I'm going to flip over a pan in the sink.

[RedCoffins]

Background: been with DP over two years, no kids and we live together. I work full time in a rubbish paid job, whilst studying at night school towards a university equivalent qualification. I also have a 1 hour minimum drive each way to and from work. DP works part time 7-1pm and has Fridays off (own business) in an office a 30 second drive away.

Yet he does fuck all around the house. Actually, he washes the dishes in the evenings. There's only two of us so never a lot of pots and half the time I wash up as I cook.

I do EVERYTHING, the cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing/finances/shopping - everything.

I'm tired. So tired. I've just come home to these pots and cried, whenever I try and bring it up he flips and says I'm being pathetic. I know it's a few pans but the flat is so untidy and he's been home all day playing Xbox. The cup has been there since last night, he can't even be arsed to move it into the sink.

Is this even a valid reason to leave this relationship, which is otherwise perfect? 

I would print out this thread (delete your username) and leave this on top of the pile of dishes and just go out. If he can’t see that everyone thinks he has a lack of respect he’s not worth worrying about.

I was married to a lazy, entitled, selfish knob like this and I don't care what he's like the rest of the time, the fact he can't do the simplest of tasks that my DD was able to do from age 8 actually cancels out his good points

1. lazy - it is pure idle boned laziness
2. it's disrespectful
3. he feels entitled to be 100% looked after like a master with a maid not a partner in a relationship
4. selfish because Xbox and laziness comes before spending ten minutes being a respectful normal human

anyway, I left and divorced my ex-twat (there was more to it than just laziness but that is a perfect example of his whole attitude and disrespect of me) and now I have a blissful relationship. 5 years in and he does more than his share of house stuff as well as being the main breadwinner

You deserve better. Stop doing it, let him deal with his mess

Do not allow this to continue, even if you have to separate. He is showing how much he does t care and it will get worse if you have children with him

You are right to feel as you do

Please don't even consider having children with this manchild.

He sees the work to be done but why would he bother when he knows you will.

His general loveliness n other areas does not make up for him allowing you to do the lions share in the house.

Don't have children with him.

My god I fell asleep about 45 minutes after this post and I've just woken up.

I can't read the individual posts just yet. I will. I promise. Thank you.

At least I know I'm not over reacting. I read the "my wife divorced me" post and it's all too familiar.

Strangely, he's hoovered up and the pots are done but I haven't mentioned a word yet.

We have had very similar issues OP. Crack down on it and give him an ultimatum, soon made my DP change his tune. It's really hard when you love someone but they're dead lazy.

Think it's not that complicated really just simple laziness and your threshold for giving i and washing up is lower than his.

You wouldn't tolerate this in a housemate

I wouldn't over complicate it with division of labour talk. I would draw up a rota/list of chores with timescale and tell him if he can't stick to it you are not sure you can live with him

Totally feel your pain. Nothing worse than coming home to an untidy flat. Hate hate hate it!

Leave. This will be your life forever if you chose it. If you have children you’ll be doing everything whilst hating him.

You are not pathetic.

It's really very simple. He is like this because he can be. He doesn't need to do anything because you do it.

There are those who are prepared to do and those who are prepared to let them.

Don't cook for a few days. Anyway, how can you cook if there are no (clean) pots to cook with?

Ok so - positives I've read about this bloke so far

• he finally supports you in order for you to study, probably pays for the majority of household stuff as you said your wage is rubbish.
• emotionally and mentally supports you for your anxiety.

Negatives - he doesn't tidy a lot. He only tidies a little bit.

It sounds like your unhappy with your own current situation (leaving out your DP) as your working all the hours for a shit wage while studying. He's on part time hours running his own business, which he's probably had to put in the hours at the start to set up. He's now thinking I can relax now this business is running and he didn't expect to be having to run the house, which obviously is unfair to you. You sound over tired with outside aspects of your life I.e your job and studies.

Why not get a cleaner for a while? You probably could afford it, look for another more closer job to home. Or am I missing something?

Have to see both aspects of this.

Financially*

I was a messy bugger before having children and couldn't see mess. I'd been brought up in an extremely clean and tidy house. I found it really hard to tidy as I went along and left it until it seemed like too much to do. My boyfriends at the time probably did more housework than I did but we never argued about it. Not sure how receptive I'd have been to criticism.

Since having kids however, I am extremely tidy and organised because it's a necessity. I really resented my ex for not pulling his weight and expecting me to do all the drudge work.

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply to all those who took the time to comment on my post.

I needed some head space from the situation and then I was hospitalised with Quinsy. My throat is still horrendously painful.

With regards to our financial situation we go halves on all household bills with him being slightly more towards food/holidays. Financially he does help me when I'm struggling which I'm thankful for.

I've not even had the energy to raise the conversation with him as this week I've felt so poorly but there's not much change. The pans are still left in the sink today despite being off work all day, going to the gym and shopping. I can't afford a cleaner and he hasn't even thought about that, he genuinely would be baffled if I suggested it.

If I say anything he'll turn into a teenager and strop about/ignore me, once I'm well enough I'll have the conversation. It really won't get better will it?

Nope it will never get better
You either live with someone who doesn’t care about the mess or you don’t.

Take it from someone 10 years married and one DD it DOESN’T EVER get better, I really thought it would after so many arguments, but it’s got worse. I have cried so many times at the mess he leaves me to clear up. Last week I lost my s**t (again) and have now told him we are over. He is very upset but I can’t take it anymore, the love has gone, it is like having another 2 year old. The disrespect slowly eats away at the relationship and turns into resentment!

Sorry to hear you’ve been ill op. Wishing you a speedy recovery.

Don’t be scared of having the conversation with him. So what if he acts like a stroppy teenager?
Don’t let fear of his reaction control you.
Point it out to him. Tell him you expect to be in a relationship with an adult, not a stroppy teenager. Tell him it’s unattractive.

Of course people can change. It depends if they want to or need to.

Life is too short to be some lazy arse man child's Slave!

Dump him!

The blog someone mentioned upthread is probably:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/mustbethistalltoride.com/2016/01/14/she-divorced-me-because-i-left-dishes-by-the-sink/amp/?client=safari

There's also an oft-cited post an mner made where she said every time she had to do something because her partner wasn't pulling their weight she made a comment as if he were speaking to her "fuck you I don't have to do it cos you will" in that case the guy did improve I believe.

But he sounds beyond all hope! Has he ever lived alone? Did he move in with you straight from childhood home where he never had to lift a finger?

There are some men that don't "get it" or pay lip service and sometimes there's hope because they know they're taking the piss - this guy doesn't even care that he is! And I'm sorry but blatantly cares nothing for you either - get him gone!

"No, he’s not mentally and emotionally supporting you! Words are easy! Actions matter" this! Words are cheap. If he was REALLY supportive of your illness of you, he wouldn't even dream of being so lazy and selfish!

"I came home with his food for him to say "I don't even want that"." Frankly I wouldn't have bought him anything...but if I had and he'd said this it would've been flung at him!

What's the situation re your home? Do you own or rent? In who's names? What about finances? Just so we can advise - because I would not put it past this guy to leave taking valuables and emptying bank accounts!

"He is not your rock. He is your burden" excellent way of putting it.

"Strangely, he's hoovered up and the pots are done but I haven't mentioned a word yet." Because he knows he's on thin ice - it won't last.

And then your update - even though you've been SO ill he's STILL expecting YOU to do it all.

Just get rid - honestly you'll be so much happier.

Send him the link to the article and ask him to read it. It doesn’t need to be a fight, he needs to understand where you’re coming from and the stakes here.

He’s is massively disrespecting you and sees your time as less valuable than his. He prioritises his needs (gym, x box) over dealing with the mess he creates.

It really angers me that these men are capable of complex jobs but can’t figure out that basic shit needs to be done.

Married to my ex for 18 yrs and even though he was a fully functional adult when we met, he gradually did less and less until it was me doing all the shitwork and the vast majority of childcare even though we both work.
Believe me, when a man shows you this early on what a lazy fucker he is, don't waste your time hoping he will suddenly start understanding he needs to pull his weight. As long as you are doing everything he honestly won't give a shit, until you finally lose all respect and love for him, and leave. This is him. Lazy, selfish and a waste of your time.

I do EVERYTHING, the cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing/finances/shopping - everything

Why?
Why do you put up with it?
Why do you value his wants above yours?
Why are you existing as his servant and not his partner?

Is that really the kind of relationship you want?

Sorry if that sounds harsh, I'm just so fed up of watching women settle for this shit and get trodden all over.

You deserve better. You are worth more than this.

I could have written this about my ex. He too was capable of brilliant things at work but totally useless at home. However... the day I finally threw him out, he got his finances in order the very same day - proving he could do admin when it suited him! His laziness wasn’t the reason we broke up but it was a major factor. I cleaned out the fridge and the oven today and found myself wondering why my ex never managed to do this in all the years we lived together!

I echo all those who say you do not have to put up with this and if you choose to stay, it will not get any better. Believe it or not, I actually find it’s less work living alone and doing all the chores by myself, than having to clean up after someone else and nagging him all evening just to put the bins out.