I'm going to flip over a pan in the sink.

[RedCoffins]

Background: been with DP over two years, no kids and we live together. I work full time in a rubbish paid job, whilst studying at night school towards a university equivalent qualification. I also have a 1 hour minimum drive each way to and from work. DP works part time 7-1pm and has Fridays off (own business) in an office a 30 second drive away.

Yet he does fuck all around the house. Actually, he washes the dishes in the evenings. There's only two of us so never a lot of pots and half the time I wash up as I cook.

I do EVERYTHING, the cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing/finances/shopping - everything.

I'm tired. So tired. I've just come home to these pots and cried, whenever I try and bring it up he flips and says I'm being pathetic. I know it's a few pans but the flat is so untidy and he's been home all day playing Xbox. The cup has been there since last night, he can't even be arsed to move it into the sink.

Is this even a valid reason to leave this relationship, which is otherwise perfect? 

I must add this bit: the pan is left in the sink from last night, he left the pan for me to do 

I'm with you!...I'd cry!

Of course not - he is saying he doesn’t give a shot about you and he expects you to be his skivvy.

There’s a wonderful blog that some woman wrote a while ago about how she felt when her partner left his tea mug lying around and why it was so disrespectful - I can’t find a link to it but perhaps someone else here will remember what I mean. Anyway, if anyone can find the link I’d suggest you read it as it will articulate your anger pretty clearly !

Shit. Not shot. Thanks autocorrect.

I'd end it because he's being incredibly selfish to not enable you to equal leisure time to him...

He works less than you, you’re also studying and he doesn’t do anything to maintain your joint home.

Why?

Why is this okay with you?

He sees you crying because he’s a selfish thoughtless wanker and calls you pathetic?

WTF is that okay?

He’s not going to change. He’s not a real partner. He thinks he’s better than you. He doesn’t give a shit when you’re upset.

Being with someone should make life easier not harder.

He’s home when you finally get in from work and commuting, why isn’t he cooking every night and putting dinner on the table for you?

So many whys.

He’s making you fucking miserable and you need to end it and tell him to piss off. Then work out why your standards are so incredibly low so you don’t end up in another awful relationship in future.

Unequal division of labour.

You need to make it equal.

If he is unhappy with, or unable to accept an equal division of labour, he's not someone you want to waste time with.

Have an open honest conversation where you sit down with a pen and paper.

Write down all the chores you do.
Write down the hours you are out of the house every day.
Write down all the chores he does.
Write down all the hours he is out of the house every day.

Ask him if the split between those 4 things looks fair and balanced.

Then consider what's going to happen to those 4 lists if you have kids or even pets. Do you really want to find out the hard way?

If you're crying about it, something is badly badly wrong and it needs fixing. Or leave. There are plenty of guys out there who won't reduce you to tears over pots in the sink.

It's not even a hysterical cry - it's a slip down the kitchen side and sit on the floor cry. I'm utterly exhausted.

I know I sound ridiculous. People struggle to eat each day but I'm so fucking tired, I can't even bring it up with him because last Friday we had the same argument.

I missed out and disrespectful...

He thinks the wifework is yours.

Yes, I believe so. Are you planning on any children in the future? It could only get worse in that situation. You say partner but where is the partnership?

Why are you there facilitating the life of this manchild?. He does not care and sees these tasks as your job by dint of fact that you are female.

I would seriously look at this relationship and actually look into leaving him to his x box. That's all he wants really as well as someone to cook and clean up after him

Bin him. It’ll get much worse if you have children! LISTEN TO US.

And oh when I work late, my husband has tidied the kitchen and has dinner on the table for me.

Google "she left me because I left the dishes next to the sink" (or something like that) and send him the link.

STOP doing anything for him. No laundry, no cleaning, no cooking. Definitely no fucking life admin. When you get home, cook for yourself only, and wash up after yourself. Go shopping only for your own stuff (you might need to switch to popping into Tesco Express on your way home from work for a bit to avoid him stealing your food.)

Do not have sex with him. If he asks, say "sorry I only have sex with full grown adults as I'm not a paedophile."

Why are your standards for a partner so low? Why do you think this is all you deserve?
You deserve more. Far, far more. You deserve to be in a relationship with a grown up who respects you.

You have a bright future ahead of you. This man is holding you back, putting you in your place. He works short hours and would rather x box than do the minimum. You deserve better.

Do you do his washing and ironing? If so stop that right now.

Trust me, I've told him many times how I feel about the housework situation and he does not get it at all. I'm also tired of the arguments it causes. We have an otherwise lovely relationship and he helps out in other ways. Financially he's supported me, he emotionally and mentally. Mumsnet cliche, wait for it.... I do have generalised anxiety disorder which I'm on Citolopram for and when I have panic attacks he's my rock.

I'm now starting to make excuses for all this crap.

Ugh. Just end it. You cry with genuine exhaustion and he gets angry. It won’t get any better. Fuck writing lists. Just let yourself be free.

No, he’s not mentally and emotionally supporting you! Words are easy! Actions matter!

As already mentioned: www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/

This is not an ‘otherwise perfect relationship’.

You are supposed to be so grateful for him being your 'rock' in times of need that you are happy to be his skivvy the rest of the time.

Last week for example:

I left for work at 7am but before I went I took the clothes out of the washer to dry. He was home all day when I came home at 7pm, he was hoovering and I went into the kitchen to face the pots, which were piled high.

I said could you not have done these all day? His response "I haven't had time! I've been at the gym and running around!"

For 12 hours? Really?

Which turned into a huge argument and me storming out to the chip shop. I came home with his food for him to say "I don't even want that".

You don’t need a ‘valid reason’ to leave. You just give yourself permission to go.

He won’t change.