I'm going to flip over a pan in the sink.

[RedCoffins]

Background: been with DP over two years, no kids and we live together. I work full time in a rubbish paid job, whilst studying at night school towards a university equivalent qualification. I also have a 1 hour minimum drive each way to and from work. DP works part time 7-1pm and has Fridays off (own business) in an office a 30 second drive away.

Yet he does fuck all around the house. Actually, he washes the dishes in the evenings. There's only two of us so never a lot of pots and half the time I wash up as I cook.

I do EVERYTHING, the cooking/cleaning/washing/ironing/finances/shopping - everything.

I'm tired. So tired. I've just come home to these pots and cried, whenever I try and bring it up he flips and says I'm being pathetic. I know it's a few pans but the flat is so untidy and he's been home all day playing Xbox. The cup has been there since last night, he can't even be arsed to move it into the sink.

Is this even a valid reason to leave this relationship, which is otherwise perfect? 

This is huge. Because it's about lack of thought, respect, value, understanding and consideration. You've talked to him and he's not listening. Now imagine that you're working, you've got kids and you're STILL doing everything. Because take a look at other threads on here: that could be you in a few years. Don't let it.

You could go on strike and it will be awful and you'll have to grit your teeth and bear it, ESPECIALLY if his parents come round. He may get the message.

Or you could move out and save your sanity. I wonder how much of your anxiety is related to not being heard or valued in your relationship?

Grab the pans, and everything else he's left out and put in the wheelie bin. Each and every time.

My DH soon learned that I wasn't picking any of his mess up.

Life's too short for all that shit. And don't do anything for him until he starts to show you some respect.

Actually, that you just slid to the floor speaks volumes.

When you shout and scream...you’ve got the passion for the relationship still. It’s when you’re resigned that you know nothing can be salvaged and it is over.

You do not sound ridiculous.

I'd be leaving him for calling me pathetic, but not for being a skin as I'm inclined to avoid housework too, and him being messy wouldn't bother me as long as he never commented on the mess as though it were my job to clean up.

Him calling you pathetic and lacking empathy for your tiredness doesn't sound like a perfect relationship, it sounds nasty and disrespectful, contemptuous even.

If you're not married and have no kids and no joint finances you can leave for no reason at all if you want, and him lacking respect and empathy for you isn't no reason. You don't need to justify yourself.

*a slob not a skin. A skin sounds like some kind of slang, but it was just fat fingers...

This isn't sustainable. After 20-odd years of marriage, my husband still does all the washing up if I cook for the family - he doesn't like cooking, and that's the trade. He also works more than full-time as he's in a management position where it's expected, and I work from home, and he could easily take for granted the fact that I'm 'here all day, you can do it' but he doesn't.

You need to live as you want to live, not be sliding down in tired tears at this stage of your life. You deserve better.

He does understand, it's just that he knows you'll take up the slack. What you going to do about it?

Why don't you believe you're worth more than this?

Every time he leaves the dishes for you and everything else, he's showing you exactly what he thinks of you and how high you are in his priorities. You're way below the gym and the xbox.

"I do have generalised anxiety disorder which I'm on Citolopram for and when I have panic attacks he's my rock. I'm now starting to make excuses for all this crap".

Yes you are making excuses for him. He is not your rock either, not even close. He is a selfish bellend of an individual who thinks more of his xbox. Its certainly not an otherwise perfect relationship either which also makes me wonder what you yourself learnt about relationships here when you were growing up. Why have you accepted this, you had the same argument with this person last Friday.

Your GAD may well improve if he was not in your day to day life. He is not helping your anxiety here and is adding to this.

It's not perfect if he spends half the day playing Xbox and you are sobbing with exhaustion.........

He should be doing vast majority of housework with those working hours. Unfortunately he likely holds sexist beliefs. You have explained cried etc and he is not doing anything. Begin to separate yourself emotionally and dream about your new life.

He is not your rock. A rock would support you by doing their share of the work around the house you both share. Is he the cause of your anxiety?
Please stop doing things for him. Look after you.
A few years down the line after you've left him you will look back and think - what an arse!

Op I could have written your openining post in 1973!!!
My exH had been waited on hand and foot by his Mum (who worked full time) and saw no reason why I shouldn't. Ex H was a full time student whilst I commuted 1.5 hours each day to work and went to evening classes to study for a law degree.
I financially kept him and did everything in the house.

Stop it!
I would have thought 45 years on this sort of behaviour was extinct, but apparently not.
I stopped doing everything, washing cooking etc. He left to go back to his Mums when he had no more clean ironed shirts to wear a week later.

OP he won’t change. My ex was like this. I put up with it for years, he’d always be home before me, or off work. I worked long long hours. I did the cleaning, the cooking, the pack ups, the washing, the ironing, the shopping, organised the bills, organised every night out, every holiday, every gift for any family member. I was utterly physically and mentally exhausted. Then when I finally sat down, usually about 9pm, and asked him to turn off his Xbox he’d fuss and swear at me.

He once put some washing in, machine washed my dry clean only work suit jacket, took it out the washer and left it in a crumpled up ball drying. It symbolises exactly how much he respected me.

If I asked him to help he’d shout and swear and say he’d do it later. If I got upset he ignored me, or tell me I was crazy. Or he’d tell me not to do anything for him (cock!!)

I gave him a final ultimatum. At that time I didn’t want to split up but I told him how much I was struggling. He walked out and left me in a public house on my own.

He was devastated when I left. It was hard but I couldn’t stay. I had no love or respect left for him. It was all gone. Every last bit. I was utterly drained. There were other reasons in addition to this for our separation but this was a big part of it.

I’ve been away 3 years now. I’ve never looked back. My home is my own. I’m relaxed, I’m happy. I don’t stay in touch with him. I pity him. I do think he really loved me but he threw it away.

My advice is leave and never ever look back. You won’t regret it

Just do your own thing tonight and tomorrow. You don’t need to argue. You have enough perspective now. Put the pan on the floor somewhere, get yourself something nice to eat and make plans for sat and sun without him. It might be redeemable (but I think you can do better) but its time he started doing the emotional work to keep the relationship alive. And that means realising he needs to wash a pan.

And maybe your next step after this relationship should be to look at how you make your load a bit easier.

If DH became a house husband I could see this happening with us. He just doesn't "see" mess, or at least claims not to. Says it doesn't bother him. Quite happy to leave empty glasses sitting on the coffee table for days on end, leave dishes in the sink rather than the dishwasher (it's under the sink!!!!), not put away get I've washed and sorted, and used to just walk up and leave dishes on the table after dinner. He did exactly the same when he was living on his own. I'm not massively houseproud but when I'm working from home I'll be putting on washes or emptying the dishwasher, having a hoover or mop during breaks- when he's off or home early he just sits down. He is very supportive financially and emotionally, but this is a big bugbear.

I think as women we see mess and think "I have to clean/tidy that", like another thing on the to do list, because that's our place. Whereas men are brought up knowing a woman someone else will come behind them and do it, so they don't need to worry about it. They might not be conscious of that but that's what's happening. I was brought up in a household where my mum did all the housework and have tried very hard not to replicate that, but it's so difficult when someone just doesn't care.

Of course he gets it. He still expects you to do it all though.
He’s selfish and lazy.

OP this sounds dreadful. My DP works longer hours than me. The other night took us for a bloody gorgeous dinner and when i fell asleep in a snorey heap on the sofa he did all the laundry and hung my clothes out just in case I wanted to wear them again tomorrow. I do similar things for him. That's how relationships should work. You deserve better.

I wouldn't cry OP. I'd give myself permission to find someone special enough to find me just as special. If women continue to 'settle', what hope has the next generation of young women? Get assertive. Lose the 'doormat', persona and be proud of being a woman...not a doormat.

Gosh, I don't have GAD or OCD but why oh why is the glass right on the edge of the table?! That puts me on edge anyway. It's asking to be knocked off.
I wonder if there are other things around the house subtly making your GAD worse.
You deserve better defintely and getting shut of him would probably be helpful.

He is not your rock. He is your burden.

OP, I want to give you a big hug. You are not pathetic. He is disrespectful and obviously sees domestic stuff as women's work. It will be very hard to change his attitude. I would leave him if I was you, easier said than done I know. Otherwise you will be having these fights for years to come.

So many men out there are like this, though, it's depressing.

Oh, and good for you for studying to improve your prospects. He should be doing everything possible to support you in that.