He wants to come home. MN I need your help

[NickyNora]

Dp left 2 weeks ago, I asked him to go. I planned it for about 3/4 months.

19 yr relationship, we have 4 dc. 2 of our dc have SN so very difficult home life at times. I've posted lots of times about his lack of support, affection, apathy & him not taking responsibility for himself or the dc.

Hes now begging me to try again.
I feel so guilty as hes staying at his friends house. Hes lonely, depressed & his health is deteriorating.

But I've changed.

I have had a really crap year. Early menopause diagnosed (postmenopausal by 43). 3 surgeries on my eyes. Diagnosed with Sjogrens Syndrome as well. Youngest dc started school. Older dc school placement breaking down... As well as
really severe anxiety (which I've had CBT for, it was very helpful).

Dp seems to think I can just forget about him totally ignoring, not supporting or caring for me for almost a year. Actually for years but tbe last year i really needed him to support me.

He never acknowledged it when i told him i was in the menopause.
He asked me once if i was ok when i had the 3 operations. Didn't help with the dc or house. I got an infection after the first surgery, it was excruciating.
He doesn't know about the Sjogrens as there was no point in telling him.

I used to beg him to talk to me. He'd sit & not respond or communicate. I would get so upset, angry & often cry out of frustration & hurt.

Now he wants to come home.

I feel guilty, stressed & suffocated by him. I lost it with him yesterday as i had tons of paperwork to do but he made an excuse to come here & didn't leave til just before the dc finished school. He has found a reason or excuse to come here everyday. I don't have the time or capacity to deal with him for hours on end.

I've told him to give me some head space.

How do i deal with this?
I can't think straight. Im so stressed i drove on tbe wrong side of the road yesterday & only realised when i almost hit an oncoming car. I missed an important deadline to do with my sons school placement & was totally unaware.
I'm struggling to function.

I need to get a grip.

MN please help me work this out.

He is entitled to see his children however, & you should use this to your advantage, (depending on his relationship with them) you need to work out when it suits you & where, due to SN DCs. he hasn't get a flat.so he wouldn't be able to take them home.
He will soon get mad he hasn't got a home anymore, he doesn't want to "start again", he will start threatening & may sign off work long term for health reasons so will have no salary deliberately.
I think I would tel him he needs to find permanent alternative accommodation. The relationship is definitively over, & repeat. as for pestering messages, could you block his phone & & create an email address only for him which you consult when you have the time/energy

The dc are 4, 10.13 &17.

The 10 & 13 yr olds are Autistic.
The 13 yr old has almost no relationship with his dad.

Its very difficult to get him to go out even when its to do something he likes.

I am looking into a cheap PAYG phone as im so exhausted after last night's barage of messages.

I don't have anyone that could help with filtering off messages.

I'm waiting for him to get angry...

Money will definitely be an issue, thats why i planned this over a few months.

I feel really down today.

I am wondering what on earth I'm doing.
Stuck here now, 4 dc. My dc are so challenging. I can't take them to swinning, park or anything like that, hell i cant find a Carer to care for them.

I can't even pop to the shop.

But i knew all this.

Thanks for your helpful & supportive comments.

He is obviously thinking he can wear you down. A cheap PAYG for him only and block him on your main number. Or set up a email address on gmail or something for him to use and block on the phone altogether. If he uses a mate's phone to call you, block that too. Tell him by a message to stop harassing you and involve the police if you need too. I can't remember if you have spoken to Women's Aid?
I realise you need to be in contact about the children and finances but anything else is harassment..

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

DO NOT TAKE HIM BACK

He is not your responsibility OP.

[grin]@cheesefield don't worry i won't!!

Currently forcing stroppy dc to wash & eat we are going to get out of this house today, if it kills me!

Off to a forest for a walk & some fresh air.

Definitely agree with the PAYG phone tactic.

Hope you got your walk in. Fresh air is the best. Next to sleep!