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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Have you ever had to end a relationship but that meant that...

80 replies

LindsayIt · 20/10/2018 16:41

It would leave your ex in a really shitt Y position.

I can't do this any more. I'm miserable.

But my partner moved here to be with me. If we split it means no house, no money. We have no savings so no way to immediately set up an apartment. No family support for my partner.

Basically I would be throwing them under the bus.
But I'm so unhappy.

I don't kbow what to do.

OP posts:

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 15:17

This is so hard :(

I just don't know what to do for the best

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 21/10/2018 15:40

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

The best course of action is to live life without her in it. All she is doing here is dragging you down with her. You have already stated that you do not want to live with her.

I would read about codependency and enabling in this relationship because you are both codependent and her enabler. Why should her needs be more important than yours?. This is a codependent relationship and its very unhealthy.

It is not your problem that she has nowhere to go; this woman targeted you and deliberately so because of your own circumstances. She is playing you like a violin here because she is mainpulative.

Gemini69 · 21/10/2018 15:40

You DO what is best for you and your children... NOBODY else....

if you were really honest with yourself.. would you want her gone NOW.. if the answer if Yes then you must ask to move out in 7 days... if not sooner... she will threaten suicide.. so call her an ambulance

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 15:49

I just don't know what to do for the best

What do you think to the advice and comments that have been offered on here so far OP?

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 15:51

Look, people do what works for them.

If you stay with her, it’s obviously because from the available options you feel it suits you better to keep the relationship going rather than deal with the difficulty and effort it’ll take to end it.

Once those scales tip and being with her is worse than the stress and effort it takes to end it, you will.

People are pretty simple. If you want to end this, you will. If you don’t it’s because for whatever reason, this is working for you.

Is there a part of you that likes feeling needed? Or the drama?

Babydontcry · 21/10/2018 15:53

So am I right your partner gave up work so as not to effect your benefits?

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 15:53

And it doesn’t necessarily have to make sense to those of us outside of your situation, the decision you make.

If you want to stay with her because it’s preferable to going through the hassle of ending it, that’s absolutely your decision. Just as leaving her is.

Only you know what is best for your own life, nobody else. Not readers on a forum, not your partner, you.

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/10/2018 15:58

OP, finishing it will be an act of kindness if your DP is experiencing suicidal ideation in the current situation. If, post break up she chooses to end her life, that's her perogative, not your fault.

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 15:59

It's very easy on paper.

But in real life It's so different.

She did give up work. But she was struggling working. She was in and out of A&E and on the verge of loosing her job and home. That's why we moved in. At the time it just made sense.

OP posts:

tamzinro · 21/10/2018 16:03

@LindsayIt if she kills her self you will not have it on your conscience because it wouldn't be your fault .she is making you unhappy, you are choosing to accept that . Your choice and nobody can decide for you.

tamzinro · 21/10/2018 16:04

@LindsayIt actually you should make a choice considering your children , is her being in your life benefiting your children?

Linked0ut · 21/10/2018 16:05

sounds awful OP. You have to put your own happiness first though. Try to talk to her.

BackToTheFuschia7 · 21/10/2018 16:13

There’s no point delaying now, better to tell her and let her start to come to terms with it. She probably senses it’s coming anyway, hence the suicidal comment. Very manipulative of her to do that.

Agree with PPs that it was also very unhealthy for her to give up work and spend 24/7 together. That would test even the healthiest relationship.

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 16:14

're my kids yes. My kids love her and she is great with them.

But she should be my girlfriend. Not a good nanny :(

OP posts:

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 16:14

But in real life It's so different.

The execution is different, sure, and not easy. But the decision is staggeringly simple.

You don’t want to be with her.

You can stay with someone who is already miserable out of a sense of fear or duty. Or you can end it and move onto a better life with the one life you have.

That’s the decision you have to make here, and a page or so ago you claimed you’d made it.

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 16:15

I am now resigned to do it. But need time to prepare

You said this, less than four hours ago?

Missingstreetlife · 21/10/2018 16:21

Is she getting help for mental distress? I would think about talking to her cpn or keyworker if she won't. Don't be blackmailed.
Will mental health services or mind support her, she needs to find somewhere to live. Sounds like she could do with supported living for a short while

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 16:23

I am resigned to do it. But I don't know what to say or how long to give her to sort herself out.

OP posts:

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 16:24

I have a number for her crisis team yes.

OP posts:

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 16:25

If I called them would they attend whilst I tell her?

Or would that just make it worse? Having strangers there

OP posts:

tamzinro · 21/10/2018 16:26

@LindsayIt is it the intimacy side of things you are missing ?

DioneTheDiabolist · 21/10/2018 16:33

Tell her, then call the Crisis Team if you think she needs it. I'm not sure how much time to give, but I would recommend 1 week or less.

JessieLemon · 21/10/2018 16:36

They wouldn’t attend to chaperone a break up conversation. They’re stretched as it is!

Is she currently having mental health support or registered with a service?

If so you can ring them and just ask their advice and let them know that tomorrow for example you’ll be telling her and see what they say.

I can predict already, they’ll just ask you to remind her of their number and the number for samaritans if she responds badly. Which she probably will.

That truly is all you can or should do OP, she is an adult even though she has MH issues, like many of us do. Did you know if you’re concerned about her you can ring samaritans yourself on 116123 and ask them to ring her to provide support?

I’m glad you’ve made the decision to do it, and now it’s purely figuring out how. But at some point you will need to take a deep breath, sit down and tell her. What she does after that is NOT YOUR PROBLEM.

Original poster

LindsayIt · 21/10/2018 16:37

I'm going to tell her next weekend.

The kids are off school this week so there will no no opportunity to talk or shield them if things get shouty.

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 21/10/2018 17:24

when you tell her.. and things escalate to suicidal threats and you feel it is necessary to call the Crisis Team.. then call them lovely... don't be living with someone under duress because they have threatened to harm themselves...

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