My marriage has ended and I need support and survival tips

[Justme1981]

Hi all
Ive posted here in the past, in brief together 14years, married 5, have a nearly 2yr old, things go from bad to worse then ok for a bit then terrible again, in summary we spend practically no time together he is out 5.30-7 fri/sat/sun for work i work mon-thurs we split childcare, hes never bonded with ds although is getting better with time, great at the fun stuff but we have v little family time unless i book leave, he always says his time off is declined or gets the time at v short notice so we cant go away for a weekend or plan anything e.g take ds to a show. We just exist alongside each other we barely kiss, no sex & to be honest i dont want to have sex with him anymore, when we row its horrible, not so long ago he threw his wedding band at me, will often block my car in so im late for work as i have to wait for him to move it. Ive been trying really hard to make it work making his tea for when he gets back, buying treats, doing bulk of evening childcare bedtime, getting up in mornings etc. But its just not working. Last night we had an incident nothing major but it made me realise he doesnt love me. I feel trapped. We've had counselling which didnt work he completely manipulated her, ive tried talking it just makes things worse, i tried to leave but how horrible/vile he would be about ds & money has forced me to stay. Ive had legal advice in past - i need to stay in our home to make the best case for childcare (yep he wants full custody if we split).
So any tips for surviving? Unless he leaves im trapped at least until ds is much much older...
Thank you for reading

• [Message from MNHQ: title edited at OP's request]

He wouldn't get "full custody" though, it would be 50/50 as it pretty much is now. Who has advised you that he would get what he wants?

Tbh, the only way of continuing is to be working on your plan to separate and divorce. No one should have to put up with his petty behaviour and a loveless relationship. It also won't be good for your son in the long run either.

It's not working and it doesn't sound as though it ever will! So where does he think he's going to find the time to look after D's full time, if he's so busy working and all the other stuff? Tbh, they all say they'll go for full time custody just to frighten the wife.

I'd be making my plans to get out tbh. You need to rent a place (2 beds)and then quietly move out. Not sure what your finances are like but your Ds will be eligible for free hours at a nursery soon.

Life with this abusive prick sounds like a nightmare, and you can't go on like this much longer. Get your ducks in a row, as MN says!

Thanks for the replies, hes told me he would fight me for every minute with ds & quit his job, he would live with family i will continue to rent, my solicitor has advised me not to move out or i will make his case stronger. I can afford to continue to rent where we live on my own thats not a problem - although money would be tight! Also annoyingly even though i earn more & paid deposit the agents put him as lead tennant so i cant reclaim the deposit i paid! (Separate issue). Moving out isnt an option :-(

Moving out isn't an option right now, but what would you need to be able to make that happen, even if it takes a while? So can you save for a deposit and first month's rent? Anything you can sell to help build a moving out fund?

Do you have any family or friends that could help you with this?

It would surely make everything a little more bearable if you know you have a plan. I cannot see how moving into another rented property on your own with your DS would be any different to where you are now. Your DH may well say that he would fight you, but do you really think he actually would? And even if he tries, things aren't just going to go the way he wants.

Op, you really need out of this relationship. You and DS deserve to be happy. He will not get custody of DS. What a horrible situation to be in. 💐

Honestly moving out cant happen, also i absolutely love my home.
No friends or family who can help me, its just me & ds. I havent had a night out with friends since before ds was born & cant have one either as he wont look after ds in night if hes working, im too knackered after work & if i book time off it has to be to spend time as family.
Yes he would definitely become very nasty & fight me for ds (& money)
I just dont know how to keep going anymore

Aim to separate eventually but for now live separately in the same property.
If you think he can take it and not get abusive talk to him about it and explain what will be happening.
Can you have your own room?
Cook for yourself and DS if that is at all practical and won't cause too much hassle from him. For instance could you you maybe just leave his food ready for him to cook himself when he gets in?
Go out with friends and have fun that doesn't depend on him.
Regard him as a housemate.

I know this scenario may be practically impossible.

If nothing else get your head into the mode of thinking of yourself as independent of him for a life, fun, comfort, support or financially if at all possible. Think of yourself as an independent and strong woman who is making her own way.
Good luck

Babysitter.

You sound defeated and controlled. There are ways to take your power back and feel like you've got a forward plan. I appreciate that this is your home and you don't want to move, but sometimes these things are necessary for longer term gain.

Can you really not save at all for a new deposit and rent? What were you thinking of doing when your DS starts school in a couple of years - will your working arrangements have to change to manage school drop off/pick up?

I feel for you.

Is it an option to take a day off, don't tell your H and take the day to get your head straight? Maybe meet a friend who can help you through this?

Don't settle for a miserable life just because the thought of leaving is too overwhelming. Life is so short.

Channel your energy into finding a way out of this, be calm and get ready. It's going to be tough, but for your and your DS's future happiness, it's time to get clever, and get planning. Good luck

He won't even look after your child on his own so you can go out, I bet your bottom dollar he won't go for full custody. It's a threat to keep you in your place.

Talk to women's aid. You need an exit plan and support.

If you have already had legal advice you should know that he will not get full custody. You do sound ground down, but it is possible to get out of this, survive and be happy. First out you need to accept that this will probably mean moving eventually. Yes it is unbearably hard to uproot your children, but a family makes a home and not bricks. If you accept this then you can make plans and move forward.

Thank you for all your replies.
My solicitor advised not to move as he would have a strong case to be main carer, if i stay she can argue differently.
I think you are right plasticalternative i need to try to focus on me, live separately & try to have fun.
I cant see a way out short of him leaving which is unlikely but not impossible. Im hoping when ds is at school if things still like this then at least he can say what he wants, im also planning to change my hours to over 5 days so i can do pick up/drop offs. Very worried ds will get no quality time with dh when hes at school, as he has no plans to change his hours etc

Thank you everyone for your support,

Please talk to both Womens Aid and the Rights of Women organisations if you have not already done so. Those organisations can help you put together a safe exit plan.

It will do both you and your son no favours at all to remain within such an atmosphere, do you want your son to grow up thinking that yes, this is how you treat women?. No you do not. Keeping him with his dad will just expose your son and you to yet more emotional abuse; abuse that your son will pick up on. Whilst you are together you cannot fully protect your son from his dad's abuses of you.

Is your Solicitor all that well versed in the ways of abusive men; I would look into seeking further advice on the points this person has made here. You are really not safe emotionally to remain with such a man.

Living separately but together in the same property will not work out due to his abuse of you.

Your son won't be in full time education for another 3 years yet and the situation now let alone then if you stay with your H is untenable. Why would you want him to spend any time with his son given how he treats you and in turn him?. His actions towards both of you are not loving ones. Decent men do not ever abuse the mother of their child. The threat also to quit his job is also said to get out of paying child maintenance. That should also tell you he really does not care about his child.

Your home is not a home and is ultimately brick and mortar. It is a warzone and its not your fault that your husband has decided to conduct his own private based war against you.

He has and is using all the tactics in his arsenal that such abusive men use. His threats re wanting full custody are said to keep you where you are now and are uttered to control you. It works and that is why they say such things. You are kept cowering in the corner. He does not care about his son either but knows that he is your achilles heel and he will manipulate you via him accordingly. He will act the same post separation and divorce; he won't suddenly become a better person then either. He will still continue to use access arrangements to beat you about the head with.

I would certainly formalise any access arrangements made, no informal arrangement should ever be made. No to mediation as well if this has at all been suggested.

Hmmm I think you need some different legal advice to be honest. I know lots of people who have lived in rented, marriage broke down, bloke is unbearable, woman has to move because bloke is staying put, custody is 50/50. Your home isn’t owned. It’s only a rental. Your landlord could decide he wants the house back next month and you’d have to make plans to move anyway. Custody isn’t going to be based on who lives in a rental property! As long as you find yourself another decent rental and your kids lives/schools/friends etc stay the same then custody will be split 50/50. There is no way (unless you go live in a tent!) that any judge is going to full against you for custody if you are in possession of a warm, safe, solid home environment. Move to one closer to the school/grandparents! Then you’ve got even more in your favour! Even alcoholic mothers have custody (and yes I know one) so don’t get over emo and assume stuff. Speak to women’s aid and get the advice of a different solicitor. You have zero equity in your home so there is zero benefit to staying other than avoiding the ball ache of moving. When considering custody the court always rules on what is in the best interest of the child. Moving away from a difficult/stressful/loveless marriage is in the best interest of the child. 50/50 as long as both parents are decent is also in best interest and that will always be a courts starting point. I also would take any threats with a pinch of salt. You realise it all has to go to mediation first right? He’d have to explain to a fully qualified and experienced professional exactly why he should get full custody before it even hits a court room and he’s going to look like a right wally if he says “because I’m in the rented house” which you then would say “well I’m in a lovely safe rented house too which in fact is closer to family and school” then what else has he got to say in his favour? Nothing. You leaving the marriage is not a reason for full custody to be awarded to him. You’re not abysive to him or the kids and you are happy to share custody? Don’t let fear make you stay.

Thanks both, i know its awful role modelling for ds, i hope he forgives me one day. I also know i could be happy with someone else or on my own, the only thing keeping me is ds & how truly vile dh would be if we split, i couldnt do that to ds.
Thank you all for the support

Thanks cawfee hadnt seen your message when i posted.its tricky as i have no family near me, he would move to his family, which is approx 20miles from where we are now. He would say hes close to grandparents etc as well as saying hed quit work to look after ds which i could never do. Its a mess

Justme,

Re your comments in quote marks (which I have separated out):-

"Thanks both, i know its awful role modelling for ds, i hope he
forgives me one day".

It is awful modelling for your DS and despite that you're still thinking about staying with his dad?. With all due respect you need to give your head a bloody wobble here. Your son won't forgive you as his mum for staying with his abusive father because he could and will call you daft for staying. You cannot and must not use him as a reason to stay with his dad. It could also affect your own relationship with him going forward because he could well accuse you of putting his father who would continue to abuse you before him.

"I also know i could be happy with someone else or on my own, the only thing keeping me is ds & how truly vile dh would be if we split, i couldnt do that to ds".

You think your DS is not being at all affected by what is going on at home because he is too young. Even if he cannot express himself all that well as yet he is picking up on ALL the vibes and antipathy here all too well. He sees your reactions both spoken and unspoken to all this and sound travels.

You cannot and should not stay for the sake of the child; its a huge mistake on your part to do that. Please get a hold of yourself here and think this through properly. Do you not think your H is vile enough already?. Both your son and you would be far worse off emotionally if you were both to remain with this man. Your son will continue to see you being abused by his dad and he will learn from that as well as your reactions to same. Your son and you would be better off on your own without him in your day to day lives. By staying with this man, you actively stop yourself from meeting a decent man and one truly worthy of you. This man is not fit to clean your shoes.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?

What would you advise another person in this situation?.

Fear amongst other reasons keeps women and men in abusive relationships but you can and should break free of this man. He will imprison you both otherwise in a cage of his own paranoid making.

Do not let fear make you stay and I would certainly seek another lot of legal advice. I do not personally think that your solicitor is at all well versed in the ways of abusive men.

You are also not safe to do any mediation with him because you are a victim of his abuses. Mediation is never advisable to people in abusive relationships.

He saying that he will quit work to look after DS is a ploy sometimes used by abusive men to get out of paying child maintenance. He could really not give a shiny shit about his son either and would be quite happy to leave him in penury.

he wont look after ds in night if hes working

Yet he wants full custody

Loads of men say they want full custody as a way of controlling women...it's usually bullshit, especially once they realise how much work it will be and how much it will curtail their work/social life.

Its totally common for dps to threaten to take child. Thats one of their ploys. But look around you..when does it happen. He is full of bullshit. Remember judges meet these kind of guys everyday and are well aware of their carry on. So don't let that threat stop you.its all bravado. Get a plan together even if it takes a while. Don't discuss it with him until you are ready. You can get out of this situation and you will.

Thank you for you comprehensive & considered replies, i really dont feel abused, its just a rubbish relationship that when i tried to end it got v nasty & would be much worse for ds if we split. At least whilst we are together i can give ds loves everyday, snuggle him, give him the comfort he needs & deserves. Dh doesnt do confort, he wont tell ds he loves him. If we split he would half or more of the week without being told he is loved, without cuddles or comfort if hes hurt. The thought if that breaks my heart. When i tried to end it he told me he would do his best to cut me out of his & ds's lives, i challenged that he couldnt explained it would be best for ds if we were at least civil, he said he didnt give a f@ck, id wasted so much of his life.
As i say we (ds & i ) are better off if i stay.

Don't stay. This is awful.

Phone Women's Aid - they will help you with your plan to leave.

I’m not sure if you are saying that he doesn’t love you or that you don’t love him? And the point about your DH manipulating the counsellor when you tried counselling... I’m sceptical because you really don’t seem aware of how your hostility is going to affect whether he behaves in a loving way toward you.
There is no intimacy in your relationship- which you freely admit is down to you - and yet he has just done ‘something, or some incident?’ recently that tells you that he doesn’t love you - so even though you don’t love him he should love you? Have I got this right?