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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever had to end a relationship but that meant that...

80 replies

LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:41

It would leave your ex in a really shitt Y position.

I can't do this any more. I'm miserable.

But my partner moved here to be with me. If we split it means no house, no money. We have no savings so no way to immediately set up an apartment. No family support for my partner.

Basically I would be throwing them under the bus.
But I'm so unhappy.

I don't kbow what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:42

I'm in housing association property. We aren't married. Only together 2 years.

If they left they would have a bag and nothing else and no where to go :(

OP posts:
shaftedbythesystem · 20/10/2018 16:48

Does he have a job?

shaftedbythesystem · 20/10/2018 16:49

Sorry, assumed he. My apologies if incorrect.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 20/10/2018 16:51

You can't put someone else's happiness before your own in this sort of situation though. It's one thing if there are children involved, but if it's just you and him, then all bets are off.
Why do you want to split? If there have been problems in the relationship for some time and he's aware of those, but hasn't addressed them with you, then it's kind of tough luck if he's out on his ear. But if he's trundling along happily, with no idea how you're feeling, then it would be kinder to at least give him a heads up as to what's coming so that he can start mentally preparing.

OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 20/10/2018 16:52

Same assumption here, actually, but advice still stands.

Gettingbackonmyfeet · 20/10/2018 16:52

It's really hard but yes I have , in my marriage I was the higher earner and although he worked I knew that he would have to move back into his emotionally abusive mother's house

I went back and forth for ages but ultimately the relationship wasn't abusive but it was toxic and it wasn't good for the DC,

I had also given him every possible chance on earth to work with me on fixing our marriage and he chose not to take the offers so ultimately he left me no choice

He now says himself that he put himself there (to be fair he's being hard on himself there very much so it take a two to end a marriage and I was very much I t he wrong too)

Life is far too short and if he is an adult he will have to figure it out

Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:53

No job because I am on long term illness benefits and they were added to my claim rather than me lose the claim I had gone to tribunal and fought for.

So they also gave up work.

I've felt like this for a while. It's just getting worse

OP posts:
Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:54

If they carried on working it would have messed everything up and sent me onto universal credit

OP posts:
Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:56

We have no children together but my kids are adoring of them.

That as just no intimacy. No warmth. No sex. It's like a house share. We argue and get frustrated at each other. It just doesn't work at all

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 20/10/2018 16:57

But they're an adult, and life throws shit at us sometimes. They're going to have to deal with it.

If the boot was on the other foot, would they continue in the relationship?

Rebecca36 · 20/10/2018 16:57

If you are desperately, irrevocably unhappy, you must end the relationship. It is sad if one half of the partnership has nothing much in the way of material goods but that's life. Looking on the bright side, he can travel light, move on more easily and it won't be forever.

Do be sure that is what you want though. Maybe even a trial separation first. Good luck.

CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 20/10/2018 17:09

No, but I've stayed in an unhappy relationship because I thought it was best for everyone but me only to have them shit all over me and it went tits up anyway... So I will forever regret that I didn't bail out on my own terms.

SendintheArdwolves · 20/10/2018 17:11

Baldly, his housing isn't your responsibility. But I understand that it's easy to say and hard to do.

You can't stay with him - you guys need to split up. You can suggest options for him, but it isn't your job to keep going out with him until you have sorted his life out for him.

Can he go back to where he was living before he moved? If you can't afford to "set up an apartment" then I guess he'll have to move into a room in a shared house, won't he? Hardly the end of the world.

SendintheArdwolves · 20/10/2018 17:13

Sorry, another one who assumed "he" pronouns. Apologies!

Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 17:13

My partner is a female and vulnerable too. Which shouldn't make it worse but it does. She has a history of self harm and suicide attempts.

I wa straying to be vague but it doesn't work very well when trying to explain things

OP posts:
OhDearGodLookAtThisMess · 20/10/2018 17:18

My friend stayed in a hideous relationship because she felt guilty that he had nowhere to go entirely his own fault. It almost broke her emotionally, and she ended up paying him many thousands to leave - which he pissed up the wall and still came back for more.

Gemini69 · 20/10/2018 17:18

then you need to have someone else present when you end the relationship... and have Her belongings packed and ready to go immediately... you cannot be responsible for someone else's welfare.. especially as it's making you so very unhappy ... Flowers

Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 17:20

Her last break up put her in hospital with an overdose.
I feel so trapped

OP posts:
YesitsJacqueline · 20/10/2018 17:20

I'm still living with ex dp a year on for various reasons - finances tied up in the house and business , small child. It's working for us as co parents and housemates , but hes not vulnerable and it was a mutual decision as we just fell out of love.
You will have to have a conversation like pp said , spell out the options.
Maybe give her a long time frame to get used to things and put a plan together.

YesitsJacqueline · 20/10/2018 17:23

Unless she is abusive or making a bad environment for your children then just remember you loved each other once , if you don't actively dislike her then try to show a bit of kindness.
Of course you need to think of your future but show a bit of compassion at the same time

Original poster
LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 17:28

I've shown compassion for the last year.

I can't do this forever.

OP posts:
CheeseWithCheeseOnTheSide · 20/10/2018 17:33

Her last break up didn't put her in hospital with an overdose, she did. Don't be held hostage.

Theyprobablywill · 20/10/2018 17:34

Does your partner know you want her to leave?

sirmione16 · 20/10/2018 17:42

I agree with giving her a time frame. She was mature and able enough to drop everything to start over with you, she'll be able to start over again as such. She's not incapable.

Say to her you're sorry but it's not working out, you're officially ending things here but she may take until x date to get things sorted and move out.

I would have it written down somewhere too, for your own peace of mind before she starts saying I need more time or you didn't say that date before etc, and also in the worst case scenario and things turn ugly, a solicitor has proof you said a certain date

It's hard, but in a years time you'll look back and be happier. Best wishes

stopitandtidyupp · 20/10/2018 21:35

Yes I did this and felt really bad. I just couldn't do it anymore. 4 years on we are both happier.

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