Is DH Controlling?

[Charlotte48]

I married DH when I was 26 and he was 34, I worked as a secretary and he was an accountant in a big firm. Because I had my own account he paid money into it rather than having a joint account – I quite liked this as he has always been generous and bought me gifts – jewellery, perfume lingerie etc. I gave up work and had a DS and DD. DH now runs his own accountancy firm – he has always been good with money and we live well with a nice house and a villa in Spain and he has a lot of investments! I am now 48, he’s 56 – DD is at Uni and DS is a trainee accountant! When the kids were small sometimes I would need more money for them and have to ask him for it which was a pain but normally OK once I had explained why I needed the money. At other times, for example, if I wanted to spend £150 on a new pair of fashionable boots I would get the money instantly, and he thought nothing of spending £5000 on my breast enlargement but on another occasion he might question why I needed money for petrol if my account was a bit short because I had been ferrying the kids here, there and everywhere as they were members of lots of clubs when they were younger. DH has always let me get on with things in the house and garden which he likes to look nice and he likes me to look nice too – he expects me to dress well, with my hair and make-up nicely done – he says he hates it if I “look a mess” - fortunately I like clothes and fashion so it is no big problem and he always compliments me on how nice I look: I posted before that I go to a hair and beauty salon and he pays direct as he does the salon owner's accounts (we live near a small market town and one of his justifications for insisting I make an effort with my appearance is that as everyone knows that I am his wife when I am shopping locally or working in the library a couple of afternoons a week I am “representing” his accountancy company). As I get older (with the children not beginning around so much and us being on our own more) I am beginning to realise that maybe he is a bit controlling, or is he? When I was 26 he set me up with a pension which he pays into, I want for nothing, I go out with friends and to the theatre so it hard put a finger on anything in particular but when I look back I think DH has defiantly pulled the strings and done what he wants and in a way manipulated me but then again would I change it? I love DH and I am happily married - it is just that DD has put the thought into my head and now I am questioning things I used to take for granted.

Thanks for all your responses. To be fair I don’t think DH is controlling – but I agree with Okhitmewithit that it is a bit like I’m in the DH film – that’s a good way to put it. I don’t know if it is because I suffer low self-esteem but there is a part of me that quite likes letting him have control. I know I should do more – I work in a library twice a week but perhaps I should study or something. I love DH and have a nice lifestyle but since the children have left home (or nearly) I know I need to do more and find my own way a little.

He sounds amazing!!!!

@category12

Spot on with the gilded cage question.

I really am struggling to believe in this scenario - no one lives like this anymore, do they?

I think you've had a good and happy life for the most part and have had to make a few sacrifices. I think "controlling" is over used.
Everybody makes small sacrifices for the life they want. It's easy to look back and question those things, but if you have been happy with the status quo the likelihood is that you have not been "controlled".

Roles change inter-generationally and your DD wouldn't be happy to live in a similar way. Well, that's her choice isn't it? She doesn't have to understand but you have just lived differently than she wants to. If there are no other reasons she thinks he's controlling then I think you just need to explain to her that the way you chose to live has made you and DH happy, and that she doesn't have to understand it.

And yes, if you now want a change then change things. That will be the real litmus test on whether or not he is controlling.

It's been the way it is now for so long it almost doesn't seem fair to call him controlling until he's been given a chance to change things.

I think sometimes MN càn make you start to analyse things that genuinely weren't a problem to you until you read about them. For example the other day unread about a controlling partner who akways had to go to bed at the same time as the op. Then last night my amazing dh said he didn't want to watch a film if I was going up as he wanted to go to bed the same time as me. My gut instinct remembered the thread and panicked he was being controlling lol and then I realised he never normally cares if I go to bed before or after him, he just fancied a cuddle or whatever. Not saying that's what it is for you, just know there's been a few things I feel sensitive to or aware of because of MN.

Thanks for your replies. I came on here because of something my DD said and then ended up even more muddled as Desmondo2016 says there are a lot of views and they make you question yourself but I think words like controlling is over used & wouldn't now use it about DH. I thought I had things worked out over Christmas as I spoke to DD and she said she was pleased I was a SAHM when she was growing up! Then I read the Mail article and thought again about what she’d said. There are people like me, Cambionomee, the women in the article were very badly treated – one locked her knickers away and another had no toothbrush when he went away. DH is not like that he has actually upped my allowance! And yes he does love me and we are happy, I just need to do a bit more with my life.

@charlotte48 think about what you want to do for you. You don't need to prove yourself to your children or your husband. You have raised your children and they're well and happy and that has been invaluable. You have kept the home running smoothly allowing your husband to work and be successful. My parents were the same. The difference is that my father told us many times that he would be nothing without my mum looking after us and home and supporting him. We understood the value in what both my parents did from very early on.

You'll also be very capable after raising children and running a home. Studying us great for giving you confidence and letting you see what you would be interested in doing. I now do part time what used to take me full time hours to do pre kids because I've become so much more efficient. Even though I'm back at work, I haven't dropped a ball in te4ms of children and home.

So think about what you are interested in and do it. But do it for you not for anyone else.

Can you not see how wrong it is that he gives you an "allowance"? Children get allowances. Adults share finances.

As he is an accountant I could fully understand you both agreeing that he makes the major financial decisions, because it's his area of expertise. I'm thinking - purchase of second home, whether to invest in bonds rather than a savings account, what sort of pension plan, etc.

But not "Why do you need money to buy my children shoes, what do you mean they grew out of them, I want the measurements please."

Especially when hand in hand with "5k for a boob job? Of course darling! How long will recovery be? I can't wait to have a go on them "

The thing that would bother me if I was in your position is that you say he treats you well and isn't abusive but in many ways you're relying on his good will to do this - if he woke up and decided one day to be an arsehole you wouldn't be in a great position to tell him to knock it off.

I will admit it sounds to me as though you are there to fulfil the Wife role in his life, rather than a partnership of equals. I do know women who are quite happy to live like this though.

So, I’ve not posted on here for a very, very long time so I thought I would give an update on my current situation. The reason I’ve not posted is that my DH fell very seriously ill in April 2019 and was in hospital for 6 months – I felt really guilty about these posts as he nearly passed away and I didn’t look at MN for some time because of it – I know it sounds stupid but I blamed MN and really beat myself up over it as I thought I was going to lose him and would have missed him so, so much. The children were fantastic and so amazingly supportive it was incredible, I don’t know what I’d have done without them – DD finished her degree (passed with a 2:1) and came home (having split up with her long-term b/f) and DS was at home anyway doing his accountancy course. As others had warned here, when DH was seriously ill I then found the “joys” of not having access to his money and I would now say that every woman should make sure she is not left in the situation I was temporarily in (yes, I know most of you told me this would be the case and I know I was stupid ). I had to loan some money off a close family friend, Rav, who is also an accountant and did some free-lance work for DH – he leant me quite a lot so that was OK (although my allowance was paid by direct debit I didn’t have enough for household expenses and with DS’s help had to set up payments which became a mess as I didn’t know what DH had paid and what was outstanding and he was too ill to ask!). I had to give up my job in the library because I was going to London every day to see DH (who was transferred to a specialist hospital). DH came out of hospital in September and he agreed that it was “stupid” (his word) that we didn’t have a joint account etc so he has since put absolutely everything in joint names – investments etc (I think he was a bit embarrassed that Rav had to lend me money and the fact he nearly passed away shock him up a bit!). He also gave the children some money and bought DS a car. He decided to retire and sold the business to Rav and we went to our villa in Spain in October so he could re-cooperate with a view to coming back at Christmas. We left the children at home - at that time DD was working locally and looking for a graduate entry job and DS was doing some part time work in a bar and his accountancy course. Then, early December we got a call from DS to say DD had been knocked off his motorcycle and was in hospital so we came back to the UK. He had broken his collar bone, leg and arm. Christmas wasn’t so good and then, of course, the blasted Covid-19 struck in March – which I know has been absolutely terrible for a lots and lots of families up and won the country. DH got a letter about being clinically vulnerable and was not allowed out until 1st August but in fact we have hardly been out at all anyway. I get that he has been very seriously ill and probably suffers Post traumatic stress because of it but to say he is “paranoid” would be an understatement! It’s a nightmare. I’m just really, really pleased the children are at home. In some ways DH is now a bit jealous of me as he has always worked hard and had been motivated but now he doesn’t have so much to do whilst I look after the house and cook (I love cooking and since March every single meal the family has eaten has been homemade), but known of us are working. Poor DS is trying to do his never ending AAT Level 4 accountancy course on line, with help from Rav and DH but is in a lot of pain (of course the physio he was due was cancelled and he’s not got a snowballs chance in Hell of getting it); poor DD can’t get a job at all and DH is like a bear with a sore head! Happy days!

Wow thankyou for the update. Sounds like alot went on. Wishing your family all the best for the future

What a roller coaster of an update!
You sound much more confident and strong than your original post.
Good luck and health to you and your family. x

I agree with your daughter. As an independent woman you shouldn't have to dress (or do anything else) to keep your husband happy!

OP, you write as if you are an extension of him and not your own person.

Are you happy?
Do you feel valued?
Do you feel free to make choices or do things that would not suit him?
How does he behave if you disagree?
Do you ever disagree with him?
Are you comfortable disagreeing with him?

It sounds as if everything is fine if you follow his rules.

If your daughter thinks you are controlled, I would bet you are.

Be honest with yourself about how you feel.

Oh and I firmly believe, in my life experience, that men that end up up with women a decade or so younger, often do deliberately, because they wanted to be the older, more mature, "wiser" person🙄, of the couple...AKA "controlling".

Not necessarily bad, abusive men, but definitely controlling men.

Am married nearly 30 years, so have seen a lot of marriages.

Things are obviously very tough right now OP but it's good that finances have been put in a more equal footing. Sometimes it takes a shock like this to make everyone realise that change is needed.

When you say he's become paranoid, is that anxiety about his health? Or something else? After such a serious illness, did he access any support for his mental health? Being so close to death at such a relatively young age must have been a huge shock to the system.

The paranoia is about catching Covid-19, there was actually a brief period towards the end of 2019 - when we were in Spain etc when he was back to old self and was remarkably cheerful but then the Coronavirus struck and I think he thinks if he catches it he'll die and it's led to PTSD - he remembers how ill he was. I think he needs counselling definitely, at present he is scared to leave the house.

He sounds amazing!!!!

The fuck he does.
He wants a trophy/stepford wife.

He gives op an allowance and keeps her ignorant/shut out of the rest of the finances of their - their household.

No wonder her daughter has said what she's said.

If you were to divorce fir any reason you better get a forensic accountant who's as good as or ideally better than him, because this sort of man doesn't sound remotely likely to think ops entitled to her half of anything.

He's started a pension for her - cool. She was entitled to half his anyway.

As for representing his business. You don't work in his business so you don't represent it.

You are his partner, which is separate from.his business ; you are supposed to be able to be yourself, not some cardboard cut out/model representing a brand.

What I take from it is that he sees women/his partner as an object really. He and his business have to look successful and apparently in his head thus means - business premises look good, check, ..home/s look good, check .. car looks good, check .. wife looks good, check (like you're an object/possession). I find that a bit repulsive tbh.

Combined with how separate/ignorant he's kept op from the finances ... Says a lot about him.

he thought nothing of spending £5000 on my breast enlargement but on another occasion he might question why I needed money for petrol if my account was a bit short because I had been ferrying the kids here, there and everywhere as they were members of lots of clubs when they were younger.

I can't imagine why he'd be generous for breast enlargement surgery . Seems like he benefits both personally/sexually and in terms of the shallow "wife's looks represent me and my business/value"thing.

It's ridiculous (and quite horrible) that superficial (and expensive) things that are to his benefit are funded without question, but basic, important things like fuel for household and child transport are pickedd over.

I'd actually call him financially abusive.

Op's kept ignorant/out of finances and there's no questions over money for making her/keeping her looks to his taste but money for basics/justified stuff is questioned.

Honestly op - you sound like a child writing about her dad.

Sorry op, I've just seen your update. Sorry you've been through such a worrying and stressful time.

I hope you can continue to get more independence and equality in your situation.

What would he say if you said you wanted to get a job?

I wouldn't be happy living the way you do, but I need to work.

I also wouldn't be happy if my h said I was representing gods company when I went into town -did that for a game of soldiers! I wear what I like.

Why not ask about a joint account now, see what he says? Or bring up getting a job...

Sounds like you've lived your life according to what he wants - accounts, how he likes you to dress - and you don't know who you are any more...

Oops, should have read your update before I posted!!