Do men ever regret their ‘midlife crisis’ affairs?

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Just that really - it’s such a common occurrence, I’d be interested in how it tends to pan out in the fullness of time.

My dad did. He and my mum rebuilt their relationship and the guilt he feels over the hurt he caused runs deep - I think it has directly contributed to his declining mental health and has aged him prematurely. It's awful.

I’m not surprised Imogen
The guilt and stress is immense. It affected both my DH and myself mentally and physically.

I know a couple of men who regretted it. They both say they really miss their first wives and families.

One ended up married to the OW as he didn’t have the backbone to stand up to her and her mother who insisted.

The others, I don’t know but I don’t think so, other than regretting the impact on their relationship with their children.

Contrarily in Investment Banking the directors who get promoted are the ones with wives their age. Parading a woman half your age in IB, while commonplace, doesn’t get you the big ticket promotions because shareholders and boards want loyal and reliable CEOs, and divorce proceedings (including the reasons for them) are the first things researched when filtering candidates for promotion.. Funny that.

I know someone who did, his wife kicked him out expecting him to crawl back but the OW took him in. She got pregnant v quickly and that was that. He is v rich but he is now 60+ with two toddlers. His kids don't speak to him , wife has moved on

Same in Financial Services Cherries. I know one high flyer who shot himself down by leaving his DW and 2 DDs and replacing DW with a woman 20 years his junior. Never made it to the board and eventually left the company.

I think it's a bit premature to talk about what people regret or not in their forties and fifties - it would be really interesting to hear from posters who can talk about the experience of ex mid-life crisis sufferers now in their seventies and eighties.

I suspect the fallout of leaving one's children behind (often paying minimum child support when swanning off to a new life with a new model) is disguised while the kids are still young and want to spend time with their father. When they have grown up and want nothing to do with him it regrets may play out differently.

Or maybe I'm just wishing for some cosmic justice where there is none...

My mum didn't speak to her dad again after he left her and her family for another woman way back in the 60s - she found about it when she was 15/16. He was having an affair with another woman whilst her mum was suffering with cancer and eventually passed away.

I don't know if he ever regretted it but he missed out on seeing his two daughters grow up and have grandchildren, etc.

I actually think it’s awful that a man’s personal life is researched and considered relevant to his promotion! It’s as bad as employers saying oh we can’t promote her she’s recently married she’ll be having kids next.

Everyone should be judged on their performance at work. Not subject to some bizarre morality / stability test.

My research also seems to suggest that in these cases, although the OW may be younger, men tend to ‘affair down’ - i.e take up with someone generally less attractive, intelligent, talented etc etc. What do we think about that?

Someone close to me did just this - affair partner was older and less attractive than his wife, less intelligent, and had a lot of children. Not the stereotype of a younger single lady. She was just bigging up his ego mainly. He did regret it and his wife forgave him...but this was not long ago so we'll see if that forgiveness lasts.

Contrarily in Investment Banking the directors who get promoted are the ones with wives their age. Parading a woman half your age in IB, while commonplace, doesn’t get you the big ticket promotions because shareholders and boards want loyal and reliable CEOs, and divorce proceedings (including the reasons for them) are the first things researched when filtering candidates for promotion.. Funny that.

I saw a few times the guys made it to MD with the age appropriate university educated wife and then after the promotion swapped her out for a younger model.

My ex is a selfish man.

He and everyone blamed me whilst feeling sorry for him.

After leaving he started drinking and smoking then began to look rough.

I nor the children would touch him with a barge pole, his friends, family and second wife are welcome to him.

My friends partner had an affair and left her out the blue. She waited yeats for him to come back after over twenty years of marriage but he is happy with ow. Been over ten years. So sad she was in denial for such a long time. He had no more children though and ow wasn't younger.

Another one who didn't regret it had an affair. There were no kids involved. He set up and had family with ow and he seems v happy.

OP you need www.chumplady.com. Her tag line is “leave a cheater, gain a life”.

it would be really interesting to hear from posters who can talk about the experience of ex mid-life crisis sufferers now in their seventies and eighties

yeah Im curious about this too.

I would keep well away from Chumplady tbh.

Chump lady is good but extremely American slanted and hence whilst I find Tracey’s pieces really good, the comments and forums annoy me somewhat .

I'm single and have dated a few men in their late 40s and 50s who divorced their wives in their late 30s/early 40s. Often I think they divorced due to a mid life crisis. Although the OW relationship doesn't always last, the men seem fairly happy to lead quite selfish lives. See their friends, play sport, go on holiday etc. None of them seem too fussed that they left the family

I think many women vastly overestimate the number of men in the UK who genuinely are into/love the family stuff full on 24/7. A lot of men I know have gone along with it but lose interest down the line , find it hard going and don’t like the fact that in some cases it limits their life in areas they enjoy (depending on the partner of course) . Far too many men like the fun days out but not the grind, some women too to be honest but I think are less likely to admit it or divorce because of it.

My dad left my mum in his late fifties having had a mid-life crisis lasting approximately 30 years imo.

He does sort of appear to regret it but not to the point of doing anything about it. I do think the marriage was over but my mother just refused to be the bad guy and chuck him out, no matter how much they were both suffering. Imo things are rarely simple.

I know a man who had an affair and stayed with his wife, he said that 30 years later he still thinks of the OW almost everyday. He stayed for his kids that are now adult and don't bother visiting him, neither the wife or kids knew of the affair. The OW never married and lived alone until her death. I think it is really sad.

So funny, mine always called late at night over important things. He never could break the habit.
She went mad. As he was with her now, but she never bothered to be his friend, both lost jobs. And she found out how broke he was, the money he gave me in front of friends that I used to call my pocket money was really him paying back loans.
She had targeted the life she thought he provided me with. Very mercenary...
And yes he regrets it. It stopped being fun for him the days I was no longer cross.

@daysofpearly I suspect the reason he misses his ow is because he never lived with her so the rose tinted specs stayed firmly on. He has a romanticized idea of this awesome relationship that was never allowed to blossom. Forbidden love, star-crossed lovers etc. If he had moved in with ow, once the honeymoon period was over the drudgery of daily life would have kicked in and 30 years later it would be his ex wife he would yearn for. Don't feel too sad for him, some people are never satisfied and the grass is always greener elsewhere.

I know a man who had an affair and stayed with his wife, he said that 30 years later he still thinks of the OW almost everyday. He stayed for his kids that are now adult and don't bother visiting him, neither the wife or kids knew of the affair. The OW never married and lived alone until her death. I think it is really sad.

Poor him?

Poor wife more like living a lie all these years

I know someone that had an affair and deeply regrets it. His wife kicked him out and he married the other women and went on to have two kids. They look like a happy from the outside but he has told me that he thinks about his first wife everyday, wants to kick himself for being so stupid and that he will love her until the day he dies but he knows she wouldn't have him back. He even said it made him love her more knowing that she was strong enough to throw him out on his ear when she found out about the affair even though she was a sahm to 4 children.
I think that some people feel they have to make it work with the OW or OM because if they don't they have to admit to the world and more importantly themselves that they fucked up big time.