Is DH Controlling?

[Charlotte48]

I married DH when I was 26 and he was 34, I worked as a secretary and he was an accountant in a big firm. Because I had my own account he paid money into it rather than having a joint account – I quite liked this as he has always been generous and bought me gifts – jewellery, perfume lingerie etc. I gave up work and had a DS and DD. DH now runs his own accountancy firm – he has always been good with money and we live well with a nice house and a villa in Spain and he has a lot of investments! I am now 48, he’s 56 – DD is at Uni and DS is a trainee accountant! When the kids were small sometimes I would need more money for them and have to ask him for it which was a pain but normally OK once I had explained why I needed the money. At other times, for example, if I wanted to spend £150 on a new pair of fashionable boots I would get the money instantly, and he thought nothing of spending £5000 on my breast enlargement but on another occasion he might question why I needed money for petrol if my account was a bit short because I had been ferrying the kids here, there and everywhere as they were members of lots of clubs when they were younger. DH has always let me get on with things in the house and garden which he likes to look nice and he likes me to look nice too – he expects me to dress well, with my hair and make-up nicely done – he says he hates it if I “look a mess” - fortunately I like clothes and fashion so it is no big problem and he always compliments me on how nice I look: I posted before that I go to a hair and beauty salon and he pays direct as he does the salon owner's accounts (we live near a small market town and one of his justifications for insisting I make an effort with my appearance is that as everyone knows that I am his wife when I am shopping locally or working in the library a couple of afternoons a week I am “representing” his accountancy company). As I get older (with the children not beginning around so much and us being on our own more) I am beginning to realise that maybe he is a bit controlling, or is he? When I was 26 he set me up with a pension which he pays into, I want for nothing, I go out with friends and to the theatre so it hard put a finger on anything in particular but when I look back I think DH has defiantly pulled the strings and done what he wants and in a way manipulated me but then again would I change it? I love DH and I am happily married - it is just that DD has put the thought into my head and now I am questioning things I used to take for granted.

It seems to me that he has moulded you into his image of the ideal woman in his head. It you were to deviate from that "norm" in any way I do not think he would like it at all. He has already stated that he hates it if you look a mess. The fact as well that he is still giving you an allowance and is still somewhat secretive with the finances is also concerning. It is a cage you are in, a gilded cage of his own making. And yes he does "take care" of you but its all for his benefit and on his sole terms. All this supposed largesse from him has come at huge cost to your own self.

What would happen do you think if you decided to forgo your usual salon and went somewhere else?.

Whether by subtly making you feel less attractive than they are, constantly reinforcing their professional accomplishments as compared to yours, or even comparing you unfavorably to their exes, controlling people often want you to feel grateful that you are in a relationship with them. This creates a dynamic where you will be more willing to work harder and harder to keep them and make them happy—a dream for someone who wants to dominate a relationship.

I think when the dc leave home we all look back at our lives and assess things. It sounds to me like you feel you would like a bit more say in how the family money is spent, so it isn’t all she choices.

I’d talk to your dh and tell him how you feel.

Your DH sounds perfectly normal, as do you. But your DD is of a different generation and probably views you as having little mind of your own.

Hm, I get what your dd means. Your marriage sounds like my idea of hell - having to "look the part" to the extent of cosmetic surgery, not knowing the full financial situation, being "given" money and gifts. My marriage is equal footing on every sense and DH doesn't care a jot if I slob around in old jogging bottoms and don't get my hair cut for 12 months. Maybe your daughter is similar in her relationships. However, that may well sound like hell to you! I think if you are happy, don't feel trapped / restricted / vulnerable then it's probably just very different attitudes and opinions at play. If you are feeling genuinely worried for your wellbeing, safety, happiness etc. then perhaps it's more sinister than you've made it sound.

I think he does sound a bit overbearing and I would hate for someone to dictate how I looked and dressed, not to mention relying on someone financially. But, if you're happy with that set up then great.

What? I'm roughly the same age as the op. It's nothing to do with generation.

As others have said, you can't call it controlling without knowing how he'd react if op dressed differently or wanted to work full time. I'd find it incredibly stifling, though.

I went out with an accountant, for a while, and he counted every bloody penny, so I can believe the inquisition over petrol money.

Also, it definitely sounds like he has taken control in several areas of your life, but then it seems like you were happy to let him?

I think that if you're happy with your marriage and the way that you do things, then you have to own it. Tell your daughter that you enjoy many privileges and do not feel that you have been oppressed by your husband (if that's the truth)

But do you know how much his company is worth? Does your dh have lots of savings you know nothing about? My dh had his own business until he retired. If anything had happened him l would have inherited everything. We had our own private savings..l work too..but joint savings for our family money.
Your life sounds nice but a bit restrictive. Do you have the freedom to head off on weekends with your friends? Do ye have fun together and good chats etc.
I think all dcs question their parents way of doing things as they leave the nest which is healthy but often they go the radical opposite for a while just to make their own statement.

I'd absolutely hate this arrangement - and I my thoughts echo noego's completely:

"I think what you're trying to say is that you have played the role (eastwick wife) perfectly, but you have lost yourself."

Where are you in all of this, OP? The real you? Who are you?

Your marriage isn't my scene personally, I've never wished a man to pay for me, but I am failing to see the issue. You did wish this, and you wish to look a certain way, it's not like you want to look a mess and he's forcing you to look a certain way, you wish it too.

I'm not sure your daughter is articulating it properly. As I'm unsure it's controlling if it's what you want and have always wanted. More she's probably not understanding why you chose this life of the submissive trophy wife for yourself. You fulfil a certain role and are paid for.

Each of us is different. As said, this is your scene, it's really not mine. But as you're not unhappy I think you just need to explain to your daughter this is rhe type of life you wish.

Agree with AttilaTheMeerkat.

I agree with other posters that this sounds like an arrangement that has been mutually beneficial for you both, rather than being about control. You behave and look a certain way for him in exchange for the lifestyle that his money has allowed you to lead. I personally wouldn't like to be kept by a man or by anyone, and value having my own career and making my own money but I understand why you signed up to it.

I'm not trying to be goady, but don't you ever worry that as you age and the looks he expects you to uphold fade, he may think that you aren't fit for purpose any more given that looks are so, so important to him?

OP, it does sound like in some ways it's like he employs you to promote his brand. And as PPs have said, you seem to have been happy to take on this role.

I wonder whether now you're a bit older, the notion that your marriage has largely been based on appearances is worrying you? Or that DH might retire one day and therefore not need you to promote his business? Is this about what you feel you mean to him?

It's not an arrangement that I could be happy with, but it sounds as if you've both been happy with it for years. If you're starting to be less happy with it, perhaps it's time for a change?

You'd need to start by working out which part is giving you pause for thought. Is it that you want a more fulfilling job? Or do you want to have money that you feel you've earnt yourself? Or do you want to feel as if the assets your husband has accumulated actually belong to both of you?

Some of that it just about how you both view your finances - you have done an important job (raising the children and keeping the household), and you do both own the assets... but maybe you need those things acknowledged more formally, e.g. by joint accounts?

Is it not Stepford Wives and the Witches or Eastwick? So not an Eastwick wife?

To answer some points as I feel I have to defend DH now! I’ve not got a clue how much his company is worth or what investments he has but I do know I inherit the lot (minus financial settlements on the children). He likes me to look nice and thinks it matters that his customers (local businesses) see he is doing well – so I am representing the company in that regard but he was the same when he worked for a big accountancy company too famous to mention. Of course, you can’t be glam all the time and there are times I slobber around the house in comfy clothes – and that’s when he’s made his he hates me looking a mess comments – never when we go out. For the record, he likes nice clothes too and likes to buy (or me to buy – I probably buy 90% of his clothes) expensive, shirts, coats and jackets etc – I recently bought him a Combrie coat for the winter for £1100. What I didn’t say was I have a credit card – (joint account one) so can buy other things but, of course, he gets the statement. I have no fear that DH would a) be unfaithful to me or b) trade me in for a younger model - I know two women who have made advances on him which he has resisted – it is just not in his nature. He is very placid and studious – I can count on the fingers of one hand how many times he has lost his temper. When the children were young he ALWAYS supported me with discipline and had a very calm and patient (I’m not) way of talking to them – he was great at helping them with their homework and at showing them new things and asking them to explain how things worked – and, strangely enough for those that think he is old fashioned, he treated DS and DD equally – DD is brighter and did better at school than DS. He has a good sense of humour. He doesn’t criticise me. He pretty much lets me organise my own social life in regard to going for lunch or to the theatre with friends unless it clashes with something we are both doing. People generally like DH, they trust him (which is good I suppose considering he is an accountant) and he’s as happy as Larry at the moment as he has just bet £1000 on Stradivarius to win at Ascot and won £2100!

"He likes me to look nice and thinks it matters that his customers (local businesses) see he is doing well – so I am representing the company in that regard"

But its ridiculous of him to think that you are representing his company at all when you do not work for it. How are you in any way representing his company?. Its not as if someone is going to pop into the library, take one look at you and then decide that they won't use his accountancy business because of what you look like.

And he should be totally transparent with the finances. The fact that he is not would make me question why that is.

Who are you really underneath, the image and gloss that DH has modelled you in?. What are your own goals and ambitions here?

He pretty much lets me organise my own social life in regard to going for lunch or to the theatre with friends

That's a fairly odd thing to write. As is the representing his company thing. You're not. Unless your wearing a sandwicH board.

Look, it works for you two. Just explain that to your daughter. She might not respect it or understand it, but it seems you're both happy and that's what matters really. As long as you don't try to tell your daughter that this is How women should live.

I just wonder if you’re not interested in the financial side of family life and that’s why things have evolved into the present situation. He’s used to taking care of it (it’s his area of expertise) and you happy for it to be taken care of.

No judgement - if my DH goes under a bus, I’d be buggered until I got a handle on things. Necessity would change things.

Do you never hanker after equality in your marriage op? Equal control of the finances for example.

If you think about what your daughter has said, if he's controlling, and uou accept it, then she sees you as submissive.

I think this inequality is what many of us would dislike, it goes against everything as women we fought for. It is giving total control to your husband and being seen as an extension of him. His belonging.

Iget you like it, but do you never wish to be equal in any of your families eyes?

What would he say if you went and bet £1000 on a horse and lost? Because he could have just lost £1000 of family money.

My husband has a high powered and very highly paid career but I can’t imagine dressing up for him and I certainly don’t represent his company (I have my own career). He wouldn’t pass any judgement on my clothes, and would get short shrift if he ever did. We have full financial disclosure between us and I handle most of the investments because I am better at it.

You are the epitome of the trophy wife, where the deal is you look nice (including plastic surgery) and he funds your lifestyle. Same situation and Donald and Melania Trump and countless other marital set ups. If that works for you, fine. I doubt you have the freedom to become a lentil weaving hippy if wanted to. If you do, then he’s not controlling.

Your daughter is obviously looking for a more modern, equal partnership in life, which I think you should encourage.

Well, as you outline in your most recent post how wonderful he is and how wonderful your life is, why have you posted here? Something is obviously niggling at you.