Is DH Controlling?

[Charlotte48]

I married DH when I was 26 and he was 34, I worked as a secretary and he was an accountant in a big firm. Because I had my own account he paid money into it rather than having a joint account – I quite liked this as he has always been generous and bought me gifts – jewellery, perfume lingerie etc. I gave up work and had a DS and DD. DH now runs his own accountancy firm – he has always been good with money and we live well with a nice house and a villa in Spain and he has a lot of investments! I am now 48, he’s 56 – DD is at Uni and DS is a trainee accountant! When the kids were small sometimes I would need more money for them and have to ask him for it which was a pain but normally OK once I had explained why I needed the money. At other times, for example, if I wanted to spend £150 on a new pair of fashionable boots I would get the money instantly, and he thought nothing of spending £5000 on my breast enlargement but on another occasion he might question why I needed money for petrol if my account was a bit short because I had been ferrying the kids here, there and everywhere as they were members of lots of clubs when they were younger. DH has always let me get on with things in the house and garden which he likes to look nice and he likes me to look nice too – he expects me to dress well, with my hair and make-up nicely done – he says he hates it if I “look a mess” - fortunately I like clothes and fashion so it is no big problem and he always compliments me on how nice I look: I posted before that I go to a hair and beauty salon and he pays direct as he does the salon owner's accounts (we live near a small market town and one of his justifications for insisting I make an effort with my appearance is that as everyone knows that I am his wife when I am shopping locally or working in the library a couple of afternoons a week I am “representing” his accountancy company). As I get older (with the children not beginning around so much and us being on our own more) I am beginning to realise that maybe he is a bit controlling, or is he? When I was 26 he set me up with a pension which he pays into, I want for nothing, I go out with friends and to the theatre so it hard put a finger on anything in particular but when I look back I think DH has defiantly pulled the strings and done what he wants and in a way manipulated me but then again would I change it? I love DH and I am happily married - it is just that DD has put the thought into my head and now I am questioning things I used to take for granted.

From my perspective I would say yes, he is controlling. He controls the money, he controls your physical appearance ("insisting" you wear clothes he approves of, hair and makeup he considers acceptable), he controls your time to some degree.

Even the way you write about him is quite troubling to me, e.g. "He pretty much lets me organise my own social life in regard to going for lunch or to the theatre with friends unless it clashes with something we are both doing."

He "lets" you be in charge of your social life? In an equal partnership, each individual is fully in control of his/her social calendar. Of course, negotiating about leisure activities is fairly typical if one partner wants to do X and the other partner wants to do Y. But for one person to have veto power over the other is a situation of massive power imbalance (even if he magnanimously "allows" her to go out to lunch on the condition it doesn't inconvenience him). Why on earth would you accept this state of affairs?

I am still struggling to comprehend spending £1000 on a bet on the horses. Unless it was a typo.

KataraJean Why is that hard to understand? Some people do have money you know and it’s choice how they spend it. My boss is known to bet 10k on horses during the racing season. That’s like pocket change to him!

I would absolutely hate a relationship like yours, op - you are not an equal partner, and I honestly don't think any adult should allow themselves to be treated in such a childlike way. It could be very difficult for you in the future if he does decide he wants to end the relationship - and yes, this could happen to anyone.

However, if you are completely happy no one else's opinions really matter.

Although you enjoy a good lifestyle, I think it must be difficult to have to keep up that image constantly. Rather shallow of him to say the least.
I think you are feeling it, as for the first time in years you are beginning to find yourself again after the mad crazy busyness of raising a family (you were clearly expected to do the lions share) and maybe you just feel like you weren’t/aren’t an equal.

He does sound a little controlling, but you sound quite comfortable with it, mentally and financially- he doesn't sound cruel or mean. He's just set in his ways and you seem to have chosen to go along with that. I wouldn't particularly want a relationship like that, but there are many women that would love it and many that do.

Ps, we once used a financial advisor who drove a very flash car. He actually said he needed the car to show he was a successful man to his clients. I guess it's the same "facade" mentality. I thought it was a bit weird.

Good that your daughter doesn't think your life is the way forward at least.

Wardrobee maybe that is what I am struggling with - the mentality that its his money when actually its his wife’s money too, and I guess the lack of awareness that £1000 is a lot of money for many people.
I don’t know, I am not married to either the OP’s husband or your boss, but I would hate that kind of pointless extravagance.
But then I would also hate to be told that I shouldn’t look a mess when I am at home lounging about.
None of it makes having loadsamoney very attractive🤷🏻‍♀️

The op seems impressed by money though. She even tells us how much his coat costs.

Op are your embarrassed by your child calling out effectively your behaviours? I also don't understand why you're posting. You are happy with the way you live. Your husband impresses you. Specifically financially. You wish to be in his shadow.

I saw this with a lot of my daughters friends, they don't understand the lifestyle their mothers choose. It doesn't mean the mother is wrong, just for most women today it wouldn't be something they wished to do.

But clearly the op is happy. So I'm not getting why she has posted.

Because her husband’s ability to earn and spend money is probably how she rationalises her subservient role? It is a Faustian pact.

I don’t know, if the OP is happy, it is a non-issue what anyone else thinks.

Bluntenss100
Op are your embarrassed by your child calling out effectively your behaviours? Yes.
FeelingFree17 says
I think you are feeling it, as for the first time in years you are beginning to find yourself again after the mad crazy busyness of raising a family (you were clearly expected to do the lions share) and maybe you just feel like you weren’t/aren’t an equal. True.

I’m unsure about your set up. I can understand the bit about looking nice when you live in a small town and everyone knows everyone, and you like clothes and make up anyway. But what about choices your DH won’t like? Would you still be able to go along with them? Do you have an equal say in financial decisions, investments, etc? Could you say “no” to him betting on a horse or something like this? If not, it’s not right.
It looks a little bit like he’s checking upon you rather than you’re making decisions together. It’s good that your DD is not ok with this model, it’s better ( and safer) to be in control of your own life by herself.

Thanks for all your replies. They are certainly food for thought. I have decided that a) I will have a chat with DH about finances and try to see where we are at and b) that I am far too easy going and should not just accept everything - I will stand my corner a bit more as I think I am taken a bit for granted. I know DD will have my back. Will update on how it goes! God bless.

OP, we read it a lot on these boards but I really genuinely think you could benefit from a short round of counselling or life coaching.

We are well meaning but we bring our own prejudices and life experiences to our answers, you could talk to someone who is trained to be impartial and to help you untangle all the threads of thoughts and feelings you have.

If your husband isn’t of the type to support that (old fashioned maybe) could you explain it away as counselling for grief of a parent or life coaching for a career or some such?

Please, please do this for yourself. Good luck!

Despite having not seen posts like yours on here, OP, you have probably seen in the endless SAHM/WOHM debates that some working mothers feel strongly about being a role model, even if they bring a financial gain of 0 to the family. I think that's what your DD is now seeing, having left home and perhaps met other women of our generation however poorly paid and admires something in them.

But she's seeing one facet of your life and marriage and it is in fact multifaceted and your DD cannot and should not see all of that. In your very stereotyped set up your have raised a questioner of stereotypes. I am sure that you have invested something invaluable in your DC and in your community. Do not let DD put you down any more than we are cheering for you to not let DH put you down.

Life is not perfect even when it looks as though it might be. As a disabled doctor I make in a month what you spend on a coat but I have friends who seem to have lives as immaculate as yours and I know they are not. Do you have friends in different circumstances, different ages/income/working/childless etc? Is there someone who you could talk to who isn't a gossip? I think you need to process this a bit - a life coach may be better. You have 20 working years left - time for a whole new life - if that's what you want.

Why do people think that working outside the home for no profit (once the costs of working have been accounted for) is a good role model? It’s an appalling role model! Work should pay.

Yes he sounds controlling but you also sound like that suited you and you've went along with it as you like being looked after, having everything paid for you; you're very image conscious and so is he by the sounds of it, tbh, sounds like you are bragging a bit to me, not really sure what you are asking, you've lived this life for over 20 years, do you still not know what kind of person you are married to?

Personally I wouldn't like it, I don't like the connotation of being owned by anyone; I'd want to do my own thing as soon as I could. Sounds very much like as long as you go along with his ideas, all is great but what if one day you disagree.

This sounds like my idea of hell and I’d worry about what would happen if I ever got seriously ill. But if you’re genuinely happy OP, then that’s all that matters.

Work which is not paid can include valuable voluntary work.

I think vanity makes an excellent point - presumably your DC have been well looked after and got where they are now because of the day to day care you put into their upbringing. Your DH can be the high-flying business person and have a family because you run domestic matters, which is more than just looking pretty. Running a household and bringing up children has enabled your DH to forge a career.
That is how ‘traditional’ set ups work - one partner does the home stuff, the other goes out to work - but BOTH need to be recognised as valuable contributions.

I do get the impression you (and he?) see it as his money, whereas it is your marital assets, he could not have had the family life he had enjoyed and been supportive of his DC without you bringing up DC and running the house.

So there is not really a question about whether finances should be transparent, they should be, they are half yours.

Hi Katara Jean, thanks for all your posts I am going to have a word with DH about finances. As you say there has been a part of me that as seen our finances as separate (as he does) - obviously he doesn't touch the money I earn in the library or if I sell clothes, toys or bits and bobs from the house on E Bay etc. I have worked hard bringing up the children and running the house and DH appreciates that -none of us have wanted for anything but maybe it is time I knew a bit more about the finances and to be fair took more interest which I have done so far.

I don’t know if anyone saw the bit in the Daily Mail yesterday – the women trapped in poverty by their super rich husbands but my life is a bit like that only my DH is not super rich and I am not trapped in poverty so not as bad as the men in the piece but he does give me a weekly allowance and watches every penny. I’ve not spoke to DH yet about the finances but it is the reason I first posted on MN - the problem is I blow hot and cold on it.

He sounds slightly controlling, but not the point of it being abusive or mean.

And on the subject of allowances, an allowance is necessary where you have separate accounts and one partner earns considerably less than the other. The forum seems to be supportive on the idea of separate accounts.

Sounds like you would benefit from a proper job/career. It would give you a sense of worth and financial independence. Your life sounds very comfortable and you sound happy.
I know someone like you. Since her children have left home, she has completed a Masters and she is nearly at the end of a PHD. She is enormously proud of herself. her children and her husband are proud too. Even if she never works, she has proved to herself how capable she is and she feels good about achieving something on her own (although her husband has funded it all).
You might want to consider studying as an alternative to a job. Something that just belongs to you.

Sounds like you’re another piece in HIS life. A valued and trusted piece, but in his life. You’re in the ‘DH show’ and you must play your part. It’s a great part, but you don’t write the lines, so now and again it’s frustrating. No one likes to be constantly told what to do, even if what they are being told is fairly reasonable and nice enough. It’s the lack of feeling as if you have feee will. He’s the Director.

OP it sounds like you have perhaps lost yourself a bit. Maybe talking this through with him and identifying something that YOU would like to do FOR YOU and no one else would be a good place to start? try and find "yourself" again?