He wants to come home. MN I need your help

[NickyNora]

Dp left 2 weeks ago, I asked him to go. I planned it for about 3/4 months.

19 yr relationship, we have 4 dc. 2 of our dc have SN so very difficult home life at times. I've posted lots of times about his lack of support, affection, apathy & him not taking responsibility for himself or the dc.

Hes now begging me to try again.
I feel so guilty as hes staying at his friends house. Hes lonely, depressed & his health is deteriorating.

But I've changed.

I have had a really crap year. Early menopause diagnosed (postmenopausal by 43). 3 surgeries on my eyes. Diagnosed with Sjogrens Syndrome as well. Youngest dc started school. Older dc school placement breaking down... As well as
really severe anxiety (which I've had CBT for, it was very helpful).

Dp seems to think I can just forget about him totally ignoring, not supporting or caring for me for almost a year. Actually for years but tbe last year i really needed him to support me.

He never acknowledged it when i told him i was in the menopause.
He asked me once if i was ok when i had the 3 operations. Didn't help with the dc or house. I got an infection after the first surgery, it was excruciating.
He doesn't know about the Sjogrens as there was no point in telling him.

I used to beg him to talk to me. He'd sit & not respond or communicate. I would get so upset, angry & often cry out of frustration & hurt.

Now he wants to come home.

I feel guilty, stressed & suffocated by him. I lost it with him yesterday as i had tons of paperwork to do but he made an excuse to come here & didn't leave til just before the dc finished school. He has found a reason or excuse to come here everyday. I don't have the time or capacity to deal with him for hours on end.

I've told him to give me some head space.

How do i deal with this?
I can't think straight. Im so stressed i drove on tbe wrong side of the road yesterday & only realised when i almost hit an oncoming car. I missed an important deadline to do with my sons school placement & was totally unaware.
I'm struggling to function.

I need to get a grip.

MN please help me work this out.

@NickyNora welcome, hope it helps. I really believe in visual/physical 'cues' as a way to help us be strong. There are items scattered around my house that look like random 'decor', but are really subtle reminders to me of being strong or staying positive.

Another thing to remember is that as long as he continues to intrude himself into your life it will be very hard to establish new, completely independent of him, routines. BFF had this and found that as long as her ex continued to 'make free' with her home and her time, mentally she continued to regard him as a source of 'support' for her as far as childcare, errands and such even though he did none of it. It was the 'mental load' of feeling he should be doing it that made it harder for her to accept that she was 100% responsible for her home and the DC and would never be able to depend on him for jack-shit. Once she drew that line with him she found it much easier to mentally change her attitude and 'shoulder the burden' of getting on with life without him.

Hang on, just because he is no longer your partner it doesn't mean he stops being a father, tell him to man up & be a father...to stop indulging in his imaginary illness, to get back to work, no one's interested in a needy pathetic man child.
He has had every chance to be a supportive & responsible, caring man.
he failed. This is the person he is.
No amount of whining & pity partying will change his DNA.
Hoorah, its your house.....change the locks. if he just wants to talk, say NO ! not interested, busy, just going out, when you are ready, he has nothing to say ,too little to late

Thankyou.

I've not considered exdp a source of support in quite a few years. So organise the holidays & weekends without him.
Literally he wouldn't set the table at dinner time. I would be doing dinner & he'd be sat there on his phone. I used to ask him to set tbe table but i stopped, to see if he'd 'kick in'. He never did.

His illnesses' aren't imaginary. He has ulcers all over his lower legs. Hes literally a walking heart attack/stroke. He is very overweight.

It makes me so anxious that he will get sick & i will end up looking after him for the rest of his life. I can't, i absolutely can't.

I've totally changed my lifestyle in tbe past few years. I don't smoke, drink, eat junk & even joined a gym. I need to stay healthy for the dc.

I admit it, I'm embarressed by exdp. He's massively overweight. He wears XXXXL clothes. I'm a 10. .

He's not texted me today. He called yesterday & took the youngest dc (4) out. The others didn't want to go out.

Hes not asked to see them this week. Its half term. Why would he? He doesn't give a shit about the dc.

He paid my usual house keeping into my account so that's up til November.
I reckon we'll see a different version of exdp when he realises hes not coming home & has to pay maintenance. I will use the CMS.

I don't know how i will cope but actually i don't know how I've coped for this long...

I am going through similar at the moment. Split with DH about 4 months ago. We have 3 DC. Myriad of reasons why we split, but ultimately I was so unhappy- I feel a weight off my shoulders now that he is no longer living here.
We have to see each other regularly due to the kids. He often tells me how we need to give it another go. He swings between reasonable and ridiculously unreasonable (which he was like during our relationship) we'd been together over 16yrs,

I just feel huge amount of pressure from him to just give it another go, but currently I don't want to. He is struggling with it all and repeatedly tells me that I've ruined his life and left him with nothing, as I am with the kids in our family home. This is only temporary as I will need to sell the house, but don't want to till after the new year.

He says I've changed - and I have. I've always been one for 'and easy life' just go with whatever and I am particularly skilled at blocking my emotions and not thinks about things that annoy/hurt me. I know this is hugely unhealthy- but it's the only way I know how to deal with things. I don't want to just go along with things anymore I want to put myself at the top of the list for a change.

I just wish he'd move on, as heartless as that sounds 😔

@Outnumb3red I can totally relate. I really hope exdp finds someone ASAP. So i can stop feeling responsible for him.

He says he has nothing & nobody without me... ( 4dc??)

Thankfully in my situation the house is rented & everything is in my name.

Sometimes we just need to keep putting one foot in front of the other & moving on...

Look after yourself. Hope things get easier for you.

FMD he’d be under the fucking patio by now if I had to deal with him.

You have MORE than enough on your plate without him adding to it.

Now he wants to come home

TOUGH FUCKING LUCK.

Too little, FAR too little, too late FAR FAR FAR too late.

Change the locks.
Apply for ANY additional benefits you can get.
Pay for any help you can afford to.

Congratulate yourself for getting out of the fog...and promise yourself you’ll stay out of it.

He’s NOT your responsibility. You have 4 children & yourself that’s enough responsibility for one woman. One selfish bastard can look after himself.

For god sake don’t relent, you do not need to be looking after him for the next 40 years - not when he’s been like he has.

Thankyou Mouse.

The sad thing being, if he'd done one thing consistently, it would have been enough for me even a year ago.

Just one full free day of no contact & mentally i feel stronger.
Its nuts though as I've neen up since 6am. Ds13 really struggles with sleep issues so still awake. I took my 4 dc cinema today plus another child who has SN,(so 3 dc with SN) but feel better then i have in ages!

Maybe in a weird way, exdp being so selfish & lazy has made me stronger, more resilient & braver...
Got to find a silver lining!!

Listen to all the posters , men never appreciate you until you have gone

sounds like you have taken the rose tinted spectacles off ? my ex HB still thinks I will take him back even though I have been with my current G/F much longer than I was married to Mr Arsehole

he keeps asking if my G/F and I will ever get married, my G/F ex HB is pretty cool about us , we have been on holiday with him and his wife

foxy I'm totally confused by the last paragraph in your post.

I didn't take tbw rose tinted glasses off. They fell off & could never go back on!

Literally this time last year i was so ill physically & mentally. He never even acknowledged it.

I have been suicidal at times i have felt such despair. My dc were the only reason i didn't do it as i know my boys would end up in Care.

When you get to that point & someone ignores you, you can't excuse such shitty behaviour.

I know i sound really soft but i believe everyone is good & is coming from a good place. I realise now dp isn't a very nice person.

Don't get me wrong, hes polite, a nice enough bloke on tbe surface but underneath hes not. He's not kept in touch with any of his family. He has 1 friend. His friend since he was a toddler. He has no-one.

That's his doing.

Christ fuck no you're not responsible for him, not at all. What an absolute waste of molecules he sounds. Stay far away from him and block the fucker.

What a shit of a man, just keep reminding yourself that he offered you no support in years, in fact, ignored your attempts to converse with him! He stayed with you cos he's a lazy git that was being supported by you, enough is enough, you sound amazing, just keep doing what you are doing, once it's all settled, it's up to him to arrange to see his own children, you are not responsible for him OP, he's basically been using you for years, not a nice person full stop.

You are being spun a line here. The thing about his health deteriorating is bullshit, it's only been 2 weeks, what is he talking about?? Sure he's upset,may be crying, not sleeping because he's not in his own bed. You wouldn't expect him to feel nothing about your breakup, but health deteriorating? He's pulling a number on you.
As you said, he didn't care when you had health problems while you were still together, his alleged health problems now are not your priority.
You sound near breaking point, prioritize yourself before you become unable to function.

He was supposed to be your partner but it doesn't sound like a partnership at all. You may not feel it but you are amazingly strong, to go through all you have without any emotional or practical support from your so called partner is really difficult but you've done it. You don't need him, not having to deal with someone who won't even set a sodding table will probably actually make you less stressed.

Maybe ask him to prove himself? Then, maybe, if he can prove he's changed, he could come back on a trial basis. He could start by decorating the house from top to bottom. If he can't be bothered, or wants to move back in while he's doing it, then NO! He's not genuine. It's a question of genuinely changing, not coming back just to doss around and be waited on!

If course you’ll cope OP, you have one less XXXXL child to look after!

I’m so glad to hear the house etc is in your name, you can refuse him entry. If he wants to see the dc he can take them out, first day back at school, he can meet you/them at the gate, doing your shopping? He can arrange for it to be delivered. As others have said ‘no’ is a complete sentence.

And of course he’s saying he’ll change, he just starting to realise that his lovely, nursemaid, carer, lover, cook, cleaner, mother, nanny, PA has just kicked his lazy arse out and he’s going to have to start to fend for himself.

Prove himself? That he's 'changed'?

Just remember, you might possibly sponge the spots off a leopard but he remains a leopard just the same.

If he wants to 'change', he can do it on his own, for himself, in his own home and without your help.

Hes messaged me all afternoon. I left my phone indoors in the end & popped to see a friend.

Hes not listening to me. Keeps on telling me how much he loves me etc.

He doesn't seem aware of the damage his indifference has done.

He asked to meet me. When i said no he asked for us to go out as a family. The last time we went out as a family was probably on holiday, 2 years ago.

I had to say to him about the dc & half term...

I feel really irritated & angry at him tonight.

Prove himself? Even if he turned into my Tom Hardy, it wouldn't change how he treated me especially this last year.

I actually thought yo myself earlier, 'No is a complete answer'. I have no energy or patience for his pathetic B.S.

I feel embarressed by the entire situation. I feel like I've woken up & can't go back to it.

If you don't feel you can block him, can you send him a message that says "I will not respond to anything other than direct requests for child access and questions regarding finances". And then simply do not reply to his entreaties.

Your responses, even the negative ones, are still 'feeding' him. To him, any response means that you are still enmeshed, that you still 'care' enough to respond to him.

I know exactly what you mean about being stronger because of him. You've had to grow stronger because its been the only way to cope in the relationship, you had to shoulder the entire burden.

If it were me, I'd be tempted to tell him that he needs to prove he's changed, not just keep hassling you & calling. He needs to take responsibility for the kids sometimes. Take them out, do stuff with them, discipline them when necessary, not just play the Disney Dad. Pay maintenance. Get himself sorted with a proper place to live, not just couchsurfing. And that you'll reassess how you feel when he's done all that... I suspect by the time he's grown up enough to get his act together, if he ever does, you'll have moved on.

Fair enough, you asked him to move out. But it sounds like he checked out years ago.

What @AcrossthePond55 said

"If you don't feel you can block him, can you send him a message that says "I will not respond to anything other than direct requests for child access and questions regarding finances". And then simply do not reply to his entreaties. "

I sent him a message saying basically that AcrossthePond55 & penisbeakers* .
He has sent me 3 messages tonight but I haven't opened them.

I feel like he thinks i will change my mind. Or that he just needs to convince me I'm wrong...

I need to work out how visits with the dc will look as 2 of the boys are Autistic & one hates to go out. Dd is 17 so not for me to organise.

I'm tired.

Thankyou for your responses. They have helped more than you will ever know.

Let him think what he likes. You know the truth. “The dogs bark but the caravan passes on”. Let him bark. Your caravan is leaving him behind in the dust.

As far as your 2 boys, do they have a treatment team or someone through school who might advise you?

If you find his messages distress you, is there someone who can look at them before you do and copy then delete any messages other than child/finance related? I read a friend’s email first for a while when her ex was sending her abusive messages and only passed on what she needed to know then sent the messages to a special folder.

I would ask the children what they would like with regard to his visitation. I have forgotten how old the younger ones are so sorry if asking isn't an option.

Regarding his persistence with trying to guilt you, every time he pesters you about anything other than access to his children and contributing to their care, copy and paste this until he gets it:

I have asked you repeatedly not to contact me outside of arranging access to the children, and ongoing child support. Stop harassing me, my decision is final, I do not want you back. Please respect my decision.

No matter what he says, paste that or continue to blank him. If he tries to manipulate you during an child visit, ask him to leave or you'll call the police. His continued pestering is harassment.

Be prepared for the pleading to shift towards self-righteous anger as it dawns on him that you won't back down this time, OP. In a sense it will be useful, as it will confirm his true thought processes.

Give him one way to contact you. If it is text then consider getting a cheap PAYG phone and swapping numbers. He can text the PAYG and you can keep it in a drawer most of the time.
Email would work too.