationship is primarily sex based it does not mean you treat each other with no respect or behave in a flaky fashion.

Previous FWBs I have been in generally involved meeting about twice a month, we would go out for an evening (pub, dinner,cinema etc) and spend the night together.

In my case I had semi recently come out of a pretty abusive relationship and was just wanted some no pressure fun.

We were allowed to date other people and if one of those dates had the potential to turn into something more serious we would let the other person know.

I met one FWB via a conventional dating site and the other on a 'swingers' site.

My last FWB lasted about 18 months, she is now married as am I, we are still friends although obviously we see a lot less of each other.

Renarde1975 · 30/10/2018 13:22

Just some musings from me. I entered into the FWB because I really wanted to prove to myself that I could have sex without getting the feels.

I'm still clueless about this!

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 13:28

I guess for me DogDay it's like if you really had no feelings, you wouldn't care whichever way it was delivered. As a matter of fact if one of my friends cancelled on me so they could go and shag someone they found hot, I would be delighted for them.

DogDayMorning · 30/10/2018 13:32

Ha ha Galatea and I would be offended! We're all different I guess

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 13:35

Well, I might be a little disappointed, but I certainly would not be thinking, "why does he want to meet them and not me?" ..... knowing full well the answer

something2say · 30/10/2018 13:35

Your post at the bottom of page one is very telling, Renard.....

You say your fear is abandonment, yet you have set up a non committed relationship with this FWB guy......

My view on this stuff changed. I decided to have the courage to say what I wanted, which was a full on life partner. I didn't entertain anyone else. And guess what? I got it.

You've also got what you asked for.....but is what you asked for what you want? In your shoes now, I'd pull back from that man and say I want more, and if you can't give it then I need to cut my losses and go and search for it. If he loves you, he will follow you and make the commitment you deserve.

However isn't this a FWB thread?? Sorry!!!

The lady who wrote so eloquently at the beginning off the thread wins it for me. Why not have a few good male friends who come round every so often with flowers, sit and chat for ages, eat, have music on and then have wonderful sex, and then he goes and you have your place to yourself again x bliss.

GalateaDunkel · 30/10/2018 13:42

something2say

How can you have "wonderful" sex and at the same time not care if he turns around and says, "sorry, that's not happening again". The whole thing is somewhat of a fantasy arrangement unless you can be honest and say that the sex is all right but not something you would really miss.

something2say · 30/10/2018 13:45

Reading page two here, something else has struck me....

Gallatea refers to meeting women as 'something better comes along' and I feel women to men like this, in that frame of mind, would see women a shame commodities. Calling them things and thinking they will come along.

The friendship element is missing.

Therefore, there are grades of FWB. I would not entertain the internet based lad about town thinking he can ring me up late at night and expect to turn up half cut and find my legs open. No.

However, the intelligent man with a busy life, passing thro town, whom I know I saw single and means I get to apply makeup after work and go on a solo mission across town to a smart bar, where he stands in suit and aftershave.....ready for a night of flirting and sex, and then off he goes....only to text me the next day saying he will be in town on X date etc. Yes.

Poor quality FWB no, hot date man yes.

something2say · 30/10/2018 13:47

Gallatea, the FEB scene is not for me. Perhaps this is more obvious to others than to I! I said to tinder 'I want forever' and I got it. So far. However this may be based on us as people, as P would not behave like he is to me towards others, he has told me. He was going out a lot when we met, now we are in bed early most nights and planning dinners. But he is HOT between the sheets. So thank you tinder, hookup site.

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