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Original poster

Do men ever regret their ‘midlife crisis’ affairs?

203 replies

stitchinguru · 22/10/2018 22:33

Just that really - it’s such a common occurrence, I’d be interested in how it tends to pan out in the fullness of time.

OP posts:
Fontofnoknowledge · 26/10/2018 20:58

But I personally wouldn’t trust anyone who’s cheated previously.

That is where I would disagree. The oft trotted out maxim on MN that 'marry the mistress create a vacancy' just isn't the real life that I know. Sometimes people are genuinely not happy with first marriage.

My DCs are 23,& 22 16. I only know one set of parents still together. The others are ALL in second marriages. Not just living together but long term marriages since kids were 11/12 (now on 20s). In fact the 2nd marriages have lasted much longer than 1st..

Fontofnoknowledge · 26/10/2018 21:02

Interestingly - none of the second marriages that I personally know. (Including my own) do not have children together.

It seems children do the opposite of 'stick it together '.

In our case lots of couple time - afforded by dcs being with other parent had allowed us to focus on our relationship. I know this is the same for many friends in the same set up. Every other weekend to spend with each other has definitely made it easier to maintain the focus on each other.

MaryJenson · 26/10/2018 21:14

Do you mean that don’t have children together?

Fontofnoknowledge · 26/10/2018 21:56

It certainly makes for an easier marriage!

MaryJenson · 26/10/2018 22:03

Or you stay together until your children leave home 😐

Cherries101 · 26/10/2018 22:08

Not all people on second marriages cheat to get there. I really respect people who end their marriages when things become bad, rather than stay until they find someone worth leavint for.

MrsMisstery · 26/10/2018 22:22

Aren’t lots of affairs because the person who has the affair has low self esteem/feels neglected etc. Hence why they often ‘affair down’ so to put it. They feel inadequate in some way (whether it’s their own fault or because their other half has made them feel this way) so they look for someone who makes them feel better about themselves. That may just be someone else, or it may be someone they think will be grateful to be with them.

Original poster
stitchinguru · 26/10/2018 22:34

All I will say, is pay attention when your long term partner (of a certain age) suddenly starts experimenting with grooming techniques etc.
I should have known when my partner (who had been happy to sport a full grown forest for 48 years) began trimming his pubes.... and no, it didn’t make it look any bigger!!

OP posts:
Fontofnoknowledge · 26/10/2018 22:36

That is very true for many I am sure. Unfortunately the person doing the neglecting often doesn't see it as such. More that they have shifted priorities from relationship to children.
I am fairly sure that our grandparents marriages lasted a lot longer because the focus was less on the children but on the parents relationship.

My grandmother/grandfather 1930s) certainly wouldn't have had children up in the evening sharing their time together. Bedtime was at 7 . If not tired then you read in bed until you fell asleep. My mother cannot ever remember coming downstairs for anything after 'bedtime'. It just wasn't acceptable.
I'm 55 - and and as a 60s child the same went for me and my siblings. Children allowed up in the evening until 9 once at secondary school - but no later. Evening was for mum and dad to have child free , adult conversation. I am sure there is something in this.
The whole child centred/focussed home life often ends up with the (mostly) mothers ending up doing parenting late into the evening leaving no time, energy or inclination for the partner who had been out all day . (often as she has as well ).

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 22:43

More that they have shifted priorities from relationship to children.
I am fairly sure that our grandparents marriages lasted a lot longer because the focus was less on the children but on the parents relationship.

Sorry but I think that’s bollocks. First of all it’s right that priorities shift to the children in marriage - you have to focus on the children when they’re young, only the narcissistic and insecure have a problem with that. Secondly, our grandparents marriages lasted because a) there was far more social stigma around divorce and women didn’t necessarily have careers to support the children and b) because there was much less emphasis on sex so relationships turning to friendships weren’t seen as a failure.

Original poster
stitchinguru · 26/10/2018 22:50

I also wonder if women were more likely to conveniently ‘not notice’ an affair in previous generations.

OP posts:
Dowser · 26/10/2018 23:08

Yes my exh
He had to parent a 14 year old when ours were in their 20s and two had left home.
He lost his beloved daughter. They never spoke for 6 years and he had no relationship with her three gorgeous children

He told our son over a few beers he didn’t love ow. I saw hid direct debit in his bank statement for a dating site
He had to marry her otherwise he could’ve gone to jail for living illegally in Dubai

He knew when I met my second husband that there was no coming back to me

He died a very unhappy and broken man, back in the town he was born, estranged from his daughter, son in law and three gorgeous grandchildren with a women he didn’t truly love,in her house where he had to mind his p and qs with her son, the arsehole as he called him, living there for good measure

He had such a miserable end to his life he was begging to die at the end of it.
His ‘wife’ even went out on a Christmas do, the night before he died.

Very sad.
That wouldn’t have happened on my watch ...and he would know that..

Annandale · 26/10/2018 23:25

I'm not sure there was that much less emphasis on sex - in my family a generation or two ago, children were packed off halfway round the world to boarding school because 'anyone can look after your children, only you can look after your husband' and since a lot of the women had servants, 'look after' meant being sexually available for him.

TatianaLarina · 26/10/2018 23:57

I’m not saying people didn’t have sex, simply that there was less emphasis on sex and sexuality in the culture. There was a lot of lying back and thinking of England. No openness about sexuality and sexual proclivities, no explicit films, TV, music. No porn other than the top shelf mags.

IfNotNowThenWooOoOoo · 27/10/2018 00:38

I think there was less media openness about sex, sure, but it would be arrogant of us to assume that sex wasn't just as important to couples in the 30s for example as it is now.
I'm sure some people lay back and thought of England but I'm not sure that was the norm.

I remember my Nan (born 1910 ish) joking about sex to female relatives, and the conversations my grandma and aunts has sat round the kitchen table..they weren't naive!

yetmorecrap · 27/10/2018 01:58

I agree with Tatiana though that there seemed to be less of an issue with marriages becoming more likestrong friendships in long term marriages. I knew quite a few couples who were friends with my parents (and thinking about it they would have been late 30s/40s and early 50s , so not old, --who had separate bedrooms but didnt seem that unhappy in any way. I must admit it does seem these days we are thought odd by a lot of men if even post menopause we dont still feel sexual a great deal more than some women genuinely do.

Hadenoughofallthis · 27/10/2018 09:16

Fontofnoknowledge, I'm the same age as you, but my experience is different. Out of the dozen or so couples we are particularly friendly with who have kids the same ages as ours (early 20s), only one couple are separated and he shagged around for England during their marriage.
Similar statistics in our (dh and mine) wide and varied extended families.

Unicornandbows · 27/10/2018 09:35

What I find interesting is when the person who has been cheated on moves on with a new partner.. And the ex goes crazy even though they've moved in or is with ow/om

What is that about???

theredjellybean · 27/10/2018 09:44

i have not read whole thread but can say on the one hand my DP and I regret our affair and the hurt if caused at the time, but we do not regret the fact we met and our together.
I am not sure if that makes sense ?
Both our marriages were unhappy and un-savable( and we did try) but having an affair was wrong. We both wish we had left our marriages before embarking on our relationship . But i cannot regret meeting him or what we have now .

SeaEagleFeather · 27/10/2018 10:45

What is that about???

ownership.

Orange6904 · 27/10/2018 11:21

Yeah what's with the jealousy when you finally start to move on? I don't understand that. Okay I'll go back to crying in my dressing gown just for you.

Unicornandbows · 27/10/2018 12:03

I think that is even more sickening.. I never thought about it as ownership

Duchessgummybuns · 27/10/2018 12:27

When I told my ex that I was seeing someone new, after he had numerous affairs and had just moved in with one of his OW, his response was “That really hurts.”

Wtaf. I think it is about ownership, and he did quite like the idea of me forever crying into my pillow over him. Tbh it wasn’t him I was crying for, it was myself, thinking how could I have been so stupid?

Orange6904 · 27/10/2018 12:33

@Duchessgummybuns That;'s mad that he told you it hurts him, what goes through their mind? Confused

Duchessgummybuns · 27/10/2018 13:02

I said well at least I managed to wait until we were over beforehand, he said “I deserved that.”

I think my ex is actually certifiable. He’s engaged again less than a year after we split, and his fiancée announced their relationship “anniversary” in May when we only split June 2017. And he had another girlfriend between me and her so was cheating on all 3 of us. Madness.