Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants to come home. MN I need your help

82 replies

NickyNora · 20/10/2018 14:12

Dp left 2 weeks ago, I asked him to go. I planned it for about 3/4 months.

19 yr relationship, we have 4 dc. 2 of our dc have SN so very difficult home life at times. I've posted lots of times about his lack of support, affection, apathy & him not taking responsibility for himself or the dc.

Hes now begging me to try again.
I feel so guilty as hes staying at his friends house. Hes lonely, depressed & his health is deteriorating.

But I've changed.

I have had a really crap year. Early menopause diagnosed (postmenopausal by 43). 3 surgeries on my eyes. Diagnosed with Sjogrens Syndrome as well. Youngest dc started school. Older dc school placement breaking down... As well as
really severe anxiety (which I've had CBT for, it was very helpful).

Dp seems to think I can just forget about him totally ignoring, not supporting or caring for me for almost a year. Actually for years but tbe last year i really needed him to support me.

He never acknowledged it when i told him i was in the menopause.
He asked me once if i was ok when i had the 3 operations. Didn't help with the dc or house. I got an infection after the first surgery, it was excruciating.
He doesn't know about the Sjogrens as there was no point in telling him.

I used to beg him to talk to me. He'd sit & not respond or communicate. I would get so upset, angry & often cry out of frustration & hurt.

Now he wants to come home.

I feel guilty, stressed & suffocated by him. I lost it with him yesterday as i had tons of paperwork to do but he made an excuse to come here & didn't leave til just before the dc finished school. He has found a reason or excuse to come here everyday. I don't have the time or capacity to deal with him for hours on end.

I've told him to give me some head space.

How do i deal with this?
I can't think straight. Im so stressed i drove on tbe wrong side of the road yesterday & only realised when i almost hit an oncoming car. I missed an important deadline to do with my sons school placement & was totally unaware.
I'm struggling to function.

I need to get a grip.

MN please help me work this out.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 20/10/2018 14:16

Can't you not let him in the house? Stop meeting him. Don't answers calls. You need to detach to get the space you so obviously need.

He sounds like an arsehole.

Mamia15 · 20/10/2018 14:17

Just say no - you do not need to give reasons. Then stop engaging.

Peach1886 · 20/10/2018 14:19

Lovely, buy yourself some time so you can think straight...tell him you aren't going to make a decision until X date, and that the more he hassles the further into the future the date will move. You've been waiting a long time for him to do the right thing, and he hasn't; he doesn't get to set the pace now Flowers

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/10/2018 14:20

He came here on Monday to talk as we hadn't talkednat all since he left. Another day as it was our youngest dc first school event. Another day he picked ds up as i was at a meeting.Yesterday he brought our usual monthly shop from the cash & carry. Its all valid reasons but I've not asked him once to come here.

OP posts:
ShesABelter · 20/10/2018 14:21

No I absolutely wouldn't let him back. He doesn't care for you the way he should at all. Sounds like it is all about him and he gets an easy ride with you.

Does he not work?

Cawfee · 20/10/2018 14:29

Of course he wants to come back. You’ve been carrying him for years. He’s lazy and now he’s got to think for himself. He doesn’t like it. Now you’ve got rid, take some time and find your feet without him. Don’t feel guilty and don’t be pressurised. Tell him you want a week without hearing from him or seeing him.

bubbles108 · 20/10/2018 14:36

I would only allow him in the house whilst he waits for the kids to put their outdoor clothes on when he calls to take them out on his childcare dates

Even then I might be inclined to make sure they are ready when he calls

Any conversation you and he need to have should be away from the family home

'Lose' the front door key so you have to get the locks changed. 'Forget' to give him a key

Keep all other doors locked

Do not take him back - ever

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/10/2018 14:36

Yes he works.

Its the one thing hes always done.

But he has developed lots of health problems due to his weight & his GP has signed him off work for a month.Hmm

He did similar a few years ago when we split up.

I was thinking of saying i need a week of not dealing with him. Its Half term & i really can't deal with him as well as the dc.

OP posts:
Mamia15 · 20/10/2018 14:36

All pick ups and handovers should be at the door step.He has no respect for you and your need for space so don't let him in.

bubbles108 · 20/10/2018 14:37

was thinking of saying i need a week of not dealing with him.

A week?

How about 2 months?

And then file for divorce

LannieDuck · 20/10/2018 14:38

I think I would tell him that I was fed up of him making my life harder. And until he could demonstrate that he made my life easier and happier, that I wasn't interested in resuming anything.

He could reliably do the school run, or sort out DCs clubs, take over the responsibility of sorting out the schooling admin (if you trust him not to screw it up), make polite small talk when he happens to see you, recognise that you don't want him around and not hassle you. He could show he cared through his actions. Until then, I wouldn't even consider letting him back.

AwdBovril · 20/10/2018 14:40

Suddenly, it's having a negative impact on him and he's discovered that he's sorry? How predictable.

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/10/2018 14:41

I feel like i cant think straight. Hes no idea of how hurt i have been this year.

Dont get me wrong. My moods have been absolutely bonkers!
Hesl says whatever he does indoors isn't good enough. I am fussy but hes so slack. I've never asked him to do housework. I want him to do the DIY, the back garden (i do the front) & the cars. He does hardly any of it. House needs decorating from top to bottom. Garden has never been finished...Blush

OP posts:
Doyoumind · 20/10/2018 14:42

You've taken such a positive step by ending it. Don't take a step backwards. Stand firm. Keep contact civil and about the children only and not inside your home. Yes, he feels bad but he will get better in time and you can't risk your own mental health for the sake of his.

Lemond1fficult · 20/10/2018 14:58

I loved my dad, but he was no good for my mum. You sound just like her.

In their case, they limped on for 30 years until eventually they separated. They were both happier after the initial adjustment.

He will never ever change. If you weren't happy with him before, you won't be this time either. Don't be ashamed for having standards. Stay firm!

TidyLike · 20/10/2018 15:00

No, no, no. Sounds like he is a dead weight. You have enough to deal with. He is feeling sorry for himself and wants you to look after him. Block this manchild!

Original poster
NickyNora · 20/10/2018 15:17

I agree with all the responses!

I can't bare the idea of another 19 years like this. I just feel responsible for him.

The dc have to be my priority. The boys have SN & are hard work. I need to keep it all together for them.

Dp (not dh as we aren't married, because i didn't organise it!) I feel is manipulating me & wearing me down.

Believe me, no-one would be in my situation through choice. 4 dc & 4 different schools.
2 ds in 2 different special schools. 2 lots of transport every day. Oldest dc is at high school so at least i dont have to worry about her of a morning/afternoon.

Last week i had 2 teacher consultations on tbe same day in 2 different schools on oppisite sides of the city.

Add to that dealing with Camhs plus a secondary school application for 1 of the ds is exhausting. Both boys have medical, eating & sleeping issues... its exhausting.

OP posts:
Butterfly44 · 20/10/2018 15:52

Absolutely you do not have him back. That's it. Relationship over. You talk regarding logistics and kids which it looks like should now be at fixed times so he only comes to pick them up when it's arranged and does not just come round.

You fully know it won't change, or it will for a week or two and then go back. You've had it for years you know the score. He can't give what you need. He's another child to take care of than a support to you.

I know it's hard and you feel sorry for him but he's a grown adult and needs to take responsibility for himself. You've got yourself and 4 kids to be responsible for! Your health matters and he will only drag you back. You are not being unkind. He needs to move in and figure out his own situation and he will never move on and do that if he's back in the safety net. So it's a positive! And it takes time. 2 weeks is nothing. It's still raw.

pointythings · 20/10/2018 17:08

Don't have him back. He brought nothing to your life and that won't change. He's realised life alone when he has to fend for himself is hard - poor diddums... Your life without him will be better - you have it tough enough without having a lazy manchild around as well. Stand firm and focus on the logistics of contact with the DCs and no more.

Bacardibabe · 20/10/2018 17:24

Think you have enough responsibility to deal with. You shouldn't have to feel responsible for him too. He hasn't supported you from what you say. He is relying on you feeling guilty. If you have already gone throu this once and its taken 4 months to get him out no wonder you're exhausted! As someone else said change the locks. Text him tell him you need some space.( Not to make a decision just space full stop). You will regret it the minute you let him back. Imagine doing it and how that would feel. It's not as if it would benefit you or yr dcs in any way. Stay strong OPFlowers

PaleRider1 · 20/10/2018 17:28

No don’t take him back. It will be history repeating itself- you’ve already split up once before and obviously got back together.

You need to do what is right for you, not your partner. Choose the next path wisely or you’ll end up on the same merry go round going in circles

Yonijust · 20/10/2018 17:28

NO, NO & NO.

He will be the same after a week of settling back in.

Keep thinking I would get so upset, angry & often cry out of frustration & hurt

Happy times ahead Flowers

PanamaPattie · 20/10/2018 17:35

"He is lonely, depressed and his health is deteriorating". Says who? Not your problem. Block and delete him from your life. You don't need another child to look after. Your plate is already overflowing.

AcrossthePond55 · 20/10/2018 17:53

Of course he wants back in. Not because he's remorseful, but because he wants his cushy life back. Fuck that! You just remember that if you let him back in you will be right back where you started. Right now you're 2 weeks down your new road and still walking on!

Is he just walking in or are you letting him in? If the former, change the locks if the house is in your sole name (or you think you can get away with it i.e. 'lost or broke' the key). Otherwise put chains or safety latches across the doors or keep a key in the lock so he can't just walk in. If you're letting him in, stop. If he wants to 'talk' (i.e. freeload for the day) then tell him you will be out but can meet him at and you can talk there, or he can call you. In a public place it's much less likely that they'll pull an emotional scene and it's much easier to say "Oh my, look at the time! I must go I'm late for XXX!!" and get up and leave. It puts YOU in control.

As far as feeling 'responsible' for him, well, he certainly never felt 'responsible' for YOU, did he? No, he did not! Remember that when he starts his boo-hooing. Ask yourself "Where were you when I was the one crying?". And repeat to yourself "No longer my circus, definitely NOT my monkey!!!".

KPjoenix · 20/10/2018 18:34

Who owns the house? What will be the financial ramifications of splitting up?