Is DH Controlling?

[Charlotte48]

I married DH when I was 26 and he was 34, I worked as a secretary and he was an accountant in a big firm. Because I had my own account he paid money into it rather than having a joint account – I quite liked this as he has always been generous and bought me gifts – jewellery, perfume lingerie etc. I gave up work and had a DS and DD. DH now runs his own accountancy firm – he has always been good with money and we live well with a nice house and a villa in Spain and he has a lot of investments! I am now 48, he’s 56 – DD is at Uni and DS is a trainee accountant! When the kids were small sometimes I would need more money for them and have to ask him for it which was a pain but normally OK once I had explained why I needed the money. At other times, for example, if I wanted to spend £150 on a new pair of fashionable boots I would get the money instantly, and he thought nothing of spending £5000 on my breast enlargement but on another occasion he might question why I needed money for petrol if my account was a bit short because I had been ferrying the kids here, there and everywhere as they were members of lots of clubs when they were younger. DH has always let me get on with things in the house and garden which he likes to look nice and he likes me to look nice too – he expects me to dress well, with my hair and make-up nicely done – he says he hates it if I “look a mess” - fortunately I like clothes and fashion so it is no big problem and he always compliments me on how nice I look: I posted before that I go to a hair and beauty salon and he pays direct as he does the salon owner's accounts (we live near a small market town and one of his justifications for insisting I make an effort with my appearance is that as everyone knows that I am his wife when I am shopping locally or working in the library a couple of afternoons a week I am “representing” his accountancy company). As I get older (with the children not beginning around so much and us being on our own more) I am beginning to realise that maybe he is a bit controlling, or is he? When I was 26 he set me up with a pension which he pays into, I want for nothing, I go out with friends and to the theatre so it hard put a finger on anything in particular but when I look back I think DH has defiantly pulled the strings and done what he wants and in a way manipulated me but then again would I change it? I love DH and I am happily married - it is just that DD has put the thought into my head and now I am questioning things I used to take for granted.

No worries, I can see I should have done the update as a different thread, - I just wanted to update about the new situation, sorry to cause confusion.{flowers]

I'm sorry but I've read this and I have to add to this.
This is not controlling in the slightest. You admit he likes you to dress a certain way but you like to as well because you like fashion. You are not in an abusive relationship where you're fearful for your safety.. You have your own voice and opinions and can quite clearly say no you don't want to dress a certain way.
I've left a horrifically abusive and controlling relationship. Some definitions of control that I experienced are.

1. "confiscating" of car keys when I was going out, meaning I then couldn't go out
2. Telling me not to take a part time job and wanting me to be a stay at home mum
3. Ripping up my clothes
4. Hiding my wallet and removing my bank card from me
5. regularly checking my phone and downloading an app to track me and to recover deleted text messages and calls
6. making me show him my online banking

If I had a quarter of what you had in your life I'd be a happy woman.

You have nothing at all to complain about, your DH seems lovely, albeit a bit old school with values but he sounds deeply respectful of you and you are complaining about nothing at all.

Doesn't sound controlling to me. Sounds like there was an implied deal - you play the part of a trophy wife....get your hair done, cosmetic surgery, nice clothes etc and he pays for everything and gives you a comfortable life.

I honestly don't think people like your DH should ever fully retire. They aren't mentally capable of it. You're clearly financially well off, so why doesn't he do something else? A small part time business, a consultancy, volunteer work (LOADS of charities would bite the hand off a qualified accountant!!), tutoring, etc. There is so much he could do. Our local community nursery HD an accountant sit on the committee and they made a massive difference to how things ran, and they really helped organised the finances for them.

(I posted before as "Sammy" and am so glad things are otherwise ok.).

Hi ClaryFairchild, I agree with what you are saying and when this wretched Covid-19 ends he will definitely look to do some charity work (he has looked into this already)as well as free lance accountancy (working for his friend Rav) - he's not going to retire retire but just step back and not run his own business. The problem is at the moment because he was seriously ill he doesn't want to go out/mix for fear of catching it.

I'm in the process of extricating myself from a similar marriage. High earning husband with the little wife looking pretty and doing all the domestics.

I'm amazed it's taken you more than twenty years to question any of it! Even when I was in the early days of it I was unsettled as it's so degrading. Fair enough if you're happy but I imagine your daughter sees you as weak and subservient. That's frustrating for a child as no one likes to think of their mother that way.

I think you need to start finding who you are under the docile, show pony exterior.

He could do some remote work, couldn't he? I'll bet accountancy really lends itself to that. Or suggest a project -such as redesigning part of the house or garden...!!!

So, he's made the finances accessible to you now?

The giving you money to get you to have hair done etc/nagging you to do it is one thing, but it doesn't counteract that he was making you struggle financially in day-to-day life.

You essentially sold yourself out. Everything has a price.

@Chocolatehobnob9oc - it's not a competition.

You clearly had a very controlling relationship but that doesnt' mean that op's h wasn't controlling, just because he wasn't as bad as yours. Making OP beg for money for petrol to take the kids places and buy them uniform? That's controlling. But happy to give op money for a boob job? Also controlling.

I hope you're in a better place now.

To be honest tenlittlecygents I do actually think there is a world of difference between the brutal, aggressive and frightening control that Chocolatehobnob9 has experienced and my DH’s behaviour. I’ve never been frightened of DH, generally he is good-humoured and he is very polite and well mannered. He hardly ever loses his temper and he would not be verbally or physically abusive towards me.