Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Is he into me or not?

96 replies

HelpMeMakeSense · 20/10/2018 14:45

NC, been here for a while now, but since I may prove to be totally naive I thought I'd stay anon for this one.

I've met a guy at work. I haven't worked at the place for long and he's always stuck out a bit for some reason or another. There is a 10-year age gap between us (I'm mid-30s, he is mid-40s) and we are at very different stages in our lives.

We recently were due to have a work do and since we live quite close to each other, I offered to drive, so got his number for that purpose. We then started talking quite a bit during shared lunch times and after work as we work on several projects (together, but independently of each other, if that makes sense).

He is quite a reserved type. I know he is single and has recently gone through a rather shitty patch in life, although I get the impression that he has not been in a long-term (or any) relationship in a good while. He has talked to me quite a bit about his work-related past, some of which was reasonably confidential. He has also alluded to a few things going on in his private life, although he is yet to go into any sort of detail of his past, but he has talked about some things he has going on, which are making his life currently quite stressful. Like I said, he is quite reserved in general.

I have been openly flirtatious a few times. His body language tells me that he responds; his eyes triangulate mine and my mouth, he can mirror me quite a bit, but he stays outwardly neutral, does not flirt back, but also does not in any way suggest that he minds how I act with him. If anything, it's like he doesn't know how to respond.

So far I could be imagining things, of course. Part of me thinks I might, because our work do was cancelled at short notice and I offered that we go out regardless and he rejected my offer saying he wasn't feeling well. But then he stayed behind at work for an extra hour and a half that same day as the two of us got talking, even though he had no reason to (I did - I was waiting for a colleague to finish a phone call to a client as I needed to make a similar call myself before the end of the day). There was no one else to talk to and every time he made a move to pack up and go he seemed to think better of it and made himself comfortable again to talk to me some more.

Text messages were initiated by me so far, although he told me at one point to "keep it up and we will get on grand". And while he did not go out with me, he suggested we all get together next week instead. I then said I'd like to see him one-to-one at some point, too; it's nicer to talk that way and he agreed.

He gives off the impression that he is a very private type. He is certainly introverted and admits as much; even said to me that he needs alone time all the time at home and otherwise cannot function.

He may be painfully shy. He gives off the air that someone has royally fucked him over at some point in his life. He clearly responds well to me and he initiates coversation quite a bit, always remembering details of our last conversation.

But the jury is out - is he actually into me? I don't want to be too blunt with him right now. He knows we both have very different lives right now. I don't want to scare him away by coming on too strongly too fast, but I cannot stop thinking about him and it's driving me crazy.

What do mumsnet think?

OP posts:

thesix · 20/10/2018 14:52

What is it about him that you are into? It comes across (this could be totally wrong, just trying to help you think through) to be the chase a bit from reading between the lines as the only things that seem to be mentioned are reasons why it might not be a good idea - different stages in your lives, his evasiveness about his past etc.

Betsyboop123 · 20/10/2018 14:53

Hard to say hun. Seems like he maybe painfully shy or cautious but actually into you, or he could of been distancing u as a potential lover (partner) by not going out with you alone, but rather asking to go out as a group cos he prefers u as a mate. What about just messaging him about u liking him, lay your cards on the table, but make sure he knows it wouldnt cause any issues at work if he just wants to be mates x

Bluntness100 · 20/10/2018 14:57

I'm sorry op, I think if he was into uou he'd have accepted your invite to go out, and if he was really ill, he'd have said, no but how about on x day. The fact he didn't would say he's not interested.

He's clearly fully aware you fancy him though and is flattered.

Original poster

HelpMeMakeSense · 20/10/2018 14:59

What is it about him that you are into?

While the chase may play a part (it's been a while for me since I have had these almost teenage-like feelings), he actually just seems a very decent man. He is helpful, kind, polite, and while he is not objectively a looker, he has the most beautiful eyes and smile. He rarely fully smiles, but he has done in coversation with me.

I forgot to mention, he does suffer from anxiety and openly admits to it. I think it may play a role in why he is so careful.

Thank you also @Betsyboop123 for not making me feel like I am completely making all of this up.

OP posts:

Justtickingboxes · 20/10/2018 15:00

Seems like a bit of a tricky type of guy. Realistically, you are doing all the work and he is quite guarded. Perhaps he is too into his career to risk an office fling or doesn't consider colleagues to be potential girlfriends. Not sure what you really like about him, apart from the challenge?

Justtickingboxes · 20/10/2018 15:08

To be honest, I think this needs more time to develop, but you mention more problems than positives about him.

Original poster

HelpMeMakeSense · 20/10/2018 15:15

He's not the career type, so I doubt that that plays a role. He reminds me of someone I once knew who was very similar in mannerisms and simply hadn't had a girlfriend in over a decade, so had lost all confidence in himself.

Yes, he is very guarded. And I wouldn't think he was into me at all if it wasn't for the way he holds eye contact with me, the fact that the only times I have ever seen him really smile was when he talked to me (as opposed to our small, close-knit team, who all get on very well) and the fact that despite feeling ill he still stayed on for an hour and a half after work to talk to me, with him making the effort to keep the conversation going at that point.

OP posts:

Original poster

HelpMeMakeSense · 20/10/2018 15:17

you mention more problems than positives about him

I've had some very negative experiences with men in the past. Most of my partners have been abusive. In that sense I am very careful to put on rose-tinted glasses about any man.

OP posts:

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 20/10/2018 15:23

Sorry but this sounds like way too much like hard work at this stage. From the outside looking in you appear to be doing all the chasing and all the initiating. I'd pull back and move on. If he is interested he will express it, even if he is shy

NK1cf53daaX127805d4fd5 · 20/10/2018 15:25

Also if he was well enough to stay in work for 1.5hrs he was well enough to go for a drink with you.

Butterfly44 · 20/10/2018 15:36

I think if he really liked you he would have taken you up on the offer of going out than wanted to be in the group. He might just be liking the attention. How do you know he doesn't have someone else already that he hasn't told you about? Sounds like he keeps his life quite private.
Sorry, but if someone liked someone they would make more of an effort and especially not reject invitations or at least suggest another time. I don't think this is going anywhere OP. You have nothing to lose by asking him. Why not say ...I've got tickets to x do you fancy coming and take it from there.

SuperSuperSuper · 20/10/2018 15:56

He sounds like me. Over-cautious, anxious about getting too close.

I reckon he likes you and enjoys the chat, but is reluctant go to the next step. A bit like a football team that plays well but doesn't score goals - the "finish" is the problem.

I think you need a proper cards-on-the-table conversation. You may need to take it slowly if he's had a traumatic relationship history, but if he's worth it that's fine (unless you want kids I suppose).

DevilsAdvocados · 20/10/2018 16:00

The golden rule is "if you have to ask the question, the answer is no".

That's all.

Does he fancy me? (if he did you'd know and wouldn't need to ask)
Does he like me in that way? (if he did you'd know and wouldn't need to ask)
Do you love me? (if he did you wouldn't need to ask)

Hurryupbacktoschool · 20/10/2018 16:18

He sounds a bit wet. Can you be bothered?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 20/10/2018 16:20

Sorry OP. I think he likes you but not 'like that'. He enjoys your company but he made it clear that 'we all get together'. Somebody who fancies you would have made the suggestion that this be one-on-one, but you did that, not him.

Ask yourself if what you've posted has been a fair representation of events or whether you have cherry-picked some of the more positive interactions? If so, it's probably unwitting, you want the responses here to be encouraging and that's natural.

From what you've posted, I can read the interest from you but it goes one way, in my opinion. Sorry.

JessieLemon · 20/10/2018 16:21

No, he absolutely isn’t. He doesn’t initiate messages, has told you he needs alone time all the time when he’s not at work, he declined your offer to go out together (he was willing to go with the group but not you alone). He’s not into you beyond maybe friendship and if you keep going you’ll make a right tit of yourself!

None of this suggests romance or attraction. It’s all how people behave with others they get along with as friends. And when he had the chance to spend time with you alone on the cancelled evening out he declined.

Move on!

busybarbara · 20/10/2018 16:27

He's being professional. We complain when men aren't like this and trying to hit on to us. I wish more were like this guy.

Siun · 20/10/2018 16:27

I think you might have to reveal feeling yourself first before he will risk it. Not to totally put your heart on yr sleeve but if he asks about something maybe look like omg thaaat is a lonng story and thensuggest going out to discuss it over a glass of wine.
If he doesnt match yr bravery or match yr revelation then stop trying and stop wondering.
Sympsthies tho. This crap was my "romantic" history til i gave up looking.

CarryOnScreamingValenta · 20/10/2018 16:31

our work do was cancelled at short notice and I offered that we go out regardless and he rejected my offer saying he wasn't feeling well. But then he stayed behind at work for an extra hour and a half that same day

This tells you all you need to know. He isn't into you. If he were, he'd have accepted your offer (he can't have been very unwell if he stayed late at work) or at the very least, suggested you go out another time.

Someone who is into you will take any possible opportunity to spend time with you.

If you have to ask the question, the person probably isn't.

SendintheArdwolves · 20/10/2018 16:43

Sorry, but I don't think he is into you as anything other than a friend.

You have tried (repeatedly) to move the friendship out of "work colleagues" and into "date" territory. Each time he has politely turned the offer down, and reframed your interactions as work colleagues.

I really think it would be a bad idea to "confront" him with your feelings or otherwise press the issue. It will be very awkward for him and you to force an outright rejection.

Your only evidence in the "plus" column is that he looks at your eyes and mouth while you talk, and other vague "body language" guff. You ignore his actions and his words, and instead decide he is attracted to you based on "mirroring" and "smiling". Can you take a step back and see how...creepy that sounds?

Bouledeneige · 20/10/2018 16:46

He's not into you otherwise he would respond more positively. He also sounds like his life isn't going too well at the moment so not an ideal partner anyway. And even if something did happen you'd probably have to do all the work.

Find someone fun and happy!

Original poster

HelpMeMakeSense · 20/10/2018 16:59

Thanks everyone for your opinions so far.

I really don't know how much of it all is hopeful thinking and how much reality; when I am with him or even just thinking of him I have butterflies and my heart is racing like mad.

But this Find someone fun and happy! really irks me. So are people with anxiety and depression not worth being in a relationship with?

OP posts:

Justtickingboxes · 20/10/2018 17:12

Just read that you have a history of abusive relationships and that set an alarm bell ringing. You are feeling attracted to a guy who has openly admitted to having mental health issues (anxiety), who requires solitude and has a troubled past. Do you unconsciously go for guys who need saving?

Justtickingboxes · 20/10/2018 17:14

Damaged people are obviously worth knowing and befriending, but not exactly dream relationship material.

Justtickingboxes · 20/10/2018 17:16

And people don't change. He would not make an ideal husband or father of your children.

Flip

1 2 3 4