My marriage has ended and I need support and survival tips

[Justme1981]

Hi all
Ive posted here in the past, in brief together 14years, married 5, have a nearly 2yr old, things go from bad to worse then ok for a bit then terrible again, in summary we spend practically no time together he is out 5.30-7 fri/sat/sun for work i work mon-thurs we split childcare, hes never bonded with ds although is getting better with time, great at the fun stuff but we have v little family time unless i book leave, he always says his time off is declined or gets the time at v short notice so we cant go away for a weekend or plan anything e.g take ds to a show. We just exist alongside each other we barely kiss, no sex & to be honest i dont want to have sex with him anymore, when we row its horrible, not so long ago he threw his wedding band at me, will often block my car in so im late for work as i have to wait for him to move it. Ive been trying really hard to make it work making his tea for when he gets back, buying treats, doing bulk of evening childcare bedtime, getting up in mornings etc. But its just not working. Last night we had an incident nothing major but it made me realise he doesnt love me. I feel trapped. We've had counselling which didnt work he completely manipulated her, ive tried talking it just makes things worse, i tried to leave but how horrible/vile he would be about ds & money has forced me to stay. Ive had legal advice in past - i need to stay in our home to make the best case for childcare (yep he wants full custody if we split).
So any tips for surviving? Unless he leaves im trapped at least until ds is much much older...
Thank you for reading

• [Message from MNHQ: title edited at OP's request]

Justme1981

re your comment:-
"Thank you, im trying to decide if i can leave it til after christmas although the thought of another miserable christmas with him is depressing ... i just dont know"

Such thinking is partly the reason why Solicitors are so busy in January.

I would seriously consider making the break now rather than after Christmas. Staying at all with him till January gives him more weeks to abuse you and in turn your son. He is not going to be amicable or reasonable when it comes to separation and will likely use this child as a punishment for you leaving him.

You have a choice re this man, your son does not. He needs decent male role models his dad is not that person.

He is really your common or garden abusive man; practically all abusive men refuse to leave so you will have to employ legal means to get him out of your home and day to day lives.

Keep writing here, get decent legal advice and call the Rights of Women and Womens Aid for further support. I will raise a glass to you the day you get him gone.

Atila you are completely right, i'll try again to speak with rights of women this week, whatever happens i think i will have ruined christmas im just relieved ds wont remember all this, thank you again for your support apart from ds mumsnet is the only thing keeping me going

Its over well my marriage is anyway, tried to talk tonight, didnt go well he was cold, cruel, i know im doing the right thing, but im TERRIFIED i will lose my son, someone anyone please send support

Don't panic, you won't lose your son. He is using those threats specifically because they terrify you and he knows it has that effect on you.

Once you've had a chance to get rid of the adrenaline, just keep thinking about your long term goal and what the small steps are that you can keep taking to get you there. In the meantime treat your husband like a flat mate, be civil but get on with what you need to do for you and your son.

Thank you assinated im definitely panicking right now!

See if you can turn that fear into anger. He's choosing to do this to you, and to put your DS into this kind of atmosphere.

Have you thought more about booking a day off work and just going somewhere nice for the day? Even if it's just a bit of window shopping or something. Just a chance to get some head space for a bit.

Im not going in tomorrow, my friend is working from home shes said i can go to hers & get myself straight. I feel sick.

Thank you for your support

Oh that's great that your friend has offered to do that for you. Is she the kind of friend you can talk to about this? Some real life support is always good.

Yes shes a newish friend but has been through a marriage ending with a small person, im so grateful shes in my life, thank you so much for your support cant tell you how much it means