My marriage has ended and I need support and survival tips

[Justme1981]

Hi all
Ive posted here in the past, in brief together 14years, married 5, have a nearly 2yr old, things go from bad to worse then ok for a bit then terrible again, in summary we spend practically no time together he is out 5.30-7 fri/sat/sun for work i work mon-thurs we split childcare, hes never bonded with ds although is getting better with time, great at the fun stuff but we have v little family time unless i book leave, he always says his time off is declined or gets the time at v short notice so we cant go away for a weekend or plan anything e.g take ds to a show. We just exist alongside each other we barely kiss, no sex & to be honest i dont want to have sex with him anymore, when we row its horrible, not so long ago he threw his wedding band at me, will often block my car in so im late for work as i have to wait for him to move it. Ive been trying really hard to make it work making his tea for when he gets back, buying treats, doing bulk of evening childcare bedtime, getting up in mornings etc. But its just not working. Last night we had an incident nothing major but it made me realise he doesnt love me. I feel trapped. We've had counselling which didnt work he completely manipulated her, ive tried talking it just makes things worse, i tried to leave but how horrible/vile he would be about ds & money has forced me to stay. Ive had legal advice in past - i need to stay in our home to make the best case for childcare (yep he wants full custody if we split).
So any tips for surviving? Unless he leaves im trapped at least until ds is much much older...
Thank you for reading

• [Message from MNHQ: title edited at OP's request]

OP if you haven't already, get a notebook and make yourself a record of all the threats and abusive actions of your partner. And I mean every single thing, every time.

I think if you start to see all the events listed by date in black and white you will understand why we are all saying this is not a healthy environment for you and your DC.

This is obviously is addition to following the other excellent advice here re seeking support and help via the correct channels. I just think that you haven't really made that link in your head as to the severity of your situation and why no-one is offering the advice you want re staying put.

Thank you all
Re car parking there is plenty of space here, he can very easily not block me in but chooses to & refuses to move it until the morning.
Ive started to keep a log in my phone of when things happen, im terrified hed find a note book,
Some days are fine, he will make me a cuppa or my tea & i'll think we can get through it. Then others are awful, & the pain is physical i feel trapped, alone & i cant stop crying.
We havent kissed for over a week, i know thats not normal in a marriage.
I'll call the rights of women helpline next friday, i wont be able to until then due their short hours, hopefully they can help.
Thank you for all the replies - its good to know there is someone out there

As I've made clear, I am enraged you were discharged by your local WA. Someone needs better - actually, basic - training

Please try them again if you've the courage?

Also do the Freedom Programme in person. You will meet so many people and get some excellent links, tips and support from both the facilitators and others on the course. Priceless.

Keep going. You'll make it. The time will come when he doesn't terrify you - in fact you will see him for the little runt he is or is that a typo 🌸 💐

Thanks - ive just looked at the freedom programme, read their free chapter on the bully. Its like a light bulb has gone off My dh is a controlling bully, im sat here in floods of tears, ive no where to go, i dont know what to do, i dont want my ds treating women like this, he loved me once, how did this happen? Ive no rl support, i dont know what to do sorry im rambling, i dont know how i got in this mess or how to get out of it, fuck

Oh you poor thing. Have a virtual hug and some  and some .

You don't have to do anything right now. Just start thinking about what you want long term and then once you've thought about that, how you might get there, even if it takes a while.

Can you take a day off work as holiday (no need to mention to your husband), and have a think about things?

There were meant to be flowers and a cup of tea emoticons in the first sentence!

Thank you,
yes i can take a day off i'd have to go out as if going to work, my heads all over the place, i dont know how this happened, its such a mess

Ah op I remember the moment it became apparent I was in an abusive relationship - a horrible time, I remember it well.

This is the worst bit! It will pass. Get along to the Freedom Programme - do the course with others. It helps with the shock to do it with others on the course - the situation is often too shocking to cope with alone. Have you looked at the 'find a course' link to find a course near you? Do go along, it is wonderful.

Be kind to yourself, you're in shock at the moment

It's not your fault he's like this. He's like this with anyone, it's not you.

If he is a controlling bully then that's what he is, it has nothing to do with him being in love with you once. Some people don't know how not to control and bully, it's how they do things. It's nothing to do with you.

What I'm saying is, don't take this personally. It's shocking when you realise what's been going on but HOLD ON, the shock will pass

Hi, I’m not going to tell you to leave because that’s not always for the best. You know what’s best for you and DC. I’m in a similar situation and make the best of it, doesn’t mean I won’t leave one day but I’ll know when the time is right for my children x

You can start divorce proceedings even if you are still living in the same house.

Hi OP - I can't help much with advise in terms of getting out but in regards to your deposit I might be able to offer some advice.

Is your deposit held with the TDS or DPS? I have more knowledge on the DPS - so if you're with them then they've scrapped the 'lead tenant' thing. Now all named tenants will be notified at the end of a tenancy of any deduction claims and the first one to respond essentially becomes the lead tenant and then deals with the claim.

If they have only listed your partner on the deposit then you can still be added on to it, it's a very simple process so you're not at risk of losing out.

Like I said that's all in relation to the DPS but I can find more info on the TDS if you need. (Or any other scheme your landlord has used)

Thanks all sorry for the delayed reply. Im not sure who the deposit is held with - i will find out.
I tried calling rights of women but couldnt get through, sadly i think they are very busy.
I need to find a solicitor for second opinion, can anyone recomend a good one in staffs? I do really like my current one & is highly recomended but based on what people are saying here i need a second opinion.

Your situatsounds awful, but you want to have your cake and eat it. If you really want to leave this parody of a marriage you will. Get a new Solicitor, move out. Ignore his threats. He’s a bully. He won’t get custody. Be brave, stop making excuses and just do it.

Situation

Wow that was harsh, not sure what ypu mean about wanting to have my cake & eat it? i wish it was that easy to leave but the reality is its a mess

This isn't a loveless marriage where you can rub alongside each other. It has curdled into hate on his side. I hope you have the strength and support you need to leave.

Thank you thoughtfox ive got no real support in RL as i rarely see my friends & no close family, hence posting on here for support

I think you are being sensible OP and not rushing into an ill thought out plan. I'm guessing that you are in the shocked state of just realising that your marriage isn't what you thought it was.

Now that you are starting to see the light, preparing and planning for a well managed exit with the least negative impact on you and the DC is your best course of action.

Keep posting and keep going with your research into your rental deposit and legal situation.

Thank you, im trying to decide if i can leave it til after christmas although the thought of another miserable christmas with him is depressing ... i just dont know.

Moononthehill28 Great if you managed to cut all ties & make the leap of seperating as soon as your mind was made up . However others find it slightly (a lot ) more daunting & your “have your cake & eat it “ comment is really unhelpful

OP your situation really resonated with me.ive recently separated from my physically and mentally abusive husband after 16 years of marriage. My children are teens so it has taken me years to get to this point. I completely understand your fears and worries about whether you are jumping from the frying pan into the fire.
The mistake I made was naively thinking he would become a nicer father if we seperated. He hasn't and I was daft to think he might. He is currently being abusive and vile but as I've finally got him out of the house there is no way I'm ever letting him back in. It's so sad but you have to accept that when the love dies it often gets replaced with resentment and hatred.

Leave. You can't live like this. Try to get evidence, safely, for the shit things he says and does. Screenshot texts/messages etc. He might say he wants custody but I suspect that's to control you and keep you in your place. If you have no real life support, plz contact women's aid or similar and keep posting here if it's helpful. Many women have been through similar and come out the other side. He sounds like an arsehole. It's good your son is young and won't remember this. If you stay his view of relationships will be skewed and sounds like his dad is a horrible role model. Sounds miserable, hope you can find the strength to leave - or get rid of him - asap.

Would it help to think about Christmas as being about you and your son, whilst your husband is just there by default, iyswim? So just concentrate on what you want to do for you and for your DS.

Meanwhile, keep thinking about your long term plans, and the small steps you can keep taking to get you there. You are stronger than you think and you can get there.

Thank you all for your supporr
Zerrin well done for getting out, i hope things are better for you now?
Assinated yes that makes sense, & i think what i will probably have to do re christmas.
i just dont know which way is up anymore, i just wish he would leave, im not scared of being on my own, but am scared about how vile he would be about ds.