My marriage has ended and I need support and survival tips

[Justme1981]

Hi all
Ive posted here in the past, in brief together 14years, married 5, have a nearly 2yr old, things go from bad to worse then ok for a bit then terrible again, in summary we spend practically no time together he is out 5.30-7 fri/sat/sun for work i work mon-thurs we split childcare, hes never bonded with ds although is getting better with time, great at the fun stuff but we have v little family time unless i book leave, he always says his time off is declined or gets the time at v short notice so we cant go away for a weekend or plan anything e.g take ds to a show. We just exist alongside each other we barely kiss, no sex & to be honest i dont want to have sex with him anymore, when we row its horrible, not so long ago he threw his wedding band at me, will often block my car in so im late for work as i have to wait for him to move it. Ive been trying really hard to make it work making his tea for when he gets back, buying treats, doing bulk of evening childcare bedtime, getting up in mornings etc. But its just not working. Last night we had an incident nothing major but it made me realise he doesnt love me. I feel trapped. We've had counselling which didnt work he completely manipulated her, ive tried talking it just makes things worse, i tried to leave but how horrible/vile he would be about ds & money has forced me to stay. Ive had legal advice in past - i need to stay in our home to make the best case for childcare (yep he wants full custody if we split).
So any tips for surviving? Unless he leaves im trapped at least until ds is much much older...
Thank you for reading

• [Message from MNHQ: title edited at OP's request]

You're not right Dadaist. Not sure what you're trying to achieve with your post.

Justme1981 he is controlling you with threats of what he might do should you leave. I can totally understand how you feel about that, and that you want to protect your son from your husband's disinterested parenting. It can't continue like this though, as being in this environment will also be damaging for your son.

Hi Justme,

What is your definition of abuse?.

Honestly just both your son and you would be a lot worse off emotionally if you stay. You really do not want to spend the rest of your life living in regret and you have yourself stated this is poor modelling for your son. Is this what you want to teach him about relationships; his dad abusing you whilst you run around as his mother trying and failing to protect your son from you being abused. You staying is NOT going to help either of you in the long run and your son could well wonder of you why you were so weak and kept putting his dad first and before him too.

Fear keeps you within this amongst other reasons. You cannot protect your son from his father's abuses of you and in turn him. You are not managing to do so now. His father does not give a shit about him because if he did he would not abuse his mother. He cares not a jot for either of you, only his own self. What he has said to you re you both is unforgiveable.

Do not remain fearful of him because that is what he wants. By staying you are handing over yourself and your son to him on a plate. You have a choice re this man, your son does not. Make a better choice. OP is not so much hostile here towards her so called husband but afraid and fearful.

Dadaist - What OP really describes here is the nice/nasty cycle of abuse and that is a continuous one. OPs husband has threatened to both quit his job and go for full custody. He really does know how to hurt the OP here. Abusive men always manipulate counsellors and that is one reason why joint counselling is never advisable where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. Like many such relationships of this type also the abuser never co-operates.

Do you also really think Just that your H would actually want custody even half the week?. That opinion of yours certainly does not tally at all with what he has himself said to you. He blames you OP for he being the ways he is when the fault lies with his own self. Abusive men always blame someone else, its never ever their fault in their heads. He is controlling you still and using your son too, your most precious resource, to do that. Its no legacy to leave your son either.

Why did you post here, op ?

Did you hope you would find some support in you staying with an abusive man. Not going to happen.

I think you could stay in a marriage where you weren't 'in love' any more and were just friends, who treated each other respectfully and co-parented. But not in an unhappy situation like yours.
As we are just off to see the Queen biopic at the cinema here are some words from Freddie that seem to apply very aptly to your situation:

I want to break free from your lies
You're so self satisfied I don't need you
I've got to break free
God knows, God knows I want to break free

It appears to me that you are looking for excuses to stay, or basically despite good advice on here have already decided you have no plans to leave. I did not realise that you are already in rented, so you do not have the issue of fighting over the sale of the fmh. I cannot fathom why you are reluctant to leave as basically it will damage the loving relationship your son has with his father after all you have said. If your husband looks elsewhere for female company in this loveless marriage that decision may well be taken out of your hands and you will not have any choice.

I would suggest getting a second legal opinion. You are setting great store by what that solicitor said, so I think it's worth checking that what they said is correct. As your revolting husband sounds abusive I query whether the original solicitor gave you sound advice - did you tell them everything you have said here?

Please get some help and consult a different solicitor. As previous posters have said this is not a 'loveless marriage' it's a war zone. Staying is unhealthy for you and very definitely bad for the DC involved.

Don't 'stay for the kids', you aren't helping them. I can tell first hand how bloody scary it is as a child to live in an environment like this. It's had a lasting impact on my life and makes it really hard for me to trust anyone at all.

OK - I hadn’t read the full thread - there is clearly a nasty side to OPs DH and relationship that didn’t come across on initial post.

Thank you all for the replies im late to respond as ive been out all day with ds. You have all given me alot to think about,
To the person who asked why i posted, i was very low, no one to talk to in rl who i know to be in a similiar situation, i wanted support, advice from those who have been through similiar & may be in abetter place now or who can just say its ok. Thats why i posted.
To the person who asked i do love my husband, ive been trying so hard to make it work, but i can see he no longer feels the same. The lack of intimacy was not down to me, he went off me when i was pregnant & although i tried several times has not been interested. Yes i no longer want sex with him but that is due to how he looks at me, never compliments me, describes me as his fat wife, i feel too ashamed for him to see my body now, im not good enough for him.
Thank you to all those who have given support, i will try another solicitor for advice

Anyone in a similiar position out there? Could do with the support x

Justme you can’t carry on living like this.

Please phone Women’s Aid, you are in an abusive marriage and they are there to help you and your son.

Thanks Lizzie i called them a few months ago i was discharged without any contact as im not in any physical danger

If you literally want to stay, then it's a matter of carving out a life for yourself that is separate to your marriage. Friends, hobbies, courses, holidays.

I feel trapped & alone, i can anyone help?

What has happened today?.

Did you get a second opinion on the legal advice front?.

Please do call Womens Aid because they can and will help you and in turn your son. Its not your fault nor your son's that your H has decide to conduct his own private war against you.

Still looking for someone for second opinion. Since minor incident week ago he wont kiss/cuddle me, we talk but about small things or ds, i feel so trapped. I cant get out. Im just having a bad morning. Im sure others are in worse situations.

You are trapped he’s manipulating you if you can read a book called living with a dominator he is using your dc as a pawn he doesn’t seem interested now you live together he wants to hurt you by threatening to take him off you. Knowing you won’t go and Allow this. Do you have any chance of getting counselling for yourself it is abuse even emotional it still is you just can’t see it. Get help.

...called them a few months ago i was discharged without any contact as im not in any physical danger

Wtf?? Are you sure it was women's aid you called?? Crap fucking advisor if so. VERY unusual! Please call again. Excuse language! Makes me so cross! Call your local office if you have issues getting through on the helpline.

Yes you are in an abusive relationship and you need advice and support to get out. women's Aid provide this, despite the rubbish rubbish advisor. (Sorry, I'm SO cross!).

I don't want to put on the thumb screws but this dynamic is damaging for your boy. It's not just inconvenient or uncomfortable, it actually sets up a lifetime of difficulty.

Most of what your husband threatens is hot air - classic tactics for an abuser. The chances of him getting full custody are laughable. Women's Aid (and Rights for Women) will show you how to build a case to prevent him having anything but minimal contact. Because he is damaging for your boy, do you see? What you've posted here about his attitude to ds is evidence that you can use. Judges listen to this - as a pp said, they spot these types a mile off.

Yy he may be vile when you split but with the right support you'll be more than a match. He'll discover the law is greater than him. I think you'll be surprised at how much clout you have.

Women's Aid (and Rights for Women) have a list of good solicitors who understand the abuse dynamic. You need to ditch your current solicitor.

You’re not alone. You can talk to us

Just read all of this and feel so worried for you. I completely agree with Cambionome: please don't stay. It sounds awful and so sad. You and your son deserve so much better.
By the way - your name (Justme) makes me think that fear is holding you back. It won't be 'just you'. The world is full of kind and wonderful people.

Thank you all sorry i didnt see the further replies.
Yes i called womens aid, they sign posted me to local office, i plucked up the courage to call, they said they would have someone meet me to talk through safe exit plan etc but following that heard nothing until i had a call checking i wasnt in physical danger then they discharged me. Im guessing they are busy & there are women in much worse situations than im in.
Ive not heard of Rights for Women, i'll have a look at them now thank you for the suggestion.
Thank you all so much, your kindness is overwhelming.

Let's start with something simple. The cars being parked and being late for work. Suggest park somewhere else, move the cars into the correct position when he comes home from work, or leave earlier for work. This is normal for people to do with limited parking. If you can sort this simple thing out, then you can start sorting out other things. If you are insured to drive each other's cars, you can move them yourself, or move your car before he comes home !

Would call Women’s Aid again and tell them what happened with the branch office you called. You are in as bad a situation here as are many other women in abusive relationships. Please also call the Rights of Women organisation here and keep posting here.

"how truly vile dh would be if we split,"

He is being vile now
You and d's need to be away
His vile behaviour can be recorded and reported

Don't stay to keep some kind of peace. That gives him control. Amy threats you report.

Just move.