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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have you ever had to end a relationship but that meant that...

80 replies

LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:41

It would leave your ex in a really shitt Y position.

I can't do this any more. I'm miserable.

But my partner moved here to be with me. If we split it means no house, no money. We have no savings so no way to immediately set up an apartment. No family support for my partner.

Basically I would be throwing them under the bus.
But I'm so unhappy.

I don't kbow what to do.

OP posts:
Turniptracker · 20/10/2018 22:39

I have been in the exact same position and put off splitting up with ex for a year and a half because I felt so so awful about what the break up would mean to him - no friends, no home, no family. It made me ill with anxiety. And yet I realised I had to live my life for me first and foremost, I couldn't spend my life miserable just to make sure someone else was ok. It's not easy though. In the end I felt bad I had essentially lied to him about my feelings for well over a year and it must've been just as horrible as feeling as being dumped sooner, in a way it was worse I left it so long as he got in deeper and deeper with his feelings. Just do what you have to do. It's not easy but it's the right thing to do

Singlenotsingle · 20/10/2018 22:44

Give her say, six months notice. Then she has plenty of time to prepare herself - get a job, save up for a deposit. If she's not ready after that, she'll just have to take her chances.

Gemini69 · 20/10/2018 23:31

Six months is far too long.... far far too long...

AlphaJuno · 21/10/2018 00:46

My ex still gives me shit about how I didn't 'support' him, is still always asking for 'sympathy' and blames me for splitting up the family. It just makes me realise what a negative, blaming twat he is and my only regret is I didn't get out sooner! If you're not happy you can't not end it because of his feelings. It'll only get worse and he won't thank you for it. Why would he want to be with someone who's not happy anyway? Can't be good for him. Just leave.

AlphaJuno · 21/10/2018 00:47

*her sorry

category12 · 21/10/2018 08:23

Tell her you are splitting, and agree a timeframe for her moving out. A month/six weeks? In the meantime, separate officially so partner can roomhunt, jobseek and get a claim started, and so you can get your benefits claim sorted. (Separate sleeping arrangements, bills, food etc).

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 08:31

She’ll be fine.

I wasn’t the dumper, I was the dumpee when in this position. It was extremely difficult but I got up, dusted myself off and got on with my life.

It could be the making of her. And even if it isn’t, it’s not your responsibility to baby a grown adult when the relationship isn’t working anymore.

Tell her it’s over and that she can have a couple of months max to officially move out, just make sure she is actively making steps and plans to do it ASAP or you can shorten the timeframe.

Original poster
Lindsayit · 21/10/2018 08:50

So I had a conversation last night.

I didn't break up.

It just repeated that I wasn't happy. Neither if us are.

Straight away she said 'I'm not happy either. Because if these constant suicide thoughts

It felt manipulative. It felt like she sensed what was coming and threw that out there straight away to block me going any further..
It worked :(

But when she said we can fix it. I did say we can't. So I think she knows that I'm coming to the end of my tether now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 08:51

So I had a conversation last night.

I didn't break up.

It just repeated that I wasn't happy. Neither if us are.

Straight away she said 'I'm not happy either. Because if these constant suicide thoughts

It felt manipulative. It felt like she sensed what was coming and threw that out there straight away to block me going any further..
It worked sad

But when she said we can fix it. I did say we can't. So I think she knows that I'm coming to the end of my tether now.

OP posts:
Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 08:52

Sorry didn't use capital in my name change.

OP posts:
Escolar · 21/10/2018 08:57

My friend was in this situation. She couldn't bring herself to break up with her boyfriend because he relied on her for everything. In the end she found out that he'd cheated on her and she was so relieved to have a reason to end it!

OP, I don't think you can stay in a relationship you're not happy in. Even

Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 08:59

Escolar she would never cheat. We are together 24/7.

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2018 09:03

We are together 24/7 That's really unhealthy for both of you.

You need to take it that step further than "no it can't be fixed" and onto "how can we best manage the split".

Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 09:06

Category it's due to illness. I can't work and neither can she.

We both have social anxiety. It's just a bad situation.

I told her we are both too ill for this. There's no one to lift us up. Our illnesses just drag us down together

OP posts:
category12 · 21/10/2018 09:14

I understand you're too ill for work, but you said your partner gave up work when she came to live with you because it would have affected your benefits otherwise?

So if she was capable of work before, has her MH has declined significantly (possible due to the living situation)? If not, surely she's capable of jobseeking and living independently again? Either way, you're not doing each other any good together. Perhaps it might come to you having to say you're throwing her out so she can present as homeless to the council?

Gemini69 · 21/10/2018 11:13

She's absolutely manipulating you.. her mental well being is not your issue to fix nor your responsibility to maintain... ask her to leave... is there anyone you can call to support you in asking her to leave .. Flowers

Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 12:14

I can't throw her out into nothing.

I need to tell her but I thinking giving her some time to sort things is only fair.

OP posts:
Readyforapummelling · 21/10/2018 12:28

I feel for you OP I really do. I'm in a shitty relationship that I feel I can't get out of because my partner would have nowhere to go and he is also depressed. I feel like his mother as opposed to his partner. We have been together for 10 years and I am petrified that one day I will wake up and be old and full of regret having stayed with someone I don't love just because I feel sorry for them. But I can't bring myself to hurt him.

He would have to move back into his parents 2 hours away (we are nearing 30) and have a 2 year old DD. I would be perfectly capable of managing on my own both physically and financially, there is nothing holding me back from setting myself free except guilt of throwing his life upside down.

I just wanted you to know you are not alone in this shitty position 

Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 12:31

I'm so sorry you feel the same. 10 years is a long time but another 10 years will feel even longer when you feel that way.

I am now resigned to do it. But need time to prepare

OP posts:
SevenStones · 21/10/2018 12:34

I don't think she will use that time to sort things, OP, I think she'll do nothing then when it comes to the deadline you'll just be in the same place that you are now - unable to ask her to leave because you feel guilty.

I think you need someone with you when you tell her. Give her a month or six weeks. Then every week this someone comes back and you have a conversation about how what she's doing to fin somewhere else, and also to say that she only has 5 weeks, 4 weeks, 3 weeks etc. Also emphasise that the someone will be coming round on the day she moves out to "help". i.e makes sure she leaves.

I think doing this will make her see that you're serious. Plus it will give you much needed support to go through with it.

Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 15:07

You may be right but I can't just end it in a day.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 21/10/2018 15:10

maybe you don't truly want to end it.. ending it takes effort which you don't appear to wish to engage... so make it work Flowers

Original poster
LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 15:12

No I want to end it.

I'm just afraid she will attempt suicide and then I will have that on my conscience forever.

I do not love her like I should. I do not want to live with her.

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 21/10/2018 15:13

I'm just afraid she will attempt suicide and then I will have that on my conscience forever

and that's never going to change.. so you're in this forever.. she has you over an emotional barrel..

OverTheHedgeSammy · 21/10/2018 15:14

Why not? Because in all honesty, by the sounds of it NO preparation or time is going to be of assistance. Whatever you do, she is going to react badly. You need to think what the real benefits to her are of doing it slowly. Because going slow will just keep her hoping that you can be persuaded not to break it off. With that frame of mind she is not going to try to prepare herself for a break up, she just won't.

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