Spouses of teachers: how do you find it?

[Siestapesta]

I am an ex teacher myself so fully understand the strain teachers are under and I am very understanding regarding the time required to mark and plan etc at home.

However, I have a newborn and a toddler at home and my DH is consumed in work,it is all he talks about and he comes home mentally drained every day. He looks exhausted to the point that I worry about his sleep more than mine! I am doing all get ups etc during the night as he needs all the energy he can get for work.

Also, during term time he's unable to engage with family life always seeming like he has more important things on his mind,he doesn't listen, always pre-occupied. Come the school holidays, he's a different man.

What are your experiences of having a spouse who is a teacher? How easily do they switch off in the evenings?

Why don't teachers put their money where there mouth is and use their degrees to go into other professions is surely the obvious counter argument to that.

I spent three years trying to find an opening in another career. Ended up on £8.50 an hour with no prospect of qualifying.

The lawyers and doctors get paid a shitload more.

which was the point I was making

shalom but this thread is about teachers so.......

Anyway that aside, my DH traces adults in the day and evening classes also. He's shattered a lot of the time and always has mountains of work. But he loves the job and it's lovely to see how passionate he is about what he does. He's busy but satisfied.

Yes. Teaching with no support is awful.

I’ve told ds I will support him in any career apart from teaching.

In the main, it’s a terrible job with too much stress and not enough money.

Shalomjackie I would hedge my bets and guess that your corporate lawyer husband is paid a fair bit more than the average teaching salary?
Which makes the longer working hours a sweeter pill to swallow.

@VSwin
I help him mark sometimes

A colleague of mine once got their spouse to help mark - just where it was straightforward right/wrong answers with an answer key obviously - but when SLT found out they were given a warning. Apparently it was against the rules. Just a heads up - if he hadn't mentioned it in passing nobody would have known anyway.

I quit teaching after 10 years last Xmas. The relief was amazing. My life is my own again and I find myself getting a little bored at weekends with nothing to do. Lol. My poor DH never saw me off my laptop.
I've had a nice boring ten months doing admin and I start another new job in a couple of weeks doing police despatch as I need the contact with more people in public service, rather than a private company, which is why I loved teaching so much in the first place.
I was in FE, rather than schools but it really changed for the worse over those ten years. Too much bureaucracy, verification and moderation and not enough just teaching IYSWIM. And also, in FE you don't get the holidays; just 28 days to be taken in holiday time.

I don't think for one second that anyone on this thread was saying that there aren't other stressful professions. Of course there are, but the OP was talking about being married to a teacher, not a neurosurgeon or a detective.

Just because there are other people with other stressful jobs, it doesn't diminish what teachers are doing just because they're on less money. If there weren't any teachers, there wouldn't be any corporate lawyers. So for the fact that they work so much for so little, they should be commended and not looked down upon. It's a career you need to be passionate about, it's not all about the money.

But being passionate about your career does not have to mean working all hours all the time.

My teacher husband gets paid more than me, gets more holiday than me and also does 50/50 childcare during term time. It's about balance and often down to personality as well.

I have found that those that stay in teaching do it because they love it. I love teaching. I love the interaction with young children, to show them things that they have never thought of and helping them on their path.

That is very different from all the admin that we also have to do. I had 12 classes that I had to mark every fortnight according to the school marking policy. (Spelling and grammar. 3 points- Good points and points they have to work on and then a comment or question to stretch them- which they are expected to comment on and we are expected to check that they have). Every class had between 25-30 students. Each has to be individually marked. It would take about an hour- an hour and a half to mark a set. I had 10 hours a fortnight non contact.

Now add on once a fortnight homework (written and marked) end of term assessments (written and marked) reports to parents. GCSE students who are writing as many practise questions as you can get them to do. (Written and marked) lessons to plan for years 7-11, ensuring you make different resources for those who need it (either easier or more challenging) schemes of work you need to hand in. Assemblies, phone calls home, after school and holiday revision sessions.

Every term our books are taken and assessed. How was our marking? Up to scratch? We are then told how well we are marking. What’s is are homework like? Is it challenging enough?

Want a pay rise? Well, how well have you been marking over the last year? Bit behind? Oh well, maybe next year. Homework? Marking good but your grades are low? Oh well maybe the kids will do better next year then you can get a pay rise.

I love teaching, but a lot of the hoops we have to jump are demoralising. Basically, unless you love the teaching bit, most people are gone after 5 years.

Saying that, I made a real effort to get home at a reasonable time to spend time with my Dc. But there is a knock on effect for that professionally. But i am ok with that. I won’t get a payrise, there will be awkward meetings where my books will be looked at and my marking assessed. But I know I have worked as hard and as much as I can without having my dc in daycare for 11 hours a day. I refuse to do that.

For those that want to get up there into leadership, they aren’t able to do that. They have to be on point in everything to get a head and earn more money. And they do. One of my bosses would be sending email at 5:30 am to 7:30 pm before going home.

But that is a choice that each individual has to make for themselves.

Ì am in the exact same situation. My DH has to be so wrapped up in work. He stays up until 11pm every night planning, marking and doing data and is constantly getting messages on slack adding more to his to do by tomorrow list.

We met when we were 19 both doing a degree in teaching but after 2 years of teaching I decided it wasn't for me and went back to do a masters in child paychology. He often says that if we didn't meet before he started this job then he would be alone forever. All but one of the teachers in his school are single because they are just married to the job.

Its not the worst profession for sure but it is a hard and demanding one

My DH doesn't work that hard compared to some... not in terms of paperwork anyway as he has a really good system for that. He is just "bogged down" I would say. Mentally drained and unable to engage with anything else whatsoever during term time. For example, he comes home ranting about unreasonable parents, gossiping about other colleagues, talking about new systems, telling me about childrens behaviour. Its like its all consuming for him. I'm very thankful that hes isn't working until midnight every night like I know some do, but it's like he's trapped inside a teaching bubble.
I remember at the secondary school I used to teach in, the staff would even spend their weekends with each other socialising together. Its a big lifestyle as opposed to a job and it really takes its toll on families from what I see and experience.

I think it depends on subject and personality, as well as the school. English for example is a very demanding subject to teach and mark, whereas perhaps a Science subject less so. It is an incredibly demanding job if you do it properly - it eats up your life and burns you out. It makes me so angry when people assume teachers have an easy life. It is a very high pressure, high stress job which demands ridiculously long hours - marking, preparation, all the paperwork that the Govt now insists on.
I am married to a teacher just retired. It wrecked his health and consumed his life. I found it very difficult to live with as it took all his energy and in the holidays he invariably fell ill as he was so run down.

I left secondary teaching for a bit but I'm back now on 0.4 with a shit load of examining on top (almost the same annual income) so financially I am on a mid-20k income. I was too lazy/preoccupied to go through threshold so I am underpaid. However, I am so lucky in that I do a slightly different role now, which means I have no parents' eves, no form group, little admin. My students are very weak so marking is a doddle. At my boys' primary school, an experience teacher adopted a similar role (which I guess is kind of like intervention) so maybe this is something your partner could look for OP.

A few points if I may wade in:
If teachers didn't have the school holidays, they would be dead.

It's not like they can get time off to watch their own children's sports days/Christmas plays. In most other jobs you can get the odd afternoon off.

The emotional ties to the job are huge - yesterday I had to deal with a boy that had only had 3 hours' sleep as he's been up all night playing Fortnite, a girl weeping to me, a fight in the corridor and a child protection issue. It's consuming for many hours afterwards. Also, sad as it is, many children use the school as their sanctuary to escape home. This is also emotionally draining.

I know LOADS of teachers that work 0.8 just to have the day off to mark. This is not acceptable.

Teaching is like acting. You are pretending to be someone else for 5 teaching hours a day - that is so tiring and you begin to lose all sense of yourself. It's fun, but exhausting.

Everyone hates you. For some, it's not a problem. But it can really damage your self esteem. I used to work in a very affluent area and it was the hardest job I had, just because the parents made me feel like a thicko piece of shit.

Yes OP it takes over your brain. You've probably forgotten (which is great!) but I bet you couldn't switch off either when you were in the job. Also, conversely, you're probably in a toddler bubble and your OP thinks all you can think about is the kids. I've been there too, and I'd say the toddler bubble is thicker and more heady. Is there anything the two of you have in common besides the job and the kids? Could you take up a hobby together... metal detecting or trainspotting something?!

Such an interesting thread. I have always admired my sister who trained as a Reception teacher and now is a deputy head of a primary school. I have looked on in horror at how much she has to work!

For this reason I think a great many teachers end up marrying teachers! Her husband is a secondary school teacher so they each understand each others (crazy) workload

I would say that 90% of my teacher friends are married to teachers too. Its much easier that way. I can't imagine how people in healthier jobs must view the teaching roles of their spouses. They must find it ridiculous.

I've only been out of the profession for 2 years so can remember the demands well. I still work in education.

But it seems to have worsened even in 2 years.

If DH and I had both remained in the profession post-children I'd have probably been sectioned by now.

I'm so glad to find this thread. At the weekend my husband who is a science teacher left us. It came after yet another argument about him working on Sunday. On Saturday I took our 2 children out for 12 hours so he could work. Then on Sunday he left me to it, again. This has been our life for the last 6 years. I feel like a solo parent. It's now come to breaking point and we are planning to separate. I'm 7 weeks pregnant with a 6 year old and 2 year old. I have no idea when he will make time to see the kids. He's staying in a hotel and looks like he is about to have a heart attack.

I'm seriously considering emailing his head of department to tell her what is happening. I don't know what else to do except to lose my husband and my kids lose their dad. To this job. Is that an absolutely terrible idea. I'm absolutely desperate. My life is falling apart

This is so sad to read. Is there any way that your husband could take time out due to stress, spend some time with you at home to talk things through and then discuss a way forward with work in terms of managing the workload or reducing responsibilities? I work as a teacher (part time). I think sometimes taking a step back and going to the doctor for stress/depression leave is the only way to get the school and teacher to see that it has all got too much and things have to change. The job should not be destroying your family like this, I can see how it can happen but he needs to address the issue and seek support.

@thesocial

www.educationsupportpartnership.org.uk/helping-you

I can’t guarantee this organisation as I haven’t had to use them. But they came to our school. It might be an organisation that could help here.

My husband also did what you did in order for me to catch up. I realised though that it would never be enough so I settled for enough to get by without taking me from my family.

Hope he sees the light.

It sounds like a tough time for both of you. A new born and toddler must be exhausting, especially if you don't have much support. I expect your husband also feels under a lot of pressure, both as a result of the demands of the job and also being the sole bread winner for the family.

I don't really have any advice except to say it will get better, just keep on going and try not to lose touch with each other. In a few years it will probably all look very different.

I do think teaching is a horrific workload - in some schools. I've found one where the bureacracy is small and so the workload is high but not dreadful - leaving at 5/6 each day with no work to do at hone or weekends. Juat a small post to say some schools have cracked the workload drain. :) there's hope!

That's really positive loverly! Let's hope it catches.

Just like to add my two pence. I have been teaching for 20 years and unfortunately it doesn't get better with work life balance stability and stress. Partner finds it hard at times, but the stress is unbelievable and pay is poor. Schools don't want to spend the money, so you have to go in at a lower rate. Not respected anymore I'm afraid. Want younger teachers who will do the ridiculous hours. Not many teachers at my school at my age (Past 40) Worried as by 50 most teachers find it so difficult to find work. This can all have a toll on family life. My advice, don't start teaching if you have a young or new family.

Am a teacher and single mum of 2 children. I work the crazy hours and do all the home stuff too with no financial or practical support. I love my job, but as much as possible my children come first. There are ways of making it work and I definitely agree with pp who said a lot depends on personality.