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Original poster

Do men ever regret their ‘midlife crisis’ affairs?

203 replies

stitchinguru · 22/10/2018 22:33

Just that really - it’s such a common occurrence, I’d be interested in how it tends to pan out in the fullness of time.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 23/10/2018 08:08

Mine regretted it.
9 years on he's still unhappy.
He was living back at home with mummy and daddy at age 50+ after completely ruining his life.

Another guy I know is seriously regretting it right now.

AstralTraveller · 23/10/2018 08:12

My ex regretted it I think. I booted him out and he moved in with her. A fortnight later he asked to come back and I said no so he stuck with her. He was with her for a year and moved out but carried on seeing her for a while I think. I think he regretted it. She was hard work. The pair of them wrecked our relationship and her marriage. She had a child and a DH. Her DH has remarried and had more DC.
I vaguely stalk him on FB now. He is single and has just bought an enormous motorbike. He is a walking cliche. When I saw the size of the bike I knew he is definitely compensating for something! Some people might be impressed by him but I just see him as a grey haired sad git.

Original poster
stitchinguru · 23/10/2018 08:22

Sisgal - if you are referring to me (OP) when you say ‘you sound like a journo’, please be assured that I’m not. I’m simply someone who has had their life completely turned upside down, and is struggling to make sense of the situation in order to move on from a 30+ year relationship with a cheat and a liar.

OP posts:
AstralTraveller · 23/10/2018 08:31

I'm an old giffer and have worn a groove around the block.

Something I think is at play is that men often are not aware of how much work their women do in the background of their lives. I don't want to stereotype but more often than not women are oiling and facilitating mens lives but men do not actually see it.

They move out and/or 'upgrade' but find life hard because they have never actually had to clean, cook, get insurance, sort MOTs, weed, shop, creosote, stitch, polish, mend, vaccinate, clean the fridge, book a holiday, buy shoes, get in a queue, research online, get a bus, buy Nightnurse, feed the cat, buy batteries, clip the dogs claws, phone friends and relatives, buy and wrap Christmas presents, pay the TV license, sniff gone off milk, iron clothes, wallpaper, pay the bills on time, check the bank statements, pay the cards off. As infinitum.

It's like they think the fucking fairys did it all!

Sadly I think this is often what drives them back home. It's dressed up as love but actually I think it's the fear of a second dose E coli Grin

swimmingdory · 23/10/2018 08:34

@AstralTraveller totally! I don't think men have any comprehension of this stuff at all!

MaryJenson · 23/10/2018 09:09

😂😂 Astratraveller

dontalltalkatonce · 23/10/2018 09:16

Mid-life crisis is nothing more than a euphemism for someone who is at heart a twat. The only thing these men regret is not being able to have their cake and eat it, too. One of my dear friends has just finalised her divorce from her h or 26 years. It took a couple of years to work out the financials. Now he's all apologetic because he's found out these late 20s and early 30 somethings don't want to utterly facilitate his life in return for nothing (he won't marry again or share money because his first wife 'rinsed' him). He's stuck doing all his own lifework now. Or they all want kids (his is an adult). Diddums. He's a cunt.

ShadowHuntress · 23/10/2018 09:20

AstralTraveller 😂😂😂

Couldn’t have said it better myself!

PerverseConverse · 23/10/2018 09:21

My stbexh started his midlife crisis at 30. He wanted his life back, whatever that means, and left me and our two young children for a younger woman who already had several kids and went on to have a few more with her. He aged 10 years within the first 3 years. He has no home of his own, is heavily in debt and looks miserable as sin. His eyes are dead, his skin grey, his face gaunt, his hair rapidly disappearing. Serves him right. He is an abusive bastard who has tried to destroy me and his behaviour has severely affected our children. The grass was not greener for him but my life has improved drastically since he left. I pity the OW.

ShatnersWig · 23/10/2018 09:22

@dontalltalk But women have them as well. Not in such numbers as men, but it's not an exclusively male preserve.

Thebluedog · 23/10/2018 09:24

I think AstralTraveller has just summed it up perfectly Grin

TheGonnagle · 23/10/2018 09:24

AstralTraveller, so on the money there!

Purpleisthenewblue1 · 23/10/2018 09:29

I think it’s just the urge to procreate with something younger which is natural. Sadly this does drain the life and money out of many of them at a time they could be enjoying life a bit.

They think their in love with the young thing but new young thing often has babies on the brain. (I’m generalising Smile)

dontalltalkatonce · 23/10/2018 09:35

But women have them as well. Not in such numbers as men, but it's not an exclusively male preserve.

Well, you always get a few thickos in the bunch. This man is definitely finding increasing numbers of women in their late 20s and 30s aren't willing to play the wifey for free whilst working FT or forgo having children from some wizened up ol' prick. It's funny, actually. Now everyone can see what a tool he is.

OhLemons · 23/10/2018 09:35

A close relative of mine had a long term affair and when his wife found out, she kept it to herself then made a speech at his birthday party telling everyone, was awesome!

He left and went to live with the OW and did so for many years until he died. However, behind the back of the OW he was telling friends how he regretted it and would try to get his wife to forgive him.

He left his entire estate to his wife, OW got nothing.

peggyonabike · 23/10/2018 09:41

My ex husband recently told our teens that he wished he had a time machine and could turn the clocks back !! He swanned off with a woman 18 years younger who barely spoke English and he's now the "not so proud" 50 year old father of a baby in Manila who he never wanted ! Whoops !! LOL!!

He currently lives alone (dumped the shiny new lady) with no friends and has lost the respect of our teenagers, one of whom had to lecture her own father on contraception and now calls him a Dickhead. Result!

Demented101 · 23/10/2018 10:05

Interesting question, I think I see regret for being able to have their cake and eat it, any consequences that they experience due to their actions and also not liking looking like an arse.
I dont think it goes much deeper than that as in the effects on others dont really come in to it. Anything more would require some self-reflection and some sort of moral compass. I think those things are in short supply with someone who makes a decision to repeatedly lie and use those that they claim to love.
As regards the mid-life thing? I think for many men (and some women!) Its a permanent thing!

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/10/2018 10:18

I'd like to think so.
I found out in December that my dh was having an affair with someone at work, 12 years younger than us (no kids, 'fun' lifestyle, etc, etc). Funnily enough, he had just turned 40.
I asked him to leave, he is still with her as far as I know but keeps telling me whenever he gets chance that he "isn't in a good place". I don't know if he means emotionally, financially or what but it's not my job to ask or care, it's the woman who he decided was a better bet than me and his kids.
I look forward to the day she decided she would like kids of her own. He had the snip a couple of years ago as we were both done with having kids. That would put a spanner in the works of this fun lifestyle he thought he was missing out on (if it would even be medically possible).

RhubarbTea · 23/10/2018 10:18

Hahahahaha AstralTraveller , you are so spot on Grin

Batteriesallgone · 23/10/2018 10:34

I know a man who basically wants to be mothered - on his third marriage and moved on from the first two when the youngest child was school aged. The wife went back to work, starting encouraging all members of the household to be more independent, realised he was freeloading off her ‘wifework’, asserted the need for him to adult - and so he cheats with a younger, maternal woman. Married again, had babies, babies got to school age, wife thought about working...

Currently he’s over 50 and new wife is nearly 30. One year old baby. Baby is NOT an easy baby at all (I have my suspicions he may have similar problems to our DS tbh though less severe). Wife constantly prioritises husbands needs over baby. I can’t bear constant screaming and DH and I fell over ourselves to help our DS but they just talk about their child as a naughty problem. If I’m right and their child has what DS has this won’t work forever, at some point they will have to acknowledge his needs and I do wonder if having to prioritise the child will break up their marriage.

I don’t know. It seems to me that people who have affairs are fundamentally selfish. Perhaps they orientate more and more towards other selfish people over time, until they are too old to be ‘of use’ to anyone and then are abandoned by everyone. I don’t think many of them regret their own behaviour. Too busy feeling hard done by (even by the behaviour of a tiny innocent baby).

AstralTraveller · 23/10/2018 10:40
Grin
Wherearemymarbles · 23/10/2018 10:43

My friend regrets to some extent the effects of his affair but is much happier with theo OW. They have been together 10 years and I think his main regret was marrying his ex in the first place.

DevilsAdvocados · 23/10/2018 11:02

Rarely I think in my experience. I work in an area where affairs are easy to come by - lots of opportunity to have sex with other people undiscovered.

There are only a variety of outcomes to a man's affair:
A no one finds out/wife never knows
B wife finds out, couple stay together. (I would also put wife suspects but turns a blind eye in this category)
C wife finds out, ends relationship.
D man leaves of own accord for OW.

The only situation where a man is likely to regret it is situation C - but Situation C is a absolute minority of affairs as is Situation D.

The biggest group is Situation A (wife never finds out) followed by Situation B (couple stay together).

A man who is chucked out following an affair will probably go on to reshape his life and is likely to be happy. He will be 'single' in effect and able to have sex with whoever he wants often with younger women who aren't really looking for anything serious and (probably) at the same time still keep the benefit of his prior family relationship - children and grandchildren.

Most of the men I have seen have affairs are examples of "having cake and eating it". It's amazing really and a shame because there should be some moral culpability. There is no evidence of what goes around comes around at all - or very little evidence anyway.

Sunshineandflipflops · 23/10/2018 11:07

I was situation C and my ex tells me he's not in a great place now (he's still with the OW). I think he wanted his cake and to eat it but I took that choice form him and he was almost forced into a relationship with her as they both hurt so many people by doing what they did and were left with nothing but each other. Shame.

Escolar · 23/10/2018 11:16

I don’t actually know many men (or women) who did this - in fact I can only think of one. He seems very happy with OW and newborn twins!

I’m mid-40s so maybe a few more will crawl out of the woodwork in the next few years.