He wants to come home. MN I need your help

[NickyNora]

Dp left 2 weeks ago, I asked him to go. I planned it for about 3/4 months.

19 yr relationship, we have 4 dc. 2 of our dc have SN so very difficult home life at times. I've posted lots of times about his lack of support, affection, apathy & him not taking responsibility for himself or the dc.

Hes now begging me to try again.
I feel so guilty as hes staying at his friends house. Hes lonely, depressed & his health is deteriorating.

But I've changed.

I have had a really crap year. Early menopause diagnosed (postmenopausal by 43). 3 surgeries on my eyes. Diagnosed with Sjogrens Syndrome as well. Youngest dc started school. Older dc school placement breaking down... As well as
really severe anxiety (which I've had CBT for, it was very helpful).

Dp seems to think I can just forget about him totally ignoring, not supporting or caring for me for almost a year. Actually for years but tbe last year i really needed him to support me.

He never acknowledged it when i told him i was in the menopause.
He asked me once if i was ok when i had the 3 operations. Didn't help with the dc or house. I got an infection after the first surgery, it was excruciating.
He doesn't know about the Sjogrens as there was no point in telling him.

I used to beg him to talk to me. He'd sit & not respond or communicate. I would get so upset, angry & often cry out of frustration & hurt.

Now he wants to come home.

I feel guilty, stressed & suffocated by him. I lost it with him yesterday as i had tons of paperwork to do but he made an excuse to come here & didn't leave til just before the dc finished school. He has found a reason or excuse to come here everyday. I don't have the time or capacity to deal with him for hours on end.

I've told him to give me some head space.

How do i deal with this?
I can't think straight. Im so stressed i drove on tbe wrong side of the road yesterday & only realised when i almost hit an oncoming car. I missed an important deadline to do with my sons school placement & was totally unaware.
I'm struggling to function.

I need to get a grip.

MN please help me work this out.

Sending you a big hug OP. To be asking the question, must tell you it won’t work, it sounds like the relationship is over. If he is unable to open up and talk to you, you will be back to square one in no time at all. Stick to your guns.

You need to set really clear boundaries. Tell him that he is responsible for himself just like you are responsible for yourself and you both need to work on yourselves separately for a couple of months before you can even talk about the future. Refuse to contemplate anything else.

Work out contact times that suit you and offer them.

If he turns up at any other time don’t let him in.
Get a special cheap phone just for him to contact you on and only turn it on 3 times a week.

. It sounds tough but once you can reduce the stress on you by stopping him bothering you, life will improve.

Oh poor you.

What’s the MN mantra? “No” is a complete sentence.

You are released from your obligations towards this feckless man. You’re a saint, actually.

Whose house is it? Is it rented/owned? If owned, are you on the deeds? If so, you need to get an occupation order to keep him out.

He's not letting you move on, or even have time to think. He wants what he's used to, and not have to make the effort to organise his own life.

Change the locks, have children ready to walk out the door if he's collecting them. You must establish your boundaries, he can't go wandering around the house as if he still lives there.

He did't want to stay and he doesn't want to go, he's a pain in the arse. It doesn't matter what he wants now, when it's too late. When he starts snivelling, just remind yourself about the times you cried and asked for support and didn't get it.

LIfe will be easier for you on your own.

It hasn’t been long enough for a break. You have enough to deal with so get rid of him, as he’s useless it seems and more hassle than it’s worth. It will be hard for you but you’ll manage. Stay strong.

Tell him you need the space. Each time he pushes back extend that time.

Bloody hell op. I thought I had a lot on my plate! It think you have more than enough going on without having to worry about a man-child as well.
Personally, I would TELL him you want a no-contact 2 week break. Be very firm and tell him not to contact you at all in that time as you need space. I can guarantee that after those 2 weeks you will realise you’re better off without the extra aggro he brings. It will be hard on your own, but you’re doing everything on your own now anyway. You’ll just be losing the deadweight attached to you

He’s lonely? Depressed? His health is failing?

So what.....? You’ve gone through years of the same and he couldn’t give a shiny shit.

He needs to fuck off to the far side of fuck

Don't let him back you have more then enough on plate looking after your children you don't need to add a manchild into this.

If his health is failing then he an adult he needs to be the one to solve it. His doctor would have given him advice and it wouldn't have been you need to get your partner too take control of making it better.

Tell him to fuck off for good.
Make arrangements for his contact with the children away from your house and stick to it.
Tell him if he continues to bother you then you'll contact the Police.
Don't take him back OP, hes got nothing to offer you.

Actually think your life would be easier if your were on your own. You deserve a medal for tolerating what he’s put you through.

OP you need to step back from this a bit and really look at it. He is continuing to put his own needs and wants way beofre yours. Nothing, not one thing has changed about his personality. You have said yourself that his pattern of putting weight on is identical to before. For your sanity send him a text telling him to not come to your home any more. Stop feeling guilty. Part of standing back and looking at this is actually you might be doing him a favour by finally cutting him loose. He is always going to be locked into this current pattern (and so are you). Cut free and he might change and improve his lot for himself (instead of expecting you to improve it for him).

Before yours

Thankyou to each & everyone of you for replying.

When i posted yesterday, my anxiety was worse then it had been for over a year. Literally consumed with panic.
Not about being a single parent, money, having 4 dc or 2 with SN.

But how i was going to handle exdp.

So reading your replies confirmed what a little voice in the back of my head had been saying.

He made a hard year even worse. But now i should just forget that. Forget all those times he let me down.

I know he won't support me the next time i need it, i need to be realistic.
He has never been supportive. I don't know if hes just totally unaware or chooses to be unsupportive, its irrelevant.

I was so easily pleased. He realised he was onto a good thing with me. I've always worked. Even when i haven't worked, I've had an income from a business i was involved with.

I asked him once for money in 19 years. That was to complete work on a house. He was supposed to give me about £2k. He gave me £200.

He'll never change. Even if he does, i don't want to waste anymore time with him.

Stay strong. Look after yourself
Don't let him back, he makes your life worse. He needs to look after himself.
Tell him not to contact you, unless to confirm times to collect the kids, if fact the idea of a separate phone for his messages is a good idea.

This worked for me: Take a piece of paper and write down the things you wrote in your last post. Also write down other examples of his behaviour you can remember. Make a list.

Keep that list near you at all times. Fold it up and tuck it in your bra, your pocket, your socks, your handbag. Then, when he tries to impose on you or when you feel yourself weaken read that list, or touch it and remember what it says.

It's so easy for us to forget unpleasant things. No one wants to remember times they were hurt or taken advantage of. But in cases like yours (and mine) we MUST remember. And sometimes having a physical reminder not only helps us remember, it gives us courage to keep saying "No, never again!".

@AcrossthePond55 Thankyou. Very good advice. Today he just irritating me. He keeps trying to make me feel sorry for him. Its not working, its reinforcing why I'm doing this.

Its like I've seen him for the man he is. I can't 'unsee' that now.

Stay strong, Nicky. Do not let this waste of space back into your life.

Good decision Nicky Imagine how much better life can be without him. He would be a millstone forever.

@AstralTraveller* I have never thought like that to be honest.

My life so far is exactly the same. The logistics of managing 4 dc by myself is daunting. Both ds get transport to school so i need to meet tbe buses plus pick the youngest dc up every day.

Both boys have hospital appointments this week. I will have to bring the 3 younger dc to both appointments.

Thats the stuff thats hard as i would normally have left the dc indoors with exdp.

I need to find a carer /P.A to help with the boys

Organising food shopping over half term when i realised i wouldn't be able to get to Tesco for 10 days.

No-one would place themselves in my position by choice.

I just can't explain what changed in me but i seen exdp for the person he is. I can't excuse his behaviour anynore.

I realised i needed to tale responsibility for the situation too. It took two of us to create it.

Me constantly moaning about dp but actually he was always lazy, i just had such low expectations. He was always rubbish when i really needed him. I could count on one hand how many times i really needed him over the years. Everytime he let me down. Every single time.

He needs to stop coming into your home.
You need to limit communication to one form email/text, and block him on others.
If he has contact with the kids he takes them out (I might be flexible as they have SN so he doesn't have to take all 4 at once - but that is being generous). Once kids are 13 or 14 they can choose totally whether to have contact or not.
Make sure he is paying - CMS if not. Are you claiming all you can? (SN boards here can help give advice on the forms.) Money can buy extra help - maybe a session at a play scheme at the sports centre so you don't have to drag all 4 to the hospital?

And don't forget online shopping!

Good luck Nicky I can see your life is hard as regards schedules and emotional and physical input. It must be hard. I do see things getting better though because he won't be taking up your mental energy. You can concentrate on yourself and your DC. Knowing he is going to have virtually zero input is not great but you know that already. I think life will become more settled and predictable and therefore less stressful is sort of what I was trying to say upthread.

It's a small thing, but doing your shopping online and having it delivered saves a lot of time and hassle.

Yes shopping online is a fantastic suggestion .... and I agree with everyone on here ... He only wants to come home because it's now impacting on His life...and I bet his mate wants shot of Him.... nobody likes an unwelcome guest to overstay ...